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Playing Commander in Style!

Danny West knows that winning in Commander is a fine objective, but in a non-sanctioned format, isn’t style worth a little something too? Join him as he walks the runway through Commander and gives a few stodgy cards a makeover! Bring a scarf.

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Commander is one of those formats where people come and go. A lot of that is on playgroups. Sometimes, somebody will spend good money or store credit on a
Commander deck, attend the local playgroup, then get run over by a Zur-shaped train.

Thanks for playing!

And yeah, part of the format’s appeal is in its freedom. You can play whatever you want, and the RC does a good job of regulating the format by regulating
very little. It just seems unfair for geography and local politics to play such an important role in the user experience. Given that winning in the format
is almost meaningless (some of you need to read that about six more times for good measure), I thought I’d take a few minutes to address the
commanders that have too much substance and too little style.

That’s right: this is going to be about style! Flair. Pizazz. Wizbang. Airplane. Housewife. More nouns.

So let’s take a look at some of Commander’s worst offenders and figure out how to style them up a tad.

Sharuum the Hegemon

Obnoxious Factor:
8

Flavor Text:
7

Flavor Text When Compared to Sphinx of the Steel Wind:
1

Gender Ambiguity:
2

When Sharuum was first spoiled, I hadn’t yet played any Commander and thought it was the coolest card I’d ever seen. People were putting two in that Open
the Vaults Standard deck that nobody was willing to play (outside of lost bets and fraternity pranks) just to create a stupid loop to gain a bunch of life
with Filigree Angel or some other such nonsense. Now, that is style!

Fast forward to now when playing against Sharuum in Commander feels like watching a poorly-practiced magician at a kid’s birthday party: you know how all
the tricks work, and while the effort that went into them is appreciated, it isn’t worth having to looking at the self-satisfied smirk on the dope who is
performing them. And then they get to the end and are shocked when we don’t clap. You know what’s a really cool trick? Finding a ride home.

Being stylish is about doing the unexpected in a cool, unassuming way. There’s nothing unassuming or cool about taking a six-hour turn. You know what’s
cooler than an infinite combo? Having friends.

How to Make Sharuum Cool Again:

-Make it a personal challenge to yourself to only copy the crappiest creature on the battlefield with Phyrexian Metamorph. Compare the following sentences:
A.) “I won by copying a Blighteel Colossus.” B.) “I won by copying a Mesa Enchantress.” I only care about one of these stories. We’re overstocked on the
other one.

-Play zero artifacts in your deck. Then act really outraged when everyone kills you first because you were the Sharuum player. Most Sharuum decks only make
other players feel bad. This plan makes them feel bad about themselves. Then come back the next week with a real Sharuum deck and crush everyone.
They’ll never see it coming! Styyyyyyyle.

A More Stylish Alternative:

Sydri has all of the annoying bullcrap potential of Sharuum without having the blindside factor. Sydri makes me wonder how I’m going to lose,
whereas everyone already knows with Sharuum since it usually happens more or less instantaneously. Killing people in Commander should be a surprise and a
delight; it shouldn’t be drawn out and self-gratifying. Just like in real life, death is something that should be enjoyed as a community.

Wait, what?

Sydri, Galvanic Genius
Danny West
Test deck on 09-28-2014
Commander
Magic Arena

Creatures (26)

Planeswalkers (2)

Lands (37)

Spells (34)

Magic Card Back


You can also use Hanna, Ship’s Navigator if you don’t mind cutting black (you still have blue, so don’t worry about losing your ability to annoy the whole
table).

Stylish Combo Not Enough People Use in These Colors:

Weee! If someone did this, I wouldn’t even Krosan Grip in response just out of respect.

The Mimeoplasm

Obnoxious Factor: 6

Obnoxious Factor When You Remember Lord of Extinction Will Be in the Deck:
10

Having a Dinosaur For a Hand:
10

This guy would be so much cooler if he didn’t come coupled with graveyard nonsense. And not that fun Sidisi graveyard nonsense, but the kind of graveyard
nonsense that makes your whole group play with Relic of Progenitus, Tormod’s Crypt, and several copies of bitter resentment. Graveyard hate cards are never
fun; they’re there to keep Mimeoplasm guy honest. And sometimes, that isn’t even good enough.

It doesn’t help that literally everything this card does from a practical standpoint is less cool than turning your arm into a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Svetlin
Velinov wrote a coolness check with that art that the Commander metagame couldn’t cash.

How to Make The Mimeoplasm Cool Again:

-Put at least a few dinosaurs in your deck so that the dream actually has a chance of happening.

