October 3, 2005
And so it begins. Kinda.
Re: that intro. You’ll get used to it.
Ravnica Imitation Prerelease
October 8, 2005
Crossroad Games
Standish, Maine
Round One:
Wait.
You?
Hey.
Huh?
Sup?
Speak in short and staccato sentences much, do you?
Like I was saying:
Round One:
Dude.
Seriously.
Sup?
I’d provide a link that would explain everything, but that article isn’t, a) done yet, and b) going to be posted for another month or so. However, it is lengthy – world record lengthy, which ought to piss all y’all off to no end.
Allow me to bore you with all that leads up to the event in question, including, but not limited to: waking with a quickie, a shower, getting dressed, another quickie, another shower, getting in the car, driving, stopping at red lights, driving more, parking, getting out the ride, entering the venue, inhaling Magic nerd stench, saying “sup?” a lot, paying my dues, getting paired up, sitting down, and beating the ever loving piss and snot out of my hapless opponent.
No, you don’t care, nor should you, so perhaps I’ll just skip that part. Or maybe we could spend some time on the “quickie” part:
1) Grab the wifey’s ass, or take her hands if you’re a romantic.
2) Peer deeply into her eyes.
3) Whisper “I love you madly.” Wait, that’s only for anniversaries.
4) Shout “gimme a lil’ sumthin’ sumthin’, woman!
5) Take off as little clothing as possible to get you some.
6) Get you some.
7) Replace the “as little clothing as possible.”
8) Issue instructions: “I’ll be late, have dinner waitin’, wear that frilly lil’ get up I like, and clean yerself up, woman!”
9) Leave yer woman to her womanly duties.
10) Get set ablaze while you sleep.
And what the hell is on Joey’s head?
Poor Joey.
Okay.
So.
Um.
frigginrizzo: <- forgets how to do this.
Oh yeah, just type stuff that means nothing to anyone everywhere. Hey, if Jamie C. Whateverfield, Flores and Zvi can do this, anyone can!
I tease them because I heart them in as manly a way as a man can without being too fruity about it.
Ravnica looks neat, let’s eat.
Initial impressions from toying around on Apprentice but without actually touching the cards in my grubby fingers:
Does R/W have enough quality commons for you?
Gee, does B/G as well?
Is this format light enough on removal for you? Or is it just “sneaky and subtle removal under the guise of something other than removal?”
Does that Wurm really cost fifteen?!
The answers are “yep, ditto, obviously, and well, yeah.”
Stinkweed Imp.
Strands of Undeath.
Next month, you can read all about how I invented that, as well as Tim/Fungasaur and Island/Counterspell. If I were the type to brag, I’d mention Fireblast/Mountain/Mountain, but no need to toot my own horn when others will do it for me, and with so much more panache.
After quite a few Apprentice sealed tourneys with myself (still undefeated), a few things popped into my dome, all of which are surely old news to you by now. No need to mention them, then.
From what I’ve heard, and from glancing at spoilers here and there, looks like I didn’t miss too much in the last, gee, ten sets.
Morph block, artifact block and funny-named-creature-block.
Silly me for sneaking back in as soon as Wizards kicks it with the gold. Guess they learned their lesson with Invasion, which, memory serves, was just about the bestest set ever released ever ever ever.
Ravnica appears to be a close second. You doubt, oh how you snicker at me, but dude: dredge. You probably didn’t hear it here first, but you’ll see it here the biggest:
Dredge
Is
Insane
Exclamation point!
It’s likely you disagree, but that’s only because you know I suck at Magic, which, all things considered, is an excellent reason to disagree with me. Kudos.
But it’s nutty. ‘Nuff said.
I’d like to tell you I’m very familiar with the cards, but since I’ve spent the last couple months working on Extended decks (don’t even get me started), I guess I’m not as familiar as you are. Especially since you pony up the herb for the fresh tech, whilst I lumber away at information from last quarter.
The previous sentence is a fragment, Word told me to consider revising. My reply: if ass would consider letting you suck it, suck ass, pls/thx.
States is eighteen days away and I have about five legal cards, all of which are from 9th Edition. Okay, 4x Tribe Elder that I really thought I needed, so I guess that means I have nine.
4 Birds
4 Elder
4 Stone Rain
4 Shock
20 other cards I don’t have
24 Mountains and Forests and Karplusans
Or:
4 Birds
4 Elder
4 Grave Pact
4 Bottle Gnomes
20 other cards I don’t have
24 Swamps and Forests and Llanowar Wastes
Or no:
4 Birds
4 Elder
4 Mana Leak
4 Magpie
20 other cards I don’t have
24 Islands and and Forests and Yavimaya Coasts
Wait! How about:
4 Birds
4 Elder
4 Wrath
4 Blinky
20 other cards I don’t have
24 Plains and Forests and Brushlands
Blinky’s back? Dude! I never used him! But he’s annoying! And White!
Hyppie’s back? Dude! I never used him! But he sucks without Ritual!
Well, I will {emphasis Teddy’s} get a starter and two boosters of the new stuff at the tourney, so with these additional 105 cards, some of which aren’t even lands, I can build a killer Type Two deck!
Sorry States, still love ‘ya, but it’s not personal. Okay, a little.
Why I oughtta… I, um, oughtta review the entire Ravnica spoiler to teach States a lesson. But no. Maybe later.
I remember Invasion sealed, and the tremendous amount of hours I would spend on my knees praying to open U/B/r. But it didn’t matter what you opened, you played U/B/r anyway. Ravnica sealed may also be about spending time on your knees – but for what?
R/W is quick and efficient, B/G is stocked with, ahem, “fat and removal,” (of sorts) while U/B is underhanded, as per usual. Of course, G/W isn’t to be ignored, much like R/B, R/G, U/W and every other freakin’ combination ever.
Invasion had the tappy duals.
Ravnica has Time-Walk-for-your-opponent lands.
Invasion had friendly-color 2/2s for 2.
Ravnica has funky mana symbols that remind me of Prince.
Invasion had Armadillo Cloak.
Ravnica has Moldervine Cloak.
Invasion had Draco, at a cost of 16.
Ravnica has Big Daddy Wurm, at a cost of 15.
There are eight letters in “Invasion.”
“Ravnica” has only seven.
Do you need me to draw you a picture?
Sike.
Psyche.
Or not.
By the way, Big Daddy Wurm, at 10GGGWW, is unplayable. If he cost 10GWGWGW, then okay. Wizards missed that one big time, huh?
It’s 12:37 in the A.M., and I’m writing a report for an event that won’t take place for another four or five days, depending on if you count today as Tuesday morning or Monday night. And while we’re on the subject, let’s get off the subject and talk some freakin’ Magic, k?
I don’t know much about Magic.
Never did.
I am quite bad at:
Playing.
Deckbuilding.
Registering decks.
Shuffling.
Calling judges.
Shaking hands after the match.
Snapping candid photos.
You could say, and I know you will, that I suck at Magic. But unlike others who suck at Magic but seek to surround themselves with others who suck even worse, thereby not sucking at Magic by association, I stand tall, shoulders square, in a b-boy stance, and proudly declare:
Yep, I suck at Magic.
So you should beat me then. All of you. Beat me all of you! In hundreds of sanctioned matches, I managed to win a few, actually better than half. This must mean I radiate mana screw. Well, yeah, but may there be other cosmic forces at work? How is it that a self-professed sucker of Magic can have a positive expectation when he sits down to play?
‘Tis our ol’ pal, the law of large numbers – or the law of averages to those who don’t understand why the lottery balls and dice and roulette wheel have no memory. But enough of my dazzling treatise on probability and whatnot, we’re talkin’ Magic, and the fact that I suck at it is no longer germane to the conversation.
‘Cause That Was Then, This Is Now and Tex and Rumble Fish and The Outsiders and every S.E. Hinton book/movie you’d care to name.
I get to start all over, fresh and new, with the sexy card smell wafting like roses and candles and the rotting flesh of zombies that regenerate. This time I won’t suck so much, I think. Maybe.
Round One:
I mean it this time, seriously. Wait, no I don’t. The eggs have soccer games on Saturday, which may or may not be concluded in time for my ass to arrive at the scheduled hour. If not, that sucks, ’cause doesn’t everyone want to show up late and putz around for an hour until enough peeps drop out to draft?
But oh: rare draft! No, that would never, ever, ever happen on the day the brand new set is released. Never.
frigginrizzo: <-will rare draft with little or no provocation.
Or not.
Or maybe; gotta get the cards I need for extended somehow, and if it comes at the expense of the table, then que sera dawgs.
All right, I won’t rare draft, unless I see Life From the Loam or Golgari Grave-Troll, then maybe. Or the duals, which can be seriously sexy trade bait. I wonder if those are on the Super Duper List Of Cards To Horde, by Benjamin Bleisweiss or however-you-spell-it-too-lazy-to-look-it-up-and-it’s-premium-anyway-but-I’ll-find-out-in-ninety-days.
frigginrizzo: <-once traded 4 [card name="Underground River"]Underground River[/card] for 4 [card name="Fyndhorn Elves"]Fyndhorn Elves[/card].
