Welcome to the weekend, my Wizardly warrior wastrels! It is time once more to delve into my copious hole and drag forth a nugget of wisdom. But before I do, I must impart some sad news.
My friends, my dear dear friends… this will be my last article for quite some time.
Now, I understand the emotions you are going through. Some of you will be openly weeping, some will be swelling with impotent rage… some of you may even be contemplating suicide, or at the very least contemplating the purchase of an Avril Lavigne CD which basically amounts to the same thing. But please understand that I have no other choice. Jetta and I have the opportunity of a lifetime, and it’d be immensely foolish of us to turn it down.
Other than Magic, and healing the lame, and of course my Swiss ladyfriend Jetta, I have but one true love: the thrill of the toboggan. Both Jetta and myself love nothing more than caroming down an iced tunnel, clad only in gaudy latex body-suits, riding what can only be described as a tinfoil shoe. Our penchant for the sport is widely known in our local village, and news must’ve spread to the powers-that-be.
Yesterday, Jetta received a phone-call. We have been selected to represent our country in the upcoming Toboggan World Championships!
Naturally, we’ve accepted the honor. Unfortunately for my readers, it means that we depart for Austria this very evening for a month of intensive toboggan training. We so wanted to train in our home country, but Austria is the leading authority in Toboggan Research, and they have developed a revolutionary pummelling machine, treatment in which should hopefully render us more aerodynamic by battering the kinks from Jetta’s wayward spine.
For my final article, I’ll be tackling this particular poser.
Hey Doc
You think you’re so smart, with your silly jokes and stupid ideas about Magic. You look like an old fogey in your picture, dude. And that Jetta sounds like a right minger.
If you’re so clever, do something REALLY cool. Look into the friggin’ future, or something. Tell us what Magic will be like a few years down the line. I bet you a dollar to a duck’s ass that you can’t do it.
Prove me wrong, Mox. I dare ya.
Marty, CAL.
Thank you, Marty, for taking a few minutes from your hectic schedule to pen this illuminating letter. It’s refreshing to see someone with forthright opinions, even if they are stultifyingly ill-informed. Your handwriting is also particularly neat, considering that scribing by wax crayon is notoriously hard to master. The “Care in the Community” program is a wonderful thing.
You want Doctor Mox to look through time? You want Doctor Mox to predict the future of our beloved game?
You got it, Sparky. I got some predictions for you right here.
Doctor Mox Future Sight
Prediction One: To bring down the terrible Affinibeast, the bannings will be quick and far-reaching.
After the last round of bannings, when nothing of consequence was achieved, the meeting in Wizards head office must’ve been splendid.
Randy: What the hell are we going to do? Affinity is still rampant!
Mark: Relax, my young padawan… we still have options.
Randy: Options?! Like what? Changing the game name to “Magic: the Ravaging?!”
Mark: Nothing so drastic. We simply destroy the world! Mwahahaha!!!! Apprentice One, deploy the Doom Laser!!!
A guy called Aaron has recently promised some changes in the near future. I foresee the banning of Arcbound Ravager, Disciple of the Vault and the artifact lands. But Wizards won’t stop there, dear me no… in order to truly ensure that Affinity doesn’t darken the game again, we shall also see the banning of Frogmite, Thoughtcast, Broodstar, Chrome Mox, Barbed Sextant, card sleeves, Diet Coke, Spin-Down Life Counters, goatee beards, denim jackets, spectacles and shoes. And every card in the game will be errata-ed to read “blah blah blah, then remove all artifacts from the game, tear them up, burn the bits and sprinkle the ashes into the sea.”
Prediction Two: In the future, the Magic Champions will be younger than you.
This year, the World Championship was won by the fifteen-year old Dutch boy Julien Nuijten. He fended off a stiff challenge from all sides, with well-known and famous players falling foul of his mad skillz.
Indeed, wherever I look these days, I see people younger than myself excelling in a number of diverse fields. Jetta claims I only notice this because I am getting older. I reminder her that she is getting older faster than I due to her accelerated aging disease, but she pays no heed.
In the future, I see the youthful trend continuing. This year’s Magic World Champion will be ten years old. Next year, he’ll be six. The year after, he’ll be two. Eventually, we’ll see the Magic World Champion be little more than a three-week fetus, or a small vial of sperm, or maybe even just the twinkle in the eye of an aging lothario.
Prediction Three: Following the success of Kamigawa Block, Wizards go wild for theme blocks.
With the recent development of the Japanese-themed Kamigawa block, Wizards have hit a rich vein of possibility. All kids love the Far East, after all.
In the future, I see a number of themed blocks springing up. Here are some examples:
Cosa Nostra, the Italian block, which sees the invention of the Lasagne mechanic and Creature Type – Mafioso.
Baghdad Barnstormers, the Iraqi block, which includes a cycle of equipment that cannot be found, and the Legendary Creature- Hussainiac.
Chairman Ka-Pow, the Chinese block, a set made up of over one billion cards, all of them Red.
Sales of Magic cards will go through the roof, especially during the Chinese block, the size of which makes it statistically impossible to pull four of the chase rare “Ancient Firework of Western Devastation.”
Prediction Four: The decline of American Magic will continue.
Of late, there has been a noticeable drop-off in the success of American Magic players. Once the game’s undoubted powerhouse nation, the rise in popularity of Magic in Japan and Europe coupled with the virtual retirement of poster-boys such as Jon Finkel has seen Americans return from tournaments with grim smiles and their spleen in a bag.
In the future, there shall be little improvement. The granite grip of Poker will continue to squeeze the life from American Magic, leading to the American National Team becoming weaker and weaker. The year 2008 will see the American Team made up of an 85-year old punch-drunk mind-addled ex-boxer, a shambling man recovering from a self-inflicted frontal lobotomy, and a half-eaten bag of Skittles.
George W. Bush will be the reserve.
Prediction Five: Jetta and I will win the Toboggan World Championships 2005.
Finally, a prediction we can all agree on.
…
I’m afraid we’ve now reached the end of the line. Remember to tip your waitress, and be sure to drive safely on your journey home.
As for me, it’s time to concentrate on new challenges. Ones that shall stretch my boundaries and push my limits. Challenges that involve crisp snow.
Tonight, Jetta and I visit a local milliners to be fitted for our toboggan helmets. I see no problems for my own helmet, but Jetta may need special attention due to the fact that her ears gently seep without constant access to a stiff breeze.
If you catch the Toboggan World Championships, be sure to cheer us on. We’ll be the couple bringing up the rear.
As a parting shot, I present to you the most entertaining email I have received for some time. It arrived yesterday as I readied myself for my morning ablutions. After reading it, both Jetta and myself laughed long and hard. Actually, I did most of the laughing: Jetta gave out a strangled gargle, as she is a slave to phlegm so early in the morning.
Dear Doctor Mox,
You are weird.
Greg Hastain.
Thank you, young sir. I appreciate the complement. Quite frankly, I’d hate to be anything less.
Until next time, keep playing Magic. It’s the best game in the world, after all.
NB: If you have a question for Doctor Mox, he can be contacted at [email protected].
Go Team Moxmobile!