Feature Article – The Road To Regionals: Vicadin And Valium

Future Sight Release Event

I opened not much and built it wrong and didn’t do very well. Onto…

Regionals!

As every single one of you know, I did better than expected at last year’s Regionals, what, with finishing higher than two-hundred-sixty bad Magic players, so naturally, I think I can be better at Magic than you.

Did I mention that I’m among the top 400 Legacy players in the United States? 29th at Regionals and top 400? Look out Tiago.

frigginrizzo: ← level six.

Before I forget, though I already did but wrote a 17-page report about it anyway, this is what I played in the last Extended PTQ of the season:

Just look at the list and imagine how I did. No, pricks, I did a little better than that, gimme some credit, will you? Still, feel free to offer condolences.

Initially, I was all wet about Future Sight, and while I’m still very moist, there is a residue in my mouth that becomes more and more difficult to describe. It all started with Narcomoeba, Street Wraith, and Bridge from Below.

“Wow,” said John, “these cards seem like they work very well with dredge.” In a show of emphasis, his brow furrowed, indicating he was either focused on possibility, or doing long division in his head.

Obviously, it’s about freakin’ time Wizards printed some cards that actually reward players for trying to utilize their graveyard — I mean, hello, it only took you guys 14 years?! On the other, c’mon, yo seriously, brokerz much?

You want me to tell you what to play at Regionals, don’t you? Obviously you should play Dragonstorm or Gruul or Dredge or Boros or Pickles or Solar Flare or U/B or Mono Black, but what you absolutely should not play is G/B/splash color, ‘cause that’s what I think I’m playing.

Hypnotic Specter
Call of the Herd
Persecute / Nightmare Void
Fatty
Fatty
Fatty
Void

These are the cards I’m putting in my deck any way you want it, and you are completely powerless to stop me. Isn’t “turn 2 Hyppie, turn 3 Persecute” like, st00pit n00b! I thought it was last year, and while the decks have changed a little, only one that I can think of doesn’t mind losing their entire hand. But lemme tell ya’:

I really, really miss Umezawa’s Jitte. How the hell can anyone play aggro without Jitte? Better yet, why would they even want to? Without Jitte, mise well just play dumb counterspells, for there is no reason to exist, let alone try to win with, ugh, creatures.

Without Jitte, a deck like mine is forced to consider adding more than a set of Putrefy. Damnit, that’s like eight cards devoted just to removal? Not kewl at all. Thus, in protest that Jitte wasn’t reprinted in Time Spiral (hello, the set from the past!!!!), I am considering including a total of zero removal spells in my deck. Except Void.

R&D Guy: We’d have to get hit with a bus before we’d reprint Void!

One R&D Guy scraped off the street with a spatula later…

Blowing up a 2/2 and nabbing in-hand Lightning Helix and Sudden Shock never felt so good. On turn 3. Well, blowing up that Signet you tapped out for, and I guess snagging a Remand and Mana Leak ain’t too shabby either.

I could list every possible iteration of Nearly Mono Black In Standard 2007, but rather, here’s one particular version:

[Gotta say, that’s a long way from even Nearly Mono Black… – Craig, amused.]

The single copies of basic land indicate that I probably think way too highly of Ghost Quarter. Perhaps I shouldn’t, and can clean up the manabase to something resembling, well, not a freakin’ disaster waiting to happen, but when, in that one game out of five where Joe Random ‘Quarters something and I go fetch a basic land of the exact color I needed omg it’ll be so worth it. The other four games I’ll probably lose because I drew the basics, but twenty percent is tightness.

The full-frame deal on Nessian Courser is so sexy, and he is a spare Call of the Herd… I dunno: it’s a bitch trying to find good three-mana guys. I mean, shouldn’t every Green deck start like this:

4-8 mana guys
4 Call
4 Troll Ascetic

And it can’t until 10th comes in.

I suppose you think Ohran Viper is an auto-include, or perhaps you don’t, because you realize that Gruul will say “no blocks, woot you get to draw a whole card SOLIFUGE YOU!” It’s aggravating when you have to look at other colors to find a primo three-drop. BTS is not primo, but he’s miles better than Nessian Courser, who is miles less than Call of the Herd, and I’m forever wavering on Sulfur Elemental. However.

Turn 2 Hyppie, turn 3 Persecute, turn 4 rather large fatty to beat the ever loving piss out of you is not something I wish would happen less. However, a common situation some discard decks (mostly mine) face(d) is an opponent going “okay, no cards in hand, keep beatin’ me down with that 2/2 while you draw an endless supply of discard and I peel the game winner and beat you about the head neck chest and breast area.”

t3H
t4P
t5DASHMFFY!

(Turn 3 Hyppie, turn 4 Persecute, turn 5 drop a super huge mutha freakin’ fatty, yo!)

Is as good as it ever was.

