The Combat Phase – Comedy Gold

Wendy and I like competition reality shows. We don’t like “The Real Housewives of the Appalachian Mountains.” We don’t like “Big Brother,” or anything that shows a bunch of people embarrassing themselves for the sake of being on TV. We do like shows like “So You Think You Can Dance,” “Top Chef,” and “The Biggest Loser.” We get addicted to the personalities. People we would like to see go home, people we would like to see succeed.

One of the complaints of my last return to Magic was that people didn’t know the players. With the little reality column I’ve got going on here, it might help your enjoyment if you know who I’m talking about.

Our current cast:

Zach Rivers – Once you reach a certain age, you think that anyone within 20 years of you is the same age as you are. Unless they are under the age of twenty —one or have a lot of wrinkles, everyone is the same age group as me. I think this of Zach until I am told that he is 18. Zach is one of Justin Olson’s three house-mates. He is good man, helping out people at the shop, building decks, advising a guy who shows up with an illegal deck how to build his deck better and so it is Standard legal. He is a good player with all the good cards. He has four Jace. I believe he told me he is missing an Elspeth and a Gideon.

Travis Bingham — The Amish. Farmer by trade with a long goatee and no mustache. Wide and solid like you expect a farmer to be. One of the old crew that I used to play with in Middlebury. Usually likes to play White Weenie. Quiet. Easy to laugh.

Ben Klein – Judge and player. Endlessly patient with ten-year-old kids playing a game in a tournament and having forty permanents apiece on the board. Carefully explains to them what happens in what order. Friendly, talkative, black goatee like mine.

Paul Habday — Another of the old crew. Prefers Mono Blue Control or U/W Control, but is happy to play anything. Thin, extremely witty, and laugh out l loud funny. Usually in a long term relationship. His current girlfriend he has been with for eight months.

Justin Olson — Here is what I wrote about Justin twelve years ago – Justin is a good friend who paints his nails, wears whatever the hell he wants, and gets called “gay” a lot. Not in a “Magic slang” sort of way either. Justin is very cool. A very nice, good, sixteen-year-old kid. Justin has painted his nails white today. And, oh look, they have Black letters painted on them! How cool. Justin holds up two fists in front of my face. The letters spell out “GAME OVER.” Cool. – Justin hasn’t changed much except now he is 28. He has always been good with the ladies. His girlfriends are usually model beautiful.

Josh Trudeau – Joshie Trash Talker. Gets my decks like no one else. Excitable, funny, witty in the same way Paul is. We work on Green decks together. I come up with an idea, Joshie tries to improve it and sometimes takes the deck in a completely different direction I hadn’t thought of and it becomes a colossal failure or a revelation. He is getting married in July. I think he’s thirty.

Matt Woods — Quiet, focused, good guy, excellent player, always beats me. Dark brown hair, well manicured. Nice clothes, thin blond girlfriend, designs his own decks (usually).

Brendon Donnghey – Justin’s Roommate. Don’t know much about him yet.

Brandon Rist — I don’t know much about him either except he looks like Jesus. Kind face, brownish blond hair, full beard, mustache, ponytail. Mentions he likes my articles and has been playing the deck on Magic Workstation.

Onwards to the Magic!

Last week at Justin, Zach, and Brendon’s apartment, I needed to borrow four Master of the Wild Hunt and four Wolfbriar Elemental.

This is what I am working on.

4 Llanowar Elves
4 Master of the Wild Hunt
4 Wolfbriar Elemental
4 All Is Dust
4 Pelakka Wurm
4 Arbor Elf
4 Leatherback Baloth
4 Eldrazi Temple
4 Momentous Fall
21 Forest
3 Overrun

Sideboard
4 Tajuru Preserver
4 Pithing Needle
3 Platinum Angel
4 Naturalize

Wendy and I head to a city that won’t be named since I don’t like to slander people. I stop into a hobby shop that used to have Magic cards, and there is an old, fat guy behind the desk eating chips out of the bag as fast as he can shove them into his mouth. “Hi, do you have Magic singles?”

“Yup.”

“I’m looking for ‘Master of the Wild Hunt.'”

He gets up and starts moving stuff out of the way of where he keeps his Magic cards, and pulls out a huge box and sets it on the counter. “That’s the first one. Most of those in there are rare too.”

Oh, rares! Wow!

I pick up a handful of cards out of the box which are all in hard plastic cases. Force of Nature, Necrosavant, Swords to Plowshares., etc. Nothing sorted by color, set, type, year or anything.

