Thursday night testing and still not sure what to play. Until Joshie mentions that I’ll be playing Black because we have all the cards for it. Joshie tells me this in the morning and then he and Morgan head to Maine for a 4-Day weekend vacation. Have I mentioned that Morgan is way too good looking for Joshie? Have I mentioned that Morgan is a man?
Okay, Morgan isn’t a man. But she’s still hot and Joshie does nothing for me.
Mare and I have a 4-day weekend as well. The summer is about to get crazy and I decide that we need a few days to just relax before school gets insane. And, I have a PTQ in Montreal on Saturday, so a few extra days of testing can’t hurt.
The Good – 4 Days of Magic! Got some good material from Montreal.
The Bad – I went 3-3 at the PTQ!
The Ugly – I spent 36 dollars on online Magic this weekend. About 35 dollars in gas. 30 Dollar entry fee to the PTQ. 20 Bucks in food. 6 Hours in the car, and to show for it?
Nada. Zippo. Zero packs for me! Not once did I make Top 8 even Online and even the one eight-man tournament I entered had me out in the first round so no packs there either. I basically spent a hundred plus dollars so I could get incredibly frustrated and pissed off. After losing to a deck I should beat, and two glasses of wine, I decide its time to catch up on sleep. I’d much rather be writing this report, but Sunday I am exhausted and pissed. I go upstairs to take a nap. And I’m so tense and angry while lying in bed staring at the ceiling I sit up, grab an extra pillow from the other side of the bed and punch the shit out of it. The dogs downstairs go insane. Mare comes upstairs.
“What was that?”
“I punched a pillow.”
“Punching a pillow doesn’t make that much noise.”
“I’m super strong.”
She raises an eyebrow.
“Look, no holes in the wall, nothing broken, it was just a pillow.”
She goes back downstairs.
I fall asleep; gnashing my teeth for three hours and wake up with a jaw ache.
Let’s back up a bit and get to the good parts.
Paul, Alan and Travis Bingham show up for Thursday night testing and we get beers and pizza like always. Travis is still testing White Weenie even though I find he won’t be able to go to any Saturday PTQ’s until December because of his job. Luckily Montreal has a Sunday PTQ in August.
Alan is tuning his Red control deck, and I don’t like a few of his card choices, but what do I know?
Paul has taken the winning deck from the Grand Prix and is trying that out. He gets utterly smashed by everything we throw at him and decides not to play it on Saturday in Montreal. He starts putting Alan’s deck together, which he is also falling in love with. He also has a White Weenie deck he likes, but that also doesn’t win him any games. It is just one of those nights for him.
I enter an online tournament at 9:00 and go 0-2 drop with Joshie Green.
Saturday morning comes and I am up by 4:00 am, out of bed at 4:30. The alarm is set for 5:00 but after tossing and turning for 30 minutes, I just get up. I go downstairs, make coffee (i.e. press the “brew” button) and lose at Magic Online for 30 minutes before jumping in the shower.
Today, I am wearing a Heroes Kingdom shirt to support Hilary and Michelle’s Store and give them free advertising. I pick up Paul who lives five minutes away and we head to Burlington to pick up Alan, an hour away. Alan comes out of his apartment wearing a slick Superman/Batman shirt with a picture of both of them on the front. I tell him “NICE!” And he said he knew I would like that.
Holy crap is this going nowhere.
We get to the Canadian border and they ask us about 20 questions, like “Where are you from?” “Where are you going?” “How long will you be staying?” “Are you planning on killing any hookers while in Canada?” “Do you cheat at kitten poker?” And the last one being “Have you ever been arrested?”
Paul – “No”
Jamie – “No”
Alan – “Yes.”
Which elicits a response of “Pull over to the left, step out of you car with your I.D. ready.” So, we do. And we stand there for ten minutes and no one comes out to see us. “You think we’re supposed to go inside?” No one knows might as well go ask. And, yup, we’re supposed to go inside.
