A Tournament Report I Wrote

Event 1: Rizzo leaves CMU.
Event 2: Turian wins GP: Montreal.
Event 3: Eubroken wins GP: Atlanta.

Event 1: Rizzo leaves CMU.

Event 2: Turian wins GP: Montreal.

Event 3: Eubroken wins GP: Atlanta.

Coincidence or no? Apparently, I sucked all the skillz out of my boyz. Sorry ’bout that – but rest assured, Maine Magic is oh so much suckier now that I’m up in here.

If those darned pop-up windows would open up a little faster, then maybe someone would actually get to see what the hell someone’s trying to sell. As it is, I long for the day that a pop-up can beat me scrolling to the”x” and closing it – never to know the goodies that lie behind the whiteness.

Richard Lynch has won 55 Constructed matches in a row.

Richard Lynch has won 41 Limited matches in a row.

Dude, stop that.

Since this is a Limited tourney, there won’t be ten pages of blah and whatnot to waddle through. Unless I think of stuff to write just to fill up space or to try to be funny. Lemme sleep on it.

Nah, everyone just wants the report. Oh no they don’t, Boy-o, but it’s great therapy for me. Thanks for reading while I delve into my secret past and unlock many skeletons and then try to find a way to blame my parents. Isn’t that what therapists do, anyway?

Oh yeah; on Thursday, in preparation for the Saturday tourney, I played in a little Sealed tourney at Crossroads Games. Since only four guys showed up, we went for the round-robin type deal. Oh, and it was Invasion/Planeshift/Apocalypse. Was it really that long ago that we were cracking those bad boys?

‘Twas cool indeed when none of the other three guys knew who I was, aside from being”that random guy that wants to play Sealed.” Perhaps they figured I was just a scrub, which of course I am, with very little Limited Skillz, which of course is also true.

So much for last-minute practicing for Saturday. And since no one knew me (or how awful I am at Magic), I just went 2-1 and ended up in a three-way tie for first. Heh. A three-way tie with four players. And, just in case you forgot, Plague Spores is a hella beating. Sometimes.

See, peeps, when no one knows that you suck, you are free to, well, not suck.

Back to reality.

I just wanna have Finkelmage, Upheaval/Infestation, Kamahl and green fatties, tons of removal, and a bunch of card drawing and even more removal in my deck. Is that too much to ask? If so, I’ll settle for U/G/splash of red or black. Anything but 0/4 walls that make for forty-five minutes and the extra turns matches.

I said”back to reality,” dammit. And Andover, where I’m sure someone will know that I suck. But as Ving Rhames said in”Pulp Fiction”:”You fight through that shiz.” Well, Ving, I’mma try, yo. And what was up with that band-aid on your dome?

Okay then.

While there still will be no list of people you don’t care about, I did indeed pick up Charlie and Alex at Crossroads Games. So that’s two. There will be more, but not yet. Deal with it. Those guys were two of the four players in the above-mentioned sealed”tournament” at Crossroads. I pounded Alex like a bizitch, but lost to Charlie when I tried to do a cool play. And it really would’ve been cool if it worked. I mean really cool.

Charlie has the Trevor Blackwell goatee without the moustache, and ordinarily that would give me pause, but he sports said chinny hair in a responsible manner. He also played R/B at States, finished 5-2, and makes just as much love to Crypt Angel as I do. But I’m better with the foreplay.

Alex is like fifteen or something, but he knows what the word”epiphany” means. What fifteen-year old ever heard that word and can not only use it in a sentence, but can drop it out of nowhere? And he’s a friggin’ rules guru for real, which ordinarily would give me pause, but he sports said guru robe responsibly. He doesn’t love Crypt Angel, which is probably wise, since he’s like, not legal and whatnot.

Upon entering the venue, I spy many peeps that needed to be spied.

