(For those of you who’re not in the mood for a little Presidential Magic-style humor on this U.S. holiday, today’s column may not be for you. However, if you are interested in Two-Headed Giant, please skip down to the bottom – Bennie)
Here in the States, the 2008 Presidential campaign is already in full gear, with all sorts of figures jumping in the race – Barak Obama, John McCain, Rudy Giuliani, Hillary Clinton; even Britney Spears is shaving her head and getting tattoos in an effort to play to a more liberal base. In honor of President’s Day today, StarCityGames.com is pleased to interview a few of the less mainstream candidates who have either declared or are mulling over a run for President.
Candidate: Akroma, Angel of Wrath
Political Affiliation: Republican
Resume: Winner of Legend Survivor on MagicTheGathering.com; Voted Most Likely to Be Reanimated.
Why should people vote for you? Because I’m long on ability, and I’m a proven winner.
Who is the only President to have said “I promise” instead of “I swear” at his Inauguration? I thought this interview was about me?
It’s President’s Day, I thought I’d quiz y’all on Presidential trivia. Don’t annoy me. I’m not known as “Angel of Useless Knowledge.”
Okay, sorry. Well? Are you going to tell me who it was or do I need to get wrathful?
Oh! It’s Franklin Pierce. I’ve never even heard of him. Did you make that name up? (Draws sword)
Candidate: Akroma, Angel of Fury
Political Affiliation: Angry Democrat
Resume: The Anti-Angel of Wrath
Shouldn’t you stand for something rather than just be the “anti-candidate”? What are you trying to say?
We’ve already got one Akroma in the race, is there room for an alternate reality version? Look, we all know that I’m the real Akroma. She’s the “alternate!”
Well… SHE’S THE ALTERNATE!
Okay, okay, calm down… The path of the righteous woman is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men! Blessed is she, who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for she is truly her brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children! And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers!! And you will know my name is Akroma when I lay my vengeance upon thee!!!
One more question? Please? That was my version of Ezekiel 25:17
Here’s an easy one—who was the tallest President? Lincoln…
Yep! He was 6′ 4. Okay, put away that sword…
Candidate: Mishra, Artificer Prodigy
Political Affiliation: Fascist
Resume: Very familiar with Weapons of Mass Destruction
Why should people vote for you? Look, I’ve personally witnessed what unchecked power can lead to, and the destruction it brings. If you give me another chance, I’ll prove that I’ve learned from my mistakes and I promise to do Good Things with absolute power. I can do more than just win with Booby Trap.
What President named his personal hunting rifle “Death and Destruction?” Dick Cheney!
Grover Cleveland. Dick Cheney wasn’t a President, he’s the Vice President. Riiiiiight…
Candidate: Norin the Wary
Political Affiliation: Connecticut for Lieberman
Resume: 2/1 for one mana—impressive, ain’t it?
Why should people vote for you? Look, we’ve had quite a few years now of leaders painting unrealistically rosy pictures of bad situations. I won’t lie – I have a bad feeling about this, and I’ll tell you so.
What President was born with the initials H.U.G.? Oops, gotta go!
Um, wherever you disappeared to, the answer is Hiram Ulysses Grant…
Candidate: Saffi Eriksdotter
Political Affiliation: Democrat
Resume: Runs fast, saves others, bleeding heart
Do you think Americans are ready for a woman president? Look, CBS just ran a poll where 92% of Americans would vote for a woman for their party if she were qualified. I think 92% is a pretty good number.
How are you qualified? First of all, I recognize a threat when I see one. Ever been face to face with a Lhurgoyf? It’s ain’t pretty, let me tell you – and the breath! Oh-em-gee! Sometimes cut and run ain’t cowardly, it’s a necessity. Also, I know a little something about sacrifice, unlike a lot of other people…
Which President loved the soda Fresca so much that he had a fountain installed in the Oval Office that would dispense the soda at the push of a button? Fresca is a fairly new soda so it has to be a fairly modern President. And I can’t imagine a Republican liking Fresca… Hmm, Fresca is a diet soda so that couldn’t be Bill Clinton. Jimmy Carter strikes me as more of an I.B.C. kinda guy. Is it LBJ?
You got it! Elementary…
Candidate: Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir
Political Affiliation: Neoconservative
Resume: Master of Time, Savior
Why should people vote for you? Everyone needs to just slow down, chill, and take it easy. There’s no need for everyone to rush around and worry. You can take care of everything you need to during your main phase, we’ll take care of the other phases.
That’s not much of a platform. Relax! You don’t need to worry about politics, foreign policy, and all this Timeshifting crap. We’ve got plans – they come in phases – and we’re taking care of things.
Which president did the country of Liberia name its capital after? Since I am able to operate during your turn as well as mine, I already knew the answer to that one—Monrovia, after James Monroe.
Impressive! Aren’t I?
Candidate: Jolrael, Empress of Beasts
Political Affiliation: Green Party
Resume: Wrath of God Insurance Agent
Why should people vote for you? People are beginning to care about the catastrophic consequences of global warming on our precious environment. Since Al Gore isn’t running, I figure my ability to personalize the land makes me a natural heir apparent. Heh, natural – get it?
You’re aware that Jamie Wakefield, king of the Green mages, has serious doubts about the science behind the whole global warming thing, right? His public statements sadden me, but I think he may not really be speaking his heart. Actions speak louder than words. Where is global warming taken more seriously – Vermont, or Europe? And where is Mr. Wakefield moving from and to? Hmmm?
