Whose Number Two?

Mister Boydell comes from behind to win the tournament! Wait, he doesn’t come from behind… but SOMETHING does…

1-2-3-4 Can I Have A Little More?
It amazes and dumbfounds me that man can behave so irresponsibly and so uncaringly toward his fellow man. Such depravation; such vile and scum-ridden acts. In the light of such atrocities, how can one sleep at night knowing that the perpetrators are at large, wantonly perverting and despoiling the world with their personal brand of filth and corruption?

I am, of course (for those that were there on that fateful weekend), referring to the state of the Gentlemen’s toilets at the Barcelona PTQ in Nottingham.*

I (still) find it astonishing that so much sh*t can come out of so few people in such a short space of time.***

I mean given that the doors opened 0930-ish and I, in my desperation after two hours ‘on-the-road,’ entered said ‘Dumporium’ at approximately 0945, that leaves only fifteen minutes for the poo-ish equivalent of the Titanic-sinking iceberg to appear (and then rupture) the sanitary facilities.


I mean, how on earth could this monstrous travesty have happened? Did the offenders (there must’ve been two, because both latrines were ‘overwhelmed’*****) abstain from all ‘movements’ over the Christmas period, with the expressed intention of committing this heinous act at this particular time in this particular place?

How was said offence successfully completed without the crowded hall being alerted by screams of ‘passing pain’?++

Or maybe we’re looking at an Orient Express-type solution to this coprophilial conundrum? Perhaps ALL in the hall were culpable – adding, bit by bit, their own personal contribution to the bottom-based blockage?


It cast rather a dark brown shadow over the rest of the day, I can tell you! Still, we were lucky enough to have full access to the Ladies for the duration.+++

Anyway, I’ll not drift into some half-arsed, skull-numbing tournament report because, frankly, it was NOT a great day for my Magic playing. I was disappointed that my first-round opponent snatched a draw from a one-nil loss in the LAST TURN OF THE FIVE EXTRA TURNS. I don’t think that, overall, I played badly – I just played indifferently with an indifferent Sealed deck. By the fourth round, my lift and I had agreed to go home regardless of the result of the round, so it was all over bar the shouting.

5-6-789-10 I Love You
Still, when all is said and done, I did manage to trade for a set of Guru lands. Could this be regarded as a result ? Undoubtedly.

Finally, some fish-based Magic cards.++++

Wrath of Cod
Null Rudd
Viashino Grouper
Soltari Monkfish
Swordfish of the Ages
Marlin Wizard
Bream Halls
Stickleback to Basics
Any Salmon Creature card
Tuna Wolves/Final Fortuna
Colossus of Sardine
Pilchard Tombs of Aku
Dover Sole Net/Lemon Sole Warden
Shelkin Prawnie
Bass to Basics
Mogg Squid
Llanowar Caviary
Spider Clam
Mussel Sliver
Eel of Fortune

Enough already! May the farce be with you…

Ciao babies,

Tony Boydell

* – "Nottingham, England" which is famous for SHERWOOD FOREST – and not, as it says in the Euroland Set #3, ‘Nottingham Forest’ (which is a rather sad football** club)

** – That’s Association Football, where one uses one’s FEET (as suggested in the name of the game) and not one’s hands – otherwise it’d be called Handball, wouldn’t it?

*** – Not being one to have followed the Presidential election particularly closely

**** – Can you hear me at the back?

***** -I suppose it could’ve been just the one culprit, who deposited his payload in two ceramic-shattering instalments

++ – It looked as if someone had tried to flush away a gruddam bowling ball

+++ – I can’t say they were too impressed with this (snigger)

++++ – Because I want to, okay?