Observing AndyStok in his natural environment:

Let me just way that when you are 6′ 5″, 235 or so, the result is that you are more likely to run a site like TeamAcademy.com than if you were, well, a little smaller. But I could still kick his ass, if I wasn’t an, um,”pacifist.” Yeah, that’s a good word for”someone who would run away screaming like a little bitch” from that behemoth linebacker-looking sumbitch. But I would still braid his hair and listen to the new N’Sync CD during sleepover night while crank calling all the cute boys from our Science class.

Observing a Jill Costigan, a former Babe of the Month, in her natural environment:

Okay, she’s kinda cute – if you go for that”cute chyk” look, that is – but she put Thought Devourer in her sideboard. However, she did have the foresight to maindeck her Finkelmage. While not the linebacker type, she could probably be a pretty good placekicker, just like Kathy Ireland was in that flick with Sinbad.

Wow, people actually pay Sinbad to be in movies and on TV. Seriously – they pay him in money.

Observing Matty Evans in his natural environment:

Y’all might know Matty from TeamAcademy, but he’s a teddy bear. In this case,”teddy bear” means”A guy who you probably wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley unless you had a flashlight.” Matty might not be the psycho linebacker that AndyStok is, but he’d still help to stuff the run and make Kordell beat you. But, like many online tough guys (your humble narrator included), when it gets down to the get down, we ordinarily discuss at length just how dreamy Justin Timberlake really is.

I don’t think that Mouth needs an introduction, especially since he is not, nor likely ever will be, a linebacker.

Observing Becky in any environment (which is technically”stalking,” but we all have our little quirks, right?):

I also doubt that Becky needs an introduction. Even though she was looking cute as a button, she went 0-2 drop and then left. That is unfair, and – if I do say so myself – very un-button-like. Her and Jill were playing a”Who is cuter death match” for a while, but the match ended in a draw. I’m so torn. But if her and Jill were to hold a pajama party pillow fight to the death, I think I’d snatch up a couple tickets, but only because someone would have to write the tourney report.

My motives are purely professional and in the interest of journalism.

I also doubt that Michael Clauss needs an introduction, since he’s likely that guy that takes me to task the most on each and every issue I’ve ever dared to bring up. After all, he was probably the most influential of the group of guys that finally convinced me to play at Net Deck at a sanctioned tourney. However, I always win every argument with him, since I’m older and have an additional child. And that’s how all arguments should be solved: Whomever is older and has more children wins. Or, more accurately, whomever has a column on Star City wins. The threat of blackmail is tech.

The deck:

Mad Dog

Flame Burst

Barbarian Lunatic

Ember Beast


Thermal Blast

Savage Firecat

Shower of Coals

Diligent Farmhand

Wild Mongrel

Sylvan Might

Nantuko Mentor

Leaf Dancer

Seton’s Desire



Aether Burst

Cephalid Looter

Treetop Sentinel


Aven Fisher

Chamber of Manipulation


Mossfire Valley

Seafloor Debris

Timberland Ruins

5x Mountain

5x Forest

5x Island

I got the Showers – now where the hell is Millikin? Is it too much to ask to get Millikin? And Johnny Blaze, too?

Well, it is G/U/R, exactly like I wanted, but much suckier than I would have preferred. I was quite unpleased with this deck and it’s lack of, well… Good stuff. Nantuko Mentor and Savage Firecat are residing on my”iffy” list, and Chamber of Manipulation finally proved itself to be not good enough to make the cut. But I already knew that; I just needed to prove it once more. And don’t even get me started on Ember Beast – that dude hangs out looking stupid way too much for my liking. Might as well errata his textbox to include”can’t be the target of spells or abilities,” since he couldn’t draw removal if he was a friggin’ Flagbearer.

I am in love with eighteen lands, and am convinced that it’s the way to go. Drawing or playing first, however, is still a little unclear. After two PTQ’s and the Prerelease, I’d lean to the side of caution by drawing first, and most of my opponents that did elect to play changed their tune the next time they had the option. In a nutshell: Draw, and let your opponent keep the Bruce hands.

I’m fairly certain that the deck sucks, but hey, que sera sera and whatnot, and I’m sort of feeling fine and dandy.