Which president liked to give sauerkraut and mashed potato parties? Oh that was too easy – President James Buchanan, who else?
Candidate: Ib Halfheart, Goblin Tactician
Political Affiliation: Republican
Resume: Strategery master!
Why should people vote for you? Because I too know something about sacrifice!
But you sacrifice land and other people… Yeah. What’s your point? A leader has to be willing to make the hard decisions.
Which president had a parrot that screamed curse words at his funeral? Which curse words?
I don’t think it matters… Sure it does – how am I supposed to know which one it was if I don’t know which curse words you’re talking about?
Well, the answer is Andrew Jackson. AHA! Tricked ya!
Candidate: Braids, Conjurer Adept
Political Affiliation: Socialist
Resume: I love everybody! You first…
Why should people vote for you? If I’m elected President, I’ll make sure everybody gets to put an artifact, creature, or land card into play each turn – just read my text! Oh, and universal health care too!
Which president once worked at a game booth at the Slippery Gulch Rodeo? It has to be Ronald Reagan or George W. Bush, right?
No. We’ve had another cowboy President?
Apparently Richard Nixon was a rodeo guy at one point. Really? Fascinating!
Candidate: Experiment Kraj
Political Affiliation: Yours
Resume: What are you looking for?
Why should people vote for you? Whatever you need me to do, just put a +1/+1 counter on it and I can make it happen too.
Some people criticize that you’re long on potential, but short on measurable skills. How do you respond to that? Put a +1/+1 counter on them and I’ll show you how I respond!
Do you think the American people are ready to elect an Ooze to the highest office? Look, we can all be whatever we want to be so long as we work towards it (or put a +1/+1 counter on it). I think Americans understand that and appreciate that, and look past silly things like creature type. Though keep in mind I’m also half mutant.
Which president’s dog was named Sweet Lips? After that lady on M*A*S*H*?
No, you’re thinking Hot Lips. Oh. Why would anybody name their dog Sweet Lips?!
Put a +1/+1 counter on George Washington and then you’d know! Hahahaha!! That’s not funny.
Candidate: Ith, High Arcanist
Political Affiliation: Libertarian
Resume: Maze and Wand maker
Why should people vote for you? There’s just too much interference in people lives anymore; you go about, turn after turn, doing your own thing and somebody goes and tries to attack you. You should be free to do what you want.
Which president worked as a fashion model for Cosmopolitan and Look magazine? What a president did in his personal life is his own business; it’s of no concern of ours.
The answer’s Gerard Ford. One handsome son-of-a-gun in his youth, weren’t he?
Candidate: Lim-Dul, the Necromancer
Political Affiliation: Evil
Resume: Life-for-Cards day trader. Great evil laugh… MUH-HA-HAHAHAHAHAA!!!
Why should people vote for you? Because voting for anyone else will result in our complete annihilation. All the most vicious and despicable people around the world are just praying that I don’t get elected! So are you siding with them or are you siding with America? Trust me, I’m going to be hiring one of the most evil political geniuses ever to walk the Earth to run my campaign, come 2008 you will have no choice but to vote for me… and you’ll be convinced you made your own decision! MUH-HA-HAHAHAHAHAA!!! FOOLS!!
Which president customarily went skinny-dipping in the Potomac River before dawn during warm weather? Weren’t all our presidents wrinkly old men?! Talk about horror!! I have no idea who it was, but if elected I promise I will not go skinny dipping in any public place. You can take that to the bank.
It was John Quincy Adams. Ah, Mr. “Corrupt Bargain,” how could I have not known?
Okay, and there you have it folks! I have to say there were quite a few surprises here, and we’ll see how many of them can raise enough money to be viable, so stay tuned! Be sure to cast your vote in our straw poll over in the forums!
Two-Headed Giant — The Saga Continues
I’m glad to finally see somebody else weighing in on the format (thanks, Sean) recently. One thing that I just found out is that the format for the Top 4 teams after Swiss (Top 8 players) is changing from what it was before. Last year when you made the cut, each team got a brand new card pool from which to construct two more decks. This time it’s 2HG draft! How does it work? The DCI explanation is here, but basically it goes like this: four teams sit around a table. Team-mates sit next to each other and crack open one pack between them. They pick two cards from the pack and then pass the pack to the next team, to repeat until the very last pick of a single card. This certainly makes things interesting – will the Sliver gambit be something you can feasibly try to angle on here? I imagine it’ll feel a little like trying to shoot the moon in a game of Hearts; so long as no one realizes what you’re doing, you can really set things up to rock and roll. Otherwise you might get screwed. [For more info on 2HG Draft, check out Nick Eisel article here! — Craig.]
Anyway, 2HG draft feels so significantly different than 2HG sealed that I’d like to specifically practice it to get an edge if at all possible. Sadly, I don’t know of three other 2HG teams here in Richmond to playtest with. So it occurred to me – I could conceivably run a 2HG draft by email! My partner and I typically correspond with each other several times a day via email, so if there are any 2HG teams out there that might be interested in joining in an email practice draft, drop me a line at bennie dot c dot smith at gmail dot com for details. Let me know your names, email address and what State Champs you’re planning on attending. You and your team-mate must be willing and able to check your email several times during the day so our draft doesn’t take a week to complete. It’s my hope we can actually throw out 2-3 practice drafts. I have no idea how much response I’ll get from you all, but if I get too many volunteers I’ll just pick at random. One final condition – you must be willing to let me write about what we talk about during our email draft! Hope to hear from you soon!
Bennie