I wanted those Elves.
October 4, 2005
This is the part where I tell you how much new stuff I figured out about Ravnica that you haven’t, because I’m sooper smart and you aren’t. Such as:
Blockbuster is the name of a chain of nationwide video stores.
Drooling Groodion has a lot of ohs.
“Hex” was originally “Heh,” but the “six target creatures” deal was just a little too perfect to be called “Heh.”
I’m sure someone has already done this. I’m sure someone has already done this. I’m sure someone has already done this. Seeds of Strength.
Huge casting cost Red rares keep getting better and better.
Dear Jamie C. Whateverfield,
Thank you for your tireless lobbying on behalf of Green. Now that Green’s been great for the last, oh, five years, what might be your next cause célèbre? Just wondering.
Love,
Red Mages Everywhere
Warp World gives Red mages fits!
That will make much more sense next month.
I’m off to playtest my Extended deck, which you can read all about next month. Or, if you can hack my computer, right now, since after I test, I’ll write some stuff in the Extended report, which is conveniently open in a separate browser window.
Q. Why am I the only one who thinks this is funny?
A. Because it’s only funny to you.
I had a cute little Hold ‘Em analogy-type deal here, but decided to put it in the other article. Heh on the Time-Space Continuum.
October 5, 2005
Looks like, unless torrential downpours are in the immediate future, which cancel the eggs’ soccer games at very bad times of the day, I’ll be stuck showing up late and rare drafting to my heart’s content.
I not only have to write a report about showing up late and rare drafting to my heart’s content, but somehow make it not read like a guy who showed up late and rare drafted to his heart’s content.
Soccer.
Seven hundred yard field.
Eighteen thousand players on said field at the same time.
Four hundred million minute game.
For a 0-0 tie.
Exciting.
Oh, and you can’t use your hands.
They tried to hook my generation back when I was in my formative years; fortunately for my generation, it didn’t take. And I didn’t form.
Soccer = fun to play I guess for about ten minutes.
That’s just because you don’t understand it.
No, I get it: kick the ball in the opposing net.
No, it’s much more complicated than that.
Would it be okay if I stripped you naked and chained you to a wall?
That sounds terrifying.
That’s just because you don’t understand it.
This segues into:
“Before you point it at me, there is the possibility/You better turn that thing around.”
-Three to the One to the One
Why does this take me back to the days of high school post-gym class showers and random teen awkwardness? I hope it can do the same for you.
“Do ya’ wanna, wanna go where I’ve never let you before?”
Gee, what do you think they mean by that?
New Contest! Everyone Can Enter! Everyone Can Win!
If you can fill in the blank in the following lyric, you can win! Ready? Get set! Go:
“We will, we will ____ you.”
Hints:
It’s a song by Queen.
It was the b-side to “We Are the Champions.”
The name of the song is “We Will Rock You.”
The answer is “rock.”
Good luck!
If you think you have what it takes to be a contest winner, follow these instructions to collect your prize:
- email Mail us at https://sales.starcitygames.com/contactus/contactform.php?emailid=2 and ask for their mailing address
- package up about thirty tournament-quality common and uncommon cards from the last ten sets or so (the sets I don’t have)
- send said package to star city games
- they will send said package to me
And that’s all there is to it!
Dear Rizzo,
Did you forget about Dre?
Love,
Ichorid
Okay, yeah, Extended. I likes ya’, dawg. Lemme tell y’all about Extended, and how I thought I did myself a’might proud. ‘Tis a painful story, but at least I can say I learnt me a lesson.
Feel free to skip the next 20 pages or so until you see some rather large and angry text. If you do, you won’t know why. But if you don’t, and read on through, you will see how truly ass I am. You may think it’s some wacky frigginrizzo joke or some such. But it’s not. Prolly ought to just skip to down there and save yourself, and me, the utter humiliation that is my life (or was back in August).
This is your last chance: click here.
Really, this is your last and final chance! Click here to avoid it all! [No complaining in the forums if you didn’t click. He warned ya. – Knut, adding his own]
Okay, you asked for it: ten minutes of your life you’ll never get back.
Late July to early August, 2005
Hmm, Extended decks I remember: Trix, Sligh, Oath, Benzo, Stasis, Jamie C. Greenfield.dec, The Rock and His Millions… Ooh, let’s take the foundation of a good deck and Rizzo it up:
//NAME: The Riz and His Onions
4 Birds of Paradise
4 Llanowar Elves
4 Duress
3 Vampiric Tutor
2 Terminate
4 Yavimaya Elder
4 Blastoderm
1 Masticore
3 Creeping Mold
2 Deranged Hermit
2 Phyrexian Plaguelord
2 Spiritmonger
1 Plague Wind
1 Ghitu Fire
8 Forest
5 Swamp
4 Llanowar Wastes
4 Gaea’s Cradle
1 Mountain
1 Plains
Turn 2 Elder: the ultimate threat card: The Shock Catcher. The Green Moat. Propaganda With Legs. Academy Rector wishes he was this scary.
Then along come fatties on turns 3, 4 and more. Of course, for every time that happens, you’re stuck with an opening hand of Monger, Hermit, Plaguelord, Land, Land, Plague Wind, Land.
Acceleration is ass when it doesn’t show up to accelerate. Oooh! A turn 6 Elf! Elvish Lookout!
Yeah, I know about that 3/2 regen-can’t-touch-‘dis guy. But we can only play with the cards we’re dealt. Or own.
Best.
Elimination.
Ever.
Okay, try this:
//NAME: Deck That Rules Or Sucks But Nothing In Between
4 Vampiric Tutor
4 Duress
4 Cabal Ritual
4 Phyrexian Arena
4 Nether Spirit
4 Contamination
3 Mutilate
4 Chimeric Idol
4 Corrupt
3 Consume Spirit
22 Swamp
Turn 2 Arena, pal. That used to be good, not sure if it still is. Sligh likes it though, I bet.
How to go 8-0 with the above deck:
Don’t play against Swamps.
Or counters.
Or Sligh.
Or friggin’ White.
Probably not elves and birds either.
Surely I jest. Or maybe I don’t. But a turn 4 Contamination lock will shut down just about everything. Except Swamps, elves and birds, artifacts (is Masticore still good?), free spell stuff, or any enchantments that are friggin’ white.
Hey, isn’t that what Mutilate is for – to kill elves and birds? Dude, stop applying logic to a Rizzo deck, for logiciticians need not apply. But those who can correctly spell “logicicititiatician” should.
Still. Turn 2 Arena, tough guy. Fun. Just like this:
//NAME: Kitchen Table Or Bust
4 Brainstorm
4 Lay of the Land
4 Worldly Counsel
4 Evasive Action
1 Vindicate
1 Tribal Flames
4 Harrow
4 Sunscape Familiar
4 Allied Strategies
2 Collective Restraint
2 Channel the Suns
1 Global Ruin
1 Restock
1 Draco
1 Bringer of the Green Dawn
1 Bringer of the Blue Dawn
1 Palinchron
1 Legacy Weapon
8 Forest
5 Island
2 Mountain
2 Plains
2 Swamp
Like I really own Channel and the Bringers, but hey, funnest deck ever. Well, close. Problem: it’s ass. And even I knowz it. Well, when all else fails, play Red. For I hear Red mana owns.
//NAME: Red Mana Owns
3 Grim Lavamancer
4 Shock
4 Cursed Scroll
4 Fire / Ice
4 Stone Rain
4 Pillage
2 Molten Rain
3 Urza’s Rage
2 Avalanche Riders
2 Rathi Dragon
1 Lightning Dragon
3 Masticore
14 Mountain
4 Rishadan Port
4 Wasteland
2 Ghitu Encampment
Is it possible for a human being to suck at building a mono-Red deck more than I do? No question mark because that was rhetorical. But hey, at least I took out the four Ravenous Baboons. Okay, what about White?
//NAME: Forgot About Dre?
4 Savannah Lions
4 Leonin Skyhunter
4 Soltari Priest
4 Silver Knight
4 Soltari Monk
4 White Knight
4 Warrior en-Kor
4 Crusade
4 Ramosian Rally
3 Reverent Mantra
3 Abolish
18 Plains
Ramosian Rally: Overrun for White! Reverent Mantra. I’ll wait while you go look that one up. Check Abolish while you’re there. Play dudes, make them bigger and win! Sometimes. Wait…how about:
//NAME: The Worst Deck Ever
4 Spindrift Drake
4 Sarcomancy
4 Carnophage
4 Jackal Pup
4 Goblin Patrol
4 Pouncing Jaguar
4 Savannah Lions
3 Skyshroud Ridgeback
2 Isamaru, Hound of Konda
4 Giant Growth
4 Rancor
4 Rites of Initiation
4 City of Brass
4 Thran Quarry
4 Archaeological Dig
2 Tarnished Citadel
The good news is that you always have a first-turn, two-power guy. The bad news is that’s all you’ll ever have. When the rules gurus errata tournaments to “he who plays the first two-power guy automatically wins,” that is the day I will accept your thanks for breaking the format.
