Welcome to part three in a series that, frankly, is beginning to overstay its welcome. Not that I’m denying my writer’s perks, here – (store) credit where (store) credit’s due, et cetera – but I’m producing it one episode at a time and not, as you might originally think, en masse and then splitting it afterwards. No – that would be cheating! This is quite a good way of doing things, I think (but then I would think that, wouldn’t I?) because:
- It allows me time to reflect, in detail, on all the stupid things I want to say, and
- You get my different moods
Talking of stupid things, it’s been nearly two years since I secured a Featured Writer position on Star City, and I scare myself when I look at the sheer volume of material I’ve produced for your entertainment. Is this a thinly-veiled attempt to garner votes in Pool 7 of CCGPrime’s Writer War? Probably – I mean, everyone else is doing it, so why shouldn’t I? It would be nice to make it through to the second round this year, especially as I labour so lovingly to tickle your humerae.
May the best man (namely, me) win:
At CCGPrime, there’s a war!
Net-based scribes’ bodies, they cover the floor!
But consider me (Tony)
Ever true, never phoney
I’m the only one left who’s not a DCI-maligned, net-deck advocating, cynical, crack-smoking whore!
(I know the last line didn’t scan, but I was going for a punchy statement)
I’m sick of cheese. A moment on the lips, but a life-time on the hips, so I’ll opt for something a little for nutritionally conservative, more delicately-dietary, less (if you’ll allow me this politically-incorrect terminology) fattening: Grass and lawns. That’s right – you heard me correctly: Common, or garden (mainly the latter) grass. This is not an allusion to medicinal ‘erbs of a combustable nature, just what you wipe your doggy-doo covered brothel-creepers on after a hard”walk” in the park.
Ripe and rich, long and moist. Drop any bovine or ovine entity in the vicinity of this lush growth and they will think they’ve died and gone to heaven. Cool between the toes on a summer’s evening, and glossed with dewy-diamonds of an Autumn morn; cards of this ilk are to be treasured.
Trampled (by Children)
One could see that cards of this category could have had the potential for fertile green-ness, but for the constant battering they receive from resident youngsters. Be proud, to be sure, but not as good as your neighbours’.
Why bother watering when that’s what God created rain for, eh? Pretty much like most gardens you’ll come across. Nothing remarkable, and plenty of room for improvement.
Not a place one would choose to spend one’s time. Stoney residue, dead pigeons, and a profusion of dandelions mean that a trip to the local park would be more uplifting. Ever thought of a concrete patio?
An arid, wind-blown wasteland that you’d only enter in preference to having one’s eyes pulled out with dough-hooks (this is my kitchen accessory of the month). Avoid like a venereal infection.
“What Do We Think Of Black In Torment Then, Tony?”
I’m glad you asked. No, I really am – because all this talk of suburban horticulture may have distracted you from the true purpose of this article.
Come on! Some of you must have been paying attention?
Quiet Voice From The Back:”A Review of the Torment Expansion, Tony.”
Tony:”Thankyou, Mr Buehler; that’s right – a review of the Torment expansion. Not that you’re a stranger to ‘expansions’ yourself, eh Randy?”
A 1/1 Flyer for 1B with a Threshold bonus ain’t too bad – it ain’t too good, either; like winning the lottery, but being allergic to money.
Janet=Dustbowl, John=Trampled (Block), Patchy (everything else)
Will this re-define Extended? I don’t know and neither do you. Toss a coin.
An overcosted reprint of Undertaker? A dustbowl in all situations, then. Positively Gobi.
All this talk of really bad cards is making me feel ever so sad, so I’m just going to list the cards I think will be worth herding cattle (and children) for; here we go:
Cards to make Janet (Limited) horny:
Cabal Torturer (-1/-1 for B and tap)
Chainer, Dementia Master
Dawn Of The Dead (probably)
Mesmeric Fiend (‘coz it’s a Ravenous Rat)
Shambling Swarm (bit expensive, but a contagious critter?)
Slithery Stalker (bye-bye Metamorphic Wurm!)
Strength of Lunacy (“Just the one, Mrs Wembley”)
Cards to make John (Constructed) horned (that’s ed as in head, not ed as in duh):
Chainer, Dementia Master
Butcher Cassidy & The Threshold Kid
(Together in) Electric Dreams
Champion, The Wonder Horse
Mortal Combat (Shirley Shome Mishtake?)
I’m bored of this, and so are you.
“What Do You Think Of Everything Else In Torment Then, Tony?”
I’m not going to tell you.
“Aww, Go On!”
Nope. I steadfastly refuse.
Haven’t you got homes to go to?
“Pretty Please With Knobs On?”