He shoves more chips into his mouth.

Okay, this isn’t going to work. I’m not looking through an unsorted box of cards for the stuff I need.

Wendy asks him “Do you have Carcasonne?”

He actually reaches for and opens another bag of chips and stuffs a handful into his mouth before answering her with “What?”

“Carcasonne? It’s a tabletop strategy game.”

“I don’t have that. I have Settlers of Catan.”

I grab Wendy’s hand. “Okay, thank you. Bye.”

Not giving that guy any of my money.

We get in the car and Wendy says “Do you think he could have stopped eating long enough to help us?”

“I am going to guess… no.”

I am telling this to Travis and Paul as I drive us up to Justin’s.

Paul responds with “Hey, he doesn’t have time to sort cards; there are chips that need to be eaten!”

I stop into a nice Mobil station to get gas, and all eight pumps are taken up with cars. I let Paul and Travis out then finally get a spot. I then move the car so I’m not blocking anyone else and go inside to pay. Paul is ahead of me in line and I hand him the keys. “I moved the car over to the right. The doors are locked and I’ll be out after a bio break, grab some beer and pay for gas.”

“Okay.”

When I get done with this, the place is empty. I remark “We must have hit rush hour, now everyone is gone.”

Travis tells me “Yeah, well, there was a guy in there with his kids getting creamies holding everyone up.”

Paul responds with “Must have sold his prize hog. ‘Enjoy the profits now kids, daddy’s going to drink up the rest later.'”

We all laugh. Paul continues. “Jamie, it’s a good thing you told me you had moved the car. I got into where we were parked before, and this old lady in the front seat starts screaming. So I start yelling at her ‘You’re not Jamie! What have you done with Jamie?!’ and then I remembered we were parked elsewhere, so I got out.”

I’m laughing so hard that tears are streaming down my face. I finally collect myself.

“Travis, I hear you have a girlfriend now?”

“Well, I’m working on it.”

“What’s her name?”

” Ashley.”

Paul asks him “Oh, is that that girl you were seeing from Lincoln?”

“No, that’s another one, but this one is also from Lincoln.”

“Man, the Amish get all the girls.” I tell him.

“Well, the Lincoln girls,” Paul says.

“Hey, it’s a step up from Ripton,” I respond.

“Good point.”

From here, I explain that I have to pick up Wendy’s wedding dress on the way to Justin’s. It’s about a mile out of the way.

Paul says “I wonder how many times that’s been said before. ‘I have to pick up a wedding dress before going to Justin’s.'”

Travis replies “Every week, actually.”

I chime in with “I wonder who’s going to lose the die role tonight. God, I hope it’s not me again.”

We arrive a little later than I would like, but it’s not too bad. First thing I do is open my computer and start taking down names, making sure I’ve got everyone’s name spelled right. Then I play against Joshie, playing a deck I do not know the name of. It is all about playing the new Time Walk over and over again. If I get a good fast start, I can Overrun and win before he sets up, but if I don’t, he eventually takes control and I never get another turn.

“What do I Naturalize for best effect in Game 2?”

“Howling Mine. Definitely the Howling Mines.”

Food is provided, and I grab a burger and a sausage. I transform some beer into water and look around the bathroom. Holy crap! Someone cleaned! In a house with four men, someone cleaned! I emerge and remark on it, and Zach takes credit. Nice job.

I play Zach next, and he is with Mythic Conscription. All is Dust works pretty good against a deck that plays out so many permanents. When I get that or Overrun I can sneak out a win. When I don’t, enormous enchantments with Annihilator 2 kill me. I will be siding in Naturalize for games 2 and 3 for this match-up as well.

Next up is Paul with Turboland. Again, Overrun or All is Dust at the right time is key. He mentions that since he knows my deck has All is Dust, he has an advantage that PTQ players that won’t have. He bounces Avenger of Zendikar back to his hand after making all his tokens 2/3s because if I have All is Dust he can cast it again.

I’ve been debating between Arbor Elf and Joraga Treespeasker. Treespeaker is good as it produces two mana as opposed to one, but doesn’t allow for turn 2 Baloth. We debate this a bit, and when I lose a game because of Joraga not being an Arbor Elf, we decide to pretend she is Arbor Elf until someone suggests Noble Heirarch. OMFG, of course! Better than Llanowar, which is hard. Ben Klein comes over to watch the match. I tell him “The Joraga is a proxy for Noble Heirarch.”

