My right index finger was three inches deep in my left nostril when I thought of this article title. Unlike most writers, I tend to make up an article title then write around that title, which is actually probably the opposite compared to my peers. I pulled a booger out that was quite unique. Part of it had a premium hardened membrane, with the other containing the average, gooey, liquid-like substance that usually comes out.
“Premium Average Snot,” I thought to myself.
It was early Wednesday morning while I was measuring the length of a particularly long nipple hair when I put two and two together. Now before I continue, I’d like to take note that I’m not that big on chest hair, meaning I don’t have much. What little I do have is partially scattered about my pale white upper chest, completely invisible from a relatively short distance, much like J Evan Dean’s, except I don’t look like a woolly mammoth sweating off a mid-summer’s heat without a shirt on. Quite the opposite, actually. While his is partially scattered in thick clumps of fur, my hairs have not yet thickened to the same extent. However, I’m sure I got him beat on back hair. But Steve Sadin has us beat on both accounts. Both in thickness and consistency, as well as in both chest and back regions.
Such a master.
Back to my nipple hair. It was over an inch long, while the other hairs around the area aren’t half its size. So where did this extremely long nipple hair come from?
I still don’t know, but it led to this article idea. Nothing completely original here… basically, I sifted through all the commons in Lorwyn, sorted them into three neat distinct piles, and commented on each sorted pile and labeled them “Premium,” “Average,” and “Snot.”
The Premium section is sorted with my Top 5 ranking. However, the Average and Snot piles contain no such ranking and are mostly alphabetical.
White (23)
Premium (5)
Oblivion Ring
Goldmeadow Harrier
Neck Snap
Plover Knights
Kinsbaile Balloonist
All of these cards are the cream of the White common crop. The three removalish spells should be picked the highest in draft, and often splashed in other colors. They are a little watered down, but White removal is a good thing and we can’t be too picky. Something of note is that there isn’t a pacifism variant yet, so we have something to look forward to in the next set if tradition holds true.
Plover Knights is quite the five mana 3/3 flier. It seems they keep getting better and better. The Balloonist is a card that I’m quite eager to test out… he’s either really good or not so hot, but my instinct tells me he’s pretty awesome, especially when paired with Green’s endless supply of fatties. Actually, this might be the first time in the history of Magic that G/W will make a formidable archetype in a Limited environment.
Average (10)
Kithkin Greatheart
Kithkin Healer
Avain Changeling
Hillcomber Giant
Kinsbaile Skirmisher
Surge of Thoughtweft
Oaken Brawler
Springjack Knight
Lairwatch Giant
Triclopean Sight
Triclopean Sight is another card that I can’t wait to play. It has more abilities than a Scryb Ranger! Plus it provides a solid answer to any Blue enchantment that stops creatures from untapping in this block. The rest of these are pretty basic dudes. Three mana 2/2 flier, four mana 3/3 and 2/4. The clash 2/1 guy will probably end up in the Snot pile. The Healer is one of the weaker ones in recent memory, but he’s still a healer. It seems like the bulk of the White creatures will be getting into a lot of combat, since they lack both evasion and size for the most part, so the Healer should come in handy.
Snot (8)
Cenn’s Heir
Dawnfluke
Goldmeadow Dodger
Judge of Currents
Shields of Velis Vel
Soaring Hope
Wellgabber Apothecary
Wispmare
These cards either don’t alter the game enough to make a difference, or they’re horribly overcosted, or they just won’t play a healthy role in the grand scheme of Limited games. I’m sure some people will be offended at seeing Goblin Piledriver Jr. in the Snot pile. However, I just can’t see him doing a lot for Limited games. I can really only see him being decent in a Kithkin deck that has thirteen or more Kithkin. Remember, this guy only gets +1/+1 for each other attacking Kithkin. If you attack with two dudes, he’s just a mediocre 2/2. If you attack with another three then you get a bargain two-mana 3/3… but really, how long is that going to last? One or two blocks later, and you’re stuck with the same crappy 1/1 Kithkin idiot.
White also has the largest snot section, which is quite deceptive of Wizards, since a lot of them seem remotely playable to the untrained iris.