They look at our I.Ds again and tell Paul and I to sit down and Alan to come over to a desk to sign some papers. As it turns out, Alan was arrested for killing Hobos. Since no one cares about Hobos, they gave him 30 days probation and sent him on his way. When the Canadian authorities find this out, they just wanted to mention to Alan that Montreal is infested with Hobos.
In reality, not the twisted mixed up fantasy world I live in; Alan was arrested for something inconsequential when he was 18. It would take too long to explain it here and no one will care.
Well, that took up about 20 minutes of our time. And that’s bad because now we’re going to arrive just in time, if we don’t get lost. And we do get lost. But only for about an extra ten minutes. We show up at 9:55 as they are announcing that registration is closing. We hastily pay the man 30 bucks a piece and get a very nice free shirt and a deck registration form.
Mauro runs a tight ship. The tournament always starts when he says it’s going to start, and if you show up late, you’re going to play the people you rode with because they won’t repair the round. I am filling out my deck list at 10:00 when the pairings go up, and finish it as they are collecting deck lists as the first round starts.
I’m playing the Black deck I posted about last week. Fear Rats, Okiba-Gang, Marauding Ogre, Hand of Cruelty, a couple Ink-Eyes, a couple Kokusho, a couple Patron of the Rats. Supplement that with Kiku’s Shadow, Hero’s Demise, Jitte, and Sickening Shoal.
I start off round one against Robert Anderson. Playing Ogres and Demons.
In Game one, I draw some nice removal, and his Raving Oni-Slaves punish him. Then I draw a Jitte and that helps too.
(My notes are almost unreadable; forgive me Robert if I report this incorrectly.)
In Game 2 he plays a Pithing Needle naming Jitte, and plays an Ink-Eyes turn 5, but I have a Hero’s Demise for the rat. In the next few turns he plays out a Razorjaw Oni, Mark of Onis one of my Marauding Ogres, and then plays and equips a Manriki-Gusari making his Demon a 5/7. In the same three turns, I try to figure out how best to use my hand, which is Shoal, Kiku’s Shadow, an Ink-Eyes, and Kokusho. I end up playing the Kokusho, and getting rid of his Demon so I get my Ogre back as the Mark of the Oni goes away.
He plays an O’Naginata with me at one. I have to sacrifice my Tomb of Urami in order to have enough on the backside to prevent that one damage and end up blocking. I also have to sacrifice my Ogre in order to be able to block at all. So now I have no land, a 5/5 flying demon, and Kokusho, blocking his Ogre Marauder equipped with an O’Naginata and a Manriki Gusari.
He chooses to kill the 5/5 Demon token and Kokusho is kept alive.
He has no creatures on the board, no cards in hand, and I have no land on the board, no cards in hand, and Kokusho on the board. And I’m at 1 life.
He rips Ogre Marauder off the top and kills me.
(I’m going to assume that’s what happened, as my notes say “Tops a creature and kills me. And since I could block with Kokusho, it must have been a Marauder.)
In game 3, well, my lack of sideboard knowledge shows by keeping in my Fear Rats. Did you know that Black creatures scoff at rats? They’re not afraid of them at all.
I draw three Nezumi Cutthroat and a Kiku’s Shadow and he smashes right over me with Yukora and a Marauder.
0-1!
Alan and Paul are paired up in the first round. Oh yeah, did I mention Paul is playing a close approximation of Alan’s deck? For the first time? Yeah, he loses in two short ones.
Let’s get into where we’re playing. Today’s tournament is at Carta Magica, a game store in Montreal. The front is all shop, with puzzles, Magic Cards and board games. The back half of the store is a large area filled with Tables. Today we have 60+ people here and it doesn’t even take up all the tables. Mauro is one of the owners, and is the head judge today. A thin, well groomed guy who’s been into Magic forever. I believe he’s been to the Pro Tour a few times before he started his business and judging. (according to the DCI, there is a Mauro Bongiovanni in Canada with 19 Pro Points.) The walls are hung with Magic tapestries of promo art of all the various sets. It is clean and well kept with a soda machine in the back and a restroom in the front. The community there must be fantastic. People out of contention start up a draft. Others pull out huge green felt platforms that go over the tables and start up numerous games of Battletech. Unlike other PTQs, people don’t dissipate as the day drags on, they congregate.
