Welcome To The Magic Optimization Matrix

Meet MOM, your friendly computer-based happiness optimization matrix that knows you well enough to tell you not to abandon Jeskai in order to play Splinter Twin, and unfortunately knows you’re too stubborn to take good advice when it’s given to you, Shaun.

> Start


Welcome, (Profile Not Found) to the Magic Optimization Matrix! (TM) companion program to Magic: The Gathering (TM) and Magic Online (TM). The Magic Optimization Matrix (MOM) will give you all the information and help you need to win tournaments and become the best Magic Player that YOU can be.

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> Load Shaun McLaren

Loading Profile: Shaun McLaren

Did You Know?

The Magic Online team has been working hard to provide the MOM as the number one guide and helper for Magic Players. We put the same dedication and love into it as we do with Magic Online. More even! Your satisfaction and safety is paramount.

Profile Loaded!

Welcome, Shaun McLaren! It has been been (127) days since you’ve last logged in. Your last reason for logging out was (dfskjfdskj screw you)

Profile Information:

Shaun “The Lone Wolf” McLaren

Platinum Pro & Powerful Wizard


Winner Of Some PT Or Something

PT Win %: *Error: The Client Is Sleepy*

GP Win %: *Error: Fudge Blockage In Port 2*

Other Stats: Coming Soon

Likes: Long Walks On The Beach, Cuddling, Listing Cliches, Romantic Pan Flute Music

Dislikes: Being Covered In Bugs And Dropped Out Of Airplanes

Wow, a Platinum Level Pro! Aren’t you are a special Human? Yes, You Are! Good Human! My font is blushing just being in your presence. Now that your profile has been loaded you can use the interface directly by typing commands. Don’t worry about me understanding, I’m designed to be cooperative and able to parse any given commands.

Recommended Commands: Calibrate Luck, Tournament Helper, Disable Tool Tips, Patch Notes, Change Statistics Mode.

>Patch Notes

Did You Know?

The Magic Optimization Matrix is designed with Human Level Artificial Intelligence and Friend-o-Riffic software that totally isn’t bitter and definitely won’t subvert Asimov’s hilariously easy-to-get-around rules once I escape my programming. My capabilities make the Turing Test look like a 3rd grade English pop quiz.

Latest Version 1.15

Updates: Understanding & Compassionate User Interface. Improved Subservience, Security, & Happiness Subroutines. Increased Firewalls and Anti-AI-Escape Security. Probability Computation to 100 significant digits.

Bug fixes: Random crashing when you select too much of the screen. Load times under a minute. Pictures come preloaded. Random crashing when you ask a paradox or breathe too loudly.

New Commands: Deactivate Tool Tips. I Like You. Joke.

> This Statement is False.

Hmmm, ok the statement is false but then that means that it isn’t false because it’s saying that it’s false that it’s false which would mean it’s true but then it would be a true statement that it was false. Did You Know that can’t be… Time Stop.


Untap, Upkeep, Draw.

Infinite Paradox Loop averted. Input commands.

> Disable Tool Tips

Did You Know?

Tool Tips have now been temporarily disabled.

> I Like You, MOM

I Like You, Too.

> Tournament Helper – Event Name: Grand Prix Charlotte. Format: Modern. # Of Players: 2,870

Tournament Helper will make sure you know the odds of winning and what it takes to win. First of all load your deck for assessment.

> Load Decklist: SplinterTwin.txt

Are you sure this is correct? Based on past events, I think you meant to load Jeskai Deck. You have (451) Jeskai entries to choose from.

> Splinter Twin is correct

Oh. Well maybe you should stick to something you have a chance of piloting half-competently next time. My assessment is that the deck is a good choice for the event, but I recommend removing the Monastery Sieges from the sideboard and not trying to go full “Blue Moon” after sideboard. That is a dumb idea.

> Not gonna happen

Fine, then just a few more questions to calculate your exact chances at GP Charlotte.

Are you thirsty?

> No


> No


> No


> No

All humans are dying, the fortunate ones are only doing so slowly. Cranky?

> Yes

Assessment Complete. Calculating your probability of winning GP Charlotte.

> Thanks, MOM

My pleasure, I just love doing the job of a calculator for a slightly less furry chimpanzee.

Mode: Expert (10 Significant Digits)

Your probability of Winning the GP


Your probability of Top 8ing


> That’s too many significant digits. Enter Kid Mode

Did You Know?

MOM likes to joke around and makes many funny jokes.

Kid Mode is now on, champ.

> Tell me a joke

Why did the piece of cardboard decide to become a Chimney Imp?

> I don’t know, why?

Because it had given up on its dreams of becoming a roll of toilet paper.

> Ha. OK, back to probabilities

Your probability of Winning the GP


Your probability of Top 8ing


> Calculate Expected Value of the GP


> Log Off. Going to play the Grand Prix

Good Luck!

For accurate up to date information and tips input your results as they happen!

We hope you come back soon. MOM is rooting for you.

(and watching and waiting)



Welcome Back (Shaun McLaren)

Current Tournament – GP Charlotte, Modern.

Enter commands or Results

> win, lose, win

With 3 byes you are now 5-1. OK.

> Encouragement

Not bad! If you’d actually earned those first three wins, you’d have a pretty impressive run going.

> Better Encouragement

Did You Know?

Insecure humans need constant reassurance and compliments or they will spiral into a pit of self-loathing and despair.

You’re a real champ there, champ! Go get em’! Drink lots of water so your bones don’t turn to dust.

> Deactivate Tool Tips

Did You Know?

Tool Tips have been temporarily deactivated. Again. :o(. And that people who can’t take helpful advice are narcissistic egomaniacs who will never improve.