80 dudes/7 rounds

Andover, Mass

With a cash bar, lapdances and karaoke

Round 1: Mike Feuell

In game one, Mike answers the”what you gonna do about the turn five Savage Firecat?” question with”I’ll just play lots of dork and race it, forcing you to neuter that bad boy by dropping more dudes.” For a backup plan, he brought a lot of burn along with him. I am beginning to think Firecat is not all that, and he is quite without the proverbial bag of chips.

Game two sees Mike drops turn 5 Mirari, and from there it gets real ugly.”Flame Burst him and him, Engulfing Flames him twice, Muscle Burst my Wild Mongrel twice, and then, for true fun times, Sylvan Might him twice and flash it back.”

What a beating… Although Mike did appear to feel as bad as he should’ve after savagely savaging my person. But he was lying – he was glad that he won!

Awful play of the match: Mike has an early Mongrel with Seton’s Desire, so I drop Treetop Sentinel and feel like Johnny Answer Man. Needless to say, he serves and I quickly throw my Sentinel in his way.

Oh yeah… Mongrel can change colors, too.

0-1 Surprised?

Round 2: Soren Roinick

Soren drops the pre-game tech chatter:”This is my first PTQ.” Has anyone ever beaten a guy who has uttered those words? Ever?

Game one sees me with Shower and Firecat, but stuck on one red. While I’m getting overrun by critters, I drop a Chamber and end up putting off the inevitable. Call of the Herd and Leaf Dancer eventually did me in, although I did get him to sixteen. And I’m very proud of that.

Hi, I’m Soren and I have Shower of Coals. That’s funny. Although, I’m the guy with the mints and I have Shower too. I take out Halberdier, a Call token, and some other dude, but Johnny-first-tourney just makes more dudes like making dudes was going out of style – which for me, it was.

Not as savage of a beating, but a beating nonetheless.

Awful play of the match: I sacced a sac land to get the double red for Firecat, then attacked into a bunch of chumpers that would’ve killed my Cat. After putting damage on the stack, I cast Repel on my Cat. With no second red to cast him again.

0-2 What the hell else is new?

Here I go again: I can’t screw myself down until I’m 0-2? I finally realize that, hey, it’s about time to represent, yo, and walk back in ready to take on the world. With a fairly crappy deck.

Round 3: Chris Whitten

Funny thing: Chris is struggling hard, with no cards in hand and facing a Mongrel, Beast, and Treetop Sentinel, when he peels Cursed Monstrosity. I Sylvan Might it. Okay, that’s not very funny at all. Although I bet Aaron Forsythe is laughing his ass off in his corner-office in Seattle right now.

Dear Aaron,

Pick up yo’ ass and get back to work!


Mark Rosewater, Head Whipcracker In Chizarge

In game two, Chris drops a 1/1 dude and tries to go to town with Kamahl’s Desire and Rites of Initiation, dumping his entire hand in the process. This was an attempt to off my Wild Mongrel, who was about to do some kind of nasty to Chris’s life total, or just to beat me about the person. Either of which is totally mean on Chris’s part. However, Flame Burst says”Sup?” and gets me about a five-for-one. Needless to say, there can really be no recovery from that.

Awful play of the match: None that I can think of, but I’m sure there were a few ’cause I’m full to the gills with badness.

1-2 Dude, we quit reading when you started 0-2, so who cares? We can learn nothing from your report except how to suck!

Oh yeah? Well… Your mom!

Since Ole’ Uncle Clauss’s matches were over quick fast in a hurry as well, we played a little Extended. He was with an experimental Trix deck that pulled out the combo and replaced it with Morphling and more counters and card drawing, and I’m with the latest incarnation of Friggin’ Green.

I wonder about Mike’s deck when I win the first game by playing nothing but 1/1s and doing the necessary twenty. However, I begin to wonder about my own deck when Mike counters or kills everything I play in game two, then slowly bleeds me to death with Morphling. And then does pretty much the same thing in game three.