Blue (23)
Premium (5)
Silvergill Douser
Streambed Aquitects
Stonybrook Angler
Sentinels of Glen Elendra
Wings of Velis Vel
The premium commons in Blue aren’t that impressive, to say the least. The Aquitects heads out the group with Silvergill right behind it. This is the kind of color that will rely on the tribal theme to carry it to victory, since the premium commons are really only spectacular when you have committed to the Merfolk/Faerie theme.
Average (12)
Zephyr Net
Glimmerdust Nap
Aethersnipe
Whirlpool Whelm
Deeptread Merrow
Faerie Trickery
Inkfathom Divers
Mulldrifter
Pestermite
Ponder
Spellstutter Sprite
Paperfin Rascal
This is a pretty wide range of averageness. At one end you have two bad removal spells and some tempo cards, and at the other you have a 2/1 that costs 2U half the time. Fortunately most of these cards fit the Blue tribal theme, so you won’t have too much trouble getting the necessary dudes. I’m a Blue mage at heart, and seeing this pathetic pile of commons I can’t help but think the King is finally dead. After several years of Blue decks dominating their Limited formats, I believe this common pool is the equivalent to the bad Green commons in TTT draft, and possibly worse.
Aethersnipe could be the next Vedalken Dismisser though. In fact, he deserves to be in the Premium pile. The evoke cost really gives him a lot of versatility, and he’s exactly what Blue needs. Thinking about it more, he is probably the 3rd or 4th Best blue card, but alas, I’ve already gone too far.
Snot (6)
Amoeboid Changeling
Aquitect’s Will
Broken Ambitions
Protective Bubble
Ringskipper
Tideshaper Mystic
These cards just don’t do anything. I suppose you could make a point for the counterspell, and it will probably find its way into your deck if your lacking payables and have a bunch of flash dudes.
Black (23)
Premium (5)
Eyeblight’s Ending
Nameless Inversion
Weed Strangle
Hornet Harasser
Dreamspoiler Witches
In typical Black fashion, we have three quality removal spells followed by two mediocre creatures that transform into removal spells. Hornet Harasser is the Black equivalent to Bogardan Rager, which is a pretty high pick in 10th Edition draft. Dreamspoiler Witches might not be that great, but when it’s paired with Blue you can go crazy with all their flash guys, or at the very least it upgrades Peppersmoke.
Average (11)
Black Poplar Shaman
Boggart Loggers
Footbottom Feast
Moonglove Winnower
Mournwhelk
Peppersmoke
Quill-Slinger Boggart
Skeletal Changeling
Spiderwig Boggart
Thieving Sprite
Warren Pilferers
In the average pile we have even more average creatures. Thieving Sprite is a card I’m pretty interested in. It’s basically a Shrieking Grotesque, unless of course you have the aggro turn 2 Skeletal Changeling to go with it, then it’s a watered down Blackmail. Speaking of names, “Skeletal Changeling.” How stupid and mediocre does that sound? I guess they picked the name well, since the card is the epitome of stupid and mediocre. It’s like the bastard child of Mistform Ultimus with Augur of Skulls. He gained the Changeling chromosome, but sadly the discard ability is a passive trait and we’re left with an awkward looking Skeletal thingy.
Snot (7)
Bog Hoodlums
Boggart Birth Rite
Exiled Boggart
Facevaulter
Nath’s Buffoon
Nightshade Stinger
Scarred Vinebreeder
All of these cards suck. Maybe Nath’s Buffoon is a sideboard card, on the rare occurrence that you get paired against a wicked awesome mage with a potent library filled with problematic elves. I understand the need to put crappy cards in sets, but do they really need to be this crappy? Raise Dead is pretty awful already, and now you’re actually putting a restriction on it with Boggart Birth Rite? I mean really, some poor innocent schmuck who just started playing is going to be coaxed into thinking its a decent card in whatever goblin precon they come out with.
I am quite fond of Facevaulter though. Not for its patented “all-in” ability, but the name is just so striking and fierce.
Mmmhmm.
Headthrower…
Mmmhmmmmm.
Skull-launcher…
Ohhh yeah, that’s nice.
