Hi!
I’m Jamie Wakefield.
I feel the need to address the forums, specifically those people who don’t know me, so I thought I would introduce myself.
I have been out of Magic for three years now, and I am re-entering the game. Unlike some other Premium writers, I have never been to a Pro Tour Top 8. I have never been to a Grand Prix Top 8. Everyone – and I mean everyone – has always thought my decks were a joke. So, you’re thinking, why is this Premium content? Despite the fact that everyone laughs at my decks, I have gone to Pro Tour Qualifiers and won the slot with a deck of my own design, a deck that everyone said was crap.
If you think you’re telling me anything new, you’re not. The response is always the same, until I qualify. But I do not come to this site unqualified. I do, however, come with a very different viewpoint. If you hate that viewpoint, feel free to stop reading my articles.
My articles have always been about life, the current state of Magic, observations, book reviews, random philosophical rambles, deck design, what it is like to actually meet the stars of the game, and what crappy deck I am working on this week. I want to make you laugh. I want to connect with you about our shared geek culture. I want to bring you something different to the other articles you read each week. When I announced I was getting back into the game, four websites emailed me with offers. I say this not to brag, but to say I am more writer than Magic player, and I hope to entertain as well as inspire. I cannot hope to match the tech found in other StarCityGames.com Premium content. And I don’t try to.
My articles have never been about what two cards in the most popular deck can be replaced with two other cards and why. They have never been about reporting on what happened with what decks and why at the latest event. They have never, ever been about one of the three best decks in the format, and how to beat or improve them. They are not, and will never be, about “add Vengevine to your deck.” If that is what you are looking for, there are more than fifty articles a month you can read that will give you that information. Go ahead and skip my articles if that is what you are looking for.
When Wendy and I go on vacation, we take travel guide books. Because it’s important to see the big things, the sites the cities are famous for. But it is also fun to walk down the side streets for ten blocks, get lost, find the bar where the locals hang out, and see what the city and its people are really like.
If you want a guide book, there are dozens of articles a month that can tell you about Super Friends, Jund, and Mythic.
I want to take you someplace different.
I want to take you on my journey of rediscovering Magic. I hope to make you laugh. I want to try and lead you in a direction away from eight-hundred dollar decks. I want to try and make you see that playing your own deck has advantages and rewards far beyond playing the deck everyone else is playing. For those of you who want to be the sixtieth person playing Super Friends at a tournament and think you’re good because you made Top 9 by playing a deck designed by someone else and got lucky pairings, these articles are not for you. You will find no joy in them. Seriously, feel free to stop reading them.
If you are not looking for the next article about how Mike Tyson knocked out his twentieth opponent in the first round — I am your 40-1 odds winner Buster Douglas.
If you are not looking for the next article about how Apollo Creed retained his heavyweight belt, I am your Rocky Balboa.
I am not going to play the popular decks. I am not here for the readers who can buy a thousand dollars in cards for testing or to copy someone else’s deck. I am here for the guys who want to make their own deck. I am here for the guys who refuse to buy the most popular Mythics (which I think is a travesty to the fans). I am here for the guys who don’t have a hundred hours a week to devote to Magic. I have a job, a girlfriend, a wedding to plan, a lawn to mow, a house to maintain, and another book to publish. Yeah, I play Magic as much as I can, but I am, and always will be, the regular guy. I am not a math genius, nor a college student, nor a kid with rich parents who will buy him any cards he wants. I have a budget.
For those who criticize my methods and say I’m too out of touch, the game has changed, etc, I can only say — Wow! Really? Magic changes? Obviously I can’t comprehend Planeswalkers and Cascade because I have never seen anything like that. Of course, I have seen Flashback, Echo, Morph, Flanking, Shadow, Suspend, Split Second, Storm, Affinity, etc — and clearly, none of those compare. I adapted to those, but I can’t learn the new stuff… Seriously?
Shall we move on? Let us get back to the devolvement of something rogue that might succeed.
I really wanted to go back to my most successful build of the deck and make that work, but for some reason it is not succeeding like it use to. I cannot grasp why. At the same time, I wanted to experiment with other ideas that I thought might show promise. I am a firm believer in throwing things against the wall and seeing what sticks.
I put a bunch of mana creatures together and then add Mold Hippo, Acidic Slime, Pelakka Wurm, and Khalni Hydra to the mix so I would have a mix of fat and utility. That has worked in the past, but it clearly doesn’t work now. My first game I played allies, which is an amazing deck to me. By turn 4 I had conceded since he had five allies on the board and they were all huge. Okay, there is no way I can beat that deck, or expect to beat any deck that is going to be playing Planeswalkers, since I take so long to set up. I delete it.
