SECTION ONE: A PAIN IN THE GRAVITAS
My yielding peaches: It takes but a little effort on one’s own part to elevate any sport or pastime into something more weighty and intellectual — the costumes or uniforms one may wear, the equipment one utilises, the toiletry products one liberally applies and, most important of all: The language one uses. With the power of the spoken word, one can increase the respectability of even the lowliest, scum-sucking, dirt-snuffling, faeces-ridden, debauchfest++.
Consider the case of ‘Foxy Boxing’ (just an coincident example I plucked from the aether), whereupon ladies of a generously-bosomed nature engage in mock Pugilism with pumpkin-sized gloves. This softly pornographic exercise would become an Olympic event overnight+, if only the buxom protagonists acted in a manner such as the example that follows:
Referee:
(in a dirty suit with food stains on his tie. His ‘flies’ are undone and a piece of nicotine-stained shirt pokes out of it)
Heena Raid Cowna – Juuuuuuuuugs McCready !
(rowdy applause)
Anna heen a Blue Cowna – Brrrrrrrrrr-enda Boooooooobs
(more rowdy applause)
Jennifer ‘Jugs’ McCready:
(to her top-heavy opponent)
Prithy, fair Lady Brenda of Cleavage, raisest thou thine be-gloved hands and prepare for an sound thrashing.
Brenda Boobs:
(skipping from foot to foot)
Thou and whost Army, stout Jenny? Comst thou hither if thou thinketh thine nature is hard enough!
Jennifer ‘Jugs’ McCready:
(angered)
To whom ist thou addressing th’insult ‘stout’, knavish slut?
Brenda Boobs:
Why to thee, thou lumpen harpie — facest thou the truth, buster, tis a brace of ‘tyres spare’ that thou sportest around thine ample equator!
Jennifer ‘Jugs’ McCready:
(attempting a swift right to the temple)
Look to thine own bulbous meridian, O raddled hag, and stitcheth this!
…and so on. I could tell that you, dear reader, were rapt at the exchange of flowery insults and insinuations — a fine illustration of the power of language!
SECTION TWO: CLICHES COME "A DIME A DOZEN"
In this section, my fresh-sprouting buds of Spring, I bring you alternatives to the staid and stuffy langauge of Magic: The Gathering; just as pretending
you’re from Medieval England can spice up semi-naked fisticuffs+++, so inventive wordplay can stimulate the dullest of duels.
Things To Say When You Untap
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– Untippety-tippety-tippety-tap*
– "Wake up Moggy, I think I got something to say to you…"
– Rotate all my permanents 90 degrees in a counter-clockwise direction unless otherwise directed by cards in play
– This part certainly strengthens the wrist action, no?
– (to your opponent) Having successfully ripped your head off in the last turn, it’s time to void myself into your exposed neck cavity
– (really loudly) Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun-TAP!
Things To Say During Combat
————————————————–
– I declare my intention to beat the living daylights out of you
– Rrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
– Who’s your daddy?
– Prepare to die, <FOREIGN STEREOTYPE> pig!
– In**
– You’re MY bee-atch now / You’re goin’ down
– (Give short bursts of high-pitched giggling)
– In response to you declaring blockers, I’m gonna smash your face in!
Things To Say At The End of An Opponent’s Step/Phase
————————————————–
– At the end of your <INSERT STEP/PHASE NAME HERE> I’ll (pause) do nothing at all — ha!
– Are you sure?
– Wait up there, old Hoss…
– Whatever***
– Don’t you want to… (point out an effect or ability that could be played at this point, but would be blatant insanity to do so) ?****
Things To Say When You Concede
————————————————–
– I declare the beginning of my Scoop Phase
– Hi! I’m Special Agent Dale Scooper, D.C.I
– This is my scoop-de-gras !
– My scoop overfloweth
– I’m well and truly scoopered
– Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It’s Scooperman!
– Down to the scoop kitchen I go
– Down peri-scoop!
– (singing) Scoopy scoopy doo, where are you?
– You may have beaten me THIS time, but at least I get regular sex!
Things To Say When You Need To Top-Deck
————————————————–
– By the Power of Greyskull!
– (tap the top of your library three times) Come to poppa…
– You are SOOOOOOO dead!
– *ahem*
– (to the tune of "I Want Your Sex" by George Michael) "I want your deck — doop doop doop doop doo-doo-wop"
– There is only one card that can save me — AND HERE IT IS!
– Do you want to concede and play the next game ?****
General Things To Say
————————————————–
– Do you want to concede and play the next game ?****
– If I concede, will you ‘polish my bannister’?****
– I’m bored with this — I’m off (depart)
Thus is a new game born — let me know how things proceed from here, won’t you? I’m always available — well, at least until they manage to move that wardrobe off of me.
Until the Goose of Fortune is once more sucked through the Engine-Intake of Destiny:
Ciao, babies!
Notes:
+ Don’t hold your breath
++ I quite _like_ Xxxenophobia, actually
+++ Let’s just keep that thought for a few moments
* This is SO annoying by about turn 3
** Short, sweet, and alarmingly bereft of any information
*** In that squeaky, Cartman-like dismissive tone
**** _ALWAYS_ worth a try…
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