– I know you’re doing this anyway by now, but this is such a hilarious response to the hate cards. And before everyone starts butchering it with a french
accent, “Vizier” is pronounced in the most unappealing, unstylish manner these letters could possibly indicate. (English major. BOOM.)

A More Stylish Alternative:

No further comment is necessary. Have you seen this card do stuff? Oh man! The stuff it does! Bonus style points for being a Naga instead of a Snake. The
legendary Kamigawa snakes have aged worse than Kurt Cobain, and Sidisi wants nothing to do with them. Sidisi sits with the cool people in the
air-conditioned cafeteria while the Kamigawa snakes are outside on the grassy knoll by themselves giggling loudly about nothing and wearing holey t-shirts
with dated jokes on them. (That’s What She Said. LOL.)

Sidisi, Brood Tyrant
Danny West
Test deck on 09-28-2014
Commander
Magic Arena

Creatures (33)

Planeswalkers (2)

Lands (36)

Spells (29)

Magic Card Back


Stylish Combo Not Enough People Use in These Colors:

This doesn’t trigger Sidisi in any kind of explosive ridiculous way, but it does let you operate out of your graveyard like a psychopath. Now, you’ll need
five or so of the second card to pull off this combo, but I still think it’s worth it. Seriously, if you’re going to play a graveyard deck, go nuts with
it. There’s nothing worse than playing against a graveyard deck where most of the action is on the battlefield. The battlefield! Everyone plays
with their cards on the battlefield! That’s boring. If you’re playing a supposedly graveyard deck and a new player walks up, that person should quit Magic
out of sheer intimidation for how complex this game can obviously get. If that doesn’t happen, you have failed us all. Don’t just play with the graveyard,
roll around in it. Get your hands dirty.

That’s better.

It is copious amounts of lame that Vizier doesn’t trigger off of Crumbling Sanctuary.

Uril, the Miststalker

Obnoxious Factor:
10

Hexproof as a Concept:
1

Cards with Hexproof:
1

“Hexproof” as the Name of an Ability: 1

“Hexproof” as a Potential Name for a Newborn Baby: 1

My Jokes About How Much I Hate Hexproof:
2-4 depending on how generous you’re being.

Play sac effects? Diabolic Edict? Chainer’s Edict? Barter in Blood? Oh what’s that? You’re already dead? Oh okay.

My beef with Uril isn’t so much that he sucks, it’s more that hexproof is the actual worst thing in the world. It has all the interactivity of a conjugal
visit at a prison for germaphobes. It’s great that Uril (Yoo-ril? Ur-ill? Url? Earl? Nathan?) gets a tax write-off every year for finally giving us
something to do with auras (unlike Theros Block, OHHHHHHHH), but seriously, playing against him is dental surgery. Except dental surgery is interactive so
I guess Uril is worse.

How to Make Uril Cool Again:

-Change his name to something like Zippy. At least we all agree on how that’s pronounced.

-Go back to before Commander was popular. Take your bulk mythic rare that does nothing against the Faeries deck and throw it in the trash.

A More Stylish Alternative:

If you insist on keeping auras, play Rayne. It’s a much more interactive sort of aura commander. If someone plays Rayne, I wouldn’t even be angry if they
played Consecrated Sphinx. Wait, hold on, let me read Consecrated Sphinx again. Ugh, never mind. Screw this garbage.

If you’re more into the big idiots camp (as what is Uril but a giant, unfriendly idiot you grow without hindrance?), play Mayael. Mayael and Impromptu Raid
are the Disney/Universal Studios of Commander.

Stylish Combo Not Enough People Use in These Colors:

The best combo you can have with Uril is a chair, a table, and a room with no one else in it. If you insist on having some human interaction, just
goldfish in the corner by yourself and shout at the pod across the room how long it would’ve taken to kill them given each unbeatable hand you draw. It’ll
save everyone a lot of time. Wear some sort of head protection because they’re going to intermittently throw things at you. (Which is, ironically, somewhat
interactive.)

“I’m lonely.”

Azami, Lady of Scrolls

Obnoxious Factor:
400

Coolness:
-6

Her Hourly Wage as an On-call Substitute Teacher:
$9.50

If Commander was a sophisticated dinner party, Azami would be the dog that jumped onto the table and peed in everyone’s wine glasses. I remember reading
someone from WotC’s commentary on banning Mystical Tutor in Legacy years ago. They said it wasn’t just that it was powerful-though it certainly is-it’s
that they didn’t want a format marquee card being a middle-aged woman pointing at a passage in a dated text book.