Yeah, Korlash. I heard ‘dat. What you didn’t hear is that, for a while, my four-drop of choice was Ghost Council of Orzhova. Double White, double Black, but still need Green on turn 1, plus Red for Void… It was a mess. So I decided to rectify that situation by changing the super-turbo-powered fatty to… Calciderm. Mana wise, that’s called “lateral movement.” Fatty-wise, they get no better, at least in terms of guys that can be dropped on turn 3 and make you dig for Damnation with the quickness, (or a lowly 1/1 regenerator, but who plays with those?), Calciderm is nutz, both deez and yourz.

5/5 for four
can’t be targeted
pretty freakin’ good
against everything

Turn 2 Hyppie, turn 3 Persecute, turn 4 Calciderm

Are you efffing kidding me? That reminds me…

Street Wraith

I’ve read a number of opinions regarding the value of Street Wraith, and most seem to fall into one of precisely one camps: Street Wraith allows you to, for the first time in the (moder) history of Magic, truly play a 56-card Constructed deck. The reasoning is that it takes up no actual real space in your deck.

I’ll buy that line, but with reservations — as such: in nearly every deck I’ve ever built, I can’t remember the times I said to myself “damn, there are only 56 cards I want to put into this deck!” It’s been quite the opposite, and most especially thanks to the goodness that is Ravnica block.

Fifty-six cards? Shrug and sigh and wtf are you talking about? No matter what color combination or strategy I pursue, there are always too many cards. Heck, cutting down to sixty often causes me extreme emotional distress.

As an example, take a “straightforward” R/W/U Angel deck. You certainly need to at least consider the following:

Lightning Angel, Lightning Helix, Remand, Serra Avenger, Faith’s Fetters, Repeal, Electrolyze, Sudden Shock, Demonfire, Court Hussar, any number of Signets, Firemane Angel, both flavors of Akroma, both flavors of Char, Wrath of God, Compulsive Research, Mana Leak, Spell Burst, Condemn, Numot, Boom / Bust, Aeon Chronicler, Molten Disaster and blah et cetera et freakin’ al.

Perhaps you could build the above deck so tightly that you’d be scratching your head trying to find cards number 57-60. If so, stop itchin’ for a scratch, just add Street Wraith!

Even something as simple as Mono Green Beats is going to have difficulty cutting to sixty, at least for me. I imagine there are some (or many) who routinely build 56 card decks and toss in four “fillers,” either as one-ofs or “if I draw it, fine, if not whatever.”

Then again, anyone who writes about a deck and uses the phrase “if I draw it, fine, if not whatever,” is liable to be drawn, quartered, eighthed and sixteenthed, then sixty-nined by the community en masse. Or at least in the forums:

i pay good money for premium and you say if i draw it fine?! I wont be renewing my membership cuz i came here to get l33t @ majik. P.S. flores is cocky.

Actually, I see what the 56-carders are getting at, it’s just one of those things you understand logically but can’t quite get a grasp on… like television. Yeah, I get that you shoot these waves from the station and I pick them up and somehow they turn into images that wtf no I don’t. Ditto recorded music. And electricity. And how sperm and egg can mix to create something that can learn and think and has teeth and eyes and a skeletal system.

Next time you get the opportunity, take a gander at semen. Yep, this glob of goo will someday have teeth that somehow know to fall out when the kid’s mouth gets too big and then new teeth will replace them. Oh, and electricity surging through its body. F***ing insane. Just like Street Wraith, a.k.a. 57-60.

IDs

Intentional Draws fly in the face of everything that competition represents. If you get your head out of my ass long enough to admit that, I’ll be more comfortable for sure, and then we can agree to draw in the last round. While the act itself gives me hives, putting on the martyr t-shirt isn’t something that matters enough to me anymore.

I don’t like to pay taxes and I don’t like to ID, but hey, this is America, where everyone’s a victim, everyone has an excuse, no one is ever responsible for their own actions, and let’s drug our children to the point of psychosis and wonder why they go on shooting sprees. So why the hell can’t I extend the hand in the last round and kick up my heels and laugh at those on the bubble?

“I will NEVER Intentional Draw. EVER.”
Me, The Most Broken Tournament Mechanic Ever, August 21, 2000

I was so cute at that age.
THIS WAS BEFORE WE WERE ENCOURAGED OR ALLOWED TO USE ITALICS. CAN YOU TELL MUCH?
I’m a hypocrite.
And a liar.
Probably a cheater too.
Welcome to earth.

…

It seems there are gaping holes that Black or Green can’t really fill, notably an additional three drop, and a rather large additional 4cc fattie. P.S. I don’t understand why we capitalize the colors. Then again, sperm confuses me, see above.

