I don’t have time to write a column this week. I also won’t have time for any playing of Magic. As I type this sentence, I’m getting married in 104 hours. There are a ton (literally) of things to move and a ton (figuratively) of little things to do. So, I’ll have to give you a form that you can fill in to write your own column. Ted, if your server shuts down from the flood of submissions, just put the bill for the repairs on my tab. – Thanks for understanding, Chris
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Hello / Hey, there / Howdy / What’s up? / Word,
My name is {fill in your name or handle}.
I’ve been playing Magic since {Alpha / Beta / Gamma / Ice Age / Urza’s Saga / Legions}. My rating is {exaggerate your rating here}.
I’ve made {numerous / several / five} top eights at PTQ’s and Grand Prix’s.
My best day was {splitting in the finals of a PTQ with Mike Flores / losing in the first round of a Grand Prix top eight to Nate Heiss / when George Clooney waved at me at the premiere of Brother Bear}.
Usually, I only play Constructed when {a solid winner of a deck is already floating around the internet / I can’t get anyone to draft / MTGO is down}.
However, recently, I’ve been playing a deck {that I claim to have developed all on my own / that my buddy Pedro claims to have developed all on his own / that I copied right off of the internet}.
Against Ravager Affinity and Goblins (with or without Bidding), it has a {55% / 65% / 75%} winning percentage.
Its weakest matchup is {insert rarely seen archetype such as mono-Blue Control} and wins only 45% of the time.
Sideboarding helps a lot, since we bring in {insert random sideboard card name(s) here}.
After sideboarding against {rarely seen nemesis}, this deck wins {65% / 80% / 92%} of the games.
It’s hotter than {insert link to picture of Monica Belucci}.
The idea came to {me / him / us} when we were {playing at the kitchen table / getting pounded at our local store / watching the Halle Berry topless scene in Swordfish for the thirty-second time}.
So, here’s the decklist. We call it {name of the two key cards a la Rift/Slide / two colors plus a card name or mechanic a la U/G Madness / random words and/or number a la Parrot Workshop 2k4}.
{X} Lands {where X is either too many or too few}
4 {first Onslaught fetch land}
4 {second Onslaught fetch land}
3 {Invasion dual land associated with the previous 2 colors}
{Y} {basic land #1}
{Z} {basic land #2}
{A} Creatures {where A is more than twenty if the deck is beatdown and less than sixteen if control}
{insert creature list here}
{B} Other Spells {where B equals sixty minus X minus A}
{insert list of other spells here}
I’m sure the first thing you’ll notice is the inclusion of {card that looks out of place in the current metagame}. Yes, it does look out of place.
After {hundreds of games of testing against the four toughest decks around / a few games against Elves / thinking about it on the toilet}, I can assure you that {card that looks out of place in the current metagame} is a hidden gem.
{witty remark from Ted Knutson goes here} [I got nuthin’ – Knut]
It can {keep Ravager Affinity from kicking you in the nuts in by turn four / prevent Goblins from harpooning your fat a$$ by turn 5 / stall the game out until your opponent concedes from boredom}.
I’ve played hundreds of games with this deck, and it really works. Really, it does. I’m not just saying that. It really works. Well. Very well. Really, very well.
Thanks for reading this far.
{cute or witty signoff}
{your name again}