Suffering Suck-O-‘Tache (Part Three)

Ingress

Welcome to part three in a series that, frankly, is beginning to overstay its welcome. Not that I’m denying my writer’s perks, here – (store) credit where (store) credit’s due, et cetera – but I’m producing it one episode at a time and not, as you might originally think, en masse and then splitting it afterwards. No – that would be cheating! This is quite a good way of doing things, I think (but then I would think that, wouldn’t I?) because:

1. It allows me time to reflect, in detail, on all the stupid things I want to say, and


2. You get my different moods

Talking of stupid things, it’s been nearly two years since I secured a Featured Writer position on Star City, and I scare myself when I look at the sheer volume of material I’ve produced for your entertainment. Is this a thinly-veiled attempt to garner votes in Pool 7 of CCGPrime’s Writer War? Probably – I mean, everyone else is doing it, so why shouldn’t I? It would be nice to make it through to the second round this year, especially as I labour so lovingly to tickle your humerae.

May the best man (namely, me) win:

(I know the last line didn’t scan, but I was going for a punchy statement)

Grading

I’m sick of cheese. A moment on the lips, but a life-time on the hips, so I’ll opt for something a little for nutritionally conservative, more delicately-dietary, less (if you’ll allow me this politically-incorrect terminology) fattening: Grass and lawns. That’s right – you heard me correctly: Common, or garden (mainly the latter) grass. This is not an allusion to medicinal ‘erbs of a combustable nature, just what you wipe your doggy-doo covered brothel-creepers on after a hard”walk” in the park.

Verdant

Ripe and rich, long and moist. Drop any bovine or ovine entity in the vicinity of this lush growth and they will think they’ve died and gone to heaven. Cool between the toes on a summer’s evening, and glossed with dewy-diamonds of an Autumn morn; cards of this ilk are to be treasured.

Trampled (by Children)

One could see that cards of this category could have had the potential for fertile green-ness, but for the constant battering they receive from resident youngsters. Be proud, to be sure, but not as good as your neighbours’.

Yellowed

Why bother watering when that’s what God created rain for, eh? Pretty much like most gardens you’ll come across. Nothing remarkable, and plenty of room for improvement.

Patchy

Not a place one would choose to spend one’s time. Stoney residue, dead pigeons, and a profusion of dandelions mean that a trip to the local park would be more uplifting. Ever thought of a concrete patio?

Dustbowl

An arid, wind-blown wasteland that you’d only enter in preference to having one’s eyes pulled out with dough-hooks (this is my kitchen accessory of the month). Avoid like a venereal infection.

“What Do We Think Of Black In Torment Then, Tony?”

I’m glad you asked. No, I really am – because all this talk of suburban horticulture may have distracted you from the true purpose of this article.

Which was?

Come on! Some of you must have been paying attention?

Quiet Voice From The Back:”A Review of the Torment Expansion, Tony.”

Tony:”Thankyou, Mr Buehler; that’s right – a review of the Torment expansion. Not that you’re a stranger to ‘expansions’ yourself, eh Randy?”

Boneshard Slasher

Janet=Yellowed, John=Dustbowl

A 1/1 Flyer for 1B with a Threshold bonus ain’t too bad – it ain’t too good, either; like winning the lottery, but being allergic to money.

Cabal Ritual

Janet=Dustbowl, John=Trampled (Block), Patchy (everything else)

Will this re-define Extended? I don’t know and neither do you. Toss a coin.

Cabal Surgeon

An overcosted reprint of Undertaker? A dustbowl in all situations, then. Positively Gobi.

All this talk of really bad cards is making me feel ever so sad, so I’m just going to list the cards I think will be worth herding cattle (and children) for; here we go:

Cards to make Janet (Limited) horny:

Cabal Torturer (-1/-1 for B and tap)

Carrion Wurm

Chainer, Dementia Master

Chainer’s Edict

Chainer’s Anus

Crippling Fatigue

Dawn Of The Dead (probably)

Faceless Butcher

Pork Butcher

Gloom Drifter

Hypnox

Grotesque Hybrid

Ichorid

Insidious Dreams

Laquatus’ Champion

Last Laugh

Mesmeric Fiend (‘coz it’s a Ravenous Rat)

Mutilate

Nantuko Shade

Organ Grinder

Restless Dreams

Sengir Vampire

Shade’s Form

Shambling Swarm (bit expensive, but a contagious critter?)

Sickening Dreams

Slithery Stalker (bye-bye Metamorphic Wurm!)

Soul Scourge

Strength of Lunacy (“Just the one, Mrs Wembley”)

Cards to make John (Constructed) horned (that’s ed as in head, not ed as in duh):

Chainer, Dementia Master

Chainer’s Edict

Faceless Butcher

Butcher Cassidy & The Threshold Kid

Hypnox

Hypreplacement

Insidious Dreams

Wet Dreams

(Together in) Electric Dreams

Laquatus’ Champion

Champion, The Wonder Horse

Last Laugh

Mesmeric Fiend

Mortal Combat (Shirley Shome Mishtake?)

Mutilate

Nantuko Shade

Sengir Vampire

*sigh*

I’m bored of this, and so are you.

I’m not going to tell you.

Nope. I steadfastly refuse.

Haven’t you got homes to go to?

Ciao, babies,

Tony Boydell

[email protected]