Ben says “What’s the Eldrazi Temple a proxy for?”

Laughter all round.

Next to us Justin spills his beer. “Sh**, get me some paper towels.” Paul hands him an “Art of WOW” book. “Soak it up with this.” Justin pushes him away. Paul pushes the book back into his face, “Seriously, use this. It sucks more than paper towels.”

So funny, that guy.

Justin is playing Jund against Jesus, and plays Bituminous Blast on one of his creatures, cascades into Bloodbraid Elf, and cascades into Maelstrom Pulse killing two more creatures. He rolls back into the couch, roaring with laughter. “Oh, Magic is hard! Magic is so hard! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!”

I should really just play Jund. Decks that sometimes go “Oops, I won, sorry,” make me laugh when I’m playing them.

I’m pretty happy with the way my deck has performed tonight, and I’ve learned a lot. I think I’m finally ready for the PTQ. People have loaned me the cards I need except for the Noble Hierarch, and I should be able to pick those up soon enough.

It’s starting to get late though, and Paul and Travis have to be up for work in the morning. We eventually finish up and bail. We get in the car, and I say “Man, I can’t believe Zach is only 18. How old are you guys now? ”

They reply with “25,” and “27.”

“Holy crap! I always think of myself as within five to ten years of you guys, but it’s not even close.”

“Yeah, you were an adult when we were kids.”

“No, I was an adult when you were a glimmer in your daddy’s eye. But that’s okay, good genes and surgery keeps me looking your age anyway.”

The deck continues to perform adequately online. I really like it, especially with the addition of the Noble Hierarch.

This weekend there was a Maine PTQ that I want to attend, and our plan for this summer was to make it into business-and-pleasure trips. The business side would be my articles on StarCityGames.com and trying to qualify again, and the pleasure side would be whole belly clams, a nice B&B, some beach time, and maybe some lobster. We were reserving late, so everything in Kennebunkport was massively expensive, everything in Old Orchard Beach was sold out, and everything in Portland that wasn’t sold out wasn’t on the water. I eventually found us a nice B&B equidistant from the PTQ and everything we want to visit.

Wendy and I drove to Maine early afternoon and checked into the Bear and Cub Inn (not its real name). It has rooms named “River” (overlooking the river), “Cumberland” (overlooking the road), and other rooms with names like Bear Cave, Cub Cove, and Leather. We are staying in Leather. Some of the room names become apparent when we meet the Innkeeper and his partner. That story is on my blog, for those interested.

I actually got a good night’s sleep, and Wendy dropped me off ten minutes before registration opens. I bought four Noble Hierarch and wrote down my list. I didn’t even look at my deck or sideboard because I know it so well.

This is what I played:

The Burlington crew was there, and I knew they’d do well. Jesus (Brandon Rist) offered me four Noble Hierarch, and I thanked him but told him I’d already found some.

Onwards to the report!

Round 1 I play against Shawn Herr.

I open a hand of All is Dust, Pelakka Wurm, and land. I keep since I have no idea what he’s playing, and I really like land. He is with Jund and Blightnings me twice, but I have land to spare. A get a couple Elves and Wolfbriar kicked for zero, but he’s got enough elimination to keep the board clear and kill me with Bloodbraid and Ravines.

I’m glad I’m playing a nice guy like Shawn. Next to us, a guy calls the judge over because his opponent forgot to attack Gideon with everything last turn.

“My opponent declared he was passing the turn and didn’t attack Gideon.”

His opponent gets a warning, which strikes me as odd. Aren’t both players responsible for the game state? He hadn’t even drawn a card yet, so he could have easily said, “You have to attack with everything.” I would have given him a warning for unsportsmanlike conduct, explained both players are responsible for the game state, backed up, and made everything attack.

Donkey.

I side in a Nest Invader, a couple Vines of Vastwood, and three Pithing Needles.

I get an okay draw, and he gets a Bloodbraid into Bolt you, Bloodbraid into Sprouting Thrinax. I am holding an Eldrazi Temple, All is Dust, have another Eldrazi Temple on the board, a Momentous Fall and a Vines of Vastwood. I draw an Elf. Now, how can I kill his Sprouting Thrinax, draw five cards, gain five life, then cast All is Dust? I can’t. I’m one mana shy.

He Bolts the Elf, and I use kicked Vines to make the elf 5/5 and taking no damage.

