Zordon:
Alpha Five, where are you?
Alpha:
Zordon! Aye-yi-yi-yi-yi what it is?
Zordon:
Alpha, one of the most dastardly forces in the universe is rearing its ugly head. We must summon the Rangers.
Alhpa:
What is it this time, Zordon? Rita Repulsa? Lord Zedd? Astromena?
Zordon:
Much worse, my friend.
Control decks are back in Magic. Twitch chat is freaking out and spamming Resident Sleeper. FNM rounds are going to time more often. The people need
the Rangers to save them from drudgery and being bored.
Alpha:
But Zordon! Magic players have been complaining for a year that Wizards has killed control! They’ve been angrily pounding at the doors to have it be
viable again! Aye-yi-yi!
Zordon:
Magic players are not rational, Alpha. They want control decks, and then get angry when they get them.
Alpha:
Why, Zordon, why?
Zordon:
Because they are children, Alpha. Children. Wizards of the Coast could put $100 dollar bills in packs and players would be upset about how they folded
them. But children are our bread and butter, so let’s just go ahead and summon the Rangers and hope it helps smooth things over until Return to
Zendikar.
Alpha:
You got it, Zordon!
Creatures (20)
Lands (26)
Spells (14)
Zordon:
We will start with Andrew Tenjum’s list, because he’s masterful in his approach to Abzan.
Alpha:
But Zordon! I thought we were summoning the Rangers?
Zordon:
The Abzan Rangers, Alpha. The real Power Rangers would kick the heads off of their opponents like they were members of the Putty Patrol. Instead we
must cobble together a group of Magic cards with attitudes.
Alpha:
Of course! We are going to need brains for this group!
Zordon:
We will endow Courser of Kruphix with the mighty triceratops. With her strength and nobility she guides the player to land drops, essentially drawing
cards off of the top of their library. She gives the knowledge on what is on top, so if we don’t want it we may simply scry it to the bottom or
sacrifice a fetchland to shuffle it away. Like the triceratops she is excellent at defense, and that will come in handy in the battle to come.
Alpha:
Perfect, Zordon. Perfect! We will need a Ranger to be our rock: a level-headed and sensible creature to hold down the fort.
Zordon:
That job will go to Fleecemane Lion, which will share in the power of a fellow feline: the sabretooth tiger. Fleecemane Lion is as powerful in the
earlygame as it is in the late, and the ability to
m
onstrous it can give control players headaches. The Lion is a pillar of offense and defense, and will play both roles to perfection. We will need it to
put early pressure on Esper Dragons and to threaten
m
onstrosity against them.
Alpha:
I believe that will do the trick, but what about strength? Aye-yi-yi-yi we need muscle!
Zordon:
The mighty mastodon, Alpha. It provides sturdy and steady beatdowns that the control opponent is unable to stop. With the power of
morphin’
at our disposal there is no better candidate than Deathmist Raptor. It is not a coincidence that it has the same casting cost as Trained Armadon. It
will be our blunt-force object when dealing with Esper Dragons. A strong body coupled with being difficult to kill is the best possible creature for
properly playing around Foul-Tongue Invocation. It comes back stronger and will give us a snowball that will eventually become an avalanche. The
Deathmist Raptor is a dinosaur that could rival our own Dinozords.
Alpha:
Zordon, we may be spending too much time worrying about beating control decks, though. What about all of the other decks out there?
Zordon:
In the spirit of the majestic pterodactyl, I have chosen Elspeth, Sun’s Champion. She isn’t just one of the best planeswalkers ever printed, she is
also a symbol. Her power rests in being fantastic in almost all matchups except for Mono-Red, whic
h
if we live long enough she can close out.
Alpha:
I hate Mono-Red, Zordon. Almost as much as I hate Pudgy Pig.
Zordon:
You and every other Magic player whose last name isn’t “Sullivan,” Alpha. We need Elspeth, though. Being good against control shouldn’t be our only
goal, but instead we can also use this cheeky planeswalker with attitude to close out games against midrange opponents.
Alpha:
That’s all well and good, Zordon, but what of leadership?
Zordon:
There is no doubt that someone will have to be the anchor of the Abzan Rangers, and that task- as ferocious as the tyrannosaurus rex- must be handed to
the one and only Siege Rhino. Twitch chat hates Siege Rhino and often laments him being played in large doses, but there is no more incredible and
diverse card in the Ranger Corps. Against a
g
gro decks it is a stop sign.
