The Combat Phase — Tip Day

Another week, another seven days of tinkering with my Green/Black "Busted at Three" deck.

For reference, here’s the list:

Busted At Three

Jamie Wakefield

Test deck on 05-13-2007

Standard

Creatures (25)

Lands (23)

Spells (12)

Sideboard

I add Seize your Soul to the maindeck because… you know, who plays White and Black creatures anyway?

The Queues hate me.

I take out Stupor, and I face Dragonstorm four times in a row.

I add in Seize the Soul, and take on four Angelfire decks in a row. You know, the Blue/Red/WHITE decks, whose main creature can’t be killed by Seize the Soul?

One of them was even Black/White/Blue. It was running Angel of Despair, which I couldn’t kill with either Nekrataal or Seize the Soul.

Some fun. Me, playing Black, losing to creatures. It’s just not right. And the second I make a change to the deck – by, say, removing the Stupors and the Seize the Soul for something safer, less risky, and also less effective – I’ll enter the queues and face Dragonstorm, MGA, and Gruul for a dozen games in a row.

Someone up there hates me.

Fine. I will not lose to any more creatures.

I move back to the Putrefies, and even remove the Stupor’s for Sudden Death. Once more into the breach, and again I face an Angelfire and lose.

This is impossible.

How can a deck with four maindeck Nekrataal, Sudden Death, and Putrefy lose to a deck with eight creatures? Only four of which are actually threats?

Having already had a rough day, and being extremely stressed, I find some hard alcohol and get drunk. Then I lie on the bed and think about the past and present sins I must need to atone for. Nothing comes to mind. I can’t fall into a blissful sleep, so I flip open my new Atlanta Cutlery Corp catalog.

Usually, said catalogue is filled with fantasy swords and outfits. Leather boots. Fantasy Axes. Today’s is more “Spy-wear” oriented. Belt buckle knives. Sword canes. Sword umbrellas. What the hell?

Windlass Rapier Umbrella –“Inspired by the English spy craze of the sixties, our fully functional sword umbrella evokes images of dashing agents. The extremely high quality European umbrella design is mated perfectly to a fully functional, 28 3/4" high carbon steel rapier blade that has a superior temper.”

I could have used that last week, while standing in the rain. Of course, now I would be in jail instead of here typing this, but whatever.

Of course, if drawing a sword isn’t enough, you can always get the Stiletto Rapier Cane – “Just push down on and twist the attractive, textured button in the top of the head, and a full size stiletto can be drawn. Pushing the lock button halfway down the shaft allows you to smoothly remove a compact rapier blade for a double surprise.”

That’s right. Someone attacks you thinking they’re going to have easy prey from a man lame enough to need a cane… and voila! Suddenly you’re Drizzt! Oh yeah, they sell recreations of his swords, too.

I set aside my spy fantasies and stare at the ceiling.

You know what I’ve always loved? Green. You know what else I love? Smashing people in the face while they try to do dumb things with Signets and Compulsive Research.

I don’t remember a time when MGA was as fast as it is right now. Or had the tools it does in Scryb Ranger, Dryad Sophisticate, Moldervine Cloak, Silhana Ledgewalker, and icky disgusting insects that my black side can’t target with Sudden Death, Putrefy, or Seize the Soul.

I quit playing Mono-Green for a bit to work on multiple colors. I’ve been playing with Black/Green, Green/Red, Red/Blue, Green/Blue, and all of them have been… well, bad. And you know why? Here, let me quote an expert to illustrate.

“Mid-range decks suck right now.” – Everyone.

I roll off the bed and go look at the MGA deck I have. I remove two Thundermares, one Stonewood Invocation, and four Spectral Force and add in another land, two Might of Oaks, and four icky slavering drooling insects you really want on your side kept under lock and key until the fighting starts.

Mono-Green Aggro

Jamie Wakefield

Test deck on 05-20-2007

Standard

Creatures (24)

Lands (23)

Spells (13)

Sideboard

I don’t really need the extra mana tricks that Scryb Ranger provides, but with Flash, Flying, land destruction protection, and protection from Blue, he’s still amazing.