Good 3cc Green or Black guys:

Call
Viper
Loaming Shaman
Hunting Moa
Wood Elves
Nessian Courser
Heartwood Storyteller
Hyppie
Phobian Phantasm
Daggerclaw Imp
Skulking Knight
Stinkweed Imp
Putrid Cyclops wtf
Shambling Shell

Hyppie is likely the only card on that list that will even interest an opponent. When the strategy is “turn 1 mana guy, turn 2 preferably Hyppie, turn 3 Persecute or fatty,” there are very few on that list that don’t interfere. Moa has Echo, Shaman’s ass is too small, Wood Elves are great (in an environment with Jitte), Storyteller is certainly not synergy (though allow me to extrapolate… later), Phantasm has upkeep, Daggerclaw is too fragile, Stinky is too defensive, Cyclops wtf, Shell dies to everything, miscellaneous.

It comes down to Viper, Courser, and Knight, none of which truly excite me. Viper seems good… I’m just too cheap to shell out the 40-buck-minimum to put him in my deck. If I’m going to spend 40 bucks on anything, it better be naked and affixed to something.

Courser is so unsexy that he’s almost sexy, and Knight, well, pretty much anything that can target him was going to kill him anyway, so, we look to the other colors for help.

For the three, Red offers Burning-Tree Shaman and Sulfur Elemental, a 5/3 flying hybrid, with Slum and Darwin, Shivan Wumpus, and Solifuge in the four slot; Blue presents Jonny M. and Dimir Cutpurse, while Moroii is about it for “fatties.”

And there is White: Watchwolf fits well enough in the three-drop even as a two-drop, while Paladin en-Vec, Aven Riftwatcher, Jotun Owl Keeper, Grotesque, and Stonecloaker aren’t exciting enough to ravage my manabase even more than it already is, though Hierarch and Calciderm almost are. Likewise, Ghost Council is nearly worth losing every fifth game on general principle (of bad mana).

The one thing I am certain about is:

Augur of Skulls is my new Nightscape Familiar. He freakin’ regenerates, too? Unfair.

Too much deck talk.

Today, Zac Hill Will Be Playing The Part of The Fuhrer

Apparently, using the phrase “pint-sized Vietnamese” is racist and bigoted and along the lines of “nappy-headed hos.” Poor Zac, how awful it must be to be outed on this here site here — sensitivity training is not only in order, but should be mandated in such an obvious case of blatant hatred. What a furor the net’s newest fuhrer has caused. Oddly, he was not arrested.

Around the turn of the century, Tony Boydell, on this same site here site, used the expression “Filipino house boy.” While this was during the early days of the uber-sensitive-we’re-all-goddamned-children movement, he also encountered a decent amount of ire. Because he is a racist, duh, just like Zac.

In protest, or fun, natch, I used the expression in an article, with the intention to poke and prod a little reality check into the situation. I was not arrested, nor were comments made: it seems everyone “got it;” even those who were earlier offended were, if not slightly amused, certainly not ready to have my head. Things were different then — less Ritalin, maybe.

Dave Meddish once wrote that using the word “gay” to describe obvious non-gay-in-the-non-heterosexual-way things, such as a bad card or cheesy combo, had no place on a Magic site. It took a few years, and a couple editors, but the word “gay” seems to be banned from the forums, and I know that it’s been edited out of more than one of my articles. “Lame” is the adjective du jour.

I can understand a business, such as StarCityGames.com, not taking up some kind of first amendment fight – they’re in business for the business, and not to raise their fists in the air to defy political correctness. I have nothing but respect for their position, and, as a “subcontractor,” actively support whatever their standards happen to be. I write this up and send it in, leave the editing to Craigers, who knows the rules up, down, and pell mell, and I suspect that the reason I have any kind of forum at all is because StarCityGames.com thinks I can help them make money. I don’t know why they think that, but shhh, don’t let them in on our little secret!

So they ban the word “gay.”

Regardless of the large-looming intent and cash flow, this is progress, spoke Zarathustra. This nit-picking and reverse-engineering of the first amendment is not something I can wrap my mind around with any bit of legitimate comprehension beyond the almighty dollar. As I’m capitalist first and foremost, word ‘em up, but there’s a side of me that doesn’t like that, apparently, all it takes is a few sissy-asses to get their panties in a bunch, and boom, pow, enter the filter.

Yeah, yeah, I get it: I, along with Zac and Tony, am a racist, sexist, homophobe, want to starve the children and the elderly and would like nothing more than for Exxon and Shell to completely dominate the world, and we should be censored, or at least universally condemned. No wonder you hate me.

Interjection: At dinner this evening, my wife informed me that a friend of hers, a school teacher, witnessed a 6th grader get three days detention for saying “that’s gay.” No comment.

About a year ago, Pete and Craig received an email from a reader regarding my apparent “offensive” description of Azorius Guildmage. They forwarded it to me, and after falling to the floor in utter astonishment that someone would not only be offended by something I thought was completely innocent (and oh so lol-worthy), I put on my reasonable cap and replied.

