Let’s start with some funny, and then move into the Magic.
Chatting on Yahoo Messenger with Lorelei.
Me: “I’m turning into a metrosexual. Today I actually bought body spray.”
Lorelei: “Dharmesh will be so happy to hear that. But that’s what happens when you hang out with a fashion plate like Wendy.”
Dharmesh is Lorelei’s new husband. They have been together for, what, seven years now, and they’re newly married. Dharnewb, as we affectionately call him, takes more time to get ready in the morning than any woman I have ever dated.
Now I’m wearing shirts without Superheroes on them. And buying body spray. Okay, admittedly, as I type this, I am wearing a shirt that has Tigger on it, but I am inside and haven’t showered yet. In fact, it’s the shirt I’m wearing in my decades-old column photo on this site. Which I need to update. I look more like that photo now than I have in the past ten years, but still, it’s a bit old. Wendy has some new photos up on her site if you have any interest in seeing them.
Yahoo messenger again –
Hilary: “Yeah, so, Jeremy was talking with some guys on Magic Online and one guy said he knew you. Said you were a giant. Like 6’6 or 6’7.”
Me: “LOL! I am? Wow. Wonder who this guy was that knew me.”
Hilary: “Yeah, Jeremy tried to set them straight but too many people said they knew you and that the first guy was right, that you were gigantic.”
While I may be King of the Fatties, I am not gigantic. I am 5’11" and 176 lbs. Not a giant among men anywhere but in Spain.
King of the Fatties. Ah, I love that title. I may have to switch focus on my deck building to live up to that. Because a few things have made me remember how much fun it is to cast huge fatties, watch your opponent struggle to deal with them, and when they finally do, cast another one. And you know what else is good? Fatties that say “Can’t be countered.” Like, say, Akroma.
A few weeks ago, Pino Player Xico pointed me to a deck that he thought I would enjoy and might make a strong showing at the Pro Tour. It was called Mana Ramp. It’s pretty popular now, but to me it looked like everything I was looking for, and it was the first time I had seen it. In fact, it reminded me of a much cooler, well-tuned version of a deck I was already working on.
This is what I was working on.
Time Spiral High Mana Green
23 Forest
4 Call of the Herd
3 Verdeloth the Ancient
4 Wall of Roots
4 Durkwood Baloth
2 Jedit Ojanen of Efrava
4 Lotus Bloom
4 Search for Tomorrow
3 Weatherseed Totem
3 Wurmcalling
2 Serrated Arrows
4 Gauntlet of Power
Yeah, its garbage. But one thing to note is that Lotus Blooms are amazing. Honestly, they are not being used in enough decks. These are Dark Ritual for everyone. In a deck like this, they can allow you to get out an early Gauntlet of Power, a Jedit Ojanen, or suspend a couple of them at the start and make Verdeloth the Ancient with massive kicker. Just pray they don’t Damnnate them all away.
Weatherseed Totems are nigh un-killable while they’re, um, ramping up the mana. And once you have a lot of mana, Wurmcalling is actually amazing. The Durkwood Baloth is in there because my God does this format have almost no turn 1 plays unless you’re suspending!
I love it, but it’s not as cool as the Mana Ramp deck he shows me.
3 Stormbind
4 Search for Tomorrow
4 Hunting Wilds
3 Mwonvuli Acid-Moss
4 Harmonize
3 Disintegrate
2 Verdeloth the Ancient
3 Bogardan Hellkite
3 Citanul Woodreaders
4 Yavimaya Dryad
4 Wall of Roots
3 Terramorphic Expanse
12 Forest
6 Mountain
2 Urza’s Factory
I play one game with it and lose to a guy playing almost the same deck but with Radha, Heir to Keld; Bogardan Hellkite; and Lotus Bloom, and I think “Okay, now that is cool.”