I enter the gauntlet once more. Round 1: Angelfire. What the hell is with all the Angelfire decks?

I win the first, and sideboard in nothing. I lose the second, but win the third like he’s not even there. He plays a Signet, a Court Hussar, and a couple of Compulsive Researches before he’s eaten by insects. Some good.

Next round is a Locket of Yesterdays Storm deck. I win the first, side in Allosaurus Riders, and win the second by playing three Allosaurus Riders and one land. The whole game I was screaming for another land.

Round 3, happily, my opponent doesn’t ask for a draw. I don’t like drawing. He is with Gruul, and I have learned how to beat Gruul. You remember that You Are The Beatdown. That’s how you beat Green/Red. Admittedly, my opponent has to mulligan to five and still beats me the first game. I side in some Hunted Whoop-ass, draw one, and make him a 9/9. You know what guy is just fantastic against Blue and really not so hot against a Hunted Whoop-ass?

Sulfur Elemental.

I got a 6/6, and you got to put a guy into play for free that you were going to play at the end of my turn anyway. I will take that bargain every time. Then I will throw a Moldervine Cloak on him and I will not sit back and defend. I will remember that I am the beatdown and win 4 packs. Because I did it again next game too.

Ah, it’s good to be home.

…

Today is Tip Day.

When teaching new people to play Magic, don’t include creatures that can be pumped.
When teaching new people to play Magic, don’t be trying to learn a new language at the same time.
Don’t teach three people at once.
The less alcohol the better.

Lena and Stefan come over one day for drinks and debauchery. Debauchery means playing Magic and talking about sex. Wendy has the best friends. Stefan doesn’t speak English as well as he speaks Spanish. But he does speak English. I don’t speak Spanish. There will be times when we’ll be debating something, it will get hotly contested, and everyone will start speaking English too fast and Stefan will go silent since he can’t keep up. Then some other point will get hotly contested, and Stefan will break down into Spanish to make his point. Lena and Wendy join him, and I sit there in silence. We have alternating times of the two men in the room being silent, wondering what the hell is going on for up to ten minutes at a time. After a while, we have finished dinner and move to the living room for some Magic tutorial.

Stefan is especially interested because he actually has a bunch of cards. He’s a gamer, and has a subscription to some gaming service that sends him magazines, cards, and lord knows what else. All I know is that, for some reason, he keeps getting Magic cards in the mail, and desperately wants to know what they do.

We sit down, and I have made up four very basic decks – in the four weakest colors in Magic – that illustrate each color’s theme. The Green deck has Tarpans, Woolly Mammoth, and Force of Nature. The White deck has a variety of Angels, protection creatures, and Castle. Black has a lot of creature kill and some powerful weenies with drawbacks, like Skulking Ghost and Skittering Scourge. Red has some Minotaurs and burn.

We gather around the table. I take Green. I give Wendy White, Stephan Red, and Lena Black. I explain the themes, and Wendy and Lena explain some words to Stephan. Then they explain some words to me, and then we start. I tell everyone to draw seven cards and lay them flat on the table, playing with our hands open so I can explain each card. Everyone is fascinated by the art. Everyone is full of “what’s this do” spirit, grabbing cards off the table that appeal to them.

Getting to the point… I had forgotten how baffling Magic is to explain. Especially with a few drinks in everyone. And three people at once all looking at cards. And terms being translated into Spanish, and lessons on Spanish for me. And refilling of glasses, and all the intricacies of a turn.

“Untap, then pay upkeep, then draw.”
I explain upkeep.
“So I have to pay for my Ghost again?”
“No.”
“Okay, now it’s the main phase, do you want to do something before you enter combat?”
“Like what?”
“Well, you could use your Dark Banishing to kill a creature in play.”
“Should I?”
“Well, that’s a powerful spell. Right now, the only thing on the board is a Tarpan and a Hurloon Minotaur. You might want to save it for something bigger, like this Force of Nature I have here.”
“Oooh, let me see that. What’s trample mean?”
Every looks at the card as it’s passed around.
“Okay, I’ll save it for that. What happens now?”
“Now you enter combat.”
“My Ghost will attack your pony.”