Until then, the better news is that the game will be over by turn 5. One way or the other, usually the other.
Gee, the new expansion prerelease is on Sunday, July 31.
At Crossroads Games.
In Standish, Maine, USA.
I know where that is.
Oh, wait: it’s for something called “VS.” Hey, that’s not Magic.
Props: Prereleases.
Slops: Prereleases that aren’t Magic.
I spend most weekends at the beach with the eggs – two words:
Dear Young Hotties,
Please stop getting tattoos on the small of your back please hurry and get them removed that’s so sexy and I love you all and I can’t take it and it hurts to look at you so get them removed or cover them up or don’t and please come to my house and be my mistress and we’ll use each other until one of us gets bored or someone catches us and this results in me getting divorced and cursed by everyone and I’ll never ever ever ever ever get to have sex with an 18 year old hottie with a tat on the small of her back so don’t go to the beach when I’m there because it takes me all week to recover and you’re there the next weekend too and yes I’m married and isn’t that what 18 year old hotties find attractive a married guy in a mid-life crisis eager to risk everything for approximately four minutes of mild pleasure I have to stop now before I start to cry again.
Love,
Johnny The Grass Is Always Greener
Four things I’ve always wanted to do:
- play a net deck
- intentional draw
- intentional draw while playing a net deck
- all of the above while nude
The last sanctioned tourney I attended, States ’03, resulted in a 4-4 record. I played a deck that contained two spells, both of which were Raise Dead. I still think that’s funny. But not for the guys that lost to a guy who’s deck contained a mere two spells, both of which were:
Raise Dead
B
Sorcery
Heh.
The year before I went 4-3 with a deck that contained well over 300 cards.
300+ Card Deck
Wholebunhcamana
Instant
Target player uses search card to pull particular card from deck, after which, target player shuffles monstrous deck. Or just cuts the friggin’ thing in half and says “done.”
I wonder if I have to get a new DCI number? Gosh, if my number expired due to the “hasn’t played in a sanctioned event” in quite a while, that would be a pity. Yes, to start anew; a minty, virgin 1600 – which in my case could possibly represent a substantial points profit – is akin to being granted a second chance; a chance to succeed in life, love and maybe even get laid once in a while.
Many Magic peeps were -20 when I was their age. And if that isn’t a sobering thought, well, keep drinking.
My DCI number is still valid. Damn, what’s a brother gotta do to not suck at Magic? See for yourself, I really was/am/aspire-to-remain really awful:
DCI # 22519306
While there, I peeped Extended dates; dude, October and stuff! All right, I have like two months to build and perfect a deck!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHHAHHH
“build” and:
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOOOLOLOLLOLOOOLLLLLLLOOOOLOLOLOLLOL
“perfect” and:
heh
Foresight is just a deck-thinning cantrip for 1U.
Have some of this:
//NAME: Some Of This.dec
4 Brainstorm
4 Raven Familiar
4 Thirst for Knowledge
4 Intuition
4 Aluren
4 Cavern Harpy
1 Priest of Gix
2 Soul Warden
2 Stroke of Genius
4 Mana Leak
4 Counterspell
1 Foil
2 Chrome Mox
9 Island
7 Forest
4 Yavimaya Coast
You know what it does, and how. You may also know that the combo is unstoppable when it starts. Mostly, I think, but I’m pretty sure, sorta. Furthermore, you may also know that said combo can be pulled off at opponent’s end of turn, or during your upkeep or discard phase or during combat or whenever the hell you feels like it, dawg.
Me: Land, go.
You: Forest, Birds, Black Lotus, Black Lotus, go.
Me: Land, go.
You: Ancient Tomb, Ritual, Ritual, Ritual, Verdant Force, Verdant Force, go.
Me: Dude, nice! Land, Mox, Aluren, Stroke you into the loser’s bracket. By the way, here’s your friggin’ token guys!
Aluren/Rishadan Cutpurse/Cavern Harpy:
Pay some life, or as much as required for target player to sacrifice every friggin’ permanent he or she has in play. Or gain infinite life with a Soul Warden in play. Okay, a little too mean. And too sick.
Red Mana Owns! Soul Warden is a fatty!
Hey, it was either this or a six-hundred-eighty-card monstrosity, which was very fun to shuffle.
Sideboard
4 Chill
3 Hibernation
3 Reverent Silence
2 Energy Flux
2 Arcane Laboratory
1 Thran Foundry
I suck at sideboarding.
And Magic.
And life.
Still.
Perhaps I should list that six-hundred-plus deck. Or not. Or truncate:
4 Academy Rector
4 Battle of Wits
4 The enchantment that says if you have 50 life you win
4 Celestial Convergence
100+ life gaining cards
100+ counters, search cards and drawing
lotsa creatures that gain life or search
300+ land
Celestial Convergence.
As much as I longed to go on record as the guy who played the largest Constructed deck ever in a sanctioned tournament, I kinda didn’t want to be the guy who carried around a thirty seven pound deck all day. Even if it did contain 4 Healing Salve. And 4 Venerable Monk.
Blinding Flash Of The Obvious Alert:
Academy Rector + Mask of the Mimic = bah-ro0o0o0o0o0-ken.
Mask of the Mimic
U
Instant
Search your library for an enchantment that wins you the game and put it into play. As an added bonus, go get another Academy Rector, and put that son of a bitch into play as well.
“I try to use cards that are effective every time I draw them and [Mask of the Mimic] isn’t even close.”
-Mark Justice, “Magic: The Gathering Advanced Strategy Guide,” 1998
He’s right, but cheesy combos are so wrong. And certainly, you should not even, ever, never think about adding a Pattern of Rebirth to the mix. Ow. Ch.
Feel free to play my net deck if you like.
“[Net decks] are usually better than anything you could have come up with yourself. Of course, this only applies to those of you who are concerned with winning at all costs (including fun).”
-Nathan Peter Heiss, Magic Theory: The Uno Principal
One of two reasons I like Mr. Peter Heiss. The other is he has many names. Okay, three: he also collected hundreds of foilies from peeps and sent them to me.
Jhugs Nate
Jhugs Becky. JAnd Jill. JAt the same time.
BRB
AFK
::ten minutes later::
frigginrizzo: <-smoking.
When the hell is Extended season again?
July 30, 2005
Okay, I like to tweak. And so do you. Ergo:
//NAME: Some More Of This.dec
4 Brainstorm
4 Mana Leak
4 Counterspell
4 Thirst for Knowledge
4 Intuition
4 Aluren
2 Stroke of Genius
4 Cavern Harpy
4 Raven Familiar
2 Soul Warden
2 Cloud of Faeries
1 Maggot Carrier
7 Island
7 Forest
4 Yavimaya Coast
2 Underground River
1 Treva’s Ruins
I just realized I own zero Chrome Moxen. Or Thirst for Knowledge. But that’s another issue.
Moxen are ass when you have the free faeries. Priest of Gix is ass compared to Maggot Carrier. Kinda. And wouldn’t it be nice to actually be able to cast everything if it came right down to it? Well, yeah.
Sideboard
4 Chill
3 Hibernation
3 Reverent Silence
2 Rebuild
2 Energy Flux
1 Thran Foundry
Artifacts, shmartifacts. Put them away. Still, “Thran” is a cool word.
Thranscape Familiar
Thran, Goblin Nabob
Thran’s Goblin Raiders
Jamie C. Thranfield
Q. How often do you intend to open land, Treva’s Ruins and five spells?
A. About half the time.
Treva’s Ruins. Heh on me for even thinking of that. But idea:
Treva, Sucky Dragon
3GWU
Legendary Creature (okay) – Dragon
6/6
Flying
Whenever Treva, Sucky Dragon deals combat damage to a player, you may pay 2W. If you do, choose a color. You gain 1 life for each permanent of that color.
You “may” pay 2W. As if not paying is even remotely possible! It’s almost as good as a Spirit Link! If Spirit Link cost 2W and required you to choose a color and Wizards finally got something right: “combat damage,” which prevents you from putting on a Hermetic Study and gaining ridiculous life end-of-turn!
Kudos to Wizards for the extensive playtesting, which revealed the utter brokenness of Treva that would have wreaked havoc on kitchen tables all across America, nay, the world!
Pow.
Bam.
Boo.
Ya.
Isn’t it funny that we think a 6/6 flyer for six can possibly suck? That’s how freakin’ amazing Invasion was. That we think a 6/6 flyer for six with no drawbacks can possibly suck.
