Minamo Hospital Syvelunite Drive Tolaria United Kingdom
1st April 2005
Dear Mr Knutson,
I am writing to you to inform you that one of your employees, Mr. Daniel Paskins, has recently been placed in my care, and therefore will not be able to write his regular articles for your website in the near future.
Following an unfortunate and rather unseemly incident yesterday, Mr. Paskins was brought by the security staff to my hospital, where I undertook an assessment interview with him. I have concluded that Mr Paskins is a deeply troubled individual, with severe delusional tendencies and a possible danger to others who he refers to as “Elves”.
Mr. Paskins informed me that he believes that he is what he calls a “Red Mage”, and that he can summon Goblins and Lightning Bolts. When I attempted to explain to him that Goblins don’t exist, he became very distressed and emotional, shouting “That’s what they said during Odyssey Block”. He confessed to having been engaged in a conspiracy to cause damage to the Hasbro corporation, boasting about the role that his associates played in infiltrating the “Wizards of the Coast” company and altering the products.
I questioned him further about his hatred of “Elves”, and he proudly announced that he had invented a “game” called “All Elves Must Die”, which was played by people all over the world. He then started to cackle manically for several minutes. I asked him if he could describe these “Elves”, and all he said was “they have pointy ears and then they die”. I have concluded from this that Mr Paskins is a potential danger to others, and that he rationalises this behaviour as being directed against “Elves”.
When I asked Mr. Paskins what job he was employed in, he explained that he wrote articles on the internet about Goblins. I cannot believe that this can have been a very remunerative line of employment, and I therefore suspect that this was a cover for illicit criminal behaviour.
Mr. Paskins was apprehended with a box of matches in one hand, and a collection of cards in the other. Upon inspection, these cards had words such as “Chill”, “Circle of Protection: Red” and “Conversion” in the top right hand corner. I asked him why he had these cards, and he shouted, “I am not afraid of Chill. I don’t have the Fear.” I agreed that nobody could expect him to be scared of small pieces of cardboard, and he responded, “No, I wasn’t afraid of them, that’s why I was going to burn them,” a remark which confirmed my hypothesis that Mr. Paskins suffers from an overactive and overexcitable imagination.
I think that Mr. Paskins could be helped, and my diagnosis is intended to help him to overcome his many problems. I am writing to you because I hope that you and your readers might be able to help him. I understand that Mr. Paskins places a great deal of faith in what he reads on your website. I would ask therefore, that you and your readers help him confront his prejudices and come to accept the truth. I would therefore be grateful if you could commission some articles or e-mails to be sent to Mr Paskins. Having read some of your articles, ideally these would be written by Zvi Mowshowitz or Doctor Mox, but if necessary even an article by Mike Flores would be better than nothing. These should be on the following subjects:
“Why Elves are really, really nice”
Why it is o.k. to be afraid of Circle of Protection: Red”
“Why Blue is simply the best colour”.
I thank you in advance for all your help. Once he has come to challenge his delusions and get a better grip on reality, I sincerely believe that Dan Paskins can be released from captiv-, er, can complete his course of treatment here and be reintegrated into the wider society.
With best wishes,
Centre for Treatment of Red Mages
— Dr. Meloku