I have found out two things this week. One: There is no physical limit to sleeping in. That is to say there are no physical factors (hunger, restedness) that can compel me to wake up. I had always assumed that after eighteen or so hours my animated corpse would say to itself, "I daresay I…
In retrospect, it’s hard to understand what came over me. Last week’s column hit a bit of a fanciful tone, and I can only guess that it was brought on by several days’ worth of erratic sleep. Try as I might have, I couldn’t drown out the voices (both inside and outside my head) that…
How would you like to be privy to a little-known fact about myself? This would be in stark contrast to the web of lies of which I am usually constituted, so no doubt you are shocked. Please take a minute to compose yourself, then read on. It may help to fantasize (as I do) that…
To be honest, I had no sense of danger looking through the Sci-fi section of the local video shoppe. I had already picked up Michael Moore’s "The Big One", but there was a deal that promised free popcorn if I rented another flick. It was the perfect opportunity to finally see the Outer Limits episode…
My pre-tournament preparation always leaves me feeling like a pile of stale garbage. This has everything to do with the fact that I refuse to sleep more than four hours beforehand. The one time I violated this rule was the Nemesis prerelease, and only then because I was comatose. I ended up sleeping eighteen hours,…
Nothing gets my bile rising like a good thing gone bad. Not since Zardoz have I had such a self-contradictory movie experience. To be sure, that was a lot more extreme. It’s hard to top spending thirty minutes trying to suffocate yourself with a pillow in hopes of ending prematurely a film that you proclaim…
One of the skills I’m certain I will never acquire is the minor prescience needed to foresee what decks people will be playing at a given tournament. I had thought, pie-eyed fool that I may be, that the Masques Block Constructed field would be wide open, what with the addition of a new set and…
Something about my having neither the temporality to be a riverboat gambler, nor the disposition required of an underworld kingpin, is getting in the way of my finding a long-term cash flow. Never mind that I also keep forgetting that the internet cannot yet fully serve me. While I’ve been busy bumbling about the real…
If I’m not lynched for this one, it’ll be a miracle. And not the nice, Frank Capra kind of miracle, either. No, if I do manage to escape untorn, it will only serve to secure a more terrifying fate later. I hope you can all live with yourselves knowing that you’ve driven me to this….
This is all going to be very dangerous. Today I’m releasing the method for an amazing multiplayer variant, and along with that the steps necessary to create the environment within which it can flourish. This isn’t for the faint of heart. Yesterday I was at the bus station minding the closest thing to my own…
If I might blaspheme for just a moment: Dear God in heaven above, it seems for certain that it’s been far too long. Perhaps that’s only because of my disgust with recent limpid offerings. Never before has blame so unanimously outweighed praise for whatever ordering of words I’d seen fit to dump in front of…
I now know the nature of hell. I’m figuratively living in a whirlwind right now, and it’s a little tough to keep my head on straight. There is no causal connection between those two things. I don’t know if you’ve seen the videos of people who’ve had the halves of their brains separated by accident…
Sure, we’ll give you a passing grade. But first, let’s break your back with assignments and comprehensive testing. Lovely. I doubt this conjecture. I’ve got some aspiration to Professorship myself and having suffered so, I have no intention of finding retribution beating out my students brains, scholastically speaking or otherwise. It’s got to be some…
Not so, I’m afraid. If this is still outside your experience, then I pray for Dame Fortune to continue smiling down on you. As for me, my life has been an unending parade of foiled endeavours. I take solace in the fact that I’m apparently picking up the slack for the remainder of the Human…
Let’s clear up the confusion once and for all: Type 2 is the format reserved for showing that your opponent is the frightened little schoolgirl we always suspected them to be. Unlike Extended, where the game is simply too fast to determine whether the person across from you is fresh from daycare or fresh from…
