The effect of the upcoming Extended rotation on established archetypes. Don’t worry. I will not be writing about it – not in the conventional sense. I’d sooner moon a cactus at point blank range. It’s actually a blessing, if you think about it – I don’t have to tread back over the same territory that has been covered and covered by twenty other guys, and you don’t have to read me trying to do it.
That’s what you call win-win.
I’ve done my own reading. I know everything there is to know already, because I’ve made like a Brillo Pad and scoured the words of my betters. I won’t rain down any more of that”What is still viable?” bile on you guys – you’re safe here with me. Out goes Ice Age and out goes Weatherlight and out goes everything in between… And like sand through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. This rotation will be as simple or as complex as you make it. I’m planning on taking it easy.
As I said, I have no analysis to offer you that hasn’t been covered one hundred times on ten websites. I will not, however, remain completely silent. There’s one departing card that hasn’t been covered anywhere else. Get your hands out of your pants and listen up. Close all other programs. All eyes here. Let me tell you what we’re really losing with this rotation.
A bunch of decks, and Ekundu Cyclops.
3R
Creature – Cyclops
3/4
If any creature you control attacks, Ekundu Cyclops also attacks if able.
A farewell to Trix? You’ll hear nothing of the sort from me – it’s been done, and done better, by those who knew it better and played it longer. I’ve got my own priorities, my own stops to make on the road of tearful goodbyes.
You might weep for the infamous Secret Force or the diabolical Trix, but let me tell you something, junior – somewhere in purgatory, there’s a diminutive guy named Sigmund Freud. Right now, he’s doing two things – snorting coke and mourning the Ekundu Cyclops.
Good sirs, Extended has just lost the biggest phallic symbol in the history of Magic: The Gathering.
The card itself defies explanation on many levels. Wasn’t it obvious, with even the most cursory glance, that the art was dominated by more of Jack’s beanstalk than the fairy tale typically allows? What could have possessed the design team to commission this surreal art from Robert Bliss? Did they envision such a suggestive tableau when the card was first conceived?
“Get Robert Bliss on the phone. Tell him we need some art with a female ogress straddling a big green wang.”
I only wish I were kidding, fellow players, but for the love of all things holy, just look at the card.
Back? Good. Dim the lights and let me get out my pointer.
(Imagine the click of a slide-projector here)
*cough*
As you can see here, the entire left side of the picture is dominated by a massive tallywhacker of ominous intent. At the base of Mr. Happy, you can see that there are several”wangettes” sprouting, satellite-like, from the olive-hued surface. Just above these, a female creature of some sort can be found mounted on what can only be described as the”shaft” of the whole works. For good measure, she carries both a knife and an axe.
Already you’ve seen too much and you’re shaking your head in disbelief. This entire time you thought that Uktabi Orangutan was the naughtiest card ever printed? Ha! Let’s continue, shall we?
(click of the slide projector)
Ahem.
Moving towards the centre of the picture, you can see a duo of luminescent”moons” in the background, backlighting the whole scene. Those are not the forest moons of Endor. More like Wangdor. There is nothing accidental about the number or the positioning of these spheres – turn the card upside down and you’ll see Captain Winky at rest, and in perfect profile.
There’s more. The card is a Cyclops…the one-eyed monster.
(click of the slide projector)
Look carefully here – the flavor text even includes the line”Big one I,” and”one big eye“. Subtle as a sledgehammer.
“Lights!”
(the slide projector turns off, and the lights are raised)
So there you have it. Mirage gave us a lot, but nothing more noteworthy than the biggest penis joke in the CCG industry. We’ll miss you big guy. Take care.