Red (23)
Premium (5)
Lash Out
Consuming Bonfire
Tarfire
Mudbutton Torchrunner
Hurly-Burly
Mudbutton Torchrunner plus Hurly Burly is quite combolicious. But I digress, the only reason Hurly Burly is in the Premium section is its name, which will probably carry it to a 23rd card performance in the next PT-winning Limited deck. Red gets cheap removal like it always has. Nothing new here… however, Mudbutton Torchrunner will probably move up a few slots once people start to realize how good he or she actually is. I’m kind of hesitant to move it up to number two already, since I’ll have nothing to talk about in next week’s article when I make the dramatic claim that its the second-best common in the set.
Average (8)
Adder-Staff Boggart
Axegrinder Giant
Giant’s Ire
Ingot Chewer
Inner-Flame Acolyte
Lowland Oaf
Needle Drop
Stinkdrinker Daredevil
I really like Axegrinder Giant in an “offbeat Fomori Nomad, +1 mana, +2 power” kind of way. Huge dudes are pretty rare on this plane, and a Red Craw Wurm is very welcome in a color with so much cheap instant speed removal. Say they double block him with a 2/2 Kithkin and a 3/3 Kithkin… you can then use your Tarfire on the 2/2 Kithkin, and essentially kill both creatures with that one Tarfire, since the 3/3 is no match for your 6/4 in combat. That’s the kind of thing wet dreams are made of.
Ingot Chewer is also a pretty good man. Dealing with that pesky equipment will be a big part of the Red deck versus Equipment matchup, and this guy is your ace in the hole. Inner-Flame Acolyte is also a pretty nifty dude. However, his Evoke cost is the real cute part about him. He’s like a mini Reckless Charge, which just so happens to be one of my favorite Red cards of all time. Lowland Oaf is another notable creature. However, giving a Goblin +1/+0 will usually only mean you have a two- or three-powered flier that dies at the end of turn. I’m more interested in him being a Hill Giant that’s, um, a Giant. Fills out the curve.
WTF (5)
Boggart Sprite-Chaser
Blind-Spot Giant
Caterwauling Boggart
Smokebraider
Soulbright Flamekin
I created the WTF section because I honestly don’t know how to rate these stupid cards. 48% of the time they will be snot, 47% of the time they will be just average. However there’s another 5% where these cards will shine.
I honestly have no idea how these cards will pan out. Boggart Sprite-Chaser doesn’t seem like a good card because most people will stick to the tribal colors, and U/R doesn’t seem like a worthwhile combination at first glance. Caterwauling Boggart is another tricky one to evaluate. I like the idea of Soulbright Flamekin, but his ability is just so wacky I have no clue how to rate it. I’m thinking it’s a lot like those awful Weaver cards from Invasion block. And if I’m right, he’ll suck. However, he is also an Elemental, so who knows?
Snot (6)
Boggart Forager
Blades of Velis Vel
Faultgrinder
Fire-Belly Changeling
Flamekin Brawler
The only remotely playable card here is Blades of Velis Vel. A lot of players at the prerelease will be sucked into playing this card since it appears to do a lot, but it really doesn’t. I guess you could make a really aggressive R/W deck with a bunch of one- and two-drops, along with the team pump effects from both colors, so maybe that’s an archetype to look out for. Seems to have the necessary tools to make it successful as long as you can get the removal to make it work. Flamekin Brawler sort of combos with Soulbright Elemental as well, so keep your eyes open for both of those gems to come late.
Green (23)
Premium (5)
Kithkin Daggerdare
Battlewand Oak
Nath’s Elite
Lys Alana Huntmaster
Cloudcrown Oak
Green is pretty strong in this block. All of the Green creatures just seem unreal big compared to the crappy P/T ratio of the other colors. Nath’s Elite might be a bit high, but I really think you want at least one in your deck if a good portion of it is Green, since the Green creatures in this set offer very little other than extremely large bodies. I was juggling between putting Lace with Moonglove in the Top 5, but I just can’t see a situation where it will blow the opponent out. If they attack into it you, wait until damage is on the stack to prevent any two-for-one situations, but at the same time all you’re really doing is helping kill a creature while on defense. Not to mention how obvious it will be to identify the trick since there are very few in this set.