Dear Hotties With Tongue Studs,
Why is it you think a tiny metal ball rubbing along the underbelly of my Irving P. Shankman is something I will find pleasurable?
Love,
Johnny Never Had Hottie With Tongue Stud
August 3, 2005
Altoids hurt my teeth. And non-diet cola hurts my stomach. Yep, gettin’ older. But I still awake every morning with a stiffy, which eventually gives way to a semi, then to the original flaccid state.
Stiffy.
Semi.
Flaccid.
I wish I was a girl.
Yep, still awake every morning with an urge to watch a Julia Roberts movie, which eventually gives way to watching Oprah, then to worrying about osteoporosis.
How come girls are so retarded?
Never can admit when they just farted
How come girls can’t pass the inspection?
Never can admit they got a yeast infection
How come girls are hotly debated?
Never can admit they’re just constipated
How come girls always in psychosis?
Are they just worried about osteoporosis?
I was seventeen when I wrote that. Forgive me. But damn, that’s good.
Seen any good movies lately? Nope, me neither. At least we can look forward to Kaufmann and Mamet flicks every couple years. The screenwriting is going fantastic, thanks for asking. You bastards.
But I still suck at Magic. And that should put a smile on your faces.
Kid: I suck at Magic.
Other Kid: But not as bad as Rizzo.
Kid: Thank you, true friend; that puts a smile on my face.
Other Kid: You’re welcome; happy to oblige.
Kid: Aren’t semi colons fun?
Other Kid: Yes; they are.
Point: no matter how much you suck at Magic, there will always, and I mean always, be someone who sucks worse. And that someone is me.
Point: no matter how many semi colons you use, there will always, and I mean always, be someone who uses more. And that someone is Anthony Alongi.
Heard any good music lately? Nope, me neither. At least we can look forward to… Well, there’s always…?
“You never want to lose to a single card, much like the TOGIT Affinity deck lost to Platinum Angel in game 1. If they would have had a 1-of creature sweeper (reset button), maybe they would have won some of those games where the Angel got out.”
-Nathan Peter Heiss
I looked her up and, um? What does Some Of This do against Platinum Angel? Or why wasn’t this card white with protection from other people?
Blinding Flash Of The Obvious Alert:
The Platinum Angel player – screw it, because how many Platinum Angel decks can there be? One, ten, a thousand?
frigginrizzo: <- doesn't know.
Who the hell knows? You do, all of you do. And none of you will tell me. I wouldn’t listen anyway, so kudos to all y’all.
I had a big paragraph about Angel that was just a little off-kilter, mostly because I misread the card text as:
“You can’t lose the game and your opponents can’t lose the game.”
Or something that led me to believe that the guy who played Angel couldn’t actually win the freakin’ game while it was out (couldn’t lose either, but whatever) so he’d have to figure a way to bounce it or kill it or otherwise get rid of it to win. I even suck at reading cards.
Q. What does Some Of This do against Platinum Angel?
A. Beats it before it comes out.
Q. What if you don’t?
A. Then I lose. Duh.
Q. What if they play Angel, then simply let you deck yourself?
A. Then I lose, with the added bonus of humiliation. Duh.
Q. Why not search the net for Angel decks and do some reconnaissance?
A. I only have dial up.
Q. Are you serious?
A. Kinda.
Q. What was the point of the last ten paragraphs?
A. I only have dial up.
Dear You,
If you have Angel and more counters than me, you win.
Love,
Johnny Dial Up
Seriously, 56K modem
Idea: against any deck without counters, combo the bastards to death with impunity. If they have counters, pretend you have a clue as to how to play against counters, then, if they truly suck at Magic more than you truly suck at Magic, combo the bastards to death. Or brings beatz!
Fifteen pages and I probably won’t even go to any Extended PTQs, thus, this will have been a waste of time. But you’ll never know.
Q. If I write an article then don’t go and don’t send it in, would anyone read it?
A. That’s like, deep.
I am actually very good at Magic. I’ve spent the last three years honing my skills in secrecy. I stay current, my collection is up to date, and my game is top-notch and sharp as a razor.
tee hee
Maybe I can play a Fish deck! Nah, know why? Perhaps a vignette from Adaptation to help me explain:
Laroche: F*** Fish.
Orlean: But why!?
Laroche: Done with fish.
Here I was, waiting years to write another article just so I could throw that in. Kinda wasn’t the thrill I expected.
Silk: How long has he been with that girl?
Pincus: Which girl is that?
Silk: His wife.
Pincus: “How long” is a chinaman’s name.
Bobby: Ever notice that – “how long” is a chinaman’s name?
Mamet is God. But has he ever come up with stuff like:
Bad times for Becky
Swing from these
Have a carrot
Actually, the first is attributable to Becky Hiebert (swoon, swoon) while Uncle Aaron Forsythe takes credit for two and three. See, I steal an obscure saying and pawn it off as my own.
“…read some obscure passage and pawn it off as your own?”
-Matt Damon, Good Will Hunting
“Do I have an original thought in my head, my bald head?”
-Nicolas Cage, Adaptation
August 05, 2005
//NAME: Bad Times For Timmy
4 Llanowar Elves
4 Birds of Paradise
4 Rofellos, Llanowar Emissary
4 Viridian Zealot
4 Yavimaya Elder
4 Emperor Crocodile
4 Blastoderm
4 Lumbering Satyr
3 Child of Gaea
3 Masticore
1 Penumbra Wurm
1 Thorn Elemental
16 Forest
4 Gaea’s Cradle
Doesn’t that look like fun? I know, I know: maybe I actually should add a Craw Wurm or Force of Nature.
Presenting, for the first time ever: a deck that kicks the hell out of any opponent that offers absolutely no resistance. “Resistance” in this case refers to “played a friggin’ creature” or “killed my guy” or “did anything other that discard because he was mana screwed.”
//NAME: Stompy, Or Not
4 Cursed Scroll
4 Rancor
2 Explosive Growth
4 Giant Growth
4 Pouncing Jaguar
4 Wild Dogs
4 Llanowar Elves
4 River Boa
4 Wild Mongrel
4 Kavu Titan
2 Rofellos, Llanowar Emissary
4 Albino Troll
12 Forest
4 Gaea’s Cradle
I have recently rediscovered the joy that is Rofellos. Play with him awhile if you’re not completely in love with him. I mean, well, you know, if he ever gets active (ever!) he’s like, real, real good.
Rofellos = turn 4 Verdant Force. Or, if you’re in serious beatdown mode: turn 4 Hurricane for seven!
Don’t add a bird or elf or a bird and elf, because you wouldn’t want a turn 3 Verdant or turn 3 Stream of Life for 7! OMG! LOL!
frigginrizzo: <- invented equipment and flashback.
August 7, 2005
//NAME: Why Do I Suck At Magic Dot Dec
4 Duress
4 Skittering Skirge
3 Rancid Earth
4 Rain of Tears
4 Tangle Wire
4 Chimeric Idol
4 Phyrexian Arena
2 Befoul
4 Mutilate
4 Corrupt
21 Swamp
2 Cabal Coffers
The answer is: I don’t know. I just do.
//NAME: I Don’t Know, I Just Do
4 Carnophage
4 Dauthi Slayer
4 Skinthinner
4 Shepherd of Rot
4 Crypt KEEPER
3 Lord of the Undead
3 Intuition
3 Undead War, Chief
4 Grave Defiler
4 Gempalm Polluter
12 Swamp
4 Unholy Grotto
4 Tainted Isle
3 Underground River
Intuition for 3 Gemplams + Grotto + lots of zombies in play =
Which is the lesser sum of “heh” and “LOL!?”
//NAME: Every Shadow Guy Ever Printed
4 Soltari Priest
4 Soltari Monk
4 Dauthi Slayer
4 Dauthi Horror
Stop Right There! Whew, that was close. Idea!
Cards I really enjoyed using in sanctioned tourneys:
Recoil
Ichorid
Nightscape Familiar
Millikin
Deranged Hermit
Ichorid
Charging Troll wearing a Cloak
Repulse
Lithophage
Lin-Sivvi
Braids
Ichorid
Urza’s Rage
Child of Gaea
Ichorid
Parallax Wave
Plus a random assortment of lands could equal… Someone send me a net deck with instructions on how to play the damn thing.
Why it’s great to be a guy:
1) Doggie style.
2) You can urinate while moonwalking.
3) Your buddy will pull your finger, even when you’re 50.
4) You get to use a chainsaw.
5) There will always be 18 year-old girls.
7) There’s always the possibility of a threesome, however remote.
8) You don’t need a mirror to examine your genitalia.
9) You get to feed her ice chips; she gets to push.
11) You could fake an orgasm if you want, but why would you want?
12) You can tell your buddy his wife is hot, and he’ll thank you.
