(a TV turns on)
Voiceover:
(ominous music)
“…the worst 3CC creatures of all time!”
(The theme music begins.)
Bad cards, bad cards, whatcha’ gonna’ do? Whatcha gonna do, when they come for you?
Bad cards, bad cards, whatcha’ gonna’ do? Whatcha gonna do, when they come for you?
2U
Creature – Merfolk
1/2
When Saprazzan Raider becomes blocked, return it to its owner’s hand.
A Mercadian Masques common. 1/2, with an ability that isn’t really an ability at all, and it’s sometimes a drawback. Saprazzan Raider can’t even serve into a Reef Shaman, for the love of God!
DSP
Raider: “Sucking?”
DSP (nods): “Sucking.”
DSP: “…”
DSP: “…And smokin’ the reefer.”
Yes, Saprazzan Raider is probably the most offensively bad three casting cost creature ever printed – simply because it was unleashed in a”modern-era” set, and not before R & D knew any better. I can’t believe the uselessness of this card. Saprazzan Raider, you’re busted. Put your hands on the hood.
2R
Creature – Hound
1/1
Whenever you’re dealt damage, you may put that many +1/+1 counters on Blood Hound. At the end of your turn, remove all +1/+1 counters from Blood Hound.
This one is even worse because it’s a Masques rare.
DSP
Hound: “Of what?”
DSP: “Of suckitude. I’m gonna have to take you down the stationhouse.”
Hound: “On what charge!?”
DSP: “Stinking up rare slots the world over.”
What garbage! The only playable card that gets better when your opponent is kicking your ass is Balance. This barely qualifies as a card at all – it’s more of a blight. Book’em.
Ghosts Of The Damned
1BB
Creature – Ghost
0/2
Tap: Target creature gets -1/-0 until end of turn.
Sweet merciful heaven, this thing is an abomination. I especially like how it’s strictly inferior to Sorceress Queen, and sucks.
DSP
Ghosts: “Buried in a thousand-count box with the rest of the unplayable crap from Legends. Where else?”
DSP: “…”
DSP: “Okay, your alibi checks out.”
Apparently Hell Swarm was overpowered so they stuck the ability on a creature that can’t even attack. What else can I say? This card is god-awful, one of the worst ever printed. Even that guy who gives”Bands with other” could serve for one. We’ll deny bail here – I want to lock this one up and throw away the key.
2G
Creature – Gypsy
1/1
1G, tap: Target creature gets -2/-0 until end of turn.
Ghosts Of The Damned in green, with the special bonus of tying up your mana.
DSP
Gypsy: “Attica! Attica!”
Laughably bad. Don’t worry, though – the Daily Shot Patrol is on the case! One month in solitary confinement. Bread and water.
Then we’ll see what we can do about getting this guy the chair.
UBW
Creature – Cleric
0/3
W, Pay 1 life: Prevent the next 2 damage that would be dealt to target creature this turn.
U: Prevent the next 1 damage that would be dealt to target Cleric or Wizard this turn.
B, put a -1/-1 counter on a creature you control: Prevent the next 2 damage that would be dealt to target player this turn.
You’d figure that with the number of abilities they piled onto this piece of crap, they’d accidentally put a useful one on there somewhere. No such luck. You have to rape your mana stability, deal yourself a mountain of painland damage and risk massive color screw in order to support the colors necessary… And in return, you get rewarded with this festering blister of a card? Join me in hoisting the middle finger.
(hoist)
DSP (to dispatch)
DSP: “…”
Mage:”Don’t come any closer, I’ve got three crappy abilities and I’m not afraid to use them!”
DSP (drawing his gun): “Don’t make any sudden moves! Put the crappy ability on the ground, now!”
Mage: “I won’t!”
DSP: “Mister, do you want to get shot?”
Mage: “Yes! You would too if you sucked this bad!”
DSP: “…”
DSP: “Oh.”
Note that this card is incapable of damaging an opponent in any way, shape, or form. You could draw four of these and play them all, and still never deal a point of damage. Creatures with that sort of impotence are rare indeed. Wandering Mage – you’re busted!
Epilogue
DSP
DSP:”Those thoughts never last long. I’m a card cop. Keeping the world safe from bad cards is my job.
(fade out)