7:00am: Wake up from dream where I’m the General Manager in charge of Sewerage Operations in New Orleans.
7:02am: Realization hits that I’m actually General Manager in charge of Magic Cards in Roanoke. Openly weep. Grab cat from foot of bed to use to wipe away my tears.
7:05am: Get out of bed and head to the bathroom. Psyche myself up to head to gym.
7:55am: Finish reading book on toilet, realize there’s no time to work out now – perhaps after work?
8:02am: Begin cooking breakfast. Set kitchen aflame. Mutter aloud about difficulty of cooking cereal and milk.
8:37am: Pizza arrives from Pizza Hut. Tip driver a Bird of Paradise. Get a bird back in return from the ungrateful delivery boy.
8:42am: Begin shower.
8:47am: Stop shower. Grab plunger and unclog pizza crust from drain.
8:52am: Resume shower. Begin shaving head.
9:05am: Hot water runs out mid-shave. Yell curses at having such a large scalp. Jump out of shower and grab other cat to use as towel. Put on hat.
9:40am: Shoes, keys and wallet missing.
9:42am: Find charred shoes in refrigerator, next to the milk. Dress in bunny slippers instead.
9:48am: Wrest keys from cats.
9:51am: Finish bandaging deep scratches along both of my arms. Prepare speech for coworkers that I am not suicidal, I just have frisky felines.
9:55am: Find wallet in back pocket of pants. Always the last place you look…
10:05am: Show up at work five minutes late. Say hello to everyone. Receive icy reception due to repeated five-minute-lateness. Take off hat to reveal haphazardly shaved head to lighten the spirit.
10:07am: Begin answering e-mails. Assure customers that I do not need male enhancements, bigger boobs, and that I have no desire to help the president of Nambia reclaim his lost fortune.
10:32am: Finishing deleting spam. Contemplate taking job as sewage worker to wade through less crap on the job each day.
10:40am: Answer all e-mails from actual, real customers. Make arrangements to buy several collections. Politely decline to buy a collection of 800 Basal Thrulls.
11:02am: Receive packages from UPS delivery man. Enjoy my one face-to-face conversation of the day that involves anything non-Magic related.
11:11am: Head upstairs to buy bottled water. Set it down on the Broodstar coasters we had made up after Arcbound Ravager was printed.
11:30am: Grab a stack of Darksteel cards. Grade them.
11:41am: Write letter of recommendation to Wizards of the Coast to have Heartseeker repeat fourth grade.
11:59am: AIM Ted Knutson to let him know that I’ll have the article I owe him by midnight, no matter what.
12:00pm: Ask Ted to repeat himself re: my deadline, this time without the curse filter on.
12:01pm: Marvel that Ted has managed to convince that many four letter words to gather in one sentence in reference to my deadline.
12:02pm: Saunter over to Pete Hoefling to exchange pleasantries. The conversation begins and ends with “What the did you do to your head this time?” followed by looks of pity and disbelief.
12:04pm: Return to Pete’s desk wearing hat. Inquire about whether I’ll need to work the PTQ this weekend. Pete informs me that there is no PTQ this weekend.
12:05pm: Flip my desk calendar from April to May.
12:06pm: Ask Pete whether I’ll be working the PTQ next weekend. Get assurances that the trunk will be cleaned out in time for me to ride to Richmond. Barter for a flashlight this time.
12:15pm: Coworkers begin discussing lunch plans. Eight people want eight different restaurants. Check wallet for cash. Realize that object in pants earlier was not wallet but in fact lump of coal from Christmas bonus. Decide to go back to work.
12:48pm: Stop working to attend the all-you-can-eat buffet at the trash can.
1:22pm: Remove all decimal points from prices on Betrayers of Kamigawa commons. Take private wager on how long it will take to sell a $25 Frostling.
1:23pm: Get reprimanded by Pete for mispricing Frostlings. Abandon dreams of retiring off Frostling sales.