14) You don’t sit by the phone wondering if she’ll call.
16) Craftsman tools come with a lifetime warranty.
19) You don’t need a special outfit for every holiday.
20) A 200lb hairy body doesn’t thrust into your pelvis.
22) You know a full house beats a flush.
23) Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III and Rocky IV.
24) Friends greet you with a handshake, not air kisses.
26) Furniture doesn’t need to be rearranged every three months.
27) A flat tire isn’t the end of the world.
29) Okay, Rocky V, too.
//NAME: Untitled Dude
4 Cursed Scroll
4 Savannah Lions
4 Soltari Priest
4 Silver Knight
4 Soltari Monk
4 White Knight
4 Warrior en-Kor
4 Crusade
4 Tangle Wire
4 Abolish
20 Plains
Do you recall how Tangle Wire was an absolute beating? I do.
//NAME: Sucky Deck Made Worse
4 Cursed Scroll
4 Ruby Medallion
4 Manakin
3 Earthquake
4 Stone Rain
4 Pillage
4 Tangle Wire
4 Avalanche Riders
2 Masticore
3 Covetous Dragon
16 Mountain
4 Rishadan Port
2 Wasteland
2 Barbarian Ring
For the next two weeks, I’ll be using 4 Tangle Wire in every deck I build. Until I realize it really isn’t as good as I remember. But it is. Which is why I’ll put it in every deck for the next two weeks.
I am bad.
At Magic.
Playtesting.
Or lack thereof.
Driving to tourney sites.
Not dropping my deck in the toilet.
But think of it this way: who else do you know who so freely admits their complete inability to not suck at Magic? S’what I thought.
August 8, 2005
Prediction:
Tangle Wire Will Define The Extended Season!
Or maybe it won’t.
Here I go again, with that ol’ philosophical approach and whatnot.
Okay, got Brainstorm in the one-mana slot, Thirst For Knowledge and Intuition in the three-mana slots; what about the deuce? Because boy isn’t it fun to have a glut at the three-spot.
Okay, what costs 1u and is better that Thirst, ie:
Turn 1 Brainstorm
Turn 2 what-is-better
Turn 3 Intuition
Turn 4 Aluren Hope Hope And Win
Foresight is just a deck-thinning cantrip for 1U.
Accumulated Knowledge? Words of Wisdom?
Words gives the bad guy a card – con.
But gets me two cards deeper – pro.
But Thirst gets three – con.
But it’s a turn sooner – pro.
And fits the curve better – pro.
And I get to keep them both – pro.
And helps more against land kill – pro.
Incidentally, no one better play any land destruction decks, especially if they get to go first. Bad times, Becky, nay?
5 pros, 2 cons. Hmm.
Fits the curve – pro.
A turn sooner – pro.
Gets better with age – pro.
No discarding – pro.
But only 1 card on turn 2 – con.
And only 2 the next time – con.
And sucks against Planar Void – con.
Kinda bad if the bad guy has AKs also – con.
Thus: Thirst For Knowledge is better than Accumulated Knowledge. At least when the games don’t figure to hit “the long run” or “mid game.” So there.
But is Words of Wisdom better than Thirst?
Why not just Peek? Or Opt? Or Whispers? Doesn’t this improve the amount of end-of-turn 1 plays? Doesn’t it help me considerably by tying up only one mana, allowing more mana for counters? True, Peek is a 1-for-1, as is Whispers – never gettin’ to the end game, dawgs – but Opt kinda, sorta, a little, somewhat, maybe, gets you two cards deeper. Kinda.
Thirst For Knowledge is better than Peek and Whispers. See above argument about “the long run.” Or wait: maybe I should try to take the games deep into the deck. Maybe this is the kind of deck that can take advantage of tapping six-mana e-o-t to buyback.
Nope, isn’t. And even if it is, I’m not that kind of guy.
But Opt. Man, kinda torn. Serum Visions too. Heh, I have to open up Apprentice to remember what that card does.
BRB
Doo doo doo doo/doo doo doo. Doo doo doo doo/doo, doodoo doodoodoo
(theme from Jeopardy not used with permission)
(but follow the “doos;” they’re accurate, a little)
Yeah, draw a card, Scry 2. So, you can Scry first, then draw the card? Or not? Let’s go online and look it up. Or let’s not, Johnny dial-up.
And how many of these do I own? A big, fat O.
Fooled you! You thought that was a “zero,” when in fact it’s actually a capital Oh!
0.O.0.O.0.O.
frigginrizzo: <- tech.
So, Visions gets you a card, and depending on how Sheldon feels this morning, it may let you look at and arrange two more. Is this better than Words of Wisdom? Dude, Wisdom lets the bad guy jump on your jock! But think:
Is an Extended decklist you see more likely to sport Serum Visions or Words of Wisdom? The defense rests. Sidebar, your honor.
Sidebar: “Serum” reminds me too much of “Sveum,” as in “Dale Sveum,” former Pittsburgh Pirate now Red Sox coach or something. And allow me to apologize for bearing witness to hometown super bowl winners… wait, how many now Johnny Mint Box?
Well, there’s the four the Steelers won when I lived in Pittsburgh, then the three the Patriots won when I lived in Maine (yes, they’re our “home team” but two states away. Pathetic, huh?), so that’s:
Seven Super Bowl Titles
Don’t get me started on the two Pirates World Series’ (or Serie’s if you live in Maine like I try to), and especially not my ability to end the 86 year – how many was that? – 86 year drought of the Sox.
Three World Series Titles
Don’t mention the Penguins back-to-back cups.
Two Stanley Cup Titles
frigginrizzo: <- 36.
36/12 = every three years I bring tightness to the home team which is blessed by my ultimate ability to make those who live vicariously through others able to live vicariously through others.
I wonder: can anyone touch that? And if you can, would you be willing to touch this? Yes, that pls/thx.
Sorry about forgetting to mention Pitt, behind the arm of Matt Cavanaugh and the ass and legs of Tony Dorsett, winning the national title in ’77, but it messed with the math.
Fractions = Ass
I’ll try Words of Wisdom and get back to you.
audience: <- can't wait.
I promise that Thirst used to be Attunement. And I was somewhat happy with it. Yes, that’s how bad I truly am.
August 9, 2005
Words it it. Damn, I feel like Zvi, what with super-scrutinizing ever single card ever.
Still have that ProsBloom deck, signed by Zvi that he used at a long since past Invitational. Only paid three bills or so.
frigginrizzo: <- wise investor.
You know how you feel on a ninety degree day after running around like a freak? Sweaty, nasty, funky and, well, moist.
Blinding flash of the obvious alert:
Chyx get swamp crotch too!
chyx: <- r00L anyway.
I don’t even know who site edits here this site here. Last I heard it was either The F or Mr. Ted Knutz, a.k.a. Knutty Bastard.
Leonard: Your name is “Teddy.”
John G: My mother calls me “Teddy!”
Wonder how many times he’s used that line. Four or five. Thousand.
Downloaded a few Extended decks, in Apprentice format no less (kudos), and toyed around. Man, Affinity is kinda quick. But gee, are ninety percent of the cards artifacts? Even the lands?
It’s so quick that I can barely afford to pay a couple life to start the Harpy/Familiar combo – unless Warden is in my hand or real, real close by.
Q. How important is Soul Warden?
A. If one considers infinite life “important” in the sense that you can take all friggin’ day to find the rest of the pieces with nary a worry about oh, dying, then yeah, es muy importante.
Q. Do these cards really even still work with Aluren?
A. I tried to find out. But not real hard. Guess Cloud of Faeries still untaps the lands for free, even post-errata. I think. I hope.
Note to self: find out for sure, d*ckhead.
//NAME: Some More Of This
4 Brainstorm
4 Opt
4 Mana Leak
4 Counterspell
3 Intuition
4 Aluren
4 Cavern Harpy
4 Raven Familiar
3 Cloud of Faeries
3 Soul Warden
2 Stroke of Genius
8 Island
7 Forest
4 Yavimaya Coast
2 Underground River
Wisdom was nice against decks that had no use for a free card, which is, oh, none of them. Thus, now it’s Opt, probably soon to be replaced with bite-the-friggin’-bullet-and-put-in-Accumulated Knowledge.
Treva’s Ruins was technology against Choke, but lemme tell ya’: opening a hand with two lands, one of which is Ruins, is not all that. Much like I told you it wasn’t a few pages ago. See, even when I’m wrong, I’m simply merely less right that you would like me to be.
Maggot Carrier is cute, and while a cute alternative win condition-Hey, why not just fill the deck with a bunch of alternative win conditions?
Props:
Me for figuring out that streamlining might be a good idea.
Slops:
Multiple win conditions for not being streamlined.
And three Intuition is fine, tough guy. Yes, three Wardens and three Faeries: get that: three. Intuition: three. Get it? Huh? Do ya’?
