Dear Talen Lee,
Hi.
I hope things are going well.
I know last week you took a tight match with Goodman, but this edition is going to be awful for you. I’m going to beat up on you like so many a fattie before me has beaten up on an all-you-can-eat buffet.
It’s going to be embarrassing for you sir, and I completely understand if you feel the need to concede after you read this letter.
I would too, if I had to face this monster of a deck. You clearly have no chance when we meet up on Magic the Gathering Online this Saturday in the Anything Goes room at 7pm. I’m going to be nice to you, and at least give you a chance to save some face, and leave this matchup with just a little bit of your dignity intact. You’re not going to be victorious here.
I’ll even give you a look at the deck now, Talen. When you see it, I’m sure you’ll have second thoughts and run away like a scalded dog. This deck hits hard, and did not really break my wallet at all.
Can you imagine the looks on all your virtual fans’ faces when I tap four mana and come screaming out with a Giant Solifuge? How about when I come if for a seemingly small amount of damage and hit you upside the face with a Might of Oaks.
Talen, you do not want any of this, just stay off the computer… or if you have to fire up the old MTGO, register for a draft instead. You’ll have a better chance in the 4-3-2-2 queues than you will of beating me. Maybe you will even crack open a shock land. That would make for a better day than the savage beatdown you will be taking over the interface.
Here is my deck. Just look at it. How can you possibly come up with something better than this? How are you going to answer any of my men with Warhammer or Cloak? I hope you’re playing some mass removal, and targeted removal, because without these you have no chance.
I’m tired of running my mouth off now. I’m just going to show you my beautiful creation…. I hope you can handle it.
Creatures (22)
Spells (38)
Sideboard
22 Forest
Yeah, I’m running a mono-colored deck. There’s no way am I going to lose because I couldn’t draw one of the other colored sources I need for my spells. I’m not going to give away games here.
I wanted a way to accelerate into my bigger threats.
A quick bloodthirst guy that also has a unique form of evasion. You cannot block this guy when he’s wearing a Cloak, Talen. Just so you know. He is much too big for you to handle. (Yeah, I know… I just said that about a 1/1.)
This guy has evasion too. I’m sure you’ll be greedy and try to play with some sort of Karoo land, or maybe a cool mill land. That bit of greediness will come back to haunt you.
Yeah, this guy has evasion too, I’m sure you’re not going to be playing with any kind of flyers in your deck.
This guy makes combat hard on you, Talen. You have to block this guy with all your men. I might have a combat trick to make a favorable trade. I might have a trick to keep this guy and shatter your entire team. I might have something in play that is killing you anyway.
What is the worst guy you can drop here? It’s not like you’ll play with Meloku… that’s too much of a cutthroat tournament caliber card for you. It’s okay, I’ll figure you’ll drop something like a Guildmage. I’m not worried.
A reusable pump spell that turns all my tiny men into monsters. You deal with it once, and I’ll just get it back. How can you possibly beat that kind of card economy? I basically get to cheat and get it whenever I need it.
This spell will take a meaty chunk of your life total when it’s resolved. You may think you are safe at your eight life, but remember this, it hurts when it hits you. Also, it’s Might of Oaks! OMG!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!ELEVENTYONE!1 I for one get very excited when this spell is in my deck.
I make my guys trample over your pathetic blockers. I gain life when I deal damage. Talen. do you see how bad this is looking for you?
The original, the classic, the card that will save my guys in combat, or just finish you off.
Do I need to go any further? You want to toss up the white flag of surrender? There is no shame in conceding, you know. It’s okay, no one will blame you.
I guess you’re still reading this… onto the sideboard!
4 Naturalize.
These are in case you are playing stuff like Glare, or some other wonderful enchantment or artifact that may hurt me. It’s not like you’ll have Jitte or anything.
In case you’re playing some kind of control, it’s just another ridiculous beater that I am sure you cannot deal with.
To be honest, I cannot afford any Solifuges. I have no job (you may beat me at the game of life, Talen Lee… but I’ll win this small victory.)
I wanted a blocker that could put another card in my hand. This guy also kills men.
I wanted another spell just in case you were playing with something dirty like Pyroclasm
…
I bet you want to see how much this deck cost. I’ll show you ,that too… there is no way I spent more than twenty-five tickets, and I bet you will at least be impressed with my penny pinching (remember, I am poor.)
- Loxodon Warhammers are going for one ticket, so that is four tickets
- Might of Oaks, also goes for one ticket, so I add another four tickets to my total.
- Dryad Sophisticate, Genju of the Cedars and Blanchwood Armor I all got at a two-for-one bot. That adds another five tickets to my already low total.
- Carven Caryatid, Moldervine Cloak, and Hunted Wumpus were all cards I picked up at a four-for-one bot. This adds three more to my total.
Let’s go ahead and add this up okay?
4 + 4 + 5 + 3 = Infinite pain for Talen Lee.
No, I did my math wrong on this one. I’m going to try it again.
4 + 4 + 5 + 3 = 16
I managed to build a deck that will beat Talen Lee for less then twenty tickets. I’m clocking in at a much lower number then the twenty-five ticket limit that Craig gave us when we started this series.
Talen, I hate to say it… you may have all the fans and well-wishers in the world, but I’m going to win.
I’m sorry to disappoint you.
I’ve tested this deck a lot on MTGO and I’m impressed with the results. I’m ripping apart the casual room, and I have no idea — honestly – how you are going to win.
Good Luck, Talen. I sincerely hope you do not take the thrashing personally. I think you’re a great writer, and I enjoy your articles. I enjoyed your articles on the last round of the Battle Royale immensely, and I’m looking forward to your article today.
You know what else I’m looking forward to?
Your follow-up article, when you have to write about the beating you were forced to take from me and my Green monsters.
Good luck again… you’ll need every ounce you can muster. *
Yours in battle,
JXC
* I hope people do not think I am actually serious in this letter. Just think of it like a wrestling promo. Thanks for reading, and I hope you can check us out on Friday in the Casual Room.