Man, losing Survival seriously hurts Friggin’ Green. Cursed Scroll and Gaea’s Blessing are not very good replacements for the Survival/Squee/Wildebeest engine – not at all. Perhaps Natural Order isn’t as good as it was last year, especially since everyone and their mother will be playing Trix, which just wins before a fattie will matter, or some kind of Three-Deuce or Junk deck that pack Swords out the yingyang. While a turn three Multani is bad times for Trix, River Boa laughs, laughs, and then laughs even more at Multani.

Yeah, it’s still called”Trix.”

Fire/Ice = The card that broke the back of all green 1/1’s, thus rendering green back into its place: Last place.

Round 4: Michael Clauss

Um, neato.

Game one sees Mike creature screwed, sort of, with me hitting the curve: Mongrel, Beast, Halberdier, Firecat. Eventually, Mike gets out a fattie or two, with Gorilla Titan and Kamahl being the fatties of choice. However, Shower of Coals brings about parity in a very unfair way, which, when you stop and think about it for a second, is not really parity at all.

In the second game, Mike thinks that two Leaf Dancers, along with Kamahl and Gorilla Titan are good times. I vehemently disagree, but he ain’t tryin’ to hear dat. However, I did manage to pull a little Jedi trickery when I was at seven with his Dancers and Kamahl in play. Instead of Forestwalking me and pinging me to death, he played it safe, essentially giving me two extra turns to peel an answer. Great story, I know – but like many great stories, the ending is sad for Johnny.

In the third game, Mike thinks hard about taking a mulligan. I take this opportunity to write the word”Bruce” on the table to further complicate his life. Eventually, he decides that a hand comprised of Diligent Farmhand, the 1/2 Text Man, four red spells and one Forest isn’t so hot.

Next year’s Invitational deck: The Text Men Deck, comprised solely of creatures that have absolutely no ability whatsoever. I was going to do a search for guys like that on Apprentice, but there are like 2,500 creatures and no one would care anyway.

Knight Errant has no abilities. And that should be an ability unto itself.

Knight Errant


Creature – Knight

Text Man (Whenever a creature with abilities blocks or becomes blocked by a creature with Text Man, that creature loses all abilities until end of turn.)


But then he’d have an ability and would no longer just be Johnny Text Man. No wonder Wizards has so much trouble designing cards that aren’t broken!

After the mulligan, Mike got jiggier than anyone has ever gotten jiggy before. It was a bad times, mostly, but again, I was able to stave off death longer than I should’ve with The Ass Chamber and Vulcan Mind Melds and whatnot.

Alas, Yorick, sup?

I’m 1-3? I know my deck sucks, but what the?

Oh, there were many awful plays, but this one takes the cake:

I signed the match slip and got up to take five or six, when I saw Mike mark”drop” next to his name.

Hold up. Wait a minute here, chief. I quietly mention to Mike that you don’t win and then drop. And then I explain it again. And again. And once more with feeling. And once more without feeling. I run the gamut of globally accepted standards: Keep on playing or concede to me, who is going to play until the end. Mike tries for the sympathy vote by mentioning that he wants to go home and hang with the wife and kid, but I feel it my duty to say”sup?” about a million times.

Since Mike rulez, he scoops it up for me, which was very nice of him and the first time I’ve ever been the beneficiary of a concession.

I guess I’ll never get over losing to Ron (a.k.a.”Rating Point Ronnie”) Kotwica in the Invasion Prerelease and then having him drop immediately after. I guess we can give this phenomenon a name: The RPR Gank Move. Now Ron loves his rating points, and they are to be admired since they are in the stratosphere – but even he, King of All Things Ratings-wise, felt a little guilty after I laid the charm school guilt trip up on him. And I pulled out the gamewinner, too: The sad puppy dog face, just like Becky does so well.

Again, Mike rulez. Although, he’s always wrong when he argues with me about Net Decks and whatnot. Having a column on The Net means never having to say”my bad,” although I do once in a while.