Lemme tell ya’: it took a lot of trying to look through the eyes of others before I was able to respond with any degree of, er, “journalistic integrity,” or whatever those disgusting scumbag leech vulture bloodsuckers in the media call it.

While I didn’t have to endure the online ‘tings of other established writers, I was forced to consider the ramifications of, well, every freakin’ thing I would ever write again. A small part of me expected to get the email:

Dear John,

Thanks for all your contributions over the years. But business is business and we can’t have you offending potential customers. Thank you for understanding. Now, hit the bricks and don’t let the door hit ya’ where the good lord split ya’.

Love,
Pete and Craigers

P.S: If the phrase “the good lord” offended you, we apologize.

Fortunately, that email never arrived. One year later, and still no arrest to speak of.

Magic players, I thought, were immune from the sick, twisted and dirty pieces of politics that pervade every day life. This was to be an escape of sorts, an alternate reality where the cards, the metagame and a roll of the d-20 trumped Imus versus Sharpton, Donald versus Rosie, and Pelosi versus Bush.

I don’t watch television at all, most certainly not the network news, and I rarely pick up a newspaper to read more than the sports or Dilbert. Rather than partake in the “current events” that I know will piss me off to no end due to the media’s ridiculous need to report death, destruction, sickness, and pain as “news,” I ignore it. Still, I can’t get away, and big events often break through and force me to escape – to writing or Magic or writing about Magic. Because everything is different in the world of spells.

I want (wanted? Is it all over?) Magic to be above and beyond petty squabbling over things that absolutely, positively should never, ever mean anything to anyone who isn’t wrapped way too tight for life, and takes themselves way too seriously. Like “pint-sized Vietnamese.” Or “gay.” That’s for the real world. This is Magic, b*tch!

If you’re not a pint-sized Vietnamese and you get offended by someone else being called a pint-sized Vietnamese, you need to a) get a life, b) stop taking yourself so seriously, and c) stfu. The same goes for “gay.” If you’re not gay, then why do you care? And even if you are, you should take your mom’s nip out yer mouth and grow the hell up. Call me any name under the sun, and I’ll rofl along with all y’all, but if I heard you call someone else a greaseball, is that when I’m supposed to get offended? It’s all worthless, every single bit of it.

I imagine I sound intolerant, and on the topic of political correctness, I am — zero tolerance here, baby. But in real life, I bet I’m more tolerant than most of the tree-huggers who want to hang people who say “gay” by their testicles from a tree. That’s how leftys show tolerance: they attack you and what you believe (like Zac and Tony), and if that doesn’t work, they burn stuff (like Zac’s pro player card, if he had one). For evidence, see France, and what happened recently when that socialist, commie chyk lost the presidency to a conservative male.

But that’s not really the point — Magic is / was bigger than that worthless drivel. It appears that when a recreation takes on a life of its own, the real world must, by default, invade upon what was formerly a little slice of respite — a form of somethingness that, in all reality, leans closer and closer to nothingness simply by its hugeness. I imagine Wizards’ employee pool has grown large enough to approach government-mandated hiring policies (though more likely Hasbro has). If so, great, because we all know that Magic cards can’t possibly be intelligently designed and developed without x number of “qualified” minorities.

This is Magic, b*tch — leave the “real world” trash at the curb.

Alas, the bigger The Thing gets, the more pervasive the things that should not matter become — aspects that have no relevance to The Thing begin to devour and eventually digest until all that’s left is a few cantankerous old-timers who spin yarns of “how it used to be” that fall upon the deaf ears of the new-school. If I had my druthers, Magic would be the safe, vacuum-packed otherworld escape that I want, and probably need, it to be.

Let’s pause ten seconds for station identification. Maybe another ten to recover.

Extrapolating Storyteller

Storyteller might be beatdown’s best friend. After all, anything you do to kill him or others will let me draw a card or two. This is what beatdown needs, right? Least that’s the premise.

The obvious idea would be to use an extraordinary amount of utility creatures in place of spells — bring the beats ‘til the break of dawn. This will allow you to use Storyteller as a one-sided, conditional Howling Mine. You’re on the right track, well, you’re on a track, but why not dig a little deeper?

What if, when you played a noncreature spell, you could nullify your opponent’s draw? Say, for instance, you cast Nightmare Void, and they draw a card… Or do they? Many factors will determine if they actually decide to draw the card, much like the sexy when you Repeal something back to their hand…while attacking with Hypnotic Specter.

Casting Nightmare Void with Storyteller on the table.

Whoa.

That play is, like, surreal, edgy, and profound all rolled into one. It doesn’t even matter who control Storyteller! Too ridiculous. It’s doubly-so with Persecute.

You reach for your library, then pause. “Well… if he calls the right color, he’ll get an extra card for no good reason. Maybe I’ll draw a counter and can save the day. But what if it’s Remand? I’ll be in the same boat next turn. But even if I do draw Remand, he’ll get to draw a card, too, and that can’t be good.”