I wanted to try fast Stompy style next. I win a few games with weenies, Overrun and GG, and lose a few more, but the deck just feels stupid. There is no strategy, no thought. Just attack and pray. I delete that too.
It’s time to go back to my roots. An old Mike Flores article that Brian links to in the forums (thank you, my friend) reminds me of my school of Magic. With the lack of success I have been having, it is clear I need a new direction, and I need a reset button. That has almost always been my way, and in these times, Green does not have the utility it did in the days of Secret Force, so I must resort to other methods. In fact, one of the reasons I got back into Magic was for ROE. I AM the King of the Fatties, so let’s try that deck out.
After reading the four-page discussion on the StarCityGames.com forums on Mythics, I trade away my two Vengevines for personal reasons, and trade for the cards I need to make a King of the Fatties deck, with real fatties and a reset button. The deck contains Eye of Ugin, Eldrazi Temple, All is Dust, Eldrazi Conscription, and eighteen Forests.
That’s right. We’re going back to 26/62.
I start with this, and remember, this is play-testing. I’m not saying this is a good deck.
Creatures (26)
- 4 Llanowar Elves
- 3 Platinum Angel
- 4 Elvish Archdruid
- 4 Arbor Elf
- 1 Artisan of Kozilek
- 2 Hand of Emrakul
- 1 It That Betrays
- 4 Overgrown Battlement
- 1 Spawnsire of Ulamog
- 2 Ulamog's Crusher
Lands (26)
- 22 Forest
- 4 Eldrazi Temple
Spells (10)
Sideboard
Here’s a thought — Why is no one using All is Dust with a bunch of artifacts? And the deck based on Empty the Vaults, those aren’t colorless artifacts. And if it wants to return all my artifacts, that’s fine with me. Walls help against aggro and generate mana. If things go bad — boom goes the dynamite. Any of the spawn of Cthulu will win you the game, so I chose the cheapest. The Eldrazi Conscription is just an experiment. Momentous Fall = win. Platinum Angel is an auto win against a few decks (Mono Green) and fits the theme perfectly. I will start in the tournament practice room.
Game 1 –
Him — Play some Wall of Omens.
Me — Play some Elves and Overgrown Battlement.
Him — Exile your Elvish Archdruid, play Transcendent Master then Gideon Jura.
Me – Tap my guys so they don’t have to attack, play Ulamog’s Crusher.
Him — Play Deathless Angel, make your creatures attack Gideon again.
Me — How about no? Tap all my guys to play Hand of Emrakul. Attack with Ulamog’s Crusher. You can Fog if you want to, but you’re still sacrificing two permanents.
Him — Destroy your tapped Crusher.
Me — Cast All is Dust. Please notice that I still have a Hand of Emrakul on the board.
Him — Concede.
Me — AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! God, I love Magic.
OMFG, I have Wrath of Everything in Mono Green!
My second game I play badly, realize that Spawnsire is bad, and also that I need more ways to fetch land than creatures that generate mana.
My third game shows me that playing a land every turn thanks to Pilgrims Eye and Borderland Ranger means… you’re playing one land a turn. That’s not really mana acceleration. You’re waiting a long-ass time to be playing your big spells. I bring back in the Overgrown Battlements and swap some Forests for fetch lands to continue the deck thinning aspect. I also realize I am never able to cast Momentous Fall so those leave as well. I also realize that Annihilator (1) is crap. It has to be double that at least.
My third game, I’m in deep trouble, at six life, against fast Mono Green until I cast Platinum Angel and he concedes. I literally laugh out loud again. Man, I used to hate that card when Tooth and Nail played it. As an artifact creature in this deck? I cannot describe my unbridled love for it.
Fourth game, and both of us are mana screwed. It takes me until turn nine to kill him with a 14/14 Annihilator (2) Platinum Angel.
Fifth Game my opponent is playing U/G. I make my Pilgrim’s Eye an 11/11 with Annihilator (2) and swing, reducing him to two. He takes control of my Pilgrims Eye, and I reply with All is Dust and get it back. Yes, the Pilgrims Eye is still 11/11 with Annihilator (2), and I swing for the win.
Wendy has finished work for the day, so I quit testing and we go out for seafood, come home and watch some TV, then have a dance party for two. Sleep happens. It is now Saturday.
Sixth game is against Jund. I draw a lot of land, and he draws two Vengevines. It’s over pretty fast, and I am a sad panda.
Seventh game is a match against Red Deck Wins. I get a slow start in both games. The second game he kills me on turn 4. I might need to add more Walls or artifact mana so my mana producers aren’t immediately killed.