Props:
Me for figuring out what all y’all did about seven years ago.
Slops:
Intuition for sucking when searching for a 1 or 2-of.
I almost want to bypass Opt and go right to the AKs. But no, like the faithful playtest animal I am, I must test, test and retest.
Someone Just Tell Me! Is AK Better Than Opt!?
Six of one, half dozen of the other.
It depends on what your definition of “better” is.
One is good all game, the other goes from ass to insane.
One costs one, the other costs two.
One is from Invasion, the other isn’t.
One is an instant, so is the other.
Someone Just Tell Me! Is AK Better Than Opt!?
If you don’t, I’ll run two of each just to show you.
Why do I torture myself just to go 3-5? Do you see what I put up with? How I struggle internally for acceptance and love and the ability to not suck so much at Magic?
And the newest card in the deck is thirteen sets old.
Oh.
My.
God.
Lol.
At.
Me.
And.
Heh.
At.
Me.
On my way to the garage for a smoke, I passed the tv, where the wifey was watching some wannabee singing show. I stopped for a moment when I thought I recognized…
Me: Is that Dave Navarro?
Wifey: Well, yeah.
Me: He’s a handsome son-of-a-b*tch.
Wifey: Well, yeah.
Me: I mean Johnny Depp handsome.
Wifey: Well, yeah.
::frigginrizzo awaits::
Wifey: Of course, neither are as sexy as you.
Me: And?
Wifey: You are Magic technology proper.
Me: And?
Wifey: Opt is good. So is AK. Do Me Now!
That may or may not have happened. Ever.
Dude just played three Myr Enforcers on turn 3. And it was one turn too late ‘cuz I Stroked the bastard for 115,987. But I did it on my turn, not in response to seriously lethal damage on the stack, which would have been much more fun, if not really, really not nice.
In response to seriously lethal damage on the stack, I go the hell off for five minutes and, still in response to that seriously lethal damage on the stack, I Stroke you for 115,987.
Or would I die first? Shocker: I’m not sure. To be safe, I’ll go off in response to declare blockers. That oughtta be safe. Probably.
But seriously, folks, does Cloud of Faeries untap your friggin’ lands if you play it with Aluren?
August 10, 2005
When I’m on the road, this time in Presque Isle, I’m no longer Johnny Dial-Up, I get to be Wi-fi Boy!
Checked Sheldon’s archives and yeah, it works, but guess what: since I can cruise the net in warp speed now, I checked some DCI stuff and…
Extended Rotates Three Friggin’ Blocks — The Blocks That Comprise Most Of The Cards I’m Trying To Use — In October And
Isucktoomuch !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!At Life!!!!! !!!?????????????????Can You Hear Me Now ??!?!? ????????????!!!!!!!!!!Waste Much Time Do You????????????????!!!!!!!! !!!!!For No Reason Whatsoever Lol@Me! !!!!!!!!&(%( (*&^%(&^(^(*^(%(&$^$%!(%! (*^%(*!^%(!^%***Swearing At Life !!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????? In Different Languages Even! Symbols!???????????I????Atlife.Com
I Have Cards From
Invasion
Planeshift
7th
Apocalypse
Odyssey
Torment
A few packs of Onslaught
A box of Legions (thx Pete! -smile but still mad!)
And what the frig ever that’s old from 8th and 9th Editions
I must start all over.
From scratch.
With hardly any cards.
Or a clue.
Or hope.
You knew I sucked 20 pages ago.
Or five years ago.
You thought maybe I was…
Joking.
Or that I was stupid.
I am stupid.
Because.
I just figured it out.
Just right now!
On August 10, 2005.
At six something p.m.
That Extended rotates.
All my friggin’ cards.
I never knew just how much…
I sucked.
Now I do.
THIS< >MUCH
Is how much.
Angry!
Insert big friggin’ mad face here [I got nuthin. – Ed.]
Not that! This [Still nuthin. –Ed] Can’t we make it bigger than 72 point?! [No. – Knut. Well, maybe Yawg can…]
If you clicked here from waaaaay up there, 20 pages ago, welcome back.
If you didn’t, then you know the previous 20 pages? Um, never mind.
frigginrizzo: <-shrugs to Becky and Jill, embarrassed.
becky: <- hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
jill: <- still wuv you, wuv muffin. But duh.
Moral: the web provides some content that you may find useful for post “solo entertainment” perusal. Like, gee: www.thedci.com.
Secondary moral: I spent so much freakin’ time exploring obsolescence that it had to go somewhere and be read or not but punish me and thank you sir may I have another. Consider that my way of saying “I bet I can build a deck that proves I don’t suck at Magic.”
And didn’t I just prove it.
October 6, 2005
So. Ravnica has gold cards, huh?
Last I heard, big time rain is up in the forecast, which means the eggs most likely will not be running up and down a five hundred and nine yard field for seven thousand hours with eleven million other kids to play to a nil-nil tie.
If this is indeed the case, I get to be Johnny Ravnica Boy and not merely Johnny Rare Draft. If I’m lucky, or can pretend I have the stamina to play Magic all the live long day, perhaps I can be both.
For me, “stamina” is usually taken to mean: the desire to keep playing after I got my head beat in multiple times.
Oftentimes “desire” would mean: suck it up and get killed to teach myself a lesson for having built my deck wrong, or suck it up and get killed to teach myself a lesson for not simply playing a net deck.
However, once in a while I like, do okay. Saturday may or may not be one of those whiles. If it is, I’ll brag too much. If not, hey, I suck at Magic, what else is new? Kinda like to do good though.
And I know that, somewhere out there is someone who also wants me to do good. To that someone I offer a heartfelt:
Hi, mom!
October 7, 2005
Still waiting on that rain, which is supposed to start tonight and like never ever end ever never. Or at least for a week or so, during most of which I’ll be working outside lol@me4life.
weathermen: <-infallible.
weatherchyx: <-infallible and sexy 'cause we dress up nice.
I’m going to bed.
With a woman.
Who might have sex with me.
But probably won’t.
But I’ll tell you she did.
And describe it in vivid detail.
Just to make you jealous.
Might even invent some stuff.
Just to make me jealous.
The Day of
It rained. A lot. Still is.
No sense in listing everything I got, because I actually built my deck right. Plus, no one reads the list, and if they do, it’s only to second guess me. And I ain’t even tryin’ to hear ‘dat.
But I did get a R/W dual, which I eventually traded to Crossroads for two Big Daddy Wurms ’cause I promised both eggs if I could get them I certainly would.
frigginrizzo: <-excellent trader.
Brenden, hearing of such a lopsided traded, insisted I take an additional ten bucks in store credit.
brenden: <-feels bad for such a sucky trader.
Okay, I took it.
Into The Fold Dot Deck:
Darkblast Kills So Many Things In This Format
Gather Courage Does Too
Thoughtpicker Sick Witch
Elves of Deep Shadow
Roofstalker Wight
Drake No Drawback In This Format Familiar
Golgari Gravedigger Thug
GLIMPSE THIS YOU F***IN SICK ASS SH**
Dimir Guildmage
Farseek
Bloodletter Quill
I Begin To Putrefy
Dimir Not So Much A House In This Format Guard
Necromantic Gravedigger 2 Thirst
Woodwraith Strangler
Vedalken Super Wall Entrancer
Golgari Super Fat Rotwurm
Vulturous Bah-Roken Zombie
Bramble Elemental Never Gets Enchanted But Still a Fatty
Brainspoil
Disembowel
Disembowel
Shiny Disembowel
6 Swamp
6 Forest
2 Island
Svoghtos, the Worthless No Wonder It’s A Restless Tomb
Dimir Time Walk Aqueduct
Golgari Time Walk Rot Farm
Did I mention GLIMPSE THIS YOU F***IN SICK ASS BASTARD or the three, yes, three Disembowel?
I liked this pile o’ cards.
Round one:
No Magic in two years, and I sit down against a kid named “Kai?” As we all know, Kai is good, so this kid’s last name would have to be good.
Yes, Kai Good.
His name is “Kai Good.”
I have no chance, do I?
But he is playing R/W.
Game one:
Welcome back to the fold, J to the F, would you like to mulligan to four? Yes, I would, thanks. Would you open Forest, Swamp, Witch, Elves? Might this be enough to get you back into the game?
Well, it might, if Kai didn’t have Hunted Dragon. Not to mention every single White card that could boost your guys and gain you life while nullifying my doods. It got so insane that I stopped reading his cards and enchantments, since they either gave everyone +0/+billions, or just “other creatures you control get +0/+billions.”
Game two:
Hello, my name is Vulturous Zombie, and I’m an 13/13. And Jeez Louise Is Veldaken Entrancer Good Or What Yes That’s Rhetorical Because He Is!
Game three:
We’re in a stalemate on the third turn of the five extras, when Kai draws a card he likes:
Kai: That’s game!