I build that version of the deck and play a few more games, and I’m reminded of how much I love to cast fatties. Wow, do I love to flip Akroma when Radha attacks! Wow, do I love Lotus Bloom into Bogardan Hellkite dragon-breathing away all your guys! Ah, so much fun. It is then that I start to realize that I need to play more fatties again. Maybe just focus on the best decks in the format and play the ones with the fattest creatures. I mean hey, I’m already obsessed with Magic, but I might as well be obsessed and have the most fun possible right? I have all the cards for Dragonstorm… why oh why do I resist casting four Dragons on turn 4?
I don’t know. I just know I love winning with big creatures.
Anyway, the point of this is that this is my current version of Mana Ramp.
Creatures (20)
- 3 Verdeloth the Ancient
- 4 Wall of Roots
- 3 Bogardan Hellkite
- 4 Yavimaya Dryad
- 3 Akroma, Angel of Fury
- 3 Radha, Heir to Keld
Lands (25)
Spells (15)
Sideboard
I know you are thinking, “What, no Harmonize?” No, no Harmonize… and I’ll tell you why not. Because every time I draw it, I already have other things to play. With Harmonize in the deck, there are too many times where I’m actually discarding cards because I have eight in hand. And the entire time I’m casting it, I’m thinking, “I really need to cast something active this turn, not cast something that will get me more active cards for later.”
My hand is already full.
Verdant Embrace? Yes. The card is not getting the attention is deserves. Especially in a deck with Verdeloth. Admittedly, like all creature enchantments, it is risky. But this one is worth it. This card can win you entire matches against certain decks all by itself.
Has anyone else noticed how insane Land Destruction is in this format? I have won and lost entire games based solely on who got their Acid Moss off first. Such a slow format. But it sure feels great to cast some huge guys again.
Ah, I love Green. And Green loves me.
Wendy and I went to Provence, France for a wedding this weekend.
I get up Thursday morning and I play some Green magic. MGA in Standard, and I just love Allosaurus Riders versus slow decks. Or even Dragonstorm. Just so funny. Then I get in the shower and use my Garnier Fructise Shampoo in the green bottle. This was not my choice. When I got here, this was the Shampoo Wendy had in her shower. Yes, it has run out, but I liked it so I bought more. I get out of the shower and used my green Axe roll-on deodorant. Then, embracing my full metrosexuality, I spray some green Axe body spray on my chest. Hey, we smelled all the others, Wendy liked the green one. I spill some toothpaste onto my toothbrush; it is green with little sparkles. Again, not something I picked out. Wendy and I went to the Corte Ingles, and she looked at fifteen toothpastes and settled on this one. It was a surprise to both of us when it came out green. I get dressed and put on my gray underwear, and I am surprised to see it actually has multiple green stripes in it. I throw on a green shirt with a bull on the front of it; a last-minute addition as we were walking out of Banana Republic.
Here is the kicker to the end of my Green Day.
We fly to Provence, and Hertz assigns us a car. We go out to the parking spot they tell us it’s parked in, and I burst out laughing.
It’s a Renault “Elf.”
I sh** you not.
As we drive along, I come to a startling revelation. I have finally found a place on Earth more beautiful than Vermont. That place is Provence. I never thought I would type those words or feel that way, ever.
We get a Hertz "Never Lost," which is actually a licensed Magellan, and it is a wonder. Do you appreciate the magical age we live in? A woman’s voice directs us to Auron in the middle of the night. Satellites, miles above us, tracking our location to within the meter. Side streets no bigger than a baguette are mapped and tracked by a box no bigger than my fist.
Female voice from the Magellan box: “In 40 meters, turn left on Baguette 4.”
I can’t get over the countryside. It’s like Vermont with an ocean view. It is like Vermont with fortified towns on the tops of large bluffs. It is like Vermont with European buildings, large fields of wild poppies, and rows of grapes instead of corn. Hundreds of kilometers of two-foot high stone walls. It is staggering.