How did this game ever get off the ground?

The most confusing part for new players? Creatures that can be pumped. Don’t even go there.

…

A while ago, Ben Bleiweiss gave his readers some helpful tips on losing weight. In that same vein, I’m going to follow his lead. I offer some advice on losing weight and buying clothes.

Don’t eat white Bread. Wheat Bread actually helps you lose weight, while white bread is empty calories.

See, this was very hard for me to understand. A calorie is a calorie, isn’t it? If I only eat 500 calories a day, why does it matter if they’re empty or not? See, that’s one of the tricks of weight loss. If you restrict your calorie intake, there is a good chance you will go into starvation mode. That’s when your body sees that you’re not getting enough food, so it just saves all the calories it gets for life support, or else it stores it for life support later and doesn’t give you good energy for stuff like thinking and running.

Eating healthy and wise makes you lose a lot more weight than starving yourself.

You want to eat small portions of the best foods, four or five times a day. Food that slowly burns like charcoal throughout the day, as opposed to food that evaporates and gives you a quick rush and makes you crave more.

The best foods are oatmeal, chicken, fish, lean cuts of beef, fruits, veggies, and potatoes.

Almost every day I would eat Oatmeal in the morning. I’d take a Subway Whole Wheat Cajun Chicken Sandwich for lunch, and stop at the fish market on the way home for my dinner supplies. Usually salmon.

I can speak with authority that it works.

I have dropped from 213 lbs to 176. When Mathieu came to pick me up for our night on the town in Paris, he told me “I didn’t even recognize you. You’ve evaporated since the last time I saw you.”

Wendy has great style. Since I lost 37 pounds, and she always looks so great, I asked her to help me get some new clothes. Sure, I have clothes in my closet that I saved from long ago when I used to be thin. Superman Shirts. Polos from my dad. Pants that Wendy will later refer to as my “too legit to quit” pants.

See, you might not know this, but there are different styles of jeans. When I used to shop for jeans, I would just get the right size legs and waist and go home.

Tips on Shopping for Magic Geeks (Like Me).

Find a friend who has style. Take her shopping with you. If you have a girlfriend with style, all the better. Try on clothes until she gets a certain twinkle in her eye that you think indicates lust. Buy that outfit.
Go to The Gap, Levis, Banana Republic.
Get 15 items from the racks and go into the dressing room. Different sizes, different colors, different styles. Bring in M, L, and XL, and try them all on. One size will actually look better than the others. Honest. I tried on five styles of jeans before we found out what looked good on me.
Find the style that fits you. And I don’t mean around the waist. I used to wear anything that didn’t feel too snug around my waist. Wendy tells me my old clothes looked like Hammer Time; because I had so much fabric around my thighs and calves. Despite being 176 lbs, I’m a slim guy. “Slim” and “Slim Straight Fit” pants look the best on me.
Buy some new clothes. Styles change. My polo shirts from ten years ago look completely different than the polo shirts I bought last week.
To make your upper body look bigger, wear a button down shirt, roll up the sleeves, and then force the sleeves up above your elbows. It supports the shirt and makes your shoulders look bigger.
Find the colors that look good on you. Bring in a variety of colors. I look good in blue and green. [You look good in green? Well, whaddaya know! – Craig, amused.] White mixed with light green makes me look sickly and pale. Black makes me look like an old man trying to be Goth.

…

Those dressing and eating tips are all things on which I had no idea . While I still love my Magic and Superhero T-Shirts, it’s nice to have some clothes that are actually stylish. Stuff that’s good to wear when going out to a club. Or for vacation photos. It’s nice to know they are there if you need them.

…

Enough tips for this week. MTGO is calling me.

Wish me luck.

Jamie.