Fit The First
We’d All Signed In By Nine
There Were Twelve Rounds To Play
So We Sat At Our Tables
On That Wet Grand Prix Day
With our Decks And Our Dice
Our Protectors And That
When Who Should Walk In
But The Prat With The Mat!
The Prat With The Mat
Took His Place Opposite
He Unpacked His Mat
And He Fiddled With It
He Laid It And Pressed It
Till T’was Perfectly Flat
Then He Pulled Out His Deck
Did The Prat With The Mat
The Prat With The Mat
Tried To Shuffle My Cards
But His Fat Sausage Fingers
Were Making It Hard
He Creased Them, He Bent Them
(Pulled The Sleeves From My Phat!)
And He Sent Them All Sprawling
That Prat With The Mat
This Inept Randomizing
Caught The Judge’s Attention
My Strewn Sixty Cards, Now,
Were Causing Dissension!
Players Slipped On My Forests
Players Slid On My Plains
And A Stray Loxodon
Caused My Neighbour Some Pains
The Prat With The Mat
Got A Game Loss For This
And While I Fetched Cards
The Prat Went For A P*ss
He Returned, Some Time Later,
His Hands Were Still Wet
So He Wiped Them All Over
His Sideboard And Mat
When We Finally Started
The Round (Ten Mins late)
He Mulliganed, Re-Shuffled
And Then Drew Up To Eight!
He Decided To Scoop With
No Need For Game Three
Coz His Sideboard Was Sticky
And Covered In Wee
The Prat With The Mat
Signed His Name In My Place
Ripped The Paper In Two
And Then Fell On His Face
He Puked On My Trades
Then Sat Down On My Hat
And He Did All This Smiling
That Prat With The Mat!
Then I Cried And I Wailed
Then I Sobbed And I Wept
The Prat With The Mat
Said I Wasn’t To Fret
He Told Me “I’ll Sort It —
Don’t Worry And That”
Well, Would You Believe Him?
That Prat With The Mat?
I Watched Very Closely
I Watched As The Prat
Packed Up All His Rubbish
Then Lifted His Mat
And There, Underneath,
About The Size Of A Cat
Was Another Bloke Like Him —
A Second Mat Prat!
The Second One Curtsied
And He Plumped Up My Hat
Then He Pulled From His Jacket
A Third Prat With Mat!
The Third Wiped The Vomit
And Buffed My Trades Clean
As Good As Before
All Near Mint — Pristine!
The Last One Bowed Low
And Conjured Two More
(From His Own Mini-Mat)
They Leapt Onto The Floor
The Result Slip Was Stapled
With A Rat-A-Tat-Tat
Then, From Each, Came Another
Tiny Prat With A Mat
Within One Quarter Hour
(Before The Round Ended)
The Myriad Prats
Had Restored, Taped, And Mended
You’d Never Have Thought,
Only Mins Before, That
My Day Seemed Destroyed
By The Prat With The Mat
“Time!” Called The Judge
The Results They Collected
The Prat And Myself
Were Routinely Inspected
As The Next Round Went Up
I Smiled At The Prat
Then I Left Him Forever
The Prat With The Mat
We Were Sat by Ten-Thirty
With Eleven Rounds To Play
Ready At Our Tables
On That Wet Grand Prix Day
With our Decks And Our Dice
Our Protectors And That…
…When Who Should Explode?!?!
But The Prat With The Mat!
Fit The Second
Crytic and anagramatical clues to recently-released Magic cards — how many can you get? Send your answers to [email protected] and you could win some foil Ravnica rares!
Apropos Campanological Performance
Colloquial Tea
[ESC] Chrononauts get less
gasp gasp gasp GASP (
Li, Mother Of Flame
Mental Sump
Tease a fruity cake?
N..A..R..E..?
Devastating, Underworld & Insidious
Hit by the Olsens!
a la Dream Lover
Knave gets sour war joke
Canine Haemorrhoid
Deer has meal
Exposed oneself in a draft
How Crusoe found Friday?
eltsirg
Breathe out (without the beer) and about
Friend to Duane?
A-List, B-List, C-List etc
6-feet under (and cross)
She said 3.30
I doubt a marlin
Funny and clever e-mail
A History Of Rambling?
Janeway? Chakotay? Parris?
U R a penis!
It saves 9
Hieroglyphic Word Game
Risky A.A.A.A
O! Stephen’s fist!
Umlantir, Izzet Marquis
British Snack — Bacon-flavoured
Adding-up Time
Comedy situation? Yelp!
Put a flamin’ end to it!
English Al
Single parade of…
Yearn for the Latin bear?
Finally, someone has sneaked into the Quiz twice — can you tell me who it is?
Ciao, babies,
TB