AuthorTony Costa

I have to admit I haven’t exactly treated graves with the respect they deserve. I remember being three or four years old and trying to dig into a relative’s grave with a tiny plastic shovel because I wanted to sit in her lap one last time. I am pleased to announce, however, that these days my abuses are confined to graveyards in the game of Magic. I am more pleased to announce that I have developed yet another deck that abuses the graveyard in an incredibly efficient manner: Tombstoned!

I have only ever played in one DCI- sanctioned tournament – and that was nine years ago. Obviously, my experience was less than stellar. But I want to relate my experience to you here and now because, from what I’ve been reading around the ‘net, the negative stuff I encountered long ago is still running rampant on the tourney scene today (though mostly at the lower levels of the scene). By sharing my story, I think some of you will be able to identify with me as I put into words the generally bad atmosphere that exists at many of these events. Also, I will provide a few pointers along the way that will hopefully help you improve your game and turn your tournament into a positive experience.

What I’m going to say today needs saying if for no other reason than it may save some innocent victims a few hard-earned dollars and run-ins with some unsavory leeches that are sucking this game dry. I will be exposing a couple of back room practices that occur in many gaming establishments and even in tournament settings – and even accepted as the “norm” in some cases – but designed to separate the uninformed (or the “unconnected”) from their cards and their money.

I’ve been playing a lot of multiplayer Magic lately…with college students. You know what that means if you’re a working stiff like me? You get to see supposedly-grown “men” cry like four-year-olds when you pull out your $300, forty-eight rare Sneak Attack deck.

“That’s no fair!” they cry dejectedly. “You can afford all those good cards, while all of us combined only own a tenth what you have!” So I then showed them that I can win without rare-filled decks… And so can you!

We can’t run Tony’s opening paragraph on the front page because this is a family website, but it goes without saying that he’s pissed off at the behavior he’s seen in both casual and competitive circles recently, as well as on our very own forums. If some blithering idiot has textually assualted you online recently and you’ve been looking for a place to vent, Tony is there for you.

You are covered head-to-toe in welts and bruises, lice, and bodily wastes. Worse: you are bound hand and foot, your limbs are stretched to the four winds on the rack, and your captor stands above you mocking your every breath. You can’t move, you can hardly breath, and every time you try to sleep or escape into the recesses of your mind your captor turns the wheel yet another notch. There is absolutely nothing you can do but suffer… and, eventually, die. Welcome to the hell that is Krark-Clan Ironworks.

As a consequence of losing… a lot, I have accumulated far more tales involving the “agony of defeat” than those concerning the glory of victory. In fact, sometimes I get so wrapped up in the feelings of anguish and impending doom while losing a match that I just can’t separate fact or fiction into two neat little piles. The blows to my psyche actually feel like physical blows to the head. Defeat on Dominaria is almost a palpable death. Losing a game hits me harder than losing my job (hah!), my wife (done!), or my beer (Nooooooo!) — in that order.

Guaranteed to make you crack a smile or two or your money back, even for you non-Multiplayer-article-reading-persons!

When Bazaar of Wonders comes into play, it removes all graveyards from the game, and it counters any future spell having the same name as a card in play or in the graveyard. This has always been a pretty powerful card if you can break its symmetry, as it can single-handedly shut down up to three-quarters of the spells in many opponent’s decks and is particularly brutal against combo-style decks. With the invention of Flashback, Morph, and the Wish cycle from Judgement, I take it upon myself to inform you that this card is now officially”Bah-roken”!

Today’s article is dedicated to those who responded to my last article,”The Art of Retaliation,” asking for a deck that I use in my group games to”punish” transgressors who have had the audacity to beat me. Me! Well, let me share the only deck in my collection that’s undefeated in a dozen games – and show you how to lay the smackdown with global annihilation!

If you are going to lose, make sure you take names and numbers and get to work on paybacks! Be the alpha male – or female! The next time someone takes you out or performs an otherwise despicable act, do your best”Godfather” imitation and kiss them on the cheeks! Pull out pennies and stick them in their eyes! Rub garlic on your dice! And above all, let me show you how to do it!

The ultimate goal of this deck is to lock the table down by removing every permanent in play via Tradewind Riders, tying up their mana with Tangle Wire or Mishra’s Helix, or countering every spell they cast – all possible due to Seedborn Muse. It can kill by decking, since you can forgo drawing cards forever with Chronatog in play; by untapping and pinging with Reveka every turn; or by pumping up Avizoas or Chronatogs and attacking when you have cleared all their creatures out of the way. The deck does all of this while giving away perhaps the most crucial resource of all: Your turns!

In Houston, I once witnessed an eight-year-old kid (who inherited his brother’s cards once he went into the army) trade a Juzam Djinn for a Mahamoti Djinn. He didn’t want to do the trade initially, but the jerk adult who pushed for it got him to change his mind by pointing out how the Juzam”hurts” him while the Mahamoti not only flies, but has greater toughness…

Two friends of mine were looking through their meager collection to see what kind of sickness they could put together with what little they had, when whatever they were smoking gave them a vision of the seventh plane of hell. I mean, look at that steaming pile! Only four rares, and the only good ones are the Balthors. Cabal Ritual? Morality Shift? Overeager Apprentice?! Ha!!!! Hey, don’t laugh. It works.

I have no quarrel with people who throw around twenty-point Drain Lifes or someone who triple-Spirit Links their Exalted Angels. These may be examples of sick, disgusting excess – but at least these people are advancing the game state. They are actually doing damage, not hiding behind unassailable walls and gaining life for the pure sake of gaining life. Well, friends, I want to say that I have the cure for this never-attacking, death-by-boredom madness…. And it’s something I work with every day.