Round two is Matt Russell with Celestial Kirin White Weenie.
I’d guess Matt is 17. Smiles a lot. Talkative and pleasant and we have very nice, good games. Good sport.
Game 1, I win. I think I get a Jitte and he doesn’t.
Game 2 he reduces me very low, but I get a Jitte and survive and wipe his board while at 2 life. Then he tops land while I top an army of guys, turn them sideways, and reduce him to 3 and then he gets rid of my Jitte.
And then I screw up.
He’s at three, and I am remembering a time online, when I only needed to do 3 damage to kill someone and did 10 to them instead. And the guy was a wiseass and said “Thanks for the overkill, you just lost” and I don’t remember how, but he killed me. And all I needed to do was just attack for enough to kill him and I would have won. And that has echoed in my mind ever since.
My opponent’s hand is empty on his last turn. He has no guys on the board. He draws his card and acts disappointed and says “go.”
So, I attack with a rat and a Hand of Cruelty to reduce him to -1.
And he Shining Shoal’s the damage of the rat to me, leaving him at one, and me dead.
Huh.
I am the bad.
If I had attacked with everything at least we would have a draw.
(In order to not confuse the reader, I have left a few steps out until now. Like the fact that for some reason, I thought he was at 2, and using the Shining Shoal put us at a draw. And I say to him “So that’s a draw, right? And he says “yes.” We shuffle up and he looks at me to play first and I’m wondering what he’s waiting for. He tells me to go, and I’m like “Oh! You’re waiting for me to play? Who plays first in a draw?” And his face goes white and he says “That wasn’t a draw, I won.” And it clicks in my head. “Oh yeah, I was at 2, he was at 3.” And I ask him “Why did you say it was a draw?” and he explains that he thought I asked if he had just drawn it, meaning the Shining Shoal. And I explain to him and I thought you were at 2 making it a draw, but you weren’t. I was at 2, you were at 3.)
See, confusing.
I mulligan to 5, play a land and say “go.”
I top a Hand of Cruelty and am holding a Jitte. I play the Knight. He plays a Jitte. I play a Jitte destroying his Jitte. He plays another one.
And it goes all the way.
Very quickly.
0-2! This is just like Magic Online this week!
Alan has won and is 2-0. Paul has won and is 1-1.
I think its time for fresh air and sustenance. I head out the door and down the street to McDonalds. As I’m heading down there, a guy is standing on the sidewalk holding a calendar. A Jesus calendar. There is a picture of Jesus on top, and all the days down below. I’d guess he was 75 to 80 years old. Well dressed in the style of his generation. Not tux and a top hat, but well dressed. As I approach him, I reach for my wallet, assuming he’s some kind of religious guy looking for money for something. But as I get closer, I notice he’s just showing the picture of Jesus to people as they walk by. I walk by and he holds out the calendar to me. Not aggressive. Not asking for anything. Just showing me the picture of Jesus like he shows everyone.
Um, okay.
And I walk by.
McDonalds has a slew of good-looking women in it. Not just at the tables, but working behind the counter. Maybe I’m just a country bumpkin surprised at all the women made up, but I don’t think so. The place is just packed with hotties. [Apparently that is what Montreal is famous for, ridiculously hot women abound. – Knut, who only knows this because BDM has informed him that Montreal is a strange Mecca of feminine hotness]
Let’s see, what I can have today. I recognize the pictures, but the words don’t mean a thing to me.
Quart de Livre Avec Fromage. Hmm, don’t think I need a quart of liver and cheese.
MacPoullet. I’m guessing that’s chicken.
Filet de Poisson – Tough country. Eating poison on a bun.
McXtra – too many veggies.
Cheeseburger Double Avec Bacon – There we go.
What’s better than a big hunk of cow covered with a big hunk of pig? Nothing, that’s what.