This level of decision-tree is merely the tip of the proverbial iceberg that is melting all over your “Storyteller <3 beatdown” ass. I suppose Glimpse you, choose ten or eleven. [card name="Sudden Impact"]Sudden Impact[/card], do I get an extra cookie? Here comes Void, what say you?

Heartwood Storyteller could quite possibly become the control player’s best friend, but it all depends on what your definition of “control” is. Quote me.

Who Flash?

When I first heard about Hulk Flash, I wanted to throw up. I knew that some people at Crossroads would be trying out the deck. Lol, I won before you could even take a turn! I wasn’t looking forward to starting all future Legacy decklists with 4 Force of Will.

It reminded me of the Year of the Trix, and the heated debates regarding the banning of Force of Will. Trix is the brokerz, ban Force of Will! Keep in mind that Dark Ritual, Mana Vault, and Necropotence were all legal. Never mind those cards — ban Force of Will! Without a free counterspell in hand, or three as the case usually was, Trix isn’t so god-awful powerful.

My memory could be a little off here, but I recall that when Trix was at its apex, it was beaten in the finals of a high-level event by none other than Three Deuce — a creature deck. Obviously, Trix wasn’t as broken as the turn 1 Academy kills, after all, it still needed four mana to even cast Illusions… Whatever, broken cards and mechanics are very good for the health of the game.

By the way, those of you who like to call Magic a “sport” need to do a pushup or five. I’ve heard “mindgame,” and that pretty much sums it up, ‘cause that’s what it is. In fact, in explaining Magic to the uninitiated, I tell them it’s a combination of poker and chess, not badminton and Parcheesi. They understand my words perfectly: it’s a game where smart people are likely to excel, thus, we won’t like it because it’s filled with geeks.

Finally, as irrefutable evidence of Magic’s “non-sport” status:

The PTQ collective body odor does not come from healthy people.
If morbidly obese people can do it, and do it well, that sh** ain’t a sport.
Where the hell are the stats? Sports have stats!
If it were a sport, there would be collectible cards of famous players.
Well, at least it’s not video games.
Can we get off this non-topic, please?

After a few days of reflection, or calming down as the case may be, I realized that, while Hulk Flash seems quite powerful, it’s not as broken as it appeared at first glance. We’re all about the doom and gloom, and the “20% kill you on turn 0.5” was enough to throw many of us into panic shock waves. Initially, I was in that camp, but after my cooler head prevailed, I came to the conclusion that there are ways to combat the deck, and not all of them must involve 4 Force of Will.

If it kills you on turn 0.5 then it kills you on turn 0.5. That is the aberration, not the norm. Even if you only get, say, two turns, most competitive Legacy decks can, or at least certainly will now, put those turns to good use. From Duress, Cabal Therapy, and Hymn to Tourach, to Wasteland and Sinkhole, Black certainly isn’t going to sit on its hands and be comboed without a fight.

Since I’ve been playing Mono Black In Legacy pretty much for the last year, I took a deep breath and chilled the hell out, for I’ve seen my share of utterly ridiculous openers.

Turn 1 Swamp, Ritual, Duress, and Hymn, turn 2 Sinkhole, turn 3 Shade, Wasteland. If Hulk Flash can fight through that, then more power to it. Granted, it can win before any of the above plays can even happen, and if that does become the norm rather than the freak occurrence, then hell, it won’t take much to add a little Blue and rock the set of Force of Will. And still lose because I didn’t have Force in my opening hand.

I don’t know if Hulk Flash will be the end of the world, but I suspect it won’t. If I’m wrong, and it is indeed the most cruel and unusual deck ever, then I’ll be the one writing the “BAN FLASH!” articles. Or not.

….

What might be one of the best lines I have ever read:

“Your opponent is solving the puzzle of how he should play in the world where [Nezumi] Cutthroat can block.
Zvi, Use His Illusion, July 27, 2005

My mind hurts at the sheer beauty of that statement. Speaking of the devil…

…

The New Zvi

Soon after my return to the game, I realized that Zvi just might be the most perfect Magic mind in history. Perhaps there are others worthy of that title, but to me, the level of depth he brought to the table was unparalleled. Until now.

I am now convinced that Stephen Menendian is the new Zvi. His is one of a short-list of columns that I pencil in as “must-read.”

I dislike Vintage.
Yes, that’s a nice way to put it.

Nevertheless, when I click on a Menendian article, I know that by the end of it, I’ll be picking my jaw up from the floor. Considering that he discusses a format I wouldn’t play under the threat of genital mutilation, surgical reconstruction, and right back at it with the sharp-ass knives, this is no mean feat.

Insight and ideas that I can barely fathom are made tangible, and levels of play so deep and intense are disseminated with both surgeon-like precision and “that teacher that made an impact” communiqué-esque-ness that even a scrub like me feels a fifty-point rating boost on general principle alone.