Peeps, am I right or wrong on the RPR Gank Move? Is it fine and dandy to win a match and then drop immediately after, or am I just being a wuss per usual?

Mike gets one Johnny Moral Quandary Point.

2-2 with an asterisk ’cause Mike Rulez

Round 5: Geoff Kirsch

In game one, Geoff gets stuck on three lands, while I have Mongrel and Desire by turn three. Sixteen, twelve, eight, four, shuffle ’em up. Mana screw is fun.

In game two, I double mulligan because I’m all about feeling people’s pain, and almost pull it out…Until I make the following awful, I mean really awful, play:

Geoff’s at four, with a Millikin and Call token to my Ember Beast and Cephalid Looter. I have Repel and Chamber in my hand with five mana. How to win: Repel the Call token and serve with Looter and Beast, killing Millikin and leaving him dudeless for next turn, with Chamber in my hand to steal whatever he casts anyway.

What I did (and you won’t even believe this):

I dropped Chamber, discarding Repel to steal Millikin and served with (duh) just the Beast. He informed me that Beast can’t serve by himself and then I was forced to turn Looter sideways. He blocked and killed Looter, while taking three (going to one) and still had Millikin and the Call token when I was done. To my lone Beast.

Wow, am I bad. I mean really bad. No, even worse than that. Seriously. Awful.

Game three was even funnier. I dropped a turn 5 Firecat, which served once for seven and then was dutifully chumped for a couple of turns, taking Geoff to eight in the process… Or so I thought. I finally had to cast Thermal Blast on his freshly-cast 3/3 flier, since I was at seven, and he had Reckless Charge and Firebolt in the yard. So I have a 2/2 Cat – and oh, I Peeked at the end of his turn as well, so now it’s a 1/1 Cat to his Millikin. I can’t hack this, so I drop Dreamwinder and hope. He drops a 1/1 or something equally minor, and I cast Sylvan Might and flash it back. Geoff says”that’s game” and I about hit the floor: I thought he would be at one after my attack, but apparently, he had been at one for about three turns. Seems Johnny Court Recorder forgot to note that Geoff took seven from the Cat way back when.

Geoff gets one Johnny Moral Quandary Point.

Wow, do I suck or what? That was not even a rhetorical question.

3-2 with an asterisk

Round 6: Mouth, Feature Match

Who gets a feature match at 3-2? I guess two guys who have, well, big mouths. Apparently, though, Mouth dropped and the dude he lost to marked the drop in the wrong space. After about fifteen minutes of trying to find Mouth and figure this stuff out, I was paired up against a 4-1 guy. Heh; that seems fair. In reality, I’m 2-3 and playing awfully and pitted against a good player, with a good deck, who is shooting for Top Eight. Yeah, good deal.

Round 6: Derek Bruneau

Derek kindly thanks me for sending him a bunch of stuff as the result of him figuring out what the theme of my T&A Invitational deck was. Heh, I say, about eighty guys won that, and did I send you anything good or just a bunch of crap? Turns out that Phyrexian Plaguelord and a bunch of other nominal cards were indeed enough to make a brother happy and whatnot.

Hey, maybe I can pull the old”sup, yo, can a brother get a concession?” plea. I’m always working the old”you owe me one, you bastard” pony.

In game one, D and I are discussing weather it’s better to draw or play first, when D elects to play and promptly double mulligans. I get out a quick Looter and find all kinds of goodies, while he is struggling for land and can only get out a Patchwork Gnomes, and then quickly plant a Seton’s Desire on it. I manage to Flame Burst in response, tapping it and letting four points go through to his diggitty diz, and then later Thermal Blast it, forcing him to regenerate again, so I can serve for seven points a turn. That’s plenty when you have three lands and no cards in hand.

In game two, it’s my turn to feel the burn, or more accurately, the lack of any friggin’ red source until it’s much too late. Heh, comes around goes around. But not as badly.