Soon we are driving, in the dark, up a mountain goat pass barely large enough for the Elf to travel. It is a two-lane goat pass. I have no idea what we will do if another car shows up going in the opposite direction.
Soon we arrive at the B&B that Wendy has found for us. The proprietor greets us at the gate, opening it for the Elf to drive through. He leads us out around the back to our room, and automatic lights turn on as we advance until we are at our door. Inside is a small apartment furnished with unique pictures, a large dresser, a bed with heavy comforters, a large bathroom, and a sitting room with a centuries-old couch. We walk outside to chat with our proprietor and look over a deep valley. A courtyard with a couple of tables for sitting and drinking wine, or having a light lunch. There are dozens of strategically-placed flowers and plants around the yard. A moon shining down on us. A wind blowing in from the north.
I’m not a sensitive guy. I have killed a living thing, gutted it in the woods and then fried its heart up in deer camp mere hours later. I have tried to choke a man unconscious in a submission wrestling tournament. I watch Ultimate Fighting every chance I get, and cheer like a drunken European soccer fan. But tonight is almost too much to take. I am overwhelmed by this place. Wendy is clearly confused by my attitude. I am meditative and quiet and trying to explain what I feel, but I don’t have the words.
A part of me is sad that Marilyn will never have the revelations that I am having. That she never got a chance to see this. To be awed by this. To understand the beauty we never knew existed outside of the games we played. Another part of me is overwhelmed that I have led such a sheltered existence, and at one time would have happily died at home, never knowing such sights existed in this world. Still another part of me is thankful and overjoyed that I have found such a passionate, amazing, intense, intelligent, beautiful woman with whom to share these things. A woman who expands my horizons to areas I never knew existed. To show me things I never would have seen. To push me, and make me never ask again “Is this all there is?”
Okay, some random amusing snippets:
The next day we head to the most beautiful armpit of the world I have ever seen: our electronic female travel agent guiding us to spots unknown. How is it possible that Magellan has mapped dirt roads that lead to a dead-end five miles into the woods? How is that possible? How can there be an Inn at the end of a five-mile dead-end dirt road and not have any signs up pointing towards it? How do they get any business?
This is the site of the first event of the multi-event wedding. A picnic and meet-and-greet. It is twelve thirty, and everyone has wine in their hand. Wendy tells me she only knows a few people here, but they might remember her because of the speech she gave at Collette’s wedding. Wendy thought the speech she gave came off well.
This impression is made fact by the reality that soon we are swarmed with people shaking Wendy’s hand, kissing her on the cheek, and hugging her. Everyone is commenting on the speech she gave as she introduces me to people, and soon I am kissing women on the cheek and shaking men’s hands, all of which tell me how lucky I am to have caught her. How brilliant and beautiful she is. What a great speechmaker. How she single-handedly entertained an entire crowd. How masterful she is.
I tell them I know. I am very lucky. They pat me on the back and grab my shoulder and smile knowingly at me. There are kisses and wine everywhere.
I guess it was quite a speech.
Collette and Mathieu show up, and we chat for a bit and then take out seats for the meal.
I have to explain to Collette that I don’t eat Fois Gras. Or lamb or veal. I try to be a cruelty-free person in my eating habits. Which is impossible in today’s world, but I do what I can. The thought of force-feeding a duck or a goose for days on end doesn’t appeal to me.
Collette tells me “I eat too much all the time. If someone were to track me down and kill me for my liver, I’d deserve it. Good for them, and bad for me for eating so much I couldn’t run away” as she stuffs more Fois Gras down her gullet.
Bruno pipes up, pointing “Ah, lunch is served!”
Behind us, a baby goat is descending the hill and approaching the table.
Bruno “And I shall name him Barbeque!”
