Suffering Suck-O-'Tache (Part Two)

Entre

Welcome to part two in a series of… Ooh, how long can I milk this one for? Shall we say six? Or maybe seven if I can pull together some sort of conclusions? I’ll let you vote on this one…All those in favour of six raise your hands and say ‘Aye!’…

(muttered counting of elevated hands)

…And those in favour of seven raise your legs and say ‘Oi!’…

(muttered counting of lifted limbs)

…okay. Thanks for that. Who says Democracy doesn’t work?

Grading

Just as a reminder for the more goldfish-like among you, here is the key:

Blue-Veined

Like a well-rotted Stilton, or a St Agur left on the radiator overnight, these cards are the strongest, most simultaneously repellent/tasty pieces of CCG smackerel one could hope to encounter. Best served with crackers, vintage port, and a Regional Qualifier.”From age” to age, this is the bees knees cheese!

Mature

Processed or unprocessed, when these cards go past-yer-ize you’ll be keen to grab ’em.

Mild

Not to everyone’s taste, cards of this hardened-milk variety go with lots of things, are tolerated by most, but add nothing to the experience. You’re better off eating your toe-nails.

Tasteless

Can’t think of a cheese-based pun; let’s just say”they’re crap.”

In addition, I shall be attempting to grade the cards based on their usefulness in (as is usual) Limited and Constructed environments, which shall be referred to (respectively) as JANET and JOHN.

Finally, I am assuming you’ve already read the spoiler and know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t seen it yet and want to follow what I’m wittering on about, go to www.brainburst.com

What Do We Think Of The Blue Cards In Torment?

Alter Reality

Janet=Tasteless, John=Tasteless (in a kipper tie and suede hipsters)

Sleight of Mind, was it? Volrath’s thingummywotsit? I love reprints. Oh, the text in the spoiler says,”This effect doesn’t end at end of turn” – does that mean a Protection from Red creature card”altered” to Protection from Blue will always be Pro/Blue for the entire life-time of the card, regardless of which games it’s played in? Eh? Would that work? Do we need a permanent marker pen? I think we should be told.

Ambassador Laquatus

Janet=Mature, John=Mild to Mature

A.k.a. Mrs Mills. What about the following party introduction? Merman? Ethel! Ethel? Merman! How we laughed.

Aquamoeba

Janet=Mild, John=Tasteless

Bargain bucket ahoy! A 1/3 for two that becomes, effectively, a 3/3 at a cost of two discard cards! Reserve a couple so I can burn them. Burn them, too, before you’re tempted to play with them.

Balshan Collaborator

Janet=Mild, John=Mild (perhaps with a dash of Worcester Sauce)

The artwork on the French edition of this card is shaven-headed; not quite the piece de resistence, though.

Breakthrough

Janet=Mild, John=Too busy trying to peek up Janet’s skirt

Hey! Nice little variation for card-drawing; you could even play this with X=0 and Mind Twist yourself for U! It’s a way of getting to Threshold, I suppose.”Manservant? Bring forth my Blue/Green Krosan Beast deck tootie-sweetie!”

Cephalid Aristocrat / Cephalid Illusionist

Janet just flushed ’em down the John.

Soiled pants.

Cephalid Sage

Janet=Mild, John=Tasteless

Combos well with Cephalid Onion, Rosemaro, and Thyme Vault. I’m jus’ joshin’ ya!

Cephalid Snitch

Janet=Tasteless, John=Tasteless

I’ve spotted a great combo with this card, too! Cast”Alter Reality,” changing Black to Blue, then you can remove the Protection from Blurred Mongoose and burn the furry little freak’s snake-nibbling behind!*

Cephalid Vandal

Janet=Tasteless, John=Who knows what tomorrow brings?**

Aww, crappola! We’re still on the C’s in the alphabetic list. Random appraisal=CONDITIONAL

Churning Eddy

Random appraisal=POWERFUL, BUT FLAWED

(Ellipsis – a big band starts tooting and parping in a 40s Dance Hall style)

Circular Logic is, surely, good Magic

Compulsion is pickable too

Coral Net could be better,

Deep Analysis wetter, while

False Memories za Threshold-deck coup!

(a scoo-deli, scoo-deli wop-wop)

There’s a Cephalid Empress (the Cephalid temptress)

Liquify, and a Search that’s Obsessive

Ghostly Wings is a hardy one,

Hydromorph Guardian and

its brother, the Gull, are impressive.

(thumpetty-thumpa-thumpa-whumpa-bomptishhhhhhh)

You won’t trust your eyes when you see Plagiarize

And an Aven (Possessed) is the beats

Retraced Image is cack

Skywing Aven is slack

Turb’lent Dreams is a down-dirty cheat!

Still that doesn’t leave much,

Just Stupefying Touch

So it’s time for to turn up the heat…

…by reviewing the red cards in the set. D’y’see the kinda clever link I did there? It’s not all stream of conciousness, you know – some of this stuff is planned!

What Do We Think Of The Red Cards In Torment?

Firstly, I’m going to dispense with the cheese-based grading system because I think I’ve milked*** it enough. Brevity is the soul of wit, so on to page twelve…

Accelerate – don’t bother.

Balthor the Stout – Balthor the Git, more like.

Barbarian Outcast – Ever thought why he might have been an outcast? Because he’s diseased! And rubbish.

Crackling Club – Cheap and nasty – but in a good way!

Crazed Firecat – For whom the phrase ‘Somebody put the cat out’ was invented!

Devastating Dreams – Four more Wildfires for your Wildfire deck! My mate Alan will be pleased!

Enslaved Dwarf – There are web-sites for this sort of thing, thank you very much.

Fiery Temper – (insert own enthusiastic review here)

Flaming Gambit – Flaming good!

Flash of Defiance – Is that a bit like Sharon Stone’s flash in Basic Instinct?

Grim Lavamancer –