Blatant Space Filler

Tony reads off the winners to his contest, tells an obscene joke, and rhymes some mad poetry wid hiz fanz.


‘Allo, darlin’!

It’s always a risky affair when one kicks off a competition thing; at least, that’s what I’VE found.

About 18 months ago, after a few slots on Brainburst and a bunch of inane postings to uk.trading-cards.magic.misc, I became decidedly miffed with this dear pastime/hobby/occupation of ours and set about off-loading my collection by means of a cryptic quiz (it was called, hilariously,”EVERYTHING MUST DRAW-GO!”). Initial response was great – about thirty or so entries for round one (I was offering Masticores and stuff as prizes), but as it became clear that further effort was required from punters, the replies dropped off until, after ten rounds, those in the top three positions were the only ones left playing. It wasn’t as if I’d shut out anyone else – sneaky little ‘random draw’ prizes were available along the way just, and this was all, for sending me an e-mail.

My email is very important to me, you know. During last summer, which I personally regard as probably the most fun I had while writing, I would regularly receive downwards of two or three emails a week! How my self-esteem took a bruising, especially when fellow scribblers boasted of traffic-volumes akin to mail-bombing, or having to reply to only the first two hundred messages because they needed to take a crap now and again, after all!

And then Rizzo sends me stuff like this:

“Did anyone ever tell you? Yeah, that’s what I thought/Although, I’m still not convinced.”

Followed by the filthiest and funniest reply to my ‘Twenty Questions’ I think it is possible to produce.


“Question: How long has Magic got left?”

“Answer: Longer than Magic Johnson does”


And as regards the”pus” bit… Wash your mouth out, John, there may be children watching!**

What was I saying? Oh, yes — competitions. Well the response to my questionnaire and poem game has been cool, but there’s enough material to construct a follow-up article with! Maybe not on the reply-scale as those magnificent Meridian Magic diversions of the early Spring, but we’re getting there.

Keats? Git outta here! Ted Hughes? Scram!

e e cummings? Y d(ont) U





Poetical Interlude#1

(From Mark Wallace, to the tune of”I’m A Little Tea Pot”)

“I’m a can of whoop-ass for three red

Toughness of one, but six to your head

When I hit the table, it’s often said

Ball Lightning is the card they dread”

(I’d probably stick an ‘-ed’ on the end of ‘dread’ there, Marky Mark – oh how fickle the environment is)

The 1st Of 20 Questions: Who Is The Best Magic Player In The World Today, And Why?

Some tried flattery, some tried narcissism, some were honest (therefore dull), but IvantheRussian gave (in my humble opinion, as always) the best answer:

“Probably someone who doesn’t play. With a world population of six and a half billion, there is probably someone out there with the capacity to beat all the Finkels/Mahers/Buddes you can throw at them.”

I just love this sort of ‘chimp-whipping Neanderthal’ theorising. That’s a foiled common for you, sah.

The 2nd Of 20 Questions: If <Your_Answer_To_Qn_1> Was A Buffalo…Etc

EmpSchao took things a little too literally with his/her reply”I didn’t answer buffalo”; Laurence Parsons would go ‘all the way’ (snigger), and Jon Blevins would hit the”Richard’s” kidneys****

However, Daniel Crane takes the proverbial biscuit by answering ‘Tony Boydell‘ to question one and then saying”Since my answer to question one did happen to be a buffalo…” – cheeky young bleeder! Get back to school, you young tyke, before I box your ears! By the way, ‘Grapes’ is a euphamism for haemeroids in the UK, so being ‘God O’Grapes’ has a somewhat anal focus…

Poetical Interlude#2

(From Mary Van Tyne)

Mary (of Doom)’s favourite card,

Alas, right now it’s hard

Getting the perfect deck

Explaining why it’s tech

So why, they all ask me?

Countering spells for Red

Often hard to see

Never very common. When you

Take three points or more,

Especially against red, which

Swiftly destroys you,

Then you’ll be dead and crispy

The 3rd Of 20 Questions: Measuring From The Other End Of The Buffalo

Jimmy Halfhouse was one of the few to be unintimidated by this question, preferring to start from the hoof, while the aforementioned Monsieur Parsons recognised the danger element immediately (but then he did want to go all the way, didn’t he?).

The 4th Of 20 Questions: If You Were A Magic Card, What Would Your Special Ability Be?

Now this is where I began to touch a nerve… Flanking for ‘flankers’; Protection from control.dec; IvantheRussian thought he was Mystic Snake;”When Mike Mason comes into play, your opponent can’t cheat no more” (sounds like a Motown lyric);”Tap, knock on your library twice: topdeck like Jesus”*****; and”Put a 1/1 flying squirrel token into play” (Mr Blevins)

However, one must award the Qn.4 prize to Mary Van Tyne, who would be”Uncounterable; because you cannot stop the force that is Mary (of Doom [doomity-doom])” – any special ability that has a bass echo steals it for me EVERY TIME.

The 5th And 6th Of 20 Questions: Colour-Oriented Stuff

Pretty ordinary stuff, except from Rizzo**, Mark Wallace (Ovaltine), Mr Parsons (Vermillion),”Frasier” Crane (Fleecy Cerulean), and John Cochrane (Purpure – is this a typo or a pretty obscure shade?)

Poetical Interlude#3

(from”Jared” or”Pamela Zarrilli” – I’m confused, so don’t ask, okay?) (It’s Jared – The Ferrett)

This little Monger went to battle

This little Serra stayed home

This little Saproling Burst has tokens

This little Blastoderm has none

And all my opponents cried”Wee, wee, wee!” cause I beat them all