This week, blah blah, it’s a Daily series, can’t we skip the introduction?
Today, we continue our journey into nothingness with the two mana creatures, which are, of course, the second-worst cards in Magic when you first start playing, and just about the shizzou when you finally get tired of dying with that just-one-more-mana 7/7 in your hand.
Disagreement Mode: On.
Card drawing is what every Green deck needs. True, she doesn’t fit into any “real” Green decks, but the worst color in Magic can’t be too picky. Plus, you can’t even Rancor this sexy hooka. Never mind, this card suxxorz.
This guy was dredge before dredge was kewl. Plus, any guy that can win me five straight at States must be worth something. Like fond memories from before I was the most excellent deck designer in Magic.
If he didn’t require you to play, ugh, white, he’d be top ten.
When you absolutely, positively need to trade with that turn 2 Flesh Reaver.
When you absolutely, positively need to trade with that turn 2 Dandan.
Lord of Atlantis
This guy was tribal before tribal was cool. Of course, this assumes that tribal is cool, which is not my forte. Bad lists are.
Portal, and yet so good. Number of peeps who have offered to donate sperm in exchange for my playset of Portal Rats: one (and that would be me).
Because it’s my list.
I’ve heard some peeps call this the best Green creature ever printed. Those people are addicted to crack, er, maybe not, since crack is no longer the drug du jour and I’m out of touch, just like Hall and Oates, but mostly the music execs who thought anyone would buy an Oates-only record.
It’s hard to say no to a chyk that turns into a sleeper sofa after the lovin’.
People giggled when Comer played it. Five years later, it’s still being played, but now he shows them his huge Hall of Fame ring. Then beats them to death with it.
Did you know he has a White ability? I mean, you could use it, I suppose. Speaking of useless abilities, someone please tell me why Jon Lovitz continues to get work.
Anything that makes counters worthless is worth making counters worthless, even if he dies to Ornithopter on general principle.
This used to be the guy. Of course, that was back when regeneration mattered and people played Islands. Good thing Dissension was released to put the final nail in Blue’s