Communiqué-esque-ness? And yet, you know precisely what I mean.

If The Meanest Decker Ever ever decides to come over to Standard or Extended, the rest of us better watch the f*** out, because it’ll be his format to break into oblivion. In the meantime, I’ll just play a turn 2 Hyppie and think that’s the most broken thing that can possibly be accomplish in Standard.

Wait: turn 1 Hyppie in Standard:

Play Graven Cairns. Remove Simian Spirit Guide to play Rite of Flame. Use one R from Flames to activate Cairns for BB. You now have BBR in your pool omg turn 1 Hyppie in Standard!

Too bad this unmitigated piece of br0kerz just packs it in to Seal of Fire.

Anyway, feel free to gratz me with the “omg man-love with Steve much” posts in the forums. I’m secure enough about my sexuality that it probably won’t make me reply with:

Hey you jerk! I’m not gay, but it’s okay if you are there’s nothing wrong with that some of my best friends are gay I just don’t happen to be and I’m not saying that’s a good or bad thing I’m just sayin’, so stop insinuating that I am, you jerk! P.S. flores is cocky.

…

Things you take to heart:

Moroii: 4/4 flier on turn 3 versus Plague Sliver or Rumbling Slum: 5/5 blocked all day by Paladin en-Vec on turn 3. Let me repeat: 4/4 flier on turn 3. This is what is known as the mutha effin’ beats, dawgs!

Dimir Cutpurse? Yeah, like he’ll live long enough to attack, and even if he does, doesn’t he like, trade with, or chump block, everything? You’re right on both accounts, at least against most of the field. So he eats a burn spell — so would Hyppie. So he’s fragile, has no evasion, blah blah what you think you’re telling me something I don’t know?

A turn 1 Cutpurse is almost exactly the same, if not better, than a turn 2 Hyppie – against the right deck. Say the right deck is a deck riddled with expensive control cards – I might rather have Cutpurse against a deck that is going to get hit twice before Damnation or Repeal mana comes on line. That gives me two extra cards to draw something that’s going to flat-out ruin days. Like Prosecute. Or Void.

Against other decks, it’s pretty much just like you said: he’ll get burned or trade with Savannah Lions or chump block Kird Ape. But, sometimes he won’t; these are the times when he becomes Hyppies five, six, and seven. When you stop to think about it (or when I stop to convince myself), seven Hyppies, Augur, Persecute and Void are quite teh sexy with Hunted Wumpus. Breakthrough card of Regionals much?

Wumpus, a.k.a. the Bumpus Hounds, is a 6/6 on – wait here come the italics so you understand how impressive this is – turn 3, which, now correct me if I’m wrong, but he’ll block and kill every creature in Gruul, and live to tell sans Char, or Sudden Shock post-Solifuge. He dies by Putrefy, Mortify, Slaughter Pact, Condemn and um, that’s about it when you’re talking targeted removal that is likely to be played at Regionals. Damnation kills him, you say. I offer I will STRIP IT FROM THEIR HAND IN ALL CAPS LIKE THIS WAS 2001!

My version:

Me: Wumpus.
You: Drop a speedbump or something of no consequence.

Your version:

Me: Wumpus.
You: Akroma! Hellkite! Nekrataal lol@u!

Whatever, it’s a turn 3 6/6 that arrives after Hyppie got a card or Augur got two. Maybe. That’s the paradigm I wish to believe in, disturbing as it may seem to you. Speaking of disturbing…

The Most Disturbing Film Ever Produced

Oleanna.

Still, thirteen years later.

Augur of Skulls

He’s, like, really cool, but know what’s cooler on turn 2 than a suspended Mind Rot that can be killed? Rise / Fall. Two at random, and you might even have to discard two, too. Homonyms ftw.

Oh, say can you see their hand, well, two cards at least, which is *almost* *kinda* *sorta* synergy with Persecute and Void (and I guess Wumpus). Much like Void, Rise / Fall can serve two purposes: discard and removal, albeit the temporary type. Unlike Void, R to the F can also be Gravedigger, without that annoying 2/2 card-advantage body thrown in.

Voila! There are now zero new cards in my deck, except River of Tears. In fact, some of the cards are so old… how old are they?

Birds of Paradise — Alpha
Elves of Deep Shadow — The Dark
Rise/Fall — Dissension
Hypnotic Specter — Alpha
Call of the Herd — Odyssey
Dimir Cutpurse — Ravnica
Hunted Wumpus — Masques
Persecute — Saga
Moroii — Ravnica
Void — Invasion
Yavimaya Coast, Shivan Reef, Llanowar Wastes — Apocalypse
Gemstone Mine — Weatherlight
Snow-covered Swamp, Forest, Mountain, Island — Ice Age

Average age of each card in my deck: 9.7 years. I just guessed and don’t really care to give an accurate figure, I’m trying to prove a point, which is: they don’t make ‘em like they used to — they make ‘em better, but not so much better that the old school ain’t tryin’ to hear dat. I don’t know what I’m talking about.