Battlewand Oak is already on my favorites list. It reminds me of Soilshaper from Kamigawa, who was another one of my favorite dudes, except he is much easier to get bigger quicker. Lys Alana and Cloudcrown Oak round out the four drops, and with Fertile Ground and Leaf Gilder to accelerate to four drops it can get pretty scary pretty quickly if you’re sitting opposite a Green mage.
Average (12)
Bog-Strider Ash
Elvish Branchbender
Fertile Ground
Fistful of Force
Gilt-Leaf Ambush
Hunt Down
Leaf Gilder
Lignify
Lace with Moonglove
Woodland Changeling
Oakgnarl Warrior
Gilt-Leaf Seer
Green cards are so deceptively mediocre. Big creatures with a cheap price are good and all, but you really want something to back them up. If Hunt Down was an instant it would be a million times better, since you could use it to block their fliers or do something tricky in the blockers step… but it’s not, so it’s pretty average. Lignify seems like it would be the Utopia Vow for the set, but it’s actually much worse, and might be a lot closer to the snot pile than the average pile. The problem is that it creates a four toughness creature, and if you do a quick power count among the commons only a couple of creatures are able to break through without help.
Gilt-Leaf Seer is another card that is really nice in theory, and one I’m pretty enthusiastic to play since its one of those rare Green cards that actually gives you options. I was tempted to put Oakgnarl Warrior in the snot pile. However, upon further examination he would probably kick my butt if I did so. But in all seriousness, he’s freaking huge, and seven mana isn’t that much. Especially with mana producers and Fertile Ground running around.
Snot (6)
Elvish Eulogist
Elvish Handservant
Heal the Scars
Rootgrapple
Spring Cleaning
Warren-Scourge Elf
Funny how all the elves make their way to the snot pile. Perhaps Wizards should do some Spring Cleaning and get rid of this disgraced creature type once and for all. I also don’t understand why Rootgrapple can’t target creatures. It’s not like the trees care what they are killing. It’s perfectly possible that the roots from a giant oak captured a wandering deer or some such. But no, it can only target inanimate objects like a Wanderer’s Twig or Springleaf Drum. They should have named the card Picky Rootgrapple. That way you can at least explain why the roots can’t attack a nearby creature. Stupid trees.
Artifacts (5)
Premium (2)
Moonglove Extract
Runed Stalactite
These cards will be the defining cards for this format. Common Equipment is a very bad idea in my opinion, since it can end up warping the Limited format. With all of the creatures power and toughness so close in this set, all you potentially need to win a game is to make your creatures better than theirs, and Runed Stalactite does that wonderfully.
Moonglove Extract is also an excellent common, and since it’s an artifact removal, I wouldn’t expect to see this go past third pick.
Average (1)
They’ve been better, they’ve been worse. With all the common lands that produce wacky colors I would expect splashes to run rampant in this format, especially since none of the colors seem too powerful. A nice 6-9th pick that will enable splashes, and almost an auto-include in Sealed.
Snot (2)
Herbal Poultice
Springleaf Drum
I just know my first round opponent at the Prerelease is going to play turn 1 Herbal Poultice, have it sit there for 20 turns, then blow me out with it when he plays some kind of Wrath spells and regenerates his best creature. By the time you read this it will have already happened. Condolences and donations are more than welcome in the forums.
…
Animal face off! Who will win? The Polar Bear or the Walrus?!?
The Sanchez Gallery
…
I kind of fancy the formatting of this review. What do you guys think? And in a couple of years I can just abbreviate it to PAS. And then some guy will ask what PAS is in the forums.
Then I’ll tell him it’s those rare boogers that have a hardened shell on one side. Kind of like turtle. They could also be known as Turtle Boogers. In fact, I think I like Turtle Boogers better than Premium Average Snot.
Hmm…
Thanks for reading,
Sanchez
…
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1) La Banlieu – Beirut
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3) Untitled – Beirut
4) A Sunday Smile – Beirut
5) St. Apollnia – Beirut
6) Cherbourg – Beirut
7) Un Dernier Vierre (Pour La Route) – Beirut
8) Cliquot – Beirut
9) The Penalty – Beirut
10) In the Mausoleum – Beirut
11) The Flying Club Cup – Beirut
12) Forks And Knives – Beirut
13) A Call To Arms – Beirut
$) The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson