Scene One
A convent in the remote snow-covered mountains of the Alps. Nuns are going about their business (fingering their wimples, getting in and out of their habits, pulling the wings off flies, harvesting bees, glaring at small children, etc). Two nuns are sitting in concerned conversation on an ornate garden swing-chair (with Bart Simpson throw-cushions, and a glass of Pimms No.1 each). One of the nuns has a wimple the size of a small aircraft hanger and stacked platform shoes – she is obviously ‘in charge’:
Abbey Matron: (to the tune of ‘Maria’, from ‘The Sound of Music’)
How do you solve a problem like Long, Michael?
How do you stop the bugger stacking decks?
No matter what we say
His shufflin’ is risque
He’s nothin’ but a big pain in our necks
So, how do you solve a problem like Long, Michael?
You ban the S.O.B until he stops!
Sister Marmite: (harmonising with the Abbey Matron)
How do you solve a problem like Long, Michael?
Do other players have a say in this?
At every premiere show
They say "He’s got to go!"
We know, we know, we know he takes the piss
So, how do you solve a problem like Long, Michael?
You ban the tricky blighter till he stops!
A line of nuns, with arms linked and legs high-kicking, trot sideways across the screen behind the seated nuns. They are screeching the following rising crescendo of a final chorus at the top of their lungs and some are being smacked about their faces with oversized Rosaries…
How do you solve a problem like Long, Michael?
You ban the dodgy geezer…
You ban the sneaky cheater…
You…ban…the…cheating…far-quar..till…he…stoooooooooppppppssss!
The nuns stop dancing, un-link arms, and start nodding their heads frantically (mouths open) in the manner of The Muppets after a successful sketch.
Cut to…
Scene Two
Sister Mike Long has been sent, by the Abbey Matron and the other Sisters Of The Roller-Skating Martyrs, to the castle of Henry Von Higgins, the famous Swiss philanthropist and voice-coach. They believe that by getting him to speak proper and learn him some etiquette, he may mend his back-stabbing, sleight-of-hand, caught-in-the-act, just-plain-cheatin’ ways and become a good Magic-playing nun again. Go figure.
Mike Long:
(to the tune of Wouldn’t It Be Lovely from My Fair Lady. As he walks up the path to the Castle, we see the rocky road is lined with crucified Roman slaves, some of whom are muttering, "I’m bloody Spartacus.")
All I want are some spells and land
Have them in my opening hand
Without me being banned
Oh wouldn’t it be lover-ly?
Lots of creatures for me to cast
Howling wolves comin’ thick and fast
Now that would be a blast
Oh wouldn’t it be lover-ly
Oh so lover-ly with a bloom there sitting in my lap
I would never fail to win … and give my oppo a slap!
Someone’s starting to shuffle my deck
I’ve got cards hidden down my neck
So I don’t give a … heck
Oh wouldn’t it be lover-ly
(a chorus of giant ants marches across the path singing)
All he wants are some spells and land
See them in his opening hand
But without his being banned
Oh wouldn’t it be lover-ly
(Sister Long joins in, riding on the back of the lead ant, swinging a lasso above his head)
Oh so lover-ly shuffling abso-bloomin-lutely well
I would never fail to draw that land, a spell and then a speeeeeeell
Someone’s starting to shuffle my deck
I’ve got cards hidden down my neck
So I don’t give a … heck
Oh wouldn’t it be
lover-ly…lover-ly…lover-ly…lover-ly
Wouldn’t it be loverly
(the ants drop Sister Long at the castle gates and scuttle away. Sister Long rings the bell; the door is opened by a small child)
Small Child: (in heavy, cliched Cherman accent) Ya? Ya? Vot iss it zat you are vonting?
Sister Long: I am Sister Michael Long from the Convent. I have been sent here to learn good English and to look after the Professor’s large family of illegitimate children.
Small Child: O.K. Common zee in, fraulein, und velcome to Berg Higgins.
Scene Three
(Small child leads him into an enormous hallway – six other children are suspended from the ceiling in locked iron cages. They begin singing)
Children:
(to the tune of ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’ from Mary Poppins)
Um-diddle mulligan um-diddle-aye
Um-diddle mulligan um-diddle-aye
Stupor-Caliph-Ragman-Rhystic-XB-Nicol Bolas!
Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious
If you say it loud enough you’ll always sound precocious
Stupor-Caliph-Ragman-Rhystic-XB-Nicol Bolas!
Um-diddle mulligan um-diddle-aye
Um-diddle mulligan um-diddle-aye
We first played Magic years ago
When Legends hit the stalls
We wished to play with combo decks
But never had the balls
But then one day we learned a word
That let us go turn two
The biggest word I ever heard
We’ll sing it now for you…
It’s…
Stupor-Caliph-Ragman-Rhystic-XB-Nicol Bolas
Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious
If you say it loud enough you’ll always sound precocious
Stupor-Caliph-Ragman-Rhystic-XB-Nicol Bolas!
(a large, rotund child sings the next verse solo, showering the marble floor with pie crumbs)
So when the cards you need aren’t there
A-sitting in your hand
Or when you’ve got too many spells
Or way too many land
Just say this word and you will see
the oppo’s pants go damp…
(tall, thin child cuts in)
I said it at the Nationals
And now I’m Euro-Champ!
Stupor-Caliph-Ragman-Rhystic-XB-Nicol Bolas
Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious
If you say it loud enough you’ll always sound precocious
Stupor-Caliph-Ragman-Rhystic-XB-Nicol Bolas!
