(A customer walks in the door. A bell rings)
(A sound-track of screams, shouts, and battle-cries plays softly in the background – well, as softly as screaming and shouting CAN)
Customer: Good morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National CCG Emporium.
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
Customer: Well, I was sitting in the public library on Thermokarst Street just now, skimming through a copy of ‘Rogue Kavu’ by Hugh Fullnight, and I suddenly came over all ‘Type 2.’
Owner: Type 2, Sir?
Customer (whining like an ungreased ‘nipple’): ‘Ee, I wanna ploy mi leegil cards, loike!
Owner: Ah! Constructed!
Customer: In a nutshell. And so I thought to myself: "A considered browse through multi-pocketed exhibitorial facilities will do the trick." So I curtailed by studying activities, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some desirable rares.
Owner: Come again?
Customer: I want to buy some cards.
Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the Berserki player!*
Customer: Oh, heaven forbid! I am one who delights in all manifestations of the belligerent muse.
Customer: ‘Oooo, Ah lahk a narse toon, ‘yer forced to!
Owner: So they can go on bellowing, can they?
Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some in-print rares please, my good man.
Owner (lustily): Certainly, Sir. What would you like?
Customer: Well, eh, how about a little Urza’s Rage? Hammer of Bogardan?
Owner: I’m afraid we’re fresh out of red burn, Sir.
Customer: Oh, never mind. How are you on Orim’s Chant?
Owner: We never have them at the end of the week, Sir; we get a fresh batch in on Monday.
Customer: Tish, tish, no matter. Well, stout yeoman, four mint-condition Phyrexian Scutas, if you please.
Owner: Ah, they’ve beeeeeeeen on order, Sir, for two weeks. Was expecting them this morning.
Customer: ‘T’s not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Shivan Wurm?
Owner: Sorry, Sir.
Customer: Foil, alternative art Tahngarth?
Owner: Normally, Sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
Customer: Ah, Ertai the Corrupted?
Customer: Any foreign Edition Routs, per chance?
Customer: Pyre Zombie?
Customer: Rishadan Port?
Customer: Lord of the Undead?
Owner (pauses): No.
Customer: Jade Leech?
Customer: Blinding Angel?
Customer: Foil Serra Angel? Vampiric Tutor? Coalition Victory? Misdirection? Teferi’s Moat? Tsabo’s Web? DCI Counterspell?
Customer: Wrath of God, perhaps?
Owner: Ah! We have Wrath of God, yessir!
Customer (surprised): You do? Excellent!
Owner: Yessir. It’s …ah…a bit scuffed…
Customer: Oh, I like it scuffed – I’ll be playing it in a deck protector.
Owner: Well, it’s very weather-beaten, actually, Sir.
Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the mass removal spell of long-standing choice! Mmmwah!
Owner: I…think it’s a bit scruffier than you’d like it, Sir.
Customer: I don’t care how f**king scumbled it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Owner (regretfully): Awwwwwwwwwwwww…(pauses)
Customer: What now?
Owner: The cat’s eaten it.
Customer (despondently): Has he?
Owner: She, Sir .
(There is a pause)
Customer: Twilight’s Call?
Customer: Reverent Mantra?
Customer: Lin Sivvi?
Customer: Japanese Questing Pheldagriff?
Owner: No, Sir.
Customer: You do HAVE some cards, don’t you?
Owner: Of course, Sir. It’s a card shop, Sir! We’ve got…
Customer: No, no – don’t tell me. I’m keen to guess.
Owner: Fair enough.
Customer: Uuuuuuuuuuhhhh, Darigaaz?
Customer: Ah, well! I’ll have one of those!
Owner: Oh, I thought you were talking to me, Sir. Gary Daaz, that’s my name.
(There is another pause)
Customer: Kavu Furens?
Owner: Uh, not as such.
Customer: Kavu Titan?
Customer: Teferi’s Response? Saproling Burst?
Customer: Euro Land Set Three?
Customer: Venezuelan Promotional Arena Creeping Mold?
Owner: Not TODAY, Sir, no.
Customer: How about an Island?
Owner: Well, we don’t get much call for them around here, Sir.
Customer: Not much ca – it’s the single most popular card in the world!
Owner: Not ’round here, Sir.
Customer (slight pause): And what IS the most popular card "round hyah"?
Owner (proudly): Parallax Wave, Sir.
Customer: Is it?
Owner: Oh, yes. Staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
Customer: Is it?
Owner: It’s our number one best-seller, Sir.
Customer: I see. Parallax Wave, eh?
Owner: Right, Sir.
Customer: All right. Okay. "Have you got any?" he asked, expecting the answer "no"
Owner: I’ll have a look, Sir. (pause) Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn-no.
Customer: It’s not much of a trading card shop, is it?
Owner: Finest in the district!
Customer (annoyed): Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Owner: Well…it’s so clean!
Customer: It’s certainly uncontaminated by trading cards…
Owner (brightly): You haven’t asked me about Ankh of Mishra, Sir!
Customer: Would it be worth it?
Owner: Could be…
Customer: Have you…SHUT THAT BLOODY BERSERKI OFF!
Owner: Told you, Sir.
Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Ankhs of Mishra?
Customer: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
Customer (deliberately and carefully): Have you, in fact, got any Magic cards here at all?
Owner: Yes, Sir.
Owner: No. Not really, Sir..
Customer: You haven’t
Owner: Nossir. Not a scrap or trace of one. I was deliberately wasting your time, Sir.
Customer: (pulling a gun from his jacket) Well I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to shoot you.
Owner: Right-O, Sir.
The Gun: BANG!
Customer (exasperated): What a senseless waste of human life.
* Hence my elaborate introductory spiel about shouting, etc. These things take a lot of planning, you know!
** Just the one this week – hoorah! (pause) Oh, bugger.