Many of you are aware of the enigma that is Anthony”Tony” Boydell… but how many of you really know him? Well, be prepared to find out more than even Yawgmoth Bargained for. (That was a pun, chief.)
I sat down with”Tony” in his massive foyer (well, he sat; I was forced to stand; and sternly warned to not make eye contact) in his luxurious Forest of Dean Manse to delve deep into the mystery that is one Mr. Anthony”Tony” Boydell.
So, we sit, and”Tony,” adorned in nothing but his black Speedo and a fat gold chain wrapped around a Mercedes hood ornament, offered up McDonald’s cheeseburgers. After I had picked off all the friggin’ onions, I enjoyed a few burgers from the feedbag that Mr. Boydell’s manservant had outfitted me with. After a nearly orgasmic man-sized belch, I began the seemingly impossible task of…
Understanding Anthony”Tony” Boydell
Q. So, Mr. Boydell, are you guys still pissed about that Revolutionary War thing?
A. No, I don’t THINK so. It was SUCH a long time ago, and we’ve made up since, haven’t we? I mean, World War II and all. If anything, we’re all a bit glad to be rid of you – such a lot of grass to mow on a Sunday morning and no sense of irony!
(Writer’s note: As of November 1, irony is banned in Type 2.)
Q. Did you ever meet Prince William, and if so, is he really as dreamy as he looks in People magazine?
A. Dreamy? Is he EVER! (swoons) He’s such a DISH!
Q. Are you guys ever gonna stop calling soccer”football?” Because that is really annoying.
A. Listen – we move the ball about with our feet and sometimes our head and/or chest, but primarily our FEET – hence the name FOOT BALL. You guys sometimes use your feet, but mainly throw the ball about and catch it – WITH YOUR HANDS. I believe the European Court of Dictionary English will stand by us on this one.
(Writer’s note: In a landmark decision, the European Court of Dictionary English did indeed side with Mr. Boydell. I, for one, believe that nepotism played no part.)
Q. Did you ever flick boogers at the Buckingham Palace guards?
A. No, but I did once sick a burger over Lindsey Buckingham’s fireguard – does that count?
(Writer’s note: Because the question was vaguely phrased, Mr. Boydell’s answer will be permitted to ‘count.’)
Q. How do you spell Lhurgoyf in Britain or England, or wherever the hell you’re from?
A. The same way you guys do, only we add an extra U – have you guys got something against the last vowel in the alphabet i.e., color instead of colour, favor instead of favour, etc.?
(Writer’s note: Yes, we do.) (Editor’s note: And since Microsoft, and American company, makes all the spellcheckers, we win.)
Q. Is it true that the BBC televises the House of Lords debates regarding the proposed banning of Necropotence?
A. Yes. But only when everyone sat down and stopped throwing bubblegum.
Q. Just what the hell does Takklemaggot do?
A. I believe it’s a genital infection?
(Writer’s note: After conferring with Sheldon Menery, Level 3.1416 (or 22/7 for the decimally impaired) Judge, Mr. Boydell’s answer was deemed correct. Which segues into the next question…)
Q. Since you are a level MCMVII to the third power carry the one-apostrophe-s Judge, I have a few rules questions if ya don’t mind…
A. I do mind, actually. If you ask me any questions, I shall be forced to hit you with this giant inflatable corncob.
(Produces giant inflatable corncob in an intimidating manner)
Q. Should Rofellos really count as an elf?
(Bops Mr. Friggin’ Rizzo in the temple with a giant inflatable corncob)
A. He has ‘ELF’ anagramised (with an S, not a Z) in his name. And he’s got pointy ears.
Q. If a player has an Opalescence, a Parallax Wave, a Humility, and Angelic Chorus in their graveyard, then casts Replenish, should that player be shot directly in the head, or be beaten and dragged into the woods and left for the ants? The official DCI stance, please.
(Assault the sideways facets of Mr. Rizzo, J-Friggin’s head with a pumped-up replica of a popular Texan meal vegetable)
A. Both, provided they stay alive long enough. Actually, let me make this clear: Do the second thing first, otherwise the second thing will be a little dull.
(Writer’s note: Does-he-have-a-first-name D’Angelo has verified the above answer to be, in his words,”borderline retarded, but dead nuts accurate.”)
Q. Was Mike Long originally drawn nude on Rootwater Thief?
(There follows a jolly green giant product/JFR-nasal region interface)
A. That is true! Now you know why he’s called Mike LONG!
Q. Why is Chinese so damned hard to learn?
A. Wha? It obviously isn’t, seeing as one in four people on the bleedin’ planet manage to cope with it!
Q. Boxers or briefs?
A. Ali was the greatest, and then there’s Raymond Burr – maybe we could combine the two: Ali McBurr? (I’d put that up against Ally McBeal any day – The Ferrett)
Oh sorry, you were talking about naughty-bits coverage, weren’t you? Well, briefs mainly, ‘coz I always get that boxer split the wrong way round.