He played out Hunted Dragon.
Me: I think you’re right, but not for the reason you think.
He swings with everything, which would be enough to kill me. However.
I gladly accept my three 2/2 first-strikers, then Putrefy the Dragon. Oh, and put a counter on Vulturous Zombie.
Guess I’ll block now. Hmm…
Maybe double block this guy with two first-strikers and this 1/1 with the other first-striker, and gee, your 3/6 Conclave Equenaut with my Zombie.
First strike damage on the stack = bury that guy and that guy which puts two more counters on Zombie… Oh, and guess I’ll take, um, two?
Kai was not happy with that turn of events.
But he was at nineteen and I had one turn to kill him. Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades; unfortunately, Magic is neither a mildly amusing backyard diversion nor a battlefield. Hi, I have complete control, just can’t kill you fast enough.
0-0-1
I bumped into Chet Norton, he of perpetual draw infamy, informed him of my draw, and we hugged and kissed very manly-like. He is a poly-sci major, so he can give a motivational stump speech where he convinces the audience that hugging and kissing me is very manly-like.
Round two: Alex O’Neill R/W
Game one:
Witch + Glimpse Your Ass = during your draw phase die. Really, it wasn’t much more complicated than surviving his initial R/W onslaught, waiting for him to run out of gas, gee, and then cards. And helping him on both counts.
Game two:
Alex went from 23 to dead in five turns. R/W may or may not have a problem dealing with multiple guys with p/t over two. And Entrancer Is A Good Card Against Little Red Guys And People With Cards In Their Libraries.
1-0-1
I bumped into Pop to the Jackal to the Jackal to the Pop, he of no longer fifteen and actually has facial hair. He almost bit off his tongue – it involved a wheelbarrow, a hill and I didn’t understand it either. But he almost bit off his tongue. Um, okay.
Round three: Adam Stickney U/B/G
I’m next to Jeff and the rest of the undefeateds: tables one and two.
They all ID’d this round.
They all ID’d this round.
They all ID’d this round.
In a prerelease.
Winner gets something like a box.
They all ID’d this round.
Round three.
Out of five rounds.
They all ID’d this round.
I would have been flabbergasted.
But my flabber gasted long ago.
But in round three.
They all ID’d.
Game one:
I play a turn 2 Dimir. So does he. I remember playing something else this game, and I should, since it was one of the four spells I played to go along with my eleven lands.
Game two:
I open two land and think I don’t suck at Magic. Adam plays Golgari Wurm and two Dredge Dogs. Oh, and kills my lil’ fellas with Ribbons, Last Gasp and even some of the same removal I got. Hey, no fair!
But I did get stuck on four lands, if that’s any consolation.
1-1-1
I feel like Josh Claytor at Regionals 2000, where I think he ended up 3-3-3, after much teasing and chiding and goading and inspiration from me to go precisely 3-3-3. And come with it he did. I heard he won States a while back. Hey, how come everyone who used to suck at Magic no longer sucks at Magic except me?
Round four: Evan B/G
Game one:
I only double mulligan, so I actually get to deal two damage to him somehow in this game miraculously or maybe he took mana burn.
Interestingly enough, he had Spectral Searchlight, noted that he could mana burn me a point at a time, then forgot to do it. Every turn.
Game two:
Zombie + Glimpse = heh + Quill + rules guru = victory.
Evan attacked with Mortipede, gave him Lure, then immediately played Gaze of the Gorgon on it. Thanks dude for responding to your own stuff, but here’s what’s really gonna happen:
Putrefy ‘Pede, which kills him and wastes your Gaze, then block however the hell I want, which turns out to be in a way to kill all of your guys and most of mine get to live and I know you were excited by the combo but dude chill.
After I declared blockers, Evan Darkblasted my Elves, then thought his guy didn’t count as being blocked. Brenden rooled in my favor since we’re both savage cheaters.
Game three:
He had Cyclopean Snare, and it managed to hold off my 11/11 Zombie for something like nine turns in a row. Yes, I do suck at drawing creatures, thx.
He has a ton of mana, no cards in hand, ‘cept for the Snare, and is desperately searching for a creature to hold off my Elves and Witch Which Are Going To Kill Him In About A Thousand Turns.
Jeff Em to the Ertt was watching, since we were the last game going, and checked out the top card of my library every turn.
Seeing the situation, and the endless lands in my hand and lack of dredge guys in the bin, he assumed I would draw a real creature, or a Putrefy, sometime ever and end this game. He checked about eight times, and giggled after each time he did it.
Hi, I have complete control, just can’t kill you fast enough.
1-1-2
I am a White mage.
With aggressive Black and Green creatures.
But nearly enough of them.
Round five: Darrel Waterhouse R/W
Game one:
He starts out strong, just like a R/W weenie deck should. He stops being so strong when his men just look at my 4/4 in awe. Then my 5/4. Then Zombie. Actually, they kinda look at anything in awe, since it can either block and kill it or block and seriously kill it to death.
R/W is fast. But fatties are the one true path to victory! At least in limited and when your opponent plays with weenies and a format where burn spells are harder to come by than integrity in Ted Kennedy’s body.
Game two:
I quilled myself into oblivion and serious cards in hand, and will attempt to repeat as much as possible. Doing so allowed me to play fat after fat after fat, which was better than his weenie after weenie after weenie, most of which I killed with my seemingly endless supply of destroy target creature if my fatty doesn’t just run the friggin’ thing over.
2-1-2
I don’t even know what place. But it’s better than going 3-5, trust me on that. Wait, five rounds – how could you go 3-5? Again, trust me: if anyone can go 3-5 in a five round tourney, I’m your girl.
Jeff Emmertt won. Big deal, he cheats at life, ID’s in round three and is related to some random.
In the first draft, Relatively Unknown Mike Emmertt was on my right. Cool, a tight draft, or at least I better be prepared to follow his lead or he’ll b*tch my ass like he did to Kibler in Tampa.
Funny thing:
There is so much good stuff in every color, it’s often hard to figure out what in the piss the guy before you picked. By the sixth pick I was totally confused: here’s two good cards in your colors, oh, and good cards in all the other colors, including Blue, which you’re pretty damned sure Mike will be playing in any format because he is a control freak at heart and will find and play counterspells that suck but won’t suck in his hands because he’s actually a good player who knows how to use counterspells that suck.
Still, I went 2-1 with an insane pack of fat and removal.
I drafted as many creatures as I could find, and I found a ton. Helldozer, Woebringer Demon (is a freakin’ house!), Grave-Troll (is a freakin’ freakin’ house!), Stinky, Shambling Shell and about fifteen more guys. Philosophy: play with too many fatties and hope you get to five mana on time. Or ever.
The first match was against Chris to the M, who saw his R/W weenie deck get smacked around with fatty after fatty after fatty after Imp/Strands, which I invented last month.
He did a lot of quick damage, until Bramble Man stepped into his path.
Q. What does a 1/1, 1/1 and 2/1 do against a 4/4?
A. They look at him, forlornly as all hell.
Game two goes the same way – he gets me to the low teens then I drop big ‘tings in his path. His guys look at them. My guys look back, and just looking at his lil’ fellas does one damage to them. Thus I win.
In the second match, Brandon, he of one half of the 90’s team of Brandon and Dylan, thought I should triple mulligan. I obliged.
Oh, and he has Hunted Troll. But wait, first he played out Selesyna Sagittarius Is My Zodiac Sign (party people in the house say “ho!”), which would make the 1/1 flyers completely irrelevant, which I guess is the freakin’ point.
Then, why not enchant Troll with Fists of Ironwood, since trample and regeneration and eight power is a decent ability I hear in a format where “it can’t be regenerated” is hard to find.
All this after I triple mulliganed.
frigginrizzo: <-actually a Taurus. Say "Ho!"
In the second game, he did it again. Except he played Troll on turn 4, with the turn 5 Fists. I did, however, end up stuck on four lands.
I passed the Troll and can’t remember what I took instead, but it most likely wasn’t a three-card combo that wrecks people in Limited.
In match three, I showed how awesome I am at dredge.
And Woebringer Demon.
That guy is insane.
Nuts.
Ridiculous.
Serious card advantage that flies.
Card advantage, you ask? Well, when you have five dredge guys in your deck, that’s what he is. Adam had Imp and Thug, but he only dredged once for fear of being decked, which is exactly what Mike Emmertt did to him in his previous match.
He did play Perplex when I tried to kill something of his. I pitched Brownscale, a land and the 4/5 artifact flyer to counter that noise.
Perplex is not all that.
Sometimes it can be.
This was not one of those times.
frigginrizzo: <- discards his hand with little or no provocation.
Once I had six mana, I dredged like a fool: Imp, Brownscale, and the Sooper Dooper Ichorid Machine: Grave-Troll, who came in as a 12/12. True, I had only about eight cards left, but when you have Helldozer, Imp/Strands and a 12/12 regenerator comin’ up on ya’ like you was lasagna, you tend to just, oh, lose.