Ada says “Bonjour!” And I say “Hiya! Can I get a number 5 please?”
“And what would you like to drink?”
“Small Coffee please.”
“Okay. Your order will be up shortly.”
A grandmotherly woman is waiting next to me. About 4’11. She looks up at me and starts talking in French and I don’t understand a word of it. I shrug and tell her I don’t speak French. She smiles and turns away. To my left is a portly older woman trying to order, but no one there speaks whatever language she is speaking. They eventually start jumping up to point to pictures until she nods and gets a salad.
It seems all the seats are taken when I get my meal. I spin in confusion until I see 4 slender legs going up a flight of stairs. Hey cool an upstairs. With windows. And two smoking hot tiny Asian girls that I can’t figure out if they are thirteen or thirty. They are dressed to the nines and both are stunning to look at. I do my best not to stare and look out the windows at the city. Montreal is a beautiful city and very relaxing to look out over as I eat.
As I’m stuffing a fry into my mouth, I hear a zombie behind me.
“Ughhhhh. Ughhhhhhhhhh. Aaarrrghhhh”
Nope, it’s just crazy Jesus guy coming out of the bathroom. Tucking his shirt into his pants and groaning as he walks. And moaning like a zombie. How did he get ahead of me? Oh yeah, I was in line for a bit. He shuffles down the steps, moaning the whole time, like being alive is painful. Must have had to take a pee break and now its back to work showing people the calendar of Jesus.
I finish my meal and head back downstairs to copy down the French names for McDonald’s food so I can make amusing ignorant comments about them like the filthy American I am. It’s still crowded and I ask a woman if she minds if I sit in the chair next to her for a minute and she tells me its fine in a thick French accent. I pull out my pad and start writing and she asks “Coun-ting Cal-or-ies?” she asks me.
“Actually, I’m a writer, getting stuff down for this week’s article.”
“Ah, a writer. Can I be your Air o’ win?”
I have no idea what she just said.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
“Your Air o’Win? Can I be your Air o’Win?”
I’m confused. Is she asking me if she can be my muse? Or is she asking if she can be my Arawyn from the Lord of the Rings?
“Sure, I’ll put you in.”
She turns away and goes back to eating, sure I have misunderstood her. And she’s right.
As I’m leaving, I realize she was asking if she could be my Heroine.
If I was writing a novel I would have told her my Heroine would be The Lovely Mare and her adventures with the cute little Asian girls I just saw. And there battle with the evil thong monster and the baby oil of doom.
Oh, I’m a dirty dirty man.
Round three is against Nick Gareth.
I bet Nick gets a lot of tail. Handsome with long rock star hair. Black with blond highlights. A chain around his neck held in place by a padlock. He is wearing a Slayer shirt with a screaming demon in an army helmet on the front. His shirt has safety fins through it at random places. I can’t remember if he was wearing a jacket or not. Oddly enough, he does not have any piercings. He looks like the kind of guy that would have a couple right through his eyebrow, but does not. Nick and I have pleasant conversation the whole match. He’s a great sport and we just have fun since we’re both 0-2.
Nick is playing a Horobi, Kami deck that sort of relies on getting Horobi and a Kami that gives an effect to one of your creatures. Like Fear. Thus, killing it. It also has a sub theme of land destruction and Zo-Zu.
In game one he plays Horobi, Kami, Kami and kills two of my guys. But I’m holding elim and kill his Horobi. He plays another one and mentions that now I can’t equip Jitte. And then suggests that I probably already knew that. I laugh at myself and tell him if he hadn’t mentioned it, I would have just killed my Hand of Cruelty. But I’m holding Kiku’s Shadow and kill his Horobi then equip and swing. He destroys my Jitte with Sunder from Within but I have too much elim for his guys and too many guys for him to stop.
Game two is closer with him drawing three Horobis, but again, Kiku’s Shadow and two Jitte counters take care of the Horobis and this time he can’t get rid of the Jitte.
He tells me he should have kept the deck Mono Red land destruction since he had much better luck with it at Grand Prix when it was configured that way, going 3-3.
