ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR-FIVE
I could regale you with tales of Grand Prix Manchester.
Of my woeful experience with mana during the GP itself despite having a reasonable deck (I’m convinced I shuffled my way to bad draws – shiny, smooth sleeves that interweave tastily to clump every damn thing together – ah well) – all of the matches I lost were 1-2 results, with the decider being down to ‘mana screw.’ Absolutely no complaints about the cards, though – Meteor Shower? Smouldering Tar? Frenzied Tilling? Luver-ly!
Of the pain-in-the-ass nature of Armadillo Cloak (though I didn’t face it at all) – how loud and multitudinous were the complaints!
Of the rumoured player with THREE dragons in his sealed deck!
Of the Fighting Hellfish (the Team I’m in, if you didn’t know) going all the way to the finals of the Foil Serra Angel Team Challenge (10 p.m. Saturday to 6 a.m. Sunday) but unable to deliver when it really counted (congratulations to the Aldershot guys, by the way).
Or even of the two ‘International’ Massage Parlours open 24 hours a day opposite our hotel (read: "shabby rooms above a pub"). Only 200 yards from the venue; what an image to present at a Premier International Event!
Maybe, I could tell you of "Mystery Slumbering Person" who tried to use our hotel bathroom while we (the Fighting Hellfish) slumbered through an unsettled Sunday morning – rattling the bloody door until a) it nearly came off its hinges, and b) he finally got the message that the door was LOCKED and buggered off!
Of Barbie Happy Meals.
Of the cool ‘Token Creature’ cards I bought from Cutting-Edge Collectibles (anime-art, full-colour Magic-style cards depicting the usual wide-eyed, scantily-clad, twelve-year-old schoolgirl masquerading as Saproling, Sliver, Goblin (don’t go there!), Squirrel, or Copy Creature tokens – I even got a couple of ‘foils’.
Perhaps you would appreciate a fleeting account of how I (after arriving at the GP venue on the Friday night), took advantage of a FREE Legends-member JAPANESE Invasion booster draft, and cheesily opened a FOIL Coalition Victory (I’m open to offers on this one)!
Then again, perhaps not – eh? That sort of thing makes rather dull reading and often has a smug, self-satisfied air. Least said, soonest mended.
ONCE I CAUGHT A FISH ALIVE
Currently I’ve got the plumbers in* to de-scale the pipes feeding the Fount of my Inspiration and the leech that is Parallax Survivor laps at the dribble of my Muse like a drought-affected Spaniel. So, prithee, my horse-whipped minions of the leather-clad Dominatrix that is Magic: The Gathering, what would you have me write about?
I’m taking suggestions.
I’m receptive to ideas.
I’m fumbling around in the dark here!
SIX-SEVEN-EIGHT-NINE-TEN
Look! Even the section headings are bottom-of-the-barrel material. *sigh*
I refuse to write about Invasion. I’m sick of it already and it’s only been out for a couple of weeks…
THEN I PUT IT BACK AGAIN
Maybe I’ll put some puns together for a later date!
Puns?
Did someone mention puns?
Puns!
I could do some puns!
That always fills a nook; here goes…
(A fanfare blasts. It is energetic but vaguely anal, as if it were played by a chorus of Le Petomaine’s)
Revenge Of the Return of the Son of Bride of Celluloid Magic
(Or 50 movies with a magical bent reviewed by Sisay and Hiebert)
1, Gone With The Plague Wind
Scarlett O’Hara Of Hara’s and Ferrhett Butler fall in and out of love against a backdrop of the Brother’s War. "Frankly, my dear, I couldn’t give a Floodwater Dam"
2. Anne Of A Thousand Daze
3. My Fear Lady
4. Scouting Trek: Regenerations
5. The Flay
Jeff Gold-bloom mixes with a deadly insect in a Rishadan teleport experiment gone wrong. Trinity Geena Davis plays the obligatory love interest. "Be a fire drake, be very a fire drake."
