Three rings, then a click
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Thank you for reading Tony’s article. Tony isn’t here right now, but if you’d like to e-mail him a message (or some unprovoked abuse) then do so at the following e-mail address: [email protected]
Alternatively, you could wait for the beeps and read his pre-recorded stream-of-consciousness musings.
BEEP
BEEP
BEEP
Thank you for holding. Tony’s article will now follow: Depending on which day this particular nugget of Boydellian conversation is published, Tony will either be
a) Up to his knees in salt water and random jellyfish,
b) Asleep in an arm-chair while Countdown broadcasts loudly into the caravan,
c) Visiting a friend who’s just had her FIFTH child (another boy – that’s FIVE boys, folks),
d) Travelling along UK’s myriad motorways and A-roads listening to Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone,
or
e) Located at the far extremity of his tether
Not that it’s any of YOUR business, of course, but Tony and his long-suffering family will be spending the week in a holiday-site caravan at the English Riviera resort of Torquay. Our neighbours kindly volunteered to look after the cat, but since the cat mysteriously disappeared about eight weeks ago and hasn’t been seen since, we felt there wasn’t much point.*
Anyway, here are some things to do while I’m away:
1. Make Card Chains
Just put as many card names together to make the longest chain possible – score 1 pt for each card name ‘slotted in’ e.g. BAD MOONLIT WAKE OF DESTRUCTION (Bad Moon, Moonlit Wake, Wake of Destruction = 3 pts) or maybe: BLACK LOTUS BLOSSOMNOPHORESFIELD OF DREAMS (Black Lotus, Lotus Blossom, Somnophore, Forcefield, Field of Dreams = 5 pts)
How big can you get yours ?**
2. Check your answers to my cryptic quiz against my ACTUAL answers:
1. Maybe in its natural surroundings WILD MIGHT
2. Ah! Boils! (anagram of) ABOLISH
3. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday etc. DAZE
4. Professor Abe smells a jet (anagram of) JOLRAEL, EMPRESS OF BEASTS
5. Frightening a small nail PANIC ATTACK
6. Aquatic mammal with backward temperament SEAL OF DOOM
7. Ring a (Monty) Python CHIMERIC IDOL
8. Spoiled (anagram of) DESPOIL
9. Breast mold (anagram of) BLASTODERM
10. Keeping fit without the Queen EXCISE (Exercise with ER removed)
11. It’s super with tea (almost) STUPOUR
12. A round fist (anagram of) SIFT
13. Big bullet GIANT SLUG
14. Eating in a most unseemly way GOBLIN
15. Greeting earth ? HIGH GROUND ("Hi, ground" -geddit?)
16. Invisible Education SCHOOL OF THE UNSEEN
17. D.N.S glamour (anagram of) LORD MAGNUS
18. Falsify beverage FORGET (Forge Tea)
19. Dove-burner (anagram of) OVERBURDEN
20. Easter FESTIVAL or HOLY DAY
21. How you might describe draft… PREFERRED SELECTION
22. They come after the first chants SECOND CHANCE
23. Another live Verdi piece VILE REQUIEM
24. What Miss Kelly spoke with VOICE OF GRACE
25. A Deep Purple song BLACK KNIGHT
26. Rapid peas? (anagram of) DISAPPEAR
27. Broom Reaper BRUSH WITH DEATH 😉
28. Simple Innuit card-game COLD SNAP
29. Essential vowels VITALIZE (Vital I’s)
30. Major dossier RANK AND FILE
31. Bear cards? (anagram of) RED SCARAB
32. Free from Tiger’s parents! GIFT OF THE WOODS
33. Part of a cobblers’ Mardi Gras? CARNIVAL OF SOULS
34. [EXPLETIVE DELETED] CENSORSHIP
35. Dry, airborne gas (anagram of) RYSORIAN BADGER
36. How you contact the MS Helpdesk! FAULT LINE
37. Where juggled balls go? HAND TO HAND
38. What Magic used to be called MANA CLASH
39. Psychoanalyst SHRINK
40. La Gazza Ladra THIEVING MAGPIE
41. Ripped fuss TORNADO (Torn Ado)
42. "Hogwarts" WIZARDS SCHOOL
43. Pod chatter PEACE TALKS (Peas Talks)
44. Wrt vitriol RESPITE
45. Wrt Ham (anagram of) WARMTH
46. Kermit and Miss Piggy have laryngitis COFFIN PUPPETS
47. Skin FLAY
48. Great shed! (anagram of) RATHS EDGE
49. XX DOUBLE CROSS
50. Ebon automobile (3 answers to this one!) BLACK LOTUS, BLACKER LOTUS, and DARK TRIUMPH
3. Design and make your own amusing Magic: The Gathering Tee-Shirt, e.g.
– Picture of COPPER-LEAF ANGEL with the caption "She needs regular ‘servicing’ "
– Picture of BUOYANCY with the caption "I wouldn’t wipe my arse on it"
– Picture of Richard Garfield with the caption "This man may have all of my money, but he’ll never take my spirit… oh, there it goes!"
I’ll try and send each one of you sweet muffins a post-card and, maybe, bring you back some rock!
So, until the Sands of Mortality are dislodged from the Foreskin of Fate…
Ciao babies!
*- I blame the Guinea Pigs myself. They’ve been over-confident recently, almost cocky, but are reluctant to let us clean them out, especially when I reach for their Devils Tower sculpture in poo and wood shavings – either the cats in there, or they’ve had a Close Encounter…
**- Oh, I say !