And you’re still b*tching about my lack of removal. I have to admit: Jitte spoiled me, for it proved that removal doesn’t just have to remove things, in fact, it better be a Swiss army knife if it wants to make it onto the deck reg sheet. While Void will never be compared in any manner to Jitte, at least it does two things. That’s the Jitte problem: one card best be able to adapt and overcome like it’s Mario Van Peebles in Heartbreak Ridge.

Mario Van Peebles

He is a very good actor. I mean that he is not a very good actor at all. You know they let this guy direct, too? One of his flicks is about, now you better sit down for this:

A racist cop.

Are you still sitting?

The racist cop is white.

Bonus Movie Review

The Last King of Scotland is two hours of my life I’ll never get back. Save your two hours, someday you’ll be glad you have them. Like when you’re on your deathbed and you were supposed to die two hours ago, but you were smart and didn’t watch such a crappy film and now you have two more hours to live thanks to me! What will you do with your last two hours? Start thinking about it now, then discuss in the forums!

Harry Potter 50 and Spiderman 47 are coming out this summer! omg I can’t wait!

i also cant wait to get my braces off and go to junior prom and spend all summer at the mall except i hate when my mom drops me off like right at the entrance im like mom why cant u just like drop me off like right here ya know i can like walk shes like always telling me how I need to like ya know exercise and stuff so like hello this works out for both of us.

Movies blow.
Every single one of them.
Hollywood needs to die.
Except for Alec Baldwin, ‘cause he’s a good dad.
And Kim’s a good mom — she let Rabbit move in with her!
No, the little Baldwin kid will not die of an overdose at age 19.

And this sh** can’t even get me to The Shelter!

Anyway, I’m spoiled by removal, which is why I can’t simply put in 4 Sudden Death. It only does one thing: -4/-4. What about a 5/5? Or pro: Black? Void! I am multitasking personified. Or at least my cards are.

Speaking of being able to moonwalk and shave my own damned back at the same time, how about Stingscourger? Does he make the Rise part broken or what! Bounce a guy, make you discard it and hopefully other things as well, and then bring him back to rinse and repeat. Part of me thinks this is, like, really neat, while the other part, the part that agrees with every reader, is saying “n00b stop playing m@Jik ur teh badness.”

The Joys Of Poking And Prodding

In the last month, I’ve had two trips to the emergency room, two EKGs, a chest x-ray, a stress echo, sonogram, and some other MRI-like test whose initials escape me. I guess this is what happens when you wake up at work on the floor with a bunch of people crouching around saying Hail Marys. Naturally, the doctors test you a little.

I’m playing basketball at work (on my break, you sedentary slacker), and while I’m waiting patiently for someone to retrieve the ball they so carelessly threw out of bounds or something, I felt a sharp pain in my calf. I wheeled around, thinking perhaps someone either threw a rock, or snapped off a couple rounds from dey gat, both of which are highly likely.

Since I am a man personified, I manned up, limped my ass off and finished the game. Three hours later, right before lunch no less, I started to feel, well, weird and surreal. I noticed my calf had swollen to roughly the size of New Hampshire on a school night, and asked a coworker to take me to the hospital.

A couple guys put me in a chair and started to wheel me to the door, and the next thing I know, I woke up on the floor with the aforementioned peeps and more above me, all frantic-like. I had never passed out, but it seemed apparent that’s what had happened — even in times of near death, I’m still Johnny Logic.

Coworker Slapping Me In The Face But Not Too Hard: Stay with me.
Other Coworker Wearing Surgical Gloves: I don’t feel a pulse.

My natural reaction is to reach for my other wrist and feel for a pulse. “Holy sh**,” thought I, “I don’t feel one either.” About thirty seconds later, I came online, or at least my Forge[/author]“]Pulse of the [author name="Forge"]Forge[/author] got its groove on.

So, there’s all these people standing around wondering if I’m going to die or something, and I’m thinking, “wow, this floor is so nice and cool.” Not to mention that the chyk who was holding my head in her hands / lap / something else smelled kinda nice.

I started to laugh, wtf so much, and tried to get up like I’m a cat and I meant to do that. Not the best idea I ever had, so the ambulance comes, we talk about what I might be playing for Regionals, and away we go.

The ER doctor, and later my own personal fella, agreed that I was simply dehydrated and passed out re: drink some freakin’ water, jerky. Leg cramps are a symptom of dehydration, and by the way, that blood pressure medicine I prescribed — it’s a diuretic. Case closed, go home and take it easy for a few days. Misdiagnoses much?