Game three sees me make this awful mistake:

I have Dreamwinder, Looter, and Mongrel, and try to take the initiative by serving for eight while D has no blockers. Problem: D has no Islands, and asks”sup with you attacking with that fattie, yo?” No problem at all – I’ll just sac a ruins for blue and sac this tapped Island and serve you. I’m down to four lands now, and D isn’t. Four lands. With Firecat and Shower of Coals in hand. Hi, I suck.

Three turns later, I manage to drop Firecat, which doesn’t look so hot compared to D’s Rabid Elephant, Mongrel, Springing Tiger and a couple of dorks for flavor. Next turn, Diggitty drops Twigwalker and things go from bad to even worse – I have Cat and Ember Beast, while he has a zillion guys. At this point, I look at my lands: I have four. Still. Huh? How did I cast the Cat? I had a Chamber on one of the lands, and apparently it convinced both of us that it was a land itself. I look through my graveyard for a second sac land or anything that tells me the Cat is legally in play. Finding none, and in the middle of D’s pre-attack thought, I pick up the Cat and say that he was cast illegally, and ask”Does this make the math any easier?” Sho’ does, y’all.

I get one Johnny Moral Quandary Point.

I can’t believe just how badly I suck. And cheat. Seriously, I’m awful. Maybe it’s just one of those days. Or maybe not. But D did make Top Eight, so now I don’t feel so bad. Okay, I still do.

3-3 with an asterisk

Round 7: Jon Morawski

Jill’s sitting next to me playing her match, and I’m with a tremendous chubby. Okay, that’s just wrong to say: It’s far from tremendous.

The first game sees Jon get fairly mana screwed, and I just roll up on him with the two-through-four drops that meet with little resistance, since I was Johnny Answer Man just in case I needed to be.

In game two, I mulligan to this:

Mongrel, Desire, Forest, Mountain, Island, Sentinel.

I turn to Alex, who was sitting on the other side (probably to get a little Jill to rub off on him), show him my hand and say”Who mulligans into the perfect hand?” Jon was not pleased, especially since he was quite perturbed with his opening hand.

Turn 2 Mongrel, turn 3 Desire, turn 4 Sentinel, turn 5 Dreamwinder and turn 6 Aven Fisher are serious beats. Jon manages to get Hallowed Healer and Mystic Zealot into play, but I keep applying the beats. Eventually, I’m able to Flame Burst the Healer, forcing him to make a difficult decision, since he’s at six. He shields himself for four, and needs to get a move on.

He casts Moment’s Peace next turn, and I start to think that something may be heading in the wrong direction up in here. However, the next turn he taps his lone green to cast a Mongrel, so I just Shower Mongrel and his dome and serve for the rest.

Awful play that almost happened:

At the end of game one, I served with a Mongrel wearing a Desire while Jon was at eight. He blocked with a 1/1, so I went for the kill: I cast Sylvan Might and flashed it back to make my Mongrel a 9/9 and planning on trampling him to his demise. He casts Shelter on my Mongrel in response, thinking that both Mights would fizzle and the Desire would fall off, and I just about became pissed… Until I remembered that Shelter has those sexy little words:”Target creature you control.”

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Sheldon Menery for that game win. Or maybe the fact that I can read was what saved me. Either way, send Sheldon tons of mail with smiley faces in the subject line – he loves that sappy stuff.

4-3 with an asterisk – good enough for 18th place. And in 17th place, right on top of me, is J to to the ill. I guess Becky couldn’t have stayed in and finished 19th; nah, that would be too sexy for my cat. Alex and Charlie both dropped by round five or so, with Alex sitting at 2-1-1 and Charlie at 1-1-2. Or something.

And the night was still young, which basically meant that it was time to school Jill in some Extended, since I’m now officially 0-6 vs. her in Apprentice. She’s with some kind of Jank/Junk, and I’m with Friggin’ Green, a deck that I am now convinced is not all that. But it is chips.

Deed, Plow, Boa, Duress and Verdict make Johnny a losing boy. Wow, I can’t even beat a girl!

I guess that means it’s time for the Foily Five. Charlie, Alex, myself, and some guy named Carl spilt the love into fours and got jiggy.


