I woke up to a 2am siren from a fire truck. My arm hurt, and it was cold. Dizzy and confused, I
stood up as the bright lights from the street lights blinded me. What had just happened? Where am I?
All these questions flashed through my mind, and just as soon as I had arisen I fell to the hard
concrete and went to sleep. I hadn’t noticed my friends 2005 Mustang, totaled, in the background.
There was an enormous amount of light. Even with my eyes closed I could see the red of my blood
coursing through my eyelids. My arm still hurt pretty bad, and my head was throbbing. I still had no
idea what was going on, but every time I opened my eyes it felt like someone was hitting me over the
head with a Bonesplitter. It was just then when I noticed someone fiddling with my arm. I asked
“whats going on?” and she replied with, “Sir, you’ve just been in a car accident.
Your arm is cut and you have a concussion, but you’re in no danger. Your injuries are
mild.”
Her voice was soft and smooth; reminded me of my days in the womb when Mother would sing to me.
Not really, but I’m feeling poetic.
Honestly, the only thing on my mind was how attractive this girl was. I mean, if she’s hot
this could be my in. If not, it’s no sweat of my back. It was just really frustrating not
being able to see her. She could tell I was trying to open my eyes, and she told me to rest them,
and that everything was going to be okay. She also said that my friend that was driving is fine,
being treated in the other ambulance.
Then we started moving. I asked the stupid question of where we were going and got the obvious
answer. The hospital.
I think that subconsciously I was just trying to make conversation. She had a really sweet
voice, kind of like this hot teacher I had in seventh grade. Ms. Geison. Apparently a friend of mine
saw her in a “naughty” video, which made her class the best part of middle school. She
also never wore a bra, read the entire book The Giver aloud in class, and enjoyed making
paper origami.
The entire ride to the hospital was one giant awkward silence. I felt like I was at the movies
with a girl and was too scared to make a move. She had her hand on my chest the entire time, and my
heart was beating rapidly the entire time. If my rapid heartbeat wasn’t a dead giveaway then the
obvious bulge in my pants sure did the trick. I honestly don’t remember it very well. It only
happened yesterday, but there is still a lot of gray area. Thanks to the concussion I’m not sure if
the girl was even treating my arm. I would like to think that she was, but one can’t be sure..
Long story short. I was in an accident on Christmas Eve. Some butt-head ran a red light and hit
my friend’s car while coming back from a poker game (a poker game on Christmas Eve? What was I
thinking!). Worst part is that the butt-head wasn’t there when the cops got there. Good thing I
didn’t lose a leg or die.
For reference, here are our decklists:
Spells (33)
- 4 Sleight of Hand
- 4 Early Harvest
- 4 Compulsive Research
- 3 Eye of the Storm
- 4 Remand
- 3 Gigadrowse
- 1 Stitch in Time
- 4 Into the North
- 4 Careful Consideration
- 2 Walk the Aeons
Sideboard
Creatures (4)
Lands (23)
Spells (33)
- 4 Pyroclasm
- 3 Icy Manipulator
- 3 Sleight of Hand
- 3 Wildfire
- 4 Annex
- 4 Compulsive Research
- 2 Dimir Signet
- 3 Dream Leash
- 4 Remand
- 3 Izzet Signet
Sideboard
Oh yah, here are the highlights.
Game 1
I mulliganed to 3.
Game 2
Turn 10: SAHNchez.
SAHNchez plays Island
SAHNchez plays Early Harvest: targeting SAHNchez.
SAHNchez plays Eye of the Storm
SAHNchez plays Early Harvest: targeting SAHNchez.
SAHNchez plays triggered ability from Eye of the Storm.
SAHNchez’s Early Harvest: is removed from the game by triggered ability from Eye of the Storm:
SAHNchez plays Early Harvest: targeting SAHNchez.
SAHNchez plays Walk the Aeons: targeting SAHNchez.
SAHNchez plays triggered ability from Eye of the Storm:.
SAHNchez’s Walk the Aeons: is removed from the game by triggered ability from Eye of the Storm:
SAHNchez plays Early Harvest: targeting SAHNchez.
SAHNchez plays Walk the Aeons: targeting SAHNchez.
Sti plays Remand: targeting Walk the Aeons:.
SAHNchez plays triggered ability from Eye of the Storm:.
Sti’s Remand: is removed from the game by triggered ability from Eye of the Storm:
Sti plays Walk the Aeons: targeting Sti.
Sti plays Remand: targeting Walk the Aeons.
Sti plays Early Harvest: targeting Sti.
SAHNchez plays Exhaustion: targeting Sti.
SAHNchez plays triggered ability from Eye of the Storm:.
SAHNchez’s Exhaustion: is removed from the game by triggered ability from Eye of the Storm:
SAHNchez plays Exhaustion: targeting Sti.
SAHNchez plays Early Harvest: targeting SAHNchez.
SAHNchez plays Walk the Aeons: targeting SAHNchez.
SAHNchez plays Remand: targeting Exhaustion:.
Sti plays Mana Leak: targeting Remand:
SAHNchez plays triggered ability from Eye of the Storm
Sti’s Mana Leak: is removed from the game by triggered ability from Eye of the Storm:
SAHNchez: my heads about to explod
Sti plays Walk the Aeons: targeting Sti.