P.S. Is my calf, and below all the way to my foot, supposed to turn blue, yellow, and swell up like Don McLean rewrote “American Pie” after hurricane season? Apparently, I was so “worked up” and “stressed out” over not knowing what the hell was wrong with my leg, that I went and gave myself a panic attack. At least that’s what the other ER doc told me.

I’m not sure I’m totally convinced that’s what it was, especially since panic attacks happen to other people, but when your arms and legs go numb, your temperature drops to 95-point something but you’re still sweating your ass off, can almost feel your internal organs thinking about shutting down, and breathing is a full-time chore, you lie on the bed, take the intravenous and let that hottie tape those leads to your chest and cover you with a warm blankie and make it all better. They say when you’re having a panic attack you feel like you’re going to die. Well, I was pretty sure that’s exactly what was happening, so I tend to believe them, mostly, maybe not “mostly,” but almost 50/50. Because, even though I probably-but-not-ready-to-swear-under-oath had one, panic attacks are for p*ssies.

Poke me more, prod me a little and days of wondering if it hurts when they embalm you later, someone finally realized that “hey, know why his leg’s got more true colors than Cyndi Lauper — ‘cause he tore a muscle in his calf.” All your tests are belong to us, you’re fit as a fiddle, no heart attacks or major dealios for you, JFR here’s vicadin and valium, you’ll be all better in 4-6 weeks.

And my wife, now that I’m “all better” will probably never stop teasing me:

“What do you want for dinner, Panic Attack Boy?”
“Hi, cold, numb and breathless boy, how was work?”
“Did you make it through a whole day without a fake heart attack?”

Still, none of the docs are quite sure why I passed out. Perhaps I was dehydrated too; maybe it was from the pain of the muscle tear; coulda been something else we haven’t considered, blah jump jive and wail.

Moral of the story: I’m not sure, but I bet some of you have had legitimate injuries that led to panic attacks. Because you’re big, whiny p*ssies, just like me.

…

Doesn’t a deck with fourteen discard effects have to like its end against Dragonstorm? I have to think that it stands a chance to do just that. Likewise, doesn’t the disruption seem to bode well against Dralnu and other Blue-based control decks?

On the other hand, Gruul feels as if it wants to play against a deck like mine — if turn 4 is often too slow to wipe the board with Wrath, isn’t it too late for a Void that probably won’t kill all of their guys? Sure, I have guys of my own, but I’m also saddled with a painful manabase and Moroii, who could certainly play Dark Confidant and kill me during my upkeep, especially after a few early beats and a Solifuge to the face.

Alas, this is all theory — heavy playtesting against real people has yet to ensue. For reference, three weeks before Regionals:

I feel pretty good about this deck. Perhaps I shouldn’t, and this deck is truly a pile. However, disruption, as opposed to reaction, feels the proper way to go. Disruption that happens to play the reactive role also appears to be optimal — just maybe the cards aren’t.

Sideboard notes because I know you’re bi-curious:

Sudden Death was for Teferi, but all I have are sorceries (with zero suspenders), so do I really care if he hits the board? Crypt because, since Wizards finally, after 14 years!, made decent graveyard cards. Rough / Tumble is lol-able on two fronts: it’s a good way to off Magus of the Moon, who will hose me six ways from Sunday, and it also wipes away goblin tokens and weenies en masse. Hey, it doesn’t kill my Birds, Hyppies, or Moroii — okay, three fronts — I am even accidentally good at Magic. Naturalize you know, why but I had to write something lest you think I forgot and am a shoddy journalist who doesn’t ask the hard questions.

So, that’s that — 21 days and counting, and Nearly Mono Black In Standard 2007 has become Barely Black In Standard (but with 50% more Black mana symbols), and is subject to change. A forumite or six could offer ideas that may move the deck in any number of directions that I hadn’t considered.

Since it’s nearly impossible for one person, pretty much building and testing in isolation, to outsmart the entire Magic community (except for the time I built that Ichorid deck that every single one of you dumb asses in the entire freakin’ world missed), my eyes and ears will be open to suggestions. Just be nice, k, ‘cause I’m very fragile right now.

Sleeping With Price Valium

I felt “weird” all day, but toughed it out and played in the Legacy event at Crossroads. When you’re playing a Survival variant that involves any number of Recurring Nightmare combos, feeling weird is not a recipe for success. I ended up in the middle of the pack, and I imagine I am no longer among the top 400 Legacy players in the country.

I’m not even going to lick my wounds, instead I’ll finish typing this article (last paragraph, yo!), send it in to Craigers, check out some of GP: Hulk Flash, pop a freakin’ valium for the first time ever just to see how fast it knocks me on my ass or makes my spinal cord melt. Who knows, perhaps I can be the first player in Regionals history to play nine rounds whilst zooted out of my freakin’ mind on vicadin and valium. Now that would make for an interesting tourney report, no?

Near-death experiences ftw,
John Friggin’ Rizzo