Very pleasant guy to play. Good times.
Oh yeah, I gotta go feed the meter. I nod to Crazy Jesus Guy as I walk by him and he nods to me. Still holding up Jesus for me to see. Hey look, it’s those same girls. They don’t act thirteen. No giggling, no clutching on each other’s arm. Just walking through the city shopping it looks like. Eating an ice cream cone.
I walk faster than them and am soon caught up as I walk to my car. I struggle to work up the courage to ask them how old they are so I can report it to you, faithful reader. Alas, I fail, afraid they’ll think I’m Creepy Old Guy, and just walk by and feed the meter.
Round 4 is Stefan Beauchamp. Light red hair, freckles and a moderately thick French accent. He is with Black/White control with Sleds and main deck Night of Souls’ Betrayal. Looks like Kai Budde deck.
These were easily the most maddening games of the day for me. While it’s clear I made mistakes in my first two matches (not attacking with more creatures in round 2, and not siding out fear rats in round one) this loss is purely bad luck.
I keep a three-land hand and on turn 9 am still on three lands.
My opponent has 9 lands and a Night of Souls’ Betrayal on the board, nullifying anything I could play with three or less land. And he doesn’t have a Kite out. I get to four lands by the time he kills me with Kagemaro.
I side in 4 Honden of Night’s Reach and they are MVP, not that it mattered. I start off the game by a mulligan to 6, keeping a hand of Jitte, Jitte, Kokusho, Knight, Swamp, and Swamp.
He keeps a hand of… Well, don’t know what he kept, but he plays a first-turn Pithing Needle naming Jitte, and now I’ve essentially mulliganed down to 4. Then he plays a Night of Soul’s Betrayal. Then Distresses Kokusho out of my hand, leaving me with 1 toughness Ogres, a 1/1 Hand he kills, and a hand full of elimination.
I get out Honden of Night’s Reach and half his cards become useless. But that doesn’t stop me from failing to draw a Patron. Or a Kokusho. Or an Ink-Eyes. Or even an Okiba Gang.
Nope, I just draw all the Ogres and elimination out of my deck. He Kites all the land out of his deck and every turn tops to look for one card. I don’t know what the hell he’s going to get. I’m sure I’m going to run him out of cards because I’m holding like 6 elimination spells in my hand.
On about turn 20 he finds and plays a Genju of the Fens.
And I die.
1-3!
Alan has won again and so has Paul. Looks like I’m the scrub today. Oh well, mise well keep playing. I’m the ride and I can’t leave until they get done and it looks like Alan’s going all the way.
Round 5 is against David Hubert with mono-Blue wizards, Meloku, Keiga, Shape shifter, Great Glass Kite and Gifts deck.
David is quiet and I get the feeling doesn’t speak English much, even though he can. Most of our match is in silence and in gestures. To be honest, I find it completely refreshing. I’ve often thought that I’d like to take a vow of silence. There are times when I just can’t shut up, and I love to debate. But also, I have no chat programs on my computer. I hate it when the phone rings. And on MODO I rarely say more than “Hello and Good Luck” or maybe “What the hell do you mean, ‘Serious decks only plz?’ You’re in the TOURNEY PRACTICE ROOM!” and every now and then, when I’m drunk, “U’r such an F’ing luck sack” or OMG U’R SUCH A NEWB LOL!”
A traditional greeting on MODO is “Hello and Good Luck”. I’m sure it’s just me, but I think it would be highly amusing to say “And luck you too Buddy!” As I said, I’m sure it’s just me.
Where was I? Oh yeah, mono Blue Wizards. David plays out some stuff, but I have way too much fear Rats and Ogres who let me Ninja in Ink-Eyes. Meloku makes an appearance on his side of the board, but like the unthinking truck I am, I just keep turning my guys sideways and hoping for the best. Eventually he runs out of Islands to return to his hand and I win.
I side in Hondens and Eradicate and giggle at my sneakiness.