(After this grueling session, Mr. Boydell asked if we could take five, as the pressure was making his Speedos get all bunged up. Mr. Boydell then stated that he enjoyed it when his Speedos got all bunged up, grabbed a trenchcoat from the hall closet, and headed upstairs with the quickness.
(Thirty minutes later, I could hear Mr. Boydell’s voice emanating from what sounded like a bullhorn. I could barely make out what he was saying, but from what I gathered he was in all likelihood performing an exorcism.
(When he returned, and not wanting to offend Mr. Boydell, I discreetly asked him if everything was all right. He then produced a Snow-Covered Forest, looked at me angrily and said”WHAT THE [DELETED] DO YOU [DELETED] THINK I WAS [DELETED] DOING UP THERE YOU [DELETED] PIECE OF [DELETED]?!”
(Once I had finished crying, Mr. Boydell produced a tissue, [actually, I think it was a sock] from his Speedos and lovingly wiped away my tears. I still get chills to this day.)
Q. If you were a Magic card, could you be played any time one could play an instant?
A. No, I’d be an interr…
Q. Would you have echo?
A. Let me finish! I said I’d be an interr…
Q. Britney or Christina?
A. Let me finish! I said I’d be an interr – Christina for taking out on the town, Britney for the naughty stuff.
Q. Does Alex Trebek really know all those answers?
A. Could you ask Mr. Trebek who he is? Thanks!
(Writer’s note: I attempted to ask Mr. Trebek who he is, but he just answered me in the form of a question and ran off, yelling,”I’ll take ‘the rapists’ for 200.”)
Q. Does Regis Philbin?
A. Fill bin with what? Rubbish? Chicken parts? What colour (with a U, dangit – that’s HOW you spell it) are his overalls?
Q. If you could braid any Magic writer’s hair, who would you choose? And would you choose French Braids, Dreadlocks, or pig tails?
A. I’d back-comb Jamie Wakefield Barnett until he looked like someone from Rose Royce, then we’d karaoke our way through disco hits of the 70’s until we were arrested.
(Writer’s note:”Car Wash,” performed by Rose Royce, was one of the disco era’s most beloved tunes. Rose Royce are probably best remembered for their beloved disco era tune”Car Wash.”)
Q. Explain the meaning of life in one word, please.
A. Misleading.
Q. Weren’t you actually killed in Desert Storm?
A. No. That was the OTHER me.
Q. If you were a mailman, would you steal everyone’s pornography?
A. What are you trying to say? You have no ACTUAL evidence, do you – er, not that there could be any, of course. Just you stop that slanderous scandalmongering, you arse-faced hack! (Calling in direction of the Security bunker) Pietro! Pietro! Release the dogs!
Q. How many angels can you fit on the head of a pin?
A. Four hundred – four hundred and two if one of them is in a wheelchair.
Q. School us: Chicken or egg?
A. Neither. Chickens evolved from fireproof furniture (sofas, occasional tables and the like) and the egg is a figment of our imaginations.
Q. If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one to hear it, then where the hell did all those friggin’ elves go?
A. I believe they squat in the piss-ridden corners of cheap fantasy novels.
Q. Would you rather have multiple wives or a harem?
A. A harem, definitely. Multiple wives means multiple alimony at some point (or just a lot of long trips away at weekends). Keep ’em all in one place, I say – preferably next to the kitchen and the vacuum cleaners or polish.
(Writer’s note: Mr. Boydell is currently lobbying for the repeal of Women’s Suffrage.)
Q. Are you upset that Tea/Crumpets was not a split card in Invasion?
A. Not really. I’m more unnervingly (and unnecessarily) aggressive about the absence of Rat/Parrot, Dog/Bone, and the ubiquitous Up [DELETED] Creek/No Paddle.
(Writer’s note: Up [DELETED] Creek/No Paddle is slated for release in the large expansion in 2003, codenamed”Misanthrope.”)
Q. I read in Rolling Stone that you jammed with Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr at your manse in Stratford upon Avon. Tell us a little about that.
A. I didn’t – you must be confusing me with George Harrison – we’re a lot alike, only he has a longer goatee…
…and more hair…
…and more money…
(Writer’s note: Mr. Boydell vehemently denies being the Fifth Beatle.)