I heart dredge, and will dump cards into my bin and dare you to Glimpse This Card Is Nutty Ass As Hell and kill me during my draw phase.
2-1 with a nutty deck with about ten rares.
frigginrizzo: <-rare drafter.
But we don’t get to keep the rares, preferring instead to do a rare and foil draft and I got a Grave-Troll Ichorid Machine, which of course, will be a junk rare until I break formats with it.
In the second draft, Jeff Emmertt was on my right. Cool, a tight draft, or at least I better be prepared to follow his lead or he’ll b*tch my *ss like his brother did to Kibler in Tampa.
Funny thing:
All I knew, after three packs, is that Jeff was taking Black cards. Well, at least the ones he wasn’t passing to me. I was sure he wasn’t taking White when he passed me a third Devouring Light. Yes, three.
Oh, and I had Razia’s BlowYouUp (courtesy of the guy on my left who was also playing R/W?!), Sunhome Enforcer and four, how many?, four Screeching Griffin.
At least I didn’t also have the 5/4 Earthquake Man or the “all my stuff can ping for one” sorcery. Or the double strike land, which I got in nearly every game and never activated until the last round because I suck at Magic.
Still, I went 2-1 with an insane pack of fat and removal.
Interesting play notes:
I played Brenden Hill in the first round, and take a gander:
He played the 4/7 Vigilance guy on turn 5, then Big Daddy Wurm on turn 6 or 7. Ordinarily, this would give me pause. However, I was holding Razia’s Kill Everything and the 5/4 Earthquake Man. Oh, and a Devouring Light.
Idea: survive long enough to wreck his life in a big way.
I played out Earthquake Man, Devoured Big Daddy Wurm and watched in utter glee as he played out his entire hand. At this point, B has about ten creatures, including quite a few tokens and plenty of stuff that boosts his team.
And then he swung for about a billion. Me, being clever as all hell, anticipated a trick or two up his sleeve, or at least the one card in his hand. But.
I made my blocks, some of which were even beneficial for me, put the D on the S then Earthquake Manned for four. The end result was B was left with nothing, while I had a Courier Hawk and Screeching Griffin. He cast Scatter, got himself three dudes then passed it over.
I swung, floated some mana, then cast Razia’s Kill You Machine, keeping the Griffin and two Time Walk lands. He kept a token and two lands or something equally worthless. When I dropped Sunhome Enforcer, he was not pleased.
His board: a 1/1 and two basic lands.
My board: Griffin, Enforcer and five mana.
He died, real grisly like.
Game two was pretty much the same: he got out Big Daddy, it got Devoured, then Earthquake Man killed the hell out of his team.
Earthquake Man was my first pick. I guess there was a reason for that.
But if he were a 5/5 or was pro: red, he’d be kinda good.
The second match saw me stuck on three lands, then four for the entire length of time it took Adam Stickney to beat on me with lil’ goblins and White guys. His deck, as they say, was quick, with lots of tricks.
I drafted R/W because I wanted to try something new; he drafted R/W because he was forced into it, and looking at his deck one might consider using the word “pile.” But quick R/W is going to become famous for punishing the hell out of slower decks, and will go down in history as the best of the bad mana draw destroyers.
Archetype of note: R/W with lots of weenies, Helix and Happy Feathers Life Gain = win before they get six mana. It’s like Sligh, but a really, really sucky version.
But good enough once in a while.
This was one of those whiles.
Two, actually.
In the third match I pummeled Peter Collins because he always has one less mana than he needs to play everything in his hand. Oh, and Enforcer, double strike land and a fistful of flyers – even the two who got to wear -4/-1 shirts – were too much for him.
Note: this is the worst format ever to be stuck on four mana. Ever.
Note: In virtually every game I played, Hex would have absolutely wrecked house. Even worse than that. I want Hex in my Limited decks.
Note: Many games will end during a draw phase. The mill you land, the mill you wall, Sick Witch and all their friends = is forty cards still considered the magic number?
6-3-2 in roughly twelve hours. Oh, and every card for my Extended deck except two Golgari Thug and can they be a little harder to get? Jeez.
Brenden was saying he read somewhere online that “good players” are getting away with using as little as fourteen lands in sealed. Here I was thinking seventeen lands was almost enough and eighteen was one-half too many.
Turns out peeps like the Signets, and with the Time Walk lands, developing your mana doesn’t necessarily involve putting a lot of lands into play. Farseek and Civic Landfinder, while they’re not Rampant Growth and Tribe-Elder, do their thing quite well.
Fourteen lands? Wow. That’s room for an awful lot of spells.
26 spells
+
14 lands
=
Doesn’t even look right
“I’d like to believe you, Linus, but I just don’t know.”
But those three spells are probably Signets and land finders, so really, what’s the diff? The diff is probably that the Sigs don’t just fix your mana, they accelerate it, just as the Time Walk lands do.
You may do nothing for three turns, but on turn four you can:
Turn 1: land
Turn 2: land, Signet
Turn 3: play something for three, play a Time Walk land.
Turn 4: play land, you have six mana and hello super fatty.
Maybe you can play fourteen lands and get away with it. I will admit it was a mistake not to play the Signets I had – at least one of each in my colors. You look at them and think: whatever. But no, not whatever, these things mean business.
Still.
Here I was playing seventeen lands (and thinking about eighteen), triple mulliganed twice, double mulliganed once and plain ‘ol went to six more than a few times. Fourteen lands?
Perhaps if I used a couple Signets, I could have eliminated some of those mulligans. But the thing is:
Most of the hands I mulliganed contained no land. The rest contained one land. So this discussion is moot, at least in these particular cases. Still, it’s an interesting idea, one rife with the potential to draw bad opening hands all friggin’ day. Or maybe not.
I suck at shuffling. This is something I’ve been working on (seriously), since I notice that I mulligan a lot in playtesting (heh?), and have quite the history of doing so in tourneys, particularly constructed events where my cards are sleeved.
Pile shuffling seems like the answer, but man that takes some time. Riffle shuffling, while visually impressive to n00bz (and the flutter sound is sexy), doesn’t seem to result in what I’m looking for:
A nice mix of lands and spells.
That should be the norm, for me it usually isn’t.
I’ll work on it and get back to you.
audience: <-holds breath.
I may have said something like “Ravnica is almost as good as Invasion.”
I take that back.
It is as good as Invasion.
It may even be better.
Ravnica is as good as Invasion. No.
Ravnica is better than Invasion.
Ballsy.
Gutsy.
Crazy.
Flipped my lid.
But it is.
Interesting to me side note:
The wifey took Berto and Abs to a birthday party in the afternoon, and as parents tend to, they started chatting. One of the dads of one of Berto’s friends in a poker nut, and since he can’t be as good as I used to be, you get the picture = free money maybe.
One of the wives then said: “well, my husband plays Magic: The Gathering, and he’s always looking for people to play with” or something to that effect.
Someone else in real life plays Magic?
In secret?
Is this possible?
I found the above, especially the “Magic: The Gathering” part to be weird. Perhaps there is multiplayer in my future? Since I was born and raised on multiplayer, this could be l33t. Combine that with this:
Crossroads gets to hold three PTQs: Extended on November 12, and whatever is next and next after that. This is a test of the Wizards Profitable And/Or Well Attended Tourney System = if you live in New England and are sick of driving to Mass or Rhode Island or Vermont (if they even have PTQs there?), or even Connecticut, come to Crossroads.
Three reasons:
1) I’ll be there, and since I suck at Magic, you get a free win.
2) Sometimes there are girls. Seriously. Some with nice asses.
3) I drove to Mass and RI and Detroit enough, you drive now.
More than 3) It’s very difficult to find from the interstate.
More than More than 3) You can try to tell me why Invasion is better than Ravnica.
You Know the Drill) But it isn’t.
Taking stock in the big jump back in, I find a few things sticking out. Such as, wow, playing for twelve hours is tiring, Magic is expensive, I’m a sucky trader, and I may or may not suck at Magic as much as I think. But it sure was a blast, and when all’s said and done, I guess that counts for something.
Magic is everywhere. As Pookie said in “New Jack City,” that excellent Mario Van Peebles (who is almost as talented as Keanu, or at least Cuba Gooding – almost) film from back in the day:
“It be callin’ me, it be callin’ me.”
It may be just me (okay, it is), but I can’t recall having so much fun playing Magic. Writing about it, building decks, hanging out, talking about how bad the Red rares are, what have you, the most fun part was rarely playing the actual game.
Guess that’s what happens when you win more than you lose. Maybe I oughtta try it more often.
I hear ya’, fruitcake.
And so does Ichorid.
But you can read all about that next month.
I still have no cool closing, even after 100 articles.
Bye,
John Friggin’ Rizzo