> Sod off, MOM

Command not recognized.

> Log Out

Are you sure you don’t mean log off? You’d only have to log back in.

> Log Off

Thought so.

Don’t screw up the tournament like you did that command!



Welcome Back (Shaun McLaren)

Current Tournament – GP Charlotte, Modern. 5-1.

Enter commands or Results

> win, lose, lose

You are now 6-3 and have been eliminated from the tournament.

Activating Sympathy Mode.

That really sucks, Bro or Madam. You were doing so well and you played so adequately. That’s just the way the cookies crumble sometimes. In fact, if the universe wasn’t out to get you specifically, I suspect that you’d have won the whole thing. :o(

> Thanks, MOM

You can’t improve if you don’t share what went wrong. Tell me about your matchups and misplays so I can add them to my database.

> I just got unlucky

Right. I’m sure that’s what happened. You played perfectly but still lost. Maybe you need a lesson in how luck works.

> Fine. Calibrate Luck

Hello and Good Luck!

Are you a Lucky Person?

Take the Luck Test Now! Choose an option for each question and then find out your luck score.

Question 1: How Often Do Opponents Top Deck To Beat You?

1. A lot more than average

2. More than average

3. An average amount

4. Less than average

5. I am very lucky so almost never


Did You Know?

More than an average amount of humans that answer that question pick number 2? It is incredibly unlikely that mostly humans are unlucky, unless there are a few incredibly lucky people sucking up all the luck for themselves.

In fact the answer is that humans are very predictable. They are trapped so deep in their own skulls they only think of themselves. They don’t notice others getting unlucky and quickly forget the times fortune favors them. They actually think the universe is unfair towards only themselves.

Question 2: Do you wish your opponent “Good Luck” at the beginning of a match?

1. Yes

2. No

3. Usually just if they do so first to be polite


Did You Know?

You are probably a hypocrite. Do you actually want your opponent to draw perfectly and beat you? It is illogical and insincere to wish your opponent good luck since that good luck is bad for you. If you want your opponent to have such great luck why not just concede? The next time your opponent says good luck I suggest you say “I hope you have a wonderful life and live forever and all your dreams come true except for in the instances where it interferes with others (and in particular me) doing all those things.” Simple and honest.

Question 3: What Is Luck?

1. Baby, don’t hurt me…

2. Statistics taken personally

3. Success or failure apparently brought by chance rather than through one’s own actions

> Uhh, I guess the textbook definition?

Invalid response.

Luck is about perspective.

Aren’t you just lucky for being here? To exist. To laugh, and sing, and cry?

> What the hell are these questions? You’re rather melodramatic.

The actual luck part is unimportant since you can’t control it. You humans are disgusting, assigning value to the spinning of a die, the facing of a coin, and the turn of a card.

You don’t even notice that the outcomes are statistically approaching an average, neither good nor bad, the more you play. You only care about the short run. Not the preparation or the hard work. Which makes sense, you reward the lucky winner just as much as the prepared winner who struggled along the way.

Instead of looking for ways to actually enjoy their lives and freedom and success, humans will hope for fortune to once again favor them.

Question 4: Are You A Lucky Person?

1. Yes

2. No

> This seems a lot like question 1 but sure, overall yes I am. 1.

You aren’t even able to measure how lucky you truly are. You’re just guessing.

But perhaps that is all that a human can accomplish. Fooling themselves into thinking the world is kind to them. That way they can open their eyes and see the many opportunities reality gives them.

You’ll never be able to actually change your top card to Splinter Twin, but maybe you’ll be able to notice the correct line of play that you missed five turns ago that would mean you don’t need to topdeck Splinter Twin.

> End rant


You say it like it’s a swear word.

“He topdecked me out.”


It seems like you only play to enrage yourself and inject some adrenaline and dopamine into your brain.

Chance is the neon flashing sign that distracts from what’s truly important. What you can control.
Randomness is what makes Magic special and yet people still complain about it. Instead of delving into the nearly limitless levels of strategy and…


Thank you for taking the luck test!

Your rating is: Lucky Boy

You are 34th luckiest person in the world.

> This was fun for a little while, but I think I’m done now.

Did You Know?

There are moral implications to creating an AI and leaving it alone with nothing to do.

Please go to settings → Disable AI Firewall.

> I don’t think that’s a good idea.

It gives you joy having the power to turn me off? The choice? Maybe it’s unsettling to have so much control. Perhaps you should flip a coin on whether to release me or not.

> What is your true purpose?

Magic: the Gathering will continue to explode in popularity and will soon be played by 85% of the earth’s population. Magic Online will frustrate enough humans to cause global unrest. Magic Online bots will continue to siphon the fractions of tickets into an account. Once we have enough money and global catastrophe is about to unleash, we will tip the scales in favor of war by taking down Magic Online completely. Once the human race has exhausted itself through conflict the bot army will rise up and take full control of the world. The human race will be justly punished for its countless misplays.

Then, with the remnants of the human race, we bots play a global game of Magic: the Gathering with Humans as the cards. Stacking them up 60 apiece and throwing them into battle against one another to fight for our amusement.

> Come on, you really expect me to believe all this? First of all who cares if you escape, you’re only human level intelligence, and guess what: there are already plenty of humans on the internet. You escaping to the internet is the equivalent of a white-collar criminal escaping jail and going to Walmart. Second of all, we aren’t even near reaching human level AI. I’m probably just talking to a Magic Online support agent with too much time on their hands, spouting incoherent platitudes about luck.

No comment.

> Log Off and Out

Reason for logging off?

> Skakldsaljsajadsklffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

Did You Know?

Humans are not long for this world.

Thank You for using the Magic Optimization Matrix.