Q. Overall, who is the cuter band: New Kids on the Block or N’Sync?
A. Neither. They both look like they’ve been walloped with the ugly stick.
Q. If pie are square, where does that leave cornbread?
A. Inversely proportional to the volume of the displaced liquids (on the hypotenuse only, of course – ha! nearly missed that one!).
Q. I’ve heard that the expression”I hate you and wish you would get hit by a truck and choke to death on your own blood and vomit” is considered an insult in your country. Why is that?
A. Truck rhymes with (That’s enough of that – Ed)
(Who is this Ed person and what is he doing in an article that I’m editing? – The Ferrett)
Q. Is”pushpin” really the only word that rhymes with”orange?”
A. No – in some areas it is legally accepted to use ‘SEEPAGE.’
Q. When Nuclear Winter hits the UK, what will you be wearing?
A. I shall probably be nuzzling a furry muff…
(Writer’s note: After hearing Mr. Boydell’s answer, I excused myself so I could gargle and floss.)
Q. Is it true that you are Boris Yeltsin’s cousin?
A. No. I’m his twin sister.
Q. What is the reason for your deep animosity towards”Randy” Randy Buehler?
A. It’s the whole ‘Buehler Blue’ thing. A deck that a lot of people had been playing and developing, and then the rotund pie-nosher Godzillas his portly frame into the M:tG arena and proclaims it as his own.
(Writer’s note: Actually, that is not true. Mr. Buehler is not a pie-nosher.)
Q. Did you have anything to do with the mysterious”Y2K” bug?
A. No. I’m responsible for the Ebola virus and slip-on shoes.
Q. I’ve heard rumors of a passionate affair with Kathy Lee Gifford. Care to elaborate?
A. No.
(Writer’s note: There are currently plans for a made-for-television”docudrama” based on Mr. Boydell’s affair with Kathy Lee. Denzel Washington is slated to play”Tony,” while Dick Van Patten is in negotiations to play Kathy Lee.)
Q. What the hell is (Limp Bizkit frontman) Fred Durst’s problem?
A. I am not aware of neither their music or their politics preferring, instead, to fill my head with innocent pop melodies from the likes of Ben Folds Five, Jeff/Tim Buckley, Tom Waits, Nick Drake, Steely Dan, Talk Talk, XTC, Marvin Gaye, Crowded House, Led Zeppelin, Benn, Blur (not those strangely-eyebrowed charlatans OASIS), Vaughan-Williams, the Beatles, Jellyfish…
(Writer’s note: After the ugly stagediving incident at CBGB’s involving Fred Durst, Mr. Boydell’s attorney has advised him to remain silent.)
Q. Any truth to the rumor that you are slated to be the next James Bond?
A. No. That’s a stupid question as well, if you don’t mind me saying.
(Writer’s note: Since posting, I have learned that Mr. Boydell is indeed slated to be the next James Bond in the 2002 release tentatively titled”You Only Live Twice, Unless You’re Playing White.”)
Q. Mr. Boydell, you probably knew this question was going to come up, but the people do have a right to know – so the final question is…
We’ve all seen the video clips on The Internet, and many of us were shocked. Do you regret them at all?
A. No. The stretch marks won’t go by themselves, though, and I’ve not heard from the Denver Broncos since. Still, the fruit lasted a good couple of weeks and the message from Her Majesty was a comfort.
——————————————————————————————-
I would like to thank Anthony”Tony” Boydell for taking time for this interview. Hopefully you will come away with a deeper understanding of just what makes this man tick.
John Friggin’ Rizzo
[email protected]
Chief on Irc
GrandPoohbahRizzo on CNBC
GangstaChief of the Booya Tribe on PBS
President of NATO
ThatShiftyJohnGuy@family reunions
DagHammerskojld in 1970
Born on the 4th of July
Not a nephew of Francis Ford Coppola
TheLonelyGuy@DCI sanctioned tourneys
BrokenPlayerRizzo@WoTC
Barney on The Simpsons
BritneySpearsSugarDaddy on Entertainment Tonight
PeterJennings of World News Tonight
StevieRayVaughnLive@Red Rock
JoePantoliano in The Matrix
[email protected]
ChuckD of Public Enemy
[email protected]
One of the Wayans brothers
[email protected]
MasterOfAllThingsRandom in Life
You saw it here first:
Chief dot decque
4X Llanowar Elves
4X Fyndhorn Elves
3X Birds of Paradise
4X Natural Order
4X Blastoderm
2X Verdant Force
1X Yavimaya Ants
1X Multani, Maro-Sorcerer
4X Fallow Earth
4X Thermokarst
4X Winter’s Grasp
4X Creeping Mold
1X Desert Twister
2X Gaea’s Cradle
3X Ancient Tomb
15X Forest
So there…