I play out two Marauding Ogres as bait and he takes it, countering both of them. Then I play a Honden of Night’s Reach around and he has no counter and nods. He Gifts during his turn and I hand him Meloku and a counter and put the other two cards in his graveyard. He looks at the cards I handed him. “These go in my hand?”
Yup. They sure do.
He looks confused because this is seriously the wrong play… unless you know what I’m holding. He taps out to play Meloku and I Eradicate it and he smiles and nods.
I smile and nod too.
Yeah…
So he’s tapped out and holding the counter I gave him and 3 Meloku are sitting off to the side. I attack with something unblockable and ninja out OKIBA GANG!!! PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH!!! He discards 2, and then another to the Hondens and his hand is empty. He thinks for a minute, chuckles and extends the hand.
Like all of my opponents, a good sport. Good games.
Time to go feed the meter. And get a Red Bull. I’m starting to get a headache and who likes that? I enter into a little drug store slash convenience store and head to the coolers in the back. They don’t have Red Bull, but they do have an assortment of Energy Drinks I have never heard of. I eventually settle on a POWER ROOT, which is filled with things that promise to make my yang stand up. Sugar, Ginseng, Guaranna, Yohimba, Green Tea, Rhino Horn and Panda toenails to list a few.
I pay the girl at the register, notice the top is covered with dust and grime and do my best to wipe it off before presenting it to my lips. I’m not sure if what I taste is drink or grime but it’s awful. It tastes like Panda toenails. Dirty Panda toenails. I drink the whole thing anyway.
I head down to feed the meter and notice that Crazy Jesus Guy is gone. Prolly gave up on us heathens for the day. It is getting late. I feed the meter and make my way back to the store. Just past Crazy Jesus Guy’s spot is an elderly Indian woman.
“Sir, Sir” she implores me.
I stop.
She starts talking really fast in a language I don’t understand and shows me a weather beaten, pocket bent and linted photograph of two kids about 7 years old standing in squalor. The illusion is almost believable.
I tell her I don’t understand that language and she starts over in English.
“For my kids. They…” But it doesn’t matter; I’m already reaching for my wallet. Apparently they are hungry. And apparently these 7-year-old kids were borne by this woman when she was a mere 65 years old because she has to be past 70.
I open up my wallet and hand her an American five-dollar bill. She says,
“Give me the twenty.”
I chuckle and close my wallet and walk off.
“God Bless you sir! Bless you” she hollers after me.
Give me the twenty. LOL!
My last opponent for the day is Mykael Tran who is with a lot of Burn.
If I win, I’m 3-3. I lose I’m 2-4. Not that it matters to anyone but me. But I’d just prefer to be 3-3. Alan has drawn into the Top 8, and Paul has lost his last round to be 3-2.
Game one is us involved in playing creatures and either making them very afraid or burning them to death. And then when we achieve parity, he plays out Kumano, Master Yamabushi! Damn that guy is scary. So scary he kills me.
Game two is very close to a repeat of game one. But I have a Tomb of Urami on the board and keep drawing lands. But I play smart and start keeping lands in hand, and then when I’m out of elimination I sac my land to Urami and a 5/5 flying demon finishes him while I play out land every turn just in case.
Game three starts with him playing a turn 1 Pithing Needle naming Tomb of Urami. I start out by mulliganing to 6 and keep a hand of Land, Kiku’s Shadow, Jitte, Eradicate, and Kokusho. I very luckily top land one right after another, Eradicate Kumano, and then play a huge Black dragon that flies in like silent death. Then I play his twin and drain him for 10 and the game.
Paul and I both finish 3-3. Alan finished 4-0-2 and we watch his Top 8 matches which I am hoping he will report on soon. He said he was going to write a report, so I’ll keep the details of that for him to reveal.
He ended up taking second.
Skah!
As Alan always does, he starts handing out packs to anyone who was rooting for him. Four to this guy. Four to that guy. Four to each of the guys he plays with in Burlington that rode up in a different car. Four to me (Paul didn’t want any) and the few remaining for Alan himself.
Really an awesome day when I think about it.