Fortunately, in Commander, middle-aged book women run hog wild!

“I’m going to party as soon as I finish grading these papers.”

Seriously, Azami is dumb. Her deck is, by design, always centered around heavy-blue cards like Cryptic Command, Cyclonic Rift, Snapcaster Mage, and other
spells that wouldn’t be so insufferable if they weren’t surrounded by forty other counterspells. It’s powerful, it’s annoying, it’s Azami.

How to Make Azami Cool Again:

It’s impossible. She’s an aging librarian. If you really want to try to style up Azami, you could take all the wizards out of your deck, tie weights to
your ankles, and jump in a pool.

A More Stylish Alternative:

Literally anything.

Stylish Combo Not Enough People Use in These Colors:

Not applicable. Her deck is more or less solved. You win Azami. Just leave my family alone!

Reaper Progenitus False God Cromatatog

Obnoxious Factor:
1-10 depending on the deck.

About as Creative As:
A poorly completed coloring book based on a Michael Bay film.

This spot doesn’t go to Reaper King so much as the “show off” five-color decks. Color identity is a crucial part of the format and “having it all” is a bit
of a corner-cut. Five-color scarecrows/tribal Atogatog is awesome. Progenitus “look at my dual land collection” is trying way too hard. Though I will say I
like protection from everything better than hexproof. At least it isn’t in denial about its own degenerate nonsense.

How to Make Five-Color Decks Cool Again:

-Theme! All you need is a theme. You’ve volunteered to forfeit one of the constraints of the game (color philosophy/accessibility), so it’s only reasonable
that you impose one on yourself in some other way. All the same artist. All your favorite pet cards. All sorceries. Anything but more good stuff decks.

A More Stylish Alternative:

Reaper King
Danny West
Test deck on 09-28-2014
Commander
Magic Arena

Creatures (78)

Lands (22)

Magic Card Back


Styyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyle!

Stylish Combo Not Enough People Use in These Colors:

It’s five colors. See literally any card in this article. Try to keep up. You’re better than this.

Rafiq of the Many

Obnoxious Factor:
6

Confusing Art:
6.2

Number of Times I’ve Had a Friend Killed in One Shot by a Rafiq-Boosted Progenitus Attack in an Actual Standard Tournament:
1, which is (Rafiq of the) too many.

Rafiq wouldn’t be that bad without the commander damage rules. He’s designed to hit you over the skull with a bat as quickly as possible which doesn’t
always make for an invigorating and lengthy experience. It’s never good when you slot a few hours for a Commander pod and you’re all wondering what to do
after eight minutes because Rafiq guy showed up.

How to Make Rafiq Cool Again:

-Win without commander damage for once. Or if you can’t help yourself, do it in a control deck where Rafiq is your only creature. That’s fashionable.

-Play a ton of equipment, but don’t attack unless it’s for over 200.

-If any combination of cards in your deck contain the words “can’t,” “be,” and “blocked” on the same card,

allow me to hold onto your deck for you.

-In all fairness, losing to a celebrated legendary knight is a lot cooler than being bored to death by Azami and her extended wizard family. I know it’s
sort of a cop out to complain more about Azami in another legend’s section, but I’m sorry, it’s how I feel.

A More Stylish Alternative:

God, Azami sucks.

Stylish Combo Not Enough People Use in These Colors:

Hiya, beautiful.

Rafiq of the Many
Danny West
Test deck on 09-28-2014
Commander
Magic Arena

Creatures (28)

Planeswalkers (3)

Lands (36)

Spells (33)

Magic Card Back


Conclusions!

I’d continue this article, but after seeing Elesh Norn, looking at other commanders just feels dirty. In closing, I’d like to say that part of the freedom
of Commander is choosing whatever cards you want to play with (mostly), and that includes cards that give you the greatest possibility of winning. But try
to find ways to express yourself. Kill in ways that we haven’t all seen before. Kill with style!

As a final quick aside, I’d like to thank everyone who has given the Commander VS video series lots of love. I’ve received lots of questions on Twitch and
social media regarding when we’re going to have more of those. Right now, Dave and I have a little too much on our plate professionally to be doing content
for the series, but we’re by no means declaring it over with. Other more pressing work is just a little too dense at the moment. We enjoy making the videos
and we appreciate all the support! If you’re looking for more Commander content, SCG has plenty to offer. And if you just want to see our faces, SCG Opens
and Twitch are great places for that.

On that note, let’s fill the comments section up with non-annoying Commander lists with traditionally annoying commanders. Show me your style.

Be magnifique.