Scene Four
The Professor’s library – he has Sister Long plugged into an electric chair with speakers stacked around his head. Horrendous vowel noises blast from the woofers and tweeters – Michael’s face is red and pained. The Professor’s close friend and ally, Colonel Buehler, is also in attendance.
Higgins: Come on, Michael – repeat after me…Stone Rain Mount-ain And Mainly Gain A Plain; In Hertford, Hereford, and Hampshire Hurricanes Hardly Ever Happen; How Kind Of You To Let Me Win, etc.
Sister Long: Stone Rain Mount-ain And Mainly Gain A Plain
Higgins: By Garfield, he’s got it!
Scene Five
Michael is too excited to sleep, and Higgins has announced that he’ll be taking him to the next Pro Tour as a test of his new-found linguistic and fair-play skills. Cut to the bedroom – servants try to get Mike ready for bed, but he is too excited by his recent successes and dances around the room. Several servants return, sporting leather ‘gimp’ masks and horse-whips…
Sister Long: (to the tune of ‘I Could’ve Danced All Night’ from My Fair Lady)
Bed, bed, I couldn’t go to bed
My head’s too light to try to set it down
Sleep! Sleep! I couldn’t sleep tonight
Not for all the jewels in the crown
I could have played all night
I could have played all night
And still have begged for more
I could have summoned things
And cast a thousand Rings
Of Gix across the floor
I’ll never know
What made it so exciting
Why all at once
My heart took flight
I only know when he
Began to draft with me
I could have played, played, played all night
Servant 1: It’s after three now
Servant 2: Don’t you agree now. He ought to be in bed
Sister Long:
I could have played all night
I could have played all night
I’ll never cheat or lie
Accept the draws I take
Accept the plays I make
Be grateful for a bye
I am resolved
That from now on I’ll play fair
And smoke a Mayfair
Or Marlboro Light
I only know when he
Began to draft with me
I could have played, played, played all night
Mrs. Pearce: I understand, dear; It’s all been grand, dear, but now it’s time to sleep
Sister Long: I could have played, played, played all night!
(Mike collapses on the bed and immediately starts snoring. Fade to black)
Scene Six
We are at a generic Pro Tour. People are gathered around the feature match involving our hero. He has just shuffled his deck and presented it to his opponent. His opponent looks at the pile, then at Michael…
Playa: Judge! Judge! Check this deck please – I believe it to be … rigged!
There are gasps from the surrounding crowd. Three judges scuttle sideways across the floor towards the feature table. They are alternately bobbing up and down in time to the music, which has just started playing….
The Three Judges: (to the tune of ‘Three Little Maids’ from The Mikado)
We three level threes from the big D.C.,
Pert as a level-three judge can be,
Filled to the brim with rules and glee,
Judging this fine P.T!
Yum-Yum Donais: Everything is a source of fun.
Peep-Bo Barclay: Nobody’s safe, for we care for none!
Pitti-Sing Horvik: Life is a joke that’s just begun!
The Three Judges:
Three level threes are we!
Three level threes who, all unwary,
Issue warnings to the rude and sweary,
Making sure that you all play fair-y
Three level threes are we!
Three level threes are we!
Yum-Yum Donais: One little judge is in charge, Yum-Yum – Peep-Bo Barclay: Two level threes in attendance come – Pitti-Sing Horvik: Three level threes is the total sum.
The Three: Three level threes are we!
Yum-Yum Donais: From three level threes take one away.
Peep-Bo Barclay: Two level threes remain, and they –
Pitti-Sing Horvik: Won’t have to judge very long, they say –
The Three Judges: Three level threes are we!
Chorus:
Three level threes are we!
All:
Three level threes, with the player’s buy-in,
Enforce the rules with a rod of iron
Look at Buehler’s-mouth with another pie in!
Three level threes are we!
Three level threes are we!
The judges check the deck in sombre silence. Hushed chatter fills the air. Then one of them raises the deck to the sky and proclaims…
Yum-Yum Donais:
(to the tune of ‘Jesus Christ Superstar’ from Jesus Christ Superstar)
This here deck
Isn’t stacked
Mike tell your ‘po-nent to take that back!
This here deck’s
Fair and square
We see no pa-ttern anywhere
This here deck’s
Ran-domised
Now play your match and be satisfied!
Cut to the final – Mike is about to win the Pro Tour without recourse to cheatery, trash-talking, or unsportsmanlike behaviour of any kind.
Sister Long: (to the tune of ‘On The Street Where You Live’ from My Fair Lady)
I have often played with this deck before,
But my ranking points were always kept in check before
All at once am I climbing e’er so high,
Knowing I’ve got a deck from the web
People scoop and moan, they don’t bother me
Coz there’s not a deck around that I would rather play
See enchantments pour, and attack for more
Knowing I’ve got a deck from the weeeeeeb
And ohhhhhhhhhhh the towering feeling
Just to knooooow that vict’ry is near
As I attune my opponent is squealing
As he is reeling I might shed a happy tear!
I just sit and stare at my opening hand
Have I got the spells I need, and have I got some land?
Just as long as you are not play-ing blue
I will win with this deck from the web!
Mike wins the Pro Tour. The crowd go wild and join in the big, final number.
All: (to the tune of ‘Climb Every Mountain’ from The Sound Of Music)
Tap every mountain
Pay every cost
Follow all the rulings
Until you are the best
The best in the world, or the best in your club
Be you pro-fesh-onal, or a lowly scrub!
Tap every mountain
Draw every card
Never playing Ponza
Unless you’re fairly hard
Etc. etc
Moral: Cheaters never "prosper" – because they already have the cards in hand!
Ciao bambinos,