6. Wall Street (Walls cannot attack)
7. A Mind Over Matter Of Living Death
David Nevinyrral stars in Boil & Pressburger’s classic about a pilot who should have gone to the graveyard but survives.
8. O! Thwart A Lovely Warmth
9. An Ensnaring Bridge Too Far
10. Batch Cassidy & The Abundance Kid
11. The Stanng
12. Everything You Wanted To Know About Rhox…But Were Afraid To Lava Axe
Woody Allenmental’s compilation of comedy sketches, including Goblin Wilder’s love for a sheep, a giant marauding Clockwork Breast, and Woody himself as a spermanent.
13. Simoontruck (starring Cherharazad)
14. A Clockwork Oran-Utang
15. Unsummon to Wachter Over Me / Toby Or Not Toby
16. Citizen Karn
17. Foxfire
Clint ‘Dark Heart of the’ Eastwood stars in this run-of-the-millstone action/adventure yarn about stealing a secret Mox Jet from the Soviet Block (…let damage go on the stack?)
18. Pride And Invoke Prejudice
19. Total Recoil
20. Rochester Backdraft
21. The Goblin Spy Who Loved Me / For Your Wandering Eyes Only / The Enchant World Is Not Enough
22. Crovax vs. Crovax
Dustbowl Hoffman and Meryl Sheep Token in the emotional Dromar of a failing marriage. Hankies at the ready!
23. Deep Throat Wolf
Linda Lifelace stars. Hankies at the ready!
24. When Harrow Met Sisay
25. Darianimator
26. Garfield Of Dreams / Corpse Dances With Tundra Wolves (starring Kevin Alternative-Casting-Costner)
27. Main Phase IV / The Upkeep / Un-T.A.P.S
28. The Evincars That Ate Paris (for 6 cards)
29. This is Spinal Graft
Meet the banned as they tour Jamuraa to promote their new album ‘Smell The Glyph’: Nigel Toughness (Lead Guitar), Gosta Dirk Smalls (Bass Guitar), David St Hibernation (Rhythm Guitar), and the mandatory anonymous Deepwood Drummer. What’s wrong with being sexy?
30. The Vodalian Job
Michael Karn and Noel Cowardice plot to steal Venerian Gold in three Leyline Minis. "You’re only supposed to blow the blahdee Douse off!"
31. Mageta, Sue and Nabob Too
32. Ring Of Mark Rosewater
Complete and Otter nonsense. Banned in the UK.
33. Oublietter To Breshnev / My Beautiful Carrionette
34. P.T’s Dragon / Hasbro Goes To Marton Stromgald
35. A Town Like Chad Ellis / The Senhouse On Haunted Hill
36. The Alongi Good Friday
37. Dread Wight Men Can’t Jump
38. Wind In The Autumn Willows
Live action version of the children’s classic following the adventures of Crypt Ratty, Chub Toad, Giant Badger, and 6-0 Moley.
39. U (Dir. by Derek Memory Jarman)
40. Greven Can Wait
41. The Reverent Silence Of The Lands / Mogghunter
42. The Importance Of Being Ernham
Michael Redgraverobber, Dame Edict Evans, and Margaret Rath-Urborg in Okkcar Wald’s comic masterpiece.
43. Tolarian Academy 4: Citizen Tokens On Goblin Patrol
44. The Frantic Searchers / High Plains Sifter
45. I.D
46. 20,000 Future Leagues Under The D.C.I
47. Il Tempestino
48. Splash!
49. Shyft
50. Mesablanca
Humphrey Bogimp, Claude Reins (Of Power), Ingrid Icebergman, and Peter Lurre in the Classic Magical tale of romance and adventure:
HB: "This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
PL: "In response to you declaring this the beginning of a beautiful friendship…"
Ciao babies,
(Once again) Tony Boydell
* – This has GOT to be a euphemism for something…