Eighth game is against Vampires. Despite playing a Crusher then casting All is Dust and attacking, he has Consuming Vapors and recovers faster, and again, for many games in a row, I am not drawing artifact mana or Eye of Ugim to allow me to cast the fat I have in my hand. Huh. I might need more Eyes.
Ninth game is against Bloody Vampires. An Earthquake kills my mana produces and he easily kills anything huge I put on the board. Magic is funny, no? Yesterday I couldn’t lose. Today I can’t win.
Tenth game is against Vampires. It is clear to me there is no way this deck can beat Black, but I don’t care. If I can beat everything else, I don’t mind losing to Black. This has always been my strategy. Guevin wrote an article about it. I ignore the metagame. If I can beat 70% of the decks and get good pairings, I win the slot. I cannot win against everything, and I do not try. I do not have the deck or the play-skill, and that’s fine with me.
Eleventh game is against Mono Green. He has thirty elephant tokens on the board and keeps attacking. I don’t block. My deck refuses to give me an All is Dust. He reduces me to minus two-hundred and seven before my Platinum Angel flies in for the kill. He tells me Platinum Angel Is unfair. I tell him I understand.
This is cool. Zvi has lost so much weight I don’t even recognize him.
Wait, is that yet another Mono Green deck he is playing, albeit in Block Constructed? But everyone keeps telling me if I play Mono Green I won’t qualify. Huh.
The next day I add in some artifact mana and change the deck in other small ways, such as removing the Eldrazi Conscriptions, Eye of Ugin, and having only the eight cheapest of the Eldrazi. And it is smashing face. It is a good feeling. My first opponent of the day is playing G/W/B with Maelstrom Pulse and Baneslayer Angel. He plays a Bird of Paradise, a Trace of Abundance, and then a Baneslayer Angle on turn 3.
So 1 lost, right?
No. Holy Pikula!
He plays a Garruk, makes a beast. I take a risk and cast Platinum Angel instead of All is Dust, and it is a bad risk. He kills her immediately with Maelstrom Pulse. Okay, enough of this. How about all your stuff goes away and I hope to top-deck better than you? Boom goes the dynamite.
He plays a Trace of Abundance, I play a Chalice with a hand full of enormous creatures and spells.
Artisan of Kozilek brings back my Platinum Angel. Ah, some good.
He plays Sarkhan Vol and steals my Artisan. Uh, some bad. He attacks and I sacrifice two Forests. I am at minus five and laughing my ass off at actually playing Platinum Angel.
I cast All is Dust, and swing for a ton. Oh look, you have three lands left on your side of the board. Attack again and you concede. God, I love this game.
I side in nothing. I don’t imagine I will ever side in anything with this deck. Game two my draw is insane, with Elf, Forests, Overgrown Battlement, fat, All is Dust, and Eldrazi Temple. Finally, an awesome draw.
I get two Eldrazi Temple on the board and play a Crusher. He responds with Enlisted Wurm and Vengevine, and I’m thinking “You know all that stuff is going away and you’re sacking two permanents next turn, right?”
And it does. And so he concedes.
Do I dare to play this in the two-man tournaments? Do I dare to eat a peach?
Again, like last week, I gush to Wendy about my deck. She is a traveler. She has been to college in Boston, NY, and Rhode Island and wants to go to as many PTQs as we can, and make each weekend a vacation because we have looked at where they are. I tell her she would be bored. Watching 12 hours of Magic is boring.
“What if I stood behind you and gave false tells?”
I laugh. “God, that would be so funny! I’ll explain you’re my girlfriend and don’t know much about Magic, is it okay if you watch? They’ll say it is fine.”
“And then when you draw a land I’ll pretend to be excited. And when you draw All is Dust I’ll look sad. Will that work?”
I cannot stop laughing.
Best fiancée ever.
It reminds me of an Alan Webter story, a guy who had the best quotes ever. At Vermont States, I have taken a beating and dropped. Alan is playing High Tide, and Rob Dougherty is looking over his shoulder with me.
Alan draws his cards, looks depressed, and lays his cards on the table. “This is bad. This is just so bad.”
Rob pulls me away to consult. “What is he talking about? That is a first or second turn kill!”
I laugh. “I know. When Alan says something is really bad, you never know if it is really bad for YOU or if it is really bad for HIM.”
We are back in Vermont now. The first three days have been nothing but jetlag, work, and stress. I am hoping to hit up Friday Night Magic so you can get some interesting stories that involve playing against real people. Depending on the next few days, that will either happen or there will be no column next week because I have gone insane with stress. Not kidding. Wish me luck!
Jamie C. Wakefield
King of the Fatties
www.JamieWakefield.com