Wendy and I stop for a drink at a little pizzeria after the wedding, waiting for the reception to start, which, for some bizarre reason, is two and a half hours later. Three sixteen-year-olds and a twelve-year-old are playing some card game, and keep looking over at me in my pink shirt and Wendy in her beautiful dress, totally made up. Every now and then they start laughing amongst themselves. Wendy wants me to pose for a picture, and they start laughing and trying to hide their pointing. I start plotting how I’m going to take out four kids at once. One with a kick to the midsection, one with a right cross, the other with a shoulder toss… The twelve-year-old will run away at that point. It’ll be all good.
A new young tough enters the picture, walking up to chat with the tanned young men in jeans and cut off t-shirts and homemade tattoos. Fantasies of beating up three kids and a child exit my mind when he kisses each one on the cheek three times, and they respond with the same.
As an American, at this time, thinking what I am thinking, this is about the most bizarre scene ever. It’s all I can do not to burst out laughing.
We go to the wedding reception, and at one point a shrunken, ancient woman comes up and asks Wendy and Collette to pose. She then whips out her cell phone and takes a picture.
I find out this is Maite. She is a 91-year-old grandma on Mathieu’s side who was in the French resistance, married to a Jewish man who was in a concentration camp for five years, and she is now taking pictures with her cell phone. Are you kidding me? In case you don’t understand, this generation has not exactly embraced technology. I have a hundred-and-two-year-old grandma who has never used a computer. She was spry until 98. Walking a mile a day, all her faculties about her. Despite that, she has never used a computer, a cell phone, or even a fax machine. All of them confuse her terribly.
We get up Sunday morning and head to brunch, put on (again) by the bride’s rich parents. Filthy rich. We get there at one o’clock and again, every person there has a glass of wine in their hand. I think back over the last three days.
Day 1 – Picnic in the afternoon. Everyone drinking? Check.
Cocktail party in the evening. Everyone drinking? Check.
Day 2 – Wedding. Not many people drinking.
Wedding Reception that evening – Everyone drinking? Check.
Day 3 – Brunch – Everyone drinking? Check.
I get drinks for me, Wendy, Collette, and Maite. I sit down and pull Wendy close to me so I can whisper “I just realized; I’m not an alcoholic, I’m just European!”
Okay, there’s a ton more, but that will have to go into my scratch pad for later. For now, let’s finish up with some Magic.
Having had such great success (and fun) with MGA in Standard, I look over the list and think how good this deck would be in Extended. It already kills on turn 3-4… how good with it be with Chrome Mox and Jitte?
Creatures (28)
- 4 Llanowar Elves
- 4 Caller of the Claw
- 4 Dryad Sophisticate
- 4 Giant Solifuge
- 4 Silhana Ledgewalker
- 4 Boreal Druid
- 4 Scryb Ranger
Lands (17)
Spells (15)
Sideboard
Honestly, in Standard, with a slow start, Wrath and Damnation are the deck’s worst enemies. The slow start is mitigated with the Chrome Mox, and Wrath and Damnation’s impact is lessened by Caller of the Claw. Lastly, I’m pretty sure that Jitte is better than Moldervine Cloak.
The only thing I’m not sure of is the Giant Solifuge. Those could be Champions… or is that mentally challenged?
Finally, let me apologize for the tone of some of my reviews on Future Sight a couple of weeks ago. I read them over today and was a little embarrassed. Honestly, I was trying to be funny, and maybe I was a little annoyed. But really, I have to remember that there are people who designed those cards. People that probably read that review and thought “Hey, glad we designed Timbermare for you Wakefield, you d*ck.”
I could have said everything I needed to say without being so snide and condescending, and for that I apologize.
And now, let me totally derail any discussion that might have happened in the forums concerning anything previously stated in the article, because now I’m going to talk about how I would have designed some of the Green cards of Future Sight. And having done that, I know from the past that this will be the only thing talked about in the forums because people love to talk about hypothetical cards.
Centaur Omenreader
3G
Snow Creature – Centaur Shaman (U)
Creature spells you play cost [2] less to play.