Against
midrange decks it becomes a stabilizer and a clock against control, which demands removal.
Unequivocally Siege Rhino will trample over many enemies and guide our Rangers to victory.
Alpha:
This is so exciting, Zordon! We have our five Rangers!
Zordon:
Not so fast, Alpha…
Alpha:
What’s wrong? Are we under attack from Mr. Ticklesneezer again?
Zordon:
No, Alpha. We are- wait was that really his name?
Alpha:
Yes, Zordon. Mr. Ticklesneezer.
Zordon:
Alllllright, I guess. We need the ultimate weapon to shake up the metagame. Our team is strong, yes, but it still needs that wild card factor to draw
it all together.
Alpha:
You don’t mean-
Zordon:
Yes. We need to harness the ultimate power of the Dragonzord. We need a Green Ranger.
Zordon:
Despite the power of Siege Rhino or the cunning of Deathmist Raptor, Den Protector is what will make our deck, as the kids say, go “boom boom.”
Returning a card from your graveyard is a very important effect that only gets better as you begin to loop Den Protectors. It also returns removal
spells, Mastery of the Unseen, and your other creatures. Not to mention, it can trigger Deathmist Raptor.
Den Protector is the glue that holds this deck together and gives it unbelievable synergy.
Alpha:
So does that mean we have a list, Zordon?
Zordon:
Yes, Alpha. Now we shall present it to the readers.
Alpha:
Readers?
Zordon:
The R.E.A.D.E.R.S. The Rarely Excited Amazingly Dedicated Earnest Renegade Subordinates.
Alpha:
Aye-yi-yi, Zordon. That seems excessive.
Zordon:
I just kind of came up with it. It doesn’t even make sense…so here’s a list.
Creatures (20)
Planeswalkers (2)
Lands (26)
Spells (12)
Zordon:
It’s clear to me that this deck is going to be a huge player going forward, especially with Bant Heroic winning the latest Standard Open in Cleveland.
Alpha:
But don’t Heroic decks feast off of green-based creature decks, Zordon?
Zordon:
They do, Alpha. But this deck packs a lot of removal that lines up well against it. With plenty of spells like Ultimate Price, Abzan Charm,
Self-Inflicted Wound, Hero’s Downfall, Glare of Heresy, Thoughtseize, and Dromoka’s Command we will have plenty of ways to keep them in check.
Alpha:
And with Den Protector to help rebuy as many spells as possible, it seems like we could be very disruptive against control players.
Zordon:
Precisely, Alpha Five. Thoughtseize and Duress are great against them, but returning them with Den Protector could ensure a victory. Our new dragon
overlords may not know what hit them.
Alpha:
How do we feel against the rest of the field, Zordon?
Zordon:
Abzan decks have a long and decorated history of doing well, and I feel like this deck is no exception. The inherent synergies give it a huge edge in
matches where grinding out advantages is the key to winning. It provides a great deal of power and consistency, and
it
can do well against most decks. Atarka Red is a big player now, but this deck has the creature base to put a halt to their attacking, especially with a
very punishing sideboard.
G/R
Dragons provides a unique opportunity for this deck to shine as well. With lots of removal, lifegain, and ways to return those spells to your hand, it
will be hard for them to gain a proper footing. I could see this matchup, however, as being the most difficult. We will need to explore how to defeat
it.
As for Abzan Aggro, I believe our Abzan Rangers deck will perform quite well against it. We have the ability to remove most of their threats, and the
deathtouch of Deathmist Raptor can handle most
problems
in the deck. Their best weapons against us will be a raided Wingmate Roc, but it should be manageable by properly utilizing the best removal spells in
our colors.
Alpha:
Is there anything this deck can’t do, Zordon?
Zordon:
The best part about Abzan Rangers, Alpha, is that it’s so new that we haven’t even began to uncover all the power it possesses. These Rangers are in
their infant form, but if we spend more time with it, then we can have a truly amazing fighting force on our hands.
Alpha:
What else is there to do, Zordon?
Zordon:
Go forth and play it, Alpha. Test this deck at FNM and see what kind of results it yields.
Alpha:
Why can’t you test it, Zordon?
Zordon:
Because I live in a giant time vortex space tube, Alpha. All I can do is access the internet, but Magic Online never stops crashing.
Alpha:
Aye-yi-yi, Zordon! I hope the Mighty Morphin’ Abzan Rangers can save us!
Zordon:
And I hope you read this article in our voices.