He attacks with everything, I block the Thrinax, and now he has three 1/1’s and two Bloodbraid on the board. I untap, draw a Pelakka Wurm, play my other Eldrazi Temple and cast All is Dust.

He Bituminous Blasts me into something and starts to attack with the Ravines. I’m too low on life and I am light one land so I can’t cast the Pelakka, and it’s over. I tell him good game. He tells me he likes my articles, and asks if I’m playing the same version as was posted weeks ago. I explain the changes I’ve made and why, and we shake hands and turn in the results slip.

We give chairs to the guys next to us. They are playing Magic standing because so many people have shown up they don’t have enough chairs for everyone.

Next to us, the rules lawyer has called the judge over again and is arguing for a time extension.

This actually affects my next match slightly.

I go to a little café and get some eggs and write. The sign outside lists the café’s many fine qualities…

Breakfast served all day.
Fresh baked good.
Earthy Waitress.

Sound great.

Round 2 is against a nice, casual guy. He says he’s part of “Team 0-2, nap.”

I am also a nice guy, and nice guys finish last. My hubris at playing a deck continually so I don’t need to crack it open to register it has bitten me in the ass. I have forgotten to write down my four All is Dust, so I start the match with a game loss and a warning. At least I get to go first.

He is with “Jund Deck Wins,” and soon a Goblin Guide is filling my hand with land, which I love. A Bloodbraid cascades into a Ball Lighting. I stabilize at nine, and start casting Pelakka Wurms one after another. He blocks with Siege-Gang Commander, sacrifices goblin tokens, and kills one, so I play Wolfbriar kicked five times. Then I cast Overrun, which is really overkill.

So, we’re 1-1 and go to the sideboard. He realizes he has lost a Manabarbs and goes looking for it. He looks at the place he was last playing at, goes up to the judge table and asks if anyone turned one in, goes to see his friend, and gets the car keys and goes out to the car looking for another one.

All the while I’m sitting there, thinking “you know, I don’t want to be mean, and I don’t want to win like this, but really? He has a 14-card sideboard and I’m sitting here while he searches his car? I lost the first game by having an illegal deck, and I’m just going to sit here and smile while he plays me, possibly beating me, with an illegal deck?”

You have to be true to yourself. I can’t win like that.

He finally comes back and says “I can’t find another one, I’ll just have to play without it.”

He gets a good start, but again, like in the first game, he knocks me down low pretty fast. He has a lot of permanents on the board. I am holding a Pelakka Wurm and an All is Dust. If I don’t block with the Hierarch, I will go down to one, but I can cast the Wurm next turn. With my Eldrazi Temple, I can cast All is Dust and block his Bloodbraid with the Hierarch and stay at 4. I decide I want all his stuff to go away, and I want my life to stay at four.

“How many cards in hand?”

He wiggles his fingers, indicating “Nothing up my sleeve.”

I cast All is Dust and he loses two Birds, a Bloodbraid, and a Putrid Leech. He has four land on the board, I have six, one of them an Eldrazi Temple. I have another land to play so I can cast Pelakka next turn and go up to 11. So many things he could draw. Anything with cascade would probably kill me. Ball Lightning. A land.

He draws a Mountain, activates his Ravine and kills me.

I’m pretty much furious at this point. Furious I registered wrong. Furious I didn’t tell my opponent before this game started “hey, let’s make this two out of three like it’s supposed to be, since you have an illegal deck right now and I don’t want to call a judge. Is that agreeable?” Furious I have to end my report like this. Furious I didn’t play the Pelakka Wurm then cast All is Dust. Furious I didn’t do better so my supporters would have something to cheer about.

Sigh.

“Good Game.”

“You too, man. I’m going to go find my teammates and see if they want to play on.”

Double sigh.

I buy some Tectonic Edges and find out that 8 colorless lands makes it hard to cast a second or even third turn Leatherback. Is it time to move to Red?

I do some research and see a Phoenix that can come back from the grave. There is a Goblin that can destroy a land when it enters the battlefield. Huge Dragons. A Hellion that clears the board of weenies. An Explorer that gives me a 5/5 creature that survives All is Dust. I see a lot that I can work with here. So far, I have bought the cards for this, and a lot more Red cards to experiment with. Why is it no one ever plays Fat Red?

Good Luck and Have Fun.

Jamie Wakefield
King of the Fatties
www.JamieWakefield.com