3/3
Cyclical Evolution
G
Sorcery (U)
Target creature gets +3/+3 until end of turn. Remove Cyclical Evolution from the game with three time counters on it.
Edge of Autumn
1G
Sorcery (C)
Search your library for a basic land card, put it into play tapped, then shuffle your library.
Cycling – Sacrifice a land (Sacrifice a land, Discard this card: Draw a card.)
Force of Savagery
2G
Creature – Elemental (R)
Trample
8/1
Heartwood Storyteller
1GG
Creature – Treefolk (R)
Whenever you play a creature spell, draw a card.
2/3
Imperiosaur
GGGG
Creature – Lizard (U)
Trample
5/5
Kavu Primarch
3G
Creature – Kavu (C)
Convoke
Kicker – [4]
If the kicker cost was paid, Kavu Primarch comes into play with four +1/+1 counters on it.
4/4
Llanowar Augur
2G
Creature – Elf Shaman (C)
Sacrifice Llanowar Augur: Target creature gets +3/+3 and gains trample until end of turn. Play this ability only during your upkeep.
2/3
Llanowar Empath
1G
Creature – Elf Shaman (C)
When Llanowar Empath comes into play, scry 2.
2/2
Muraganda Petroglyphs
3G
Enchantment (R)
Creatures you control with no abilities get +2/+2.
Nacatl War-Pride
3GG
Creature – Cat Warrior (U)
Trample
Nacatl War-Pride must be blocked by exactly one creature if able.
Whenever Nacatl War-Pride attacks, put X tokens into play, tapped and attacking, that are copies of Nacatl War-Pride, where X is equal to the numbers of creatures controlled by the defending player. Remove those tokens from the game at end of turn.
3/4
Petrified Plating
2G
Enchantment – Aura (C)
Enchant Creature
Enchanted creature gets +3/+3.
Suspend 2 – [G]
Quagnoth
5G
Creature – Beast (R)
Flash
Trample
Split Second
Quagnoth can’t be the target of spells or abilities your opponent controls.
5/5
Phosphorescent Feast
2GGG
Instant (U)
Reveal any number of cards in your hand. You gain 2 life for each Green mana symbol in those cards’ mana costs.
You may discard a card rather than play Phosphorescent Feast’s mana cost.
Quiet Disrepair
1G
Elf Shaman (C)
At the beginning of your upkeep you may choose to sacrifice Quiet Disrepair – If you do, destroy an artifact or enchantment, or gain 2 life.
2/2
Ravaging Riftwurm
1GG
Creature – Wurm (U)
Kicker [4]
Vanishing 2
Trample
If the kicker cost was paid, Ravaging Riftwurm comes into play with three additional time counters on it.
6/6
Riftsweeper
1G
Creature – Elf Shaman (U)
When Riftsweeper comes into play all face-up cards that are removed from the game are really and truly removed from the game.
2/2
Sprout Swarm
1G
Instant (C)
Split Second
Convoke (Each creature you tap while playing this spell reduces its total cost by [1] or by one mana of that creature’s color)
Buyback [3] (You may pay an additional [3] as you play this spell. If you do, put this card into your hand as it resolves.)
Put a 1/1 green Saproling creature token into play.
Summoner’s Pact
0
Sorcery (R)
Summoner’s Pact is Green.
Sacrifice a Green Creature. Search your library for a Green creature card and put it into play. Then shuffle your library.
At the beginning of your next upkeep, pay 2GG. If you don’t, you lose the game.
Wrap in Vigor
1GG
Instant (C)
Return to play each creature put into a graveyard this turn.
Sporoloth Ancient
2GG
Creature – Fungus (C)
At the beginning of your upkeep put a spore counter on Sporoloth Ancient.
Creatures you control have "Remove two spore counters from this creature: Put a 1/1 green Saproling creature token into play".
4/4
The cards I haven’t touched were either fine, or I couldn’t figure out how to fix them.
Until next time.
Jamie