1:34pm: Get called upstairs to look at a collection. Politely decline to buy stack of 800 Basal Thrulls.
1:52pm: Log in as Peppermint von Cauderoy and post witty messages on the StarCityGames.com boards.
2:10pm: Log in as moderator and discipline Peppermint von Cauderoy.
2:15pm: Pants being vibrating, letting me know I have a cell phone call. Realize I don’t own a cell phone. Ask Pete for ten minutes to drop my cat back off at home.
2:25pm: Return to work. Get docked half my pay for the day.
2:28pm: Give up on figuring out if a sawed-in-half penny is still legal tender.
2:45pm: Receive full 9th Edition spoiler from anonymous source.
2:50pm: Finish buying every Feroz’s Ban and Squire off E-bay.
3:12pm: Begin filing Homelands cards.
3:15pm: Ask fellow employee to empty the trash.
3:18pm: Continue filing Homelands cards.
3:25pm: Receive order for 80 sets of Fallen Empires. Realize we are sold out of Basal Thrull.
3:32pm: Open Wyvern packs until we have enough Basal Thrulls to finish previous order.
3:40pm: Receive e-mail for collection in West Virginia that needs to be picked up on weekend. Fantasize about what a day off from work might feel like.
3:47pm: Finish fantasizing. Realize my pants have been on fire for at least three minutes.
3:48pm: Stop.
3:49pm: Drop.
3:50pm: Pants burn down to my boxers.
3:51pm: Co-workers furiously throw water on me.
3:52pm: Remember to roll a couple of minutes too late.
3:53pm: Sprinklers come on, ruining all of Urza’s Destiny. Cost of cards added to my indentured servitude. Contemplate my freedom in 2028.
4:10pm: Receive more angry messages from Ted asking about my article. Assure him it will be on time. Wince in pain as nose grows long enough to wedge into keyboard.
4:35pm: Begin looking busy.
5:50pm: Congratulate self on new record time of 75 minutes looking busy.
5:59pm: Hop in car to head home. Shoo angry herd of Kird Apes away from front parking lot. Dodge monkey feces.
6:05pm: Get home to appreciative cats. Fill food bowls, water bowls, scoop kitty litter.
6:06pm: Cats have gone from appreciative to indifferent.
6:08pm: Receive call from Pete asking if I had responded to e-mail from German customer looking to buy set of Arabian Nights.
6:13pm: Arrive back at work.
6:18pm: Dragged into forest on way out of work and pummeled by apes. Learn that monkeys are more powerful in woods, less powerful on asphalt.
6:24pm: Arrive home from work. Again.
6:35pm: Nurse wounds, take nap.
7:30pm: Yankees baseball!
10:30pm: Receive gloating e-mail from Mike Guptil regarding latest Yankees loss and Red Sox win.
10:32pm: Receive gloating e-mail from Toby Wachter regarding latest Yankees loss and Mets win.
10:33pm: Receive e-mail from Ted Knutson regarding latest Yankees loss and threatening to go Steinbrenner on my ass if I don’t finish article within next hour.
10:34pm: Begin writing article.
11:52pm: Realize that article will never be finished by midnight. Have site’s advanced spoiler generator make list of 180 random White cards in Extended. Throw blurb before and after list and send article to Ted.
12:05am: Settle down to bed.
12:12am: Awaken to the sensation of warm cat behind smothering my entire face. Refill food bowl.
12:15am: Wide awake. Fail for five hundredth night in row to teach cats how to properly play Magic. Throw cards in disgust as cats continue to cast Mindslaver after Mana Drain instead of casting Intuition and Accumulated Knowledge.
1:12am: Head back to bed. Tommorrow is another day! Hope for dreams of Sarah Silverman or Janeane Garofalo. Last thoughts before unconsciousness are of those two familiar Italian plumbers I see in my dreams each night instead.
No Ben Bleiweisses were hurt in the writing of this article.