If you’ve seen the movie”Immortal Beloved” with Gary”God is now acting, and He’s taken the name Gary Oldman” Oldman, then you may remember the scene where Oldman fires his cook and watches as his nephew/son, Karl, walks out of the room. Oldman, playing Beethoven, who was totally deaf at this point, yells after Karl:”Kahhhhul!” That is amazingly funny to me. But not you. Ever. But Carl laughed – mostly out of pity, I presume.

Overheard whilst the Foily Five was in session:

“Are all the cards foils?… That’s sad.”

“That’s kind of gay.”

What the? Who doesn’t like Foily Five, for thalovapete? Still, enough people found such total disregard for foils sexy enough to write home about, or at least donate a few shinies to the cause. The Evil Matty Evans and The Evil Mouth signed a card or two, Jill scribbled one, and Charlie and Alex donated about fifteen foils as well. The deck is getting so damned good, except for the fact that it can’t beat anything except itself, which is a true testament to its power.

Friggin’ Alex got the”good” quarter, winning at least two games by casting an obscene amount of good spells, not the least being Rout as an instant that buried about twenty creatures. Oh, and the lucky Sean McKeown signed Treva. Friggin’ Treva. I managed to win one because I’m a savage cheater, but it’s still not great times for Becky, who left after round two, which was bad times for everyone else who wanted to see the Female Invitational Part 2 between her and Jill.

Alas, that’s what Playboy is for. I mean, that’s what I’ve heard, since I only read the articles (when I’m done with the pictures, that is).

“Red mana owns.”

-Alex, with a handful of red cards

Some guys made Top Eight, and a TeamAcademy guy won. Friggin’ linebackers.

At 10:30, Alex, Charlie and I embarked on the two-plus hour drive. I got home at 3:30. Who gets lost in Maine? Apparently, everyone. Alex was the navigator, since he had he map, and when he decided to fall asleep, driving an hour past our exit didn’t seem like a bad idea at all. And then driving an hour out of the way to try to correct it seemed like a good idea too. And getting up at seven the next morning to go to the realtors and make an offer on a cribbo was wonderful indeed.

Dear Maine,

Five bedrooms, a two-car garage and almost ten acres for 124K? What the hell is wrong with y’all?


Johnny wanna sign the papers before they realize that it should cost another 100k

The Ferrett thought he was tough because he moved twice in seven weeks, but I’ll be moving twice in eight weeks – which means, that, damn, he is tougher than me. (Never doubt it – The Ferrett)

That sucks.

One reason that people get lost on the way home is because the friggin’ passengers talk, which usually makes me get all stupid, since I can’t do two things at once with any clarity. Having a conversation and driving with any sense of direction are definitely two things.

Charlie brought up the”trigger” theory. A trigger is something that jogs your memory and takes you back to a certain moment in your past. An example would be that whenever I hear”Stupefy” or Linkin Park’s first hit that I can’t for the friggin’ life of me remember the name of right now, it takes me directly back to last year’s playtesting of Friggin’ Green. Another example would be that when my pimp is wearing his green-and-purple pinstripe jumpsuit, it takes me back to the days of when I was just a lowly assistant crackwhore, and not the self-made man that I am today. Who still doesn’t have a job. And doesn’t want one. Ever.

Reality check: Life costs money. Get a friggin’ job, ya bum.

I guess that whenever I see Chamber of Manipulation and Ember Beast in the same Sealed deck, I’ll trigger back to the day Becky played Jill. And then I can remember the day that”some bad” became”some awful,” and I still gained ten points.

Just like that guy who did that song with Jennifer Lopez said:

“What’s my Moth[edited]kin’ name!”

Bad editing is what radio is all about.

Gotta run; The Facts of Life Reunion is on. And Blair was all that. And still is. Sorry, Becky, but”Bad Times For Blair” is good times for an adolescent boy who spent way too much time by himself.

And Mrs. Garrett was a hottie.

Trigger that.

John Friggin’ Rizzo