Instead of giving you not very clever blurbs about the honorable mention guys and girls, I figured I’d just list them and find a different, and yet creative, way to get to the magical 800.
Stampeding Wildebeests, but not Stampeding Serow just ‘cause
Braids, Cabal Minion
Voice of All
Ghost Council of Orzhova
Phelddagrif/Questing or otherwise
It’s probably much more fun for you, as the astute reader, to contemplate just what the hell I was thinking when I nominated some of the above cards, without the benefit of me going through the trouble of demonstrating for the entire world just how clueless I am explaining some of my choices.
Without further ado, the top ten four-mana creatures of all time. Maybe.
Yeah, like he doesn’t make the list. I thought about making him number one, and I probably should anyway just to piss you off. I once built a dredge-based deck that used this guy, and it ended up being pretty good. True story.
9. Mystic Enforcer
This guy is immune to Terror! I played Battle of Wits at States and registered two copies of Terror in my deck when it wasn’t legal. Then I wrote a report about it. And I still bring it up from time to time. Because I am a savage cheater. True story.
8. Tradewind Rider
A couple years back, I mailed Nathan Peter Heiss the Foily Five so he and the boys could take it to GPs and PTs and whatnot and play themselves silly. Months later, Nate mailed it back (and many more cards than I sent) with a letter explaining that the foil Tradewind Friggin’ Rider, cleverly altered by a guy who had something to do with Dissension, was so rare that Nate had never even seen one – and that boy has seen lots of cards in his day. True story.
7. Serendib Djinn
Andy J (former Mindripper columnist and former CMUer Andrew Johnson to you freakin’ n00bz who don’t know every member of R&D personally!) put this in his Five Color deck. Shortly thereafter, everyone I know stopped playing Five and the Foily Five came into being. True Story.
6. Academy Rector
If you can look at this card and not think of the esteemed Dr. Ped Bun and Sexy Rector, then UR a n00b and I pwn U! I think I might have sent or received or thought about sending or receiving an email to or from Ped like six years ago. True story.
5. Avalanche Riders
The insanity of this card was fully realized when Aaron Neil Forsythe built Angry Hermit, and the deck blew away unsuspecting competitors who thought echo haste land destruction attacking for two was just some wacky block mechanic. True story.
Three days after the prerelease of whatever set FTK was in, Aaron the relentless Forsythe played our 4/2 bundle of joy on one of my hapless dudes. He looked at me with a devilish grin as his eyes slowly scanned the room to verify that no one could hear what he was about to whisper…
"This guy is nuts."
I considered for a moment, then shrugged it off. And immediately played Repulse on FTK.
To be fair to myself, I don’t think I really played Repulse on FTK, but, like many old fogies, I can convince myself (and you, though you hardly need much convincing) that I did because it makes for a better anecdote.
3. Juzam Djinn
I had a Juzam once. I took a Sharpie to it, signed my name and wrote “Fatty!” in big block letters. Dan Rowlands paid over a hundred bucks for it. True story.
At the Invasion Prerelease, I had two copies of Armadillo Cloak in my sealed pool. I didn’t use either one… and I played G/W/b. I thought Cloak was good, but at that time I was even more random than I am today, and figured the lifegain aspect of the card would label me supern00b. True story.
I felt like I should come clean in an effort to both cleanse myself and let the newer players know that, despite what the “good” players say, life gain rocks! Venerable Monk 4L!
I guess if Squee had never seen print, he wouldn’t be number one. But he freakin’ was, and if you don’t remember the days when every deck played ‘Core, hearken back to the glory of Affinity, except that we actually had to pay for our artifacts. And we liked it! I apologize for not having a “true story” about Masticore.
And there you have it.
Damn, that’s way over 800 words.
I demand just retribution.
I got a right to feel persecuted
Tomorrow: the five-mana guys, and if you’re the type to live on the edge, perhaps you might want to take a wild and crazy stab in the dark as to what card might be number one. No, not Atogatog, but it’s close.
John Friggin’ Rizzo
Giving 926 words before nine A.M. than most people give all day.
Me: Blazing Specter is nuts.
AF: He’s too good for you.
It still hurts to this day, well it did until Dissension and the release of Hellhole Rats. This guy is not too good for me, and thx Aaron for remembering how you crushed my lil’ fanboy heart with your cold and callous remark, uttered so blandly, as if destroying the dreams of the small and unimportant people was just something you did for the sheer sport of it. You may hurt my wittle feelings and make lil’ Johnny cry, but this guy more than makes up for it.
Best Four Drops In Magic History (Pretty Much)