Selecting 9th Edition Dilemma: Gratuitous Violence

Bleiweiss tries on a new sales pitch in his latest attempt to either get you to vote his way or drive you all criminally insane. You have to see this one to believe it!

A darkened room. The picture slowly fades in to show two teenagers playing a card game on a kitchen table. The game is Magic: The Gathering.

ANNOUNCER: Has this ever happened to you?

The first child, TIMMY, throws his card onto the table triumphantly.

TIMMY: I tap my seven Mountains and cast Shivan Hellkite. He sure is big!

Unconcerned, his opponent draws a card from his deck and taps all of his lands.

JOHNNY: I tap my Priest of Titania, Gaea’s Cradle, and second Priest of Titania, and then Fireball you for twenty.

TIMMY: Gee willikers! I can never do more than ten damage to you!

ANNOUNCER: Yes Timmy, many players of the Magic: The Gathering card game find that they have trouble dealing those last ten points of damage to their opponents.

Timmy looks up at the ceiling.


ANNOUNCER: No Timmy, I am not God, but I know someone who is!

A German man virtually drags himself through a doorway into the room. It is Kia Beddu, multiple time champion on the Magic: The Gathering Pro Circuit.

KIA: Haff I sunk zis low?

TIMMY: Oh my gosh! (Runs and grabs Kia’s leg.) It’s my hero, Kia Beddu, multiple time champion on the Magic: The Gathering Pro Circuit!

KIA: Ja, zat is me.

ANNOUNCER: We brought Kia here today to show Timmy the power of Gratuitous Violence, the newest reissue of Chaos, Inc!

Cut to the scene in a dirty game shop. Boxes of comic books and debris jut up from the floor all over the room. A SLOVENLY MAN sits at the table, across from TIMMY.

ANNOUNCER: Chaos, Inc has seen this scene time and time again. You spend a ton of money, build yourself a great deck, and then go ahead and ruin it with an inferior product from one of our competitors.

(SUBTITLE: Dramatic reenactment of true events)

TIMMY: I’ve got you down to ten! I’ll play Furnace of Rath. Jeepers! I bet I will win the game with my Lava Axe as soon as I untap!

SLOVENLY MAN: I will cast Seething Song, use it to cast another Seething Song, use that to cast another Seething Song, sacrifice my Blood Pet for a Black Mana, and cast Searing Wind doing twenty damage to you.

TIMMY: Jiminy Christmas! Can I never win?

SLOVENLY MAN: Ha ha ha! Your Furnace of Rath is no match for me, Timmy!

Fade back into the room with TIMMY, JOHNNY and KIA. KIA is busy setting up a noose on the ceiling fan of the room.

KIA: I vill see you at a better place zen zis!

TIMMY: Wait! No! I need your help, Kia! Only you and your significantly advanced spellcasting ways can help a fellow wizard such as myself.

KIA drops the rope and hugs the little boy.

KIA: Come here little boy. I vill show you ze way zat real men cast their spells!

KIA pushes the kid to the floor headfirst, and leaps into TIMMY’S seat. He shuffles up quickly, and starts a game against JOHNNY.

JOHNNY: Ha ha! My deck is full of spells that will win the game. KIA, you do not stand a chance.

KIA: I haff ze secret vepon! You vill succumb, mein freund!

KIA reaches into his pocket and pulls out four shiny foil cards. He flashes them to the camera. They are copies of GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE. Quickly he shuffles them into his deck.

KIA: Now ve vill see who has ze upper hand!

The two play quickly, and JOHNNY appears to be getting the upper hand. He plays a few quick creatures, and beats KIA down. All KIA can muster is a LIGHTNING GREAVES and some MOUNTAINS.

JOHNNY: Your secret weapon will not help you now!

KIA: (knocks on deck) Daddy needs a new pair of lederhosen!

Close up: The card is drawn, and it is GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE! KIA taps his lands and slams it down on the table.

KIA: (shouting) Take zis!

JOHNNY: Oh no! It is Gratuitous Violence! My spells are useless against this powerhouse of a card!

KIA: Zat is right, you cannot use zis card for your nefarious purposes!

(SUBTITLE: Gratuitous Violence: Now with 100% less symmetry than the leading competitor’s card)

KIA: I cast ze Leveler, put ze shoes on ze Leveler, and attack you for twenty!

JOHNNY: I cannot do enough damage to you as your spell does not affect my board position!

TIMMY: (jumping up and down, pulling his own hair) I knew my deck could win! All I needed was a little help from Gratuitous Violence! Thanks Kia!

KIA: I haff sunk your battleship!

KIA stands up from the chair triumphantly. TIMMY jumps into his arms, and the two hug.

KIA: Little boy, I haff shown you the way to vin ze game. Now it is up to you to harness the power of Gratuitous Violence!

JOHNNY: Jeepers! I will never forget your wrought iron German ingenuity, Kia! You have saved my deck!

KIA: Ja! Now go in peace little von and remember zat ze card you always want is Gratuitous Violence.

KIA puts TIMMY down and goes to exit the room.

KIA: Remember, Sie setzten Ihr weinerschitzel in mein Sauerkrauten. The choice for you is Gratuitous Violence! It has given me a reason to live!

KIA exits.

TIMMY: I will never forget this day, and I will never forget Gratuitous Violence!

ANNOUNCER: Order your Gratuitous Violence today for only One dollar and Twenty Five cents plus shipping! Supplies are limited, and the demand for this amazingly stupendous card is only sure to go up!

JOHNNY: I wish I could play with Gratuitous Violence!

TIMMY: (pats Johnny on back) Jeepers Johnny! I’m sure that Mrs. Johnny will lend you the money to buy some from the nice disembodied voice!

Ben can be reached at [email protected].