Sti plays Exhaustion: targeting SAHNchez.
Sti: this is fun
SAHNchez: lol
Sti plays Early Harvest: targeting Sti.
Sti plays Remand: targeting Exhaustion:.
SAHNchez’s Remand: is countered because of no legal targets.
SAHNchez plays Eye of the Storm:
Sti: lol
Sti plays Mana Leak: targeting Eye of the Storm:.
SAHNchez plays triggered ability from Eye of the Storm:.
Sti’s Mana Leak: is removed from the game by triggered ability from Eye of the Storm:
Sti plays Walk the Aeons: targeting Sti.
Sti plays Early Harvest: targeting Sti.
Sti plays Mana Leak: targeting Eye of the Storm:.
Sti plays Mana Leak: targeting Eye of the Storm:.
Sti plays Remand: targeting Early Harvest.
Sti’s Mana Leak: is countered because of no legal targets.
Turn 10: Sti.
SAHNchez: lol
SAHNchez: im so screwed
He Wildfired on the previous turn, which I Remanded, leaving him with four mana up. I really had
no choice but to hope he didn’t have two disruption spells. He did, and I got stack-jacked.
Game 3
Annex and Icy did a number on me until he Wildfired all my permanents away, and continued to
Annex and Icy me until big daddy Sol’kanar showed up.
The games were pathetic, and I feel like ending this article now since I have nothing left to
say.
Battle Royale was fun, blah blah blah, I feel good losing to Stu, blah blah blah. Everyone
always seems to write this when they lose. Losing sucks a bunch. Even if it is a exhibition match
for fun.
Honestly I’m on a huge losing streak in Magic currently. In the past four tournaments I’ve
played in I’ve started X-0 to the point where I need one win out of the next two or three rounds to
secure a spot in Top 8. I’ve lost out each time.
I’ve also lost my past thirteen Magic Online matches in the first round. This includes three
Sealed decks that were way above average. My decks have been really good, I’ve just been in the
hands of the shuffler* each time and failed to follow through. Its for these reasons that I really
want to take a break from Magic, but I have no other outlet. So I’m stuck in the hole of depression,
and my emotional tendencies come rushing back.
Sigh.
I could talk about how I only got a $10 Taco Cabana Gift card and the ugliest Suede T-shirt ever
made from my Dad’s side of the family, but instead, I’m going to talk about a little conspiracy
theory on my mind.
How Izzet that the one week I choose a mana intensive combo deck I get paired up against an
English fellow who just so happened to have a deck that completely demolishes me?
Annex!
Icy!
Wildfire!
Remand!
Mana Leak!
All the cards a combo deck doesn’t want to be paired against! Now I’ve never been one
to point fingers but the fact that he is English just sorta clicked in my head. I know, I
know, your saying “Hes English**… so what?”
I dare you to ask yourself who else is English?
Sam Gomersall is English. He has no relevance at all to the Battle Royale, so hes safe.
Craig Jones is English. Again, has nothing to do with Battle Royale, at least for this
match.
Theres another Craig on the short English checklist by the name of Craig Stevenson.
Craig and Stuart happen to be good buddies. Craig and Stu test together, drink together, and even
shared a room in Kobe together.
Craig is also the person I submitted my article to…
Stu also had a deck that looked to be designed to beat my deck.
Craig is also an English enthusiast and would love to see the English become the superior Magic
wielding country in the World.
Coincidence? I’ll let you decide for yourself.
[In case anyone is wondering, I assure you that nothing untoward went on. — Craig.]
…
Okay, I was going to end it there in dramatic fashion with the huge blockbuster question. I just
really wanna talk about how miserable Christmas can be.
– $10 Gift card to Taco Cabana, from my Brother in-law.
– Ugliest suede T-shirt ever made, from my sister.
That’s it. I think the part I’m really upset about is that both of them make an insane
amount of money. Take my brother in-law. He is a Jazz DJ for a popular radio station in the area. He
makes $120 per hour. Do I need to say more? He basically spent five minutes on me.
My sister has no fashion sense whatsoever. So why does she think she can buy me this
monstrosity? Suede is nice and soft, but the color resembles yellow vomit.
Thankfully I’m having another Christmas tomorrow with my Mom’s side of the family, so it can’t
get any worse***.
<3 Kyle
Top 5 Picks
1) “Plays Pretty for Baby” by Anthony Green
2) “Selective” by The Starting Line
3) “We Were Walking Downtown” by Copeland
4) “Closing Down The Patterns” by Daphne Loves Derby
5) “I Saw It On Your Keyboard” by Hellogoodbye
* Man. I hate it when people talk about the random factor in Magic as the Shuffler’s fault.
Really grinds my gears.
** PS: I LOOOVE English people. Clive Owen, Sean Connery, and Anthony Hopkins are some of my
favorite actors. Don’t care much for Jude Law though, seems like he tries too hard. [Well, Sean
Connery is Scottish, and Anthony Hopkins is an American citizen that used to be a Welshman… but
thanks! — Craig, English.]
*** Every time someone says “It can’t get any worse,” it always seems to get
worse…