Alright kids, the time has come. I was originally going to run “Ask the Editor” as a giant, one-shot deal to commemorate my one-year anniversary as editor of this here site here, but I decided that I like having a daily column on the site each month. Thus you received my clever bargain of “decklist for thoughtful question”, and now you have a whole month of me, blathering away like Bleiweiss during a drunken post-Yankees greatest-choke-in-the-history-of-modern-sports binge.
As I said in my original article, I’m taking on all comers this month and all questions. This may lead to some uncomfortable situations where I stand at the podium, silently pretending to ponder your question until Karl Rove whispers the correct response in my ear, but I knew that was a possibility coming in. We’ll see if I can answer things and still keep it clean enough so that Pete isn’t breathing down my neck every time I post a new column. Knowing how open I am about voicing my opinions in real life (I rarely voice my complete opinions on the website anymore), this should be an interesting month…
We’ll kick things off today by answering Spencer Bogan’s extensive list of “idiotic questions” (his words, not mine).
1) Who would win in a fist fight:
a) Battle of the Banned: Eisel or Hahn
b) Battle of the religious icon: Jesus or Budda
c) Kathy Lee or Kelly Ripa
A) Nobody bets against Kurt Hahn and lives to tell about it – bookies won’t even take action on his fights anymore. That said, Eisel is a slippery one and he used to have a sort of Golden Boy, Oscar de la Hoya quality about him before his forced retirement. I think Hahn wins this one because he’s built to take punishment and I expect the two fighters won’t even be close in weight class, but Eisel will make it a tougher fight than anyone thinks.
B) This fight never goes off because you have two pacifists pitted against each other. Even if they did fight, I picture a slap bout similar to what Antonino de Rosa and Gerard Fabiano engage in when they have a disagreement during testeing. Here’s one of my favorite quotes from Ant that has never seen the light of day until now: “JonSonne, I’m not walking around downtown Columbus looking for a Wendy’s with you and Gerard. It’s just not safe down here, so I’m turning back. Besides, Gerard is a lover, not a fighter!” I’m so glad Antonino survived the hurricanes in Florida this year, or else quotes like that one might never occur.
C) In spite of the fact that I recognize she’s a pure Barbie Doll, Kelly Ripa remains smokin’ hot. That is why it will sadden me greatly when Kathy Lee rips her beautiful eyes out before defiling her body. Look, all you have to do is mention that fact that Kelly is Frank’s latest indiscretion and it’s all over. I’d be surprised it this one lasted sixty seconds… Kathy Lee is one mean b****.
2) Is America a better place than it was four years ago? How? (I ask myself and my friends this question and we all just end up confused so maybe a little third party intervention might help.)
My opinion is that it is not, and that has nothing to do with 9/11. If you share this viewpoint, the only way to rectify the situation is to get off your ass and go vote tomorrow. (I said “rectify.” Huh huh.)
3) Is the Red Sox rallying after being near elimination a sign of the apocalypse?
I’m expecting frogs to start falling from the sky any moment now.
4) Who does number two work for?
Jim Ferraiolo. He puts number two to work anywhere between two and ten times a day.
5) Is USC legit? Can they go undefeated? What about Miami?
USC is legit, but they are also injured. I’m actually believing that Pete Carroll has had some of the best recruiting classes ever in the past few years, because every time a potential All-American goes down, they just replace that guy with another all-star. Ridiculous. In spite of the injuries, the Pac-10 is way down this year, and I don’t see anybody on their schedule knocking them off, so it would take an implosion game where they beat themselves for them to lose before bowl season.
As for Miami, a lot depends on Brock Berlin. Aside from Florida State, I don’t think Brock has faced any really tough defenses this year, so while he has looked good, that may change if he goes up against a tough team. Looking ahead, the Hurricanes have the Cavaliers in Charlottesville, and get Virginia Tech in the Orange Bowl – two teams that have a small chance of beating them if things go their way. Until last weekend, I would have said that Miami is lucky not to play Florida this year, as they are a very talented Jekyll and Hyde team that would be very dangerous for Miami to play, even at home. Then the Florida defense went and gave up 38! to Miss. St., and that idea went out the window. Oh well.
Anyway, I think only one of these two teams will be undefeated come December, but I don’t know which it will be.
Oddly enough, I think Oklahoma and Auburn are better teams than the two you’ve mentioned here, but they both have some nightmare games on their schedules left, so are much more likely to take a loss and drop down in the BCS standings.
6) Is there a viable exit strategy to leave Iraq, or are we just screwed no matter what we do?
I think we had the opportunity to pursue policies and objectives that would have given us a chance to succeed, but we failed in our execution at numerous junctures along the way. At this point, I doubt we will end up in a situation that anyone is happy with no matter who wins the election, and there will be a lot more heartbreak before we’re done.
By the way, Karl says I just contributed to the Philosophy of Terror with my answer there, and that my scare tactics aren’t good for the security of the nation.
7) How can people say Return of the King is the best Lord of the Rings film? We all know Fellowship was the bomb.
Here’s the deal: I would have been happy to call Return the best of the three, except the last thirty minutes kind of ruin it for me. Yaaaawn. Don’t get me wrong, Return is great, and as a Magic player, I can definitely appreciate the latent homosexual undercurrent going on through the entire series (ah, but that’s another series of questions entirely, isn’t it?). Fellowship is also an outstanding movie. However, in a situation like this, I think you run the Empire Gambit, and say that the middle movie of the three is actually the best of the lot.
I expect I’ll need new pants when the LoTR fanatics in the forums get through flaming my ass for that one. No, that was not me tying the “latent homosexuality” barb back into my answer. Time to move on before I get in trouble.
8) Is the media being too hard on Dan Rather? Should there be a “Rathergate”?
Nope. CBS “news” is officially a clusterf***, and Rather is not only the figurehead here, but he’s also a catalyst for this image. The folks over at the actual 60 Minutes (and not the embarrassing 60 Minutes II) actually wanted to disown the entire network because of Rather’s hackwork. I think Rather should have been forced out years ago, but the National Guard Papers fiasco was definitely the last straw. There were only two people in recent memory who I’ve been more shocked kept their jobs, and those were George Tenet and Ron Zook. Guess what they both have in common?
9) Where are Kerry’s Golden Medals?
Magic 8 Ball says, “Answer unknown, consult again soon.”
10) Is there anything that will ever beat Affinity besides Affinity with a rate greater than fifty percent without completely losing to every other deck in the format?
On this one, I can answer a triumphant: yes! States results have shown that there are decks that can not only beat Affinity, but can also survive the field. It will take a while to figure out which of these new decks is the best, and then to determine whether they can be hated out, but I’m quite happy to say that for now, Affinity appears to be very beatable (and by decks that are often fun to play, no less).
That’s all for now kiddies. See you tomorrow.
Teddy Card Game
The Holy Kanoot
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