Its red carpet may not be very glamorous, but here at the Type Two (Tolarian) Academy Awards, the mechanics are certainly divas this year. Brash and beautifully broken, they’re ready to strut their stuff and do their best to please you, the Type Two player. Hey, was that Madness that just walked by? Er… I, your red carpet rover, am here to announce this year’s nominees for Most Broken Mechanic:
Cycling
This classic diva hasn’t lost her touch. She is back and better than ever, sporting new and varied costs, triggered effects, and delightful supporting actresses Astral Slide and Lightning Rift, but will her latest appearance be spoiled by uncouth Goblins and the dreadful Stabilizer?
Morph
He claims he’s just misunderstood and that he has been underused in relation to his potential. He has been nominated for his work in Exalted Angel and the occasional cameo appearance.
Storm
Perhaps her bitterness over her very few appearances has been softened by this nomination. Wing Shards and Mind’s Desire just wouldn’t have been the same without her, and her high price tag is matched only by her sheer power. Her work in the cult classic Dragonstorm has warmed her to more casual fans, but will the judges at the Academy see her in the same way?
Equipment
This sexy twist on artifacts has been making for some really big weenies these days. Added power, added toughness, haste, untargetability, trample, pinging, double strike, card drawing, life gain, and instant planar doom…she does it all!
Affinity
Young upstart Affinity (short for Affinity for Artifacts, his legal name) has rocked the Type Two world. In a few short weeks, he went from Prerelease curiosity to States dynamo, raising hopes and crushing dreams worldwide with his many roles, including Broodstar and Myr Enforcer. He is widely seen as this year’s favorite despite his prejudiced attitude. (Backstage rumors have him snubbing anything that isn’t Blue or an artifact.)
Here comes the granddaddy of brokenness to present the award for Most Broken Mechanic, the charming and talented Free Mechanic, who is wearing an outfit from Frantic Search tonight.
“Thank you for your warm welcome. Sorry, but I’m not one for speeches. I’d rather just be at home to be with my lovely wife, Black Lotus, but sometimes I do want my action. Then, of course, my lovely wife won’t let me go out with any friends. I guess you could say I’m stuck between a rock and a hard case! Ha-ha! Now, the award for Most Broken Mechanic goes to…Affinity!”
Now Affinity is taking the stage, and his face is lit up like a Christmas tree. This most be an amazing moment for him.
“Oh wow…thank you, thank you so very much to everyone who voted me Most Broken Mechanic! I do my best, but you all know that I just couldn’t do it alone. I’d like to thank my good friends Thirst for Knowledge and Welding Jar for supporting me in my early struggles. I’d also like to thank the gracious people of the Great Furnace and the Seat of the Synod for all their wonderful hospitality, as well as the workers in Glimmervoid who made everything possible for me. I hope there’s nothing in my way from now on, because I want to ride this until they take me down, and I won’t go down without a fight! Thank you Magic, and good night!”
Well, that’s the awards show. Now I’m here with the king of library milling, recently honored with a banning from Extended… Hermit Druid!
“Thanks very much for inviting me. You know, it wasn’t a surprise to me that Affinity won. I mean, look at Cycling. She’s back and gorgeous for a mechanic her age, but she doesn’t really bend any rules. She makes you pay for what you get, and she’s spectacular in the right combination, but there’s nothing but bad chemistry between her and Stabilizer. That, and Goblins are camera hogs.”
“Now, take a look at Morph. He was just riding on everyone else’s coattails. If it hadn’t been for Exalted Angel, there’s no way he would have made the list. It was between him and Entwine, but I think the voters just didn’t see anything in Entwine. Maybe they’ll find a reason to nominate Entwine next year.”
“Storm was just like Morph. Without Wing Shards, she’s nothing. Even though Mind’s Desire was very popular in foreign markets this year (Extended), it just didn’t take off very much in Type 2. Tendrils of Agony hasn’t found a place in the sun, and all her other projects were stillborn. She was also lucky just to get nominated.”
“Equipment was this year’s bridesmaid. She’s new, powerful, and she had everybody staring. Unfortunately, it seems she’s in it for the long haul, which no doubt hurt her chances this year. While some of her work may seem breakable now, it’s nothing compared to the havoc Affinity has wreaked.”
“This brings us to this year’s winner. Affinity is everything the Academy could ask for. Ridiculously undercosted spells? Check. Powerful, game-winning effects? Check. His only demand is that you play Blue, and with all the wonderful options available in Blue from the plane of Mirrodin, why not? Two-mana 8/8 flying beasts are fun, right? Drawing two cards for one mana is only one card away from Total Ancestral Recall. Free 2/2 artifact creatures are okay, but free 4/4 artifact creatures are even better! It’s amazing what Affinity has done, and this is only the first set!”
“You know, it’s very interesting comparing Affinity to this award show’s namesake. Affinity works only for colorless mana, not Blue mana like the Tolarian Academy, but at the same time, its effect is almost equivalent. Tolarian Academy essentially made everything Blue or artifact cost 1 less to play for each artifact its controller controlled. That was powerful enough, it was banned before I was. Now there’s Affinity out there. Affinity is bold and everybody knows it. Thoughtcast, Broodstar, and Assert Authority each come with their own miniature Tolarian Academy attached! So do Myr Enforcer and Frogmite, not to mention the various body parts of one Chiss-Goria. None of the other nominees this year even came close. It was Affinity all the way.”
Thank you, Hermit Druid. It looks like that will about do it for this year’s Type Two (Tolarian) Academy Awards, so if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to join the after-awards party where Cycling is hanging out. Here’s my invitation!
Signing off,
John Dale Beety