Hello everybody, and welcome to another edition of the Magic Show. This week we’ll be discussing the Magic 2010 Forsythee Awards, written by the always-awesome Ben Bleiweiss and reveals the truth behind our latest core set. You ready to have some fun? Let’s go!
M10 Forsythee’s: “WotC Witness Relocation Program”
When Wizards of the Coast announced Magic: 2010 (or M10, for short), they proclaimed, “The set will have 50% new cards!” While this is technically true, it turns out that a lot of cards were functionally identical to older cards, but with a spiffy new name or a slight shift in creature type. Well, here at the Magic Show, we don’t begrudge this sort of thinking. After all, it wasn’t just a capricious thought that made Counsel of the Soratami into Divination. It was… the WOTC Witness Relocation Program!
This little-known service began with Conflux in early 2009. Former Invitational winner Chris Pikula turned State’s evidence against former teammate David Price. Rather than live up to his name “Dead Guy”, Wizards entered Chris into the WWRP where he came out a BLACK WOMAN! To save Chris’s life, racial and gender lines were crossed; the success of this initiative emboldened Wizards of the Coast to save the lives of plenty of 10th Edition creatures!
But first, I want to devote a very special section to Alexander Graham Bell. You know who you are!
Blah Blah, Blah Blah Blah, Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah, Blah Blah. Blah Blah Blah! Blah Blah, Blah Blah Blah. Blah Blah Blah; Blah Blah, Blah Blah Blah Blah.
And now, we tear the lid off of the WOTC Witness Relocation Program!
Jon Finkel – Shadowmage Infiltrator – Now living as a Giant Rabbit.
Olle Rade – Sylvan Safekeeper – A pot-smoking, fez-wearing Russian dwarf hamster.
Of course, not everyone is a part of the WOTC Witness Relocation Program – some members of the Wizards community are part of the unsavory underworld, committing heinous crimes and being shuttled off to a maximum security prison, only to be replaced by doppelgangers! What crimes were committed by these seemingly inoffensive cards? We at the Magic Show will bring you the truth tonight!
Benalish Trapper and Master Decoy: Lip Syched at the Grammis (Replaced by Blinding Mage)
Neck Snap: Killed a man in an MMA fight (replaced by Divine Verdict)
Savannah Lions and Glory Seeker: Participated in radical gene-swap therapy (Replaced by Elite Vanguard and Silvercoat Lion.)
Skyhunter Prowler: Extortion (Replaced by Griffin Sentinel.)
Terashi’s Grasp: Public Nudity (Replaced by Solemn Offering.)
Mistral Charger: Aiding and abetting in the kidnapping of Frosty the Snowman (Replaced by Stormfront Pegasus.)
Counsel of the Soratami: Aiding and abetting Saviors of Kamigawa (Replaced by Divination.)
Remove Soul: Murder was the charge. (Replaced by Essence Scatter.)
Jump: The Daddy Mack will make you Jump Jump. (Replaced by …wait a second? Jump? Do you know what other one-mana instant hasn’t been seen since 4th Edition? Lightning Bolt! Therefore, Jump is the Blue Lightning Bolt! Get them NOW people!)
Persuasion: Why don’t you have a seat in that chair, Mr. Erwin? (Replaced by Mind Control.)
Flying Men: Detained by the department of Homeland Securit.y (Replaced by Zephyr Sprite.)
Raise Dead: Dorkin’ a corpse! (Replaced by Disentomb.)
Dusk Imp, Feral Shadow, Moaning Spirit: Stealing a fraction of a penny per bank transaction, currently doing three consecutive life sentences, each. (Replaced by Kelinore Bats. What in god’s green earth is a Kelinore? I mean really, what was wrong with Dusk Imp? Was it too Dusky?)
Dreg Reaver: Reaving Dregs. (Replaced by Zombie Goliath.)
Threaten: Jaywalking. (Replaced by Act of Treason.)
Orcish Artillery: Unlawful use of fireworks in conjunction with farm animals. (Replaced by Goblin Artillery.)
Sabretooth Tiger: Kneecapping Tony the Tiger. It was grrrrrrrrrreat! (Replaced by Viashino Spearhunter.)
Civic Wayfinder: Elves are not allowed to drive cars. Silly Wayfinder! (Replaced by Borderland Ranger).
Nessian Courser: Eating a poodle. Twice. (Replaced by Centaur Courser.)
Balduvian Bears, Barbary Apes, Bear Cub, Cylian Elf, Forest Bear, Grizzly Bears: Threatening to overthrow the very laws of time and space upon which this reality is based upon. (Replaced by Runeclaw Bear, who is ignorant of such things.)
Phyrexian Ghoul & Nantuko Husk: Attempted murder on the designer of the M10 Damage-On-The-Stack rule change. (Replaced by Vampire Aristocrat.)
If for any reason you should see any of these criminals escaped from their WOTC-mandated prisons, please alert the nearest authorities! These are all VERY DANGEROUS CREATURES, and are capable of committing the most heinous of offenses for the least gregarious of reasons. Remember, Runeclaw Bear is in M10 for a reason – to protect the fabric of this universe! If we had Balduvian Bears or Forest Bear or, heaven forbid, Barbary Apes in the base set, all life as we know it would immediately cease to exist, and …
Just kidding folks. Those pesky Apes are still behind bars. You are free to continue existing, thanks to Wizards of the Coast and their superprison of hateful cards!
Until next time, Magic players, this is Evan Erwin. Tapping the cards… so you don’t have to.
Evan “misterorange” Erwin
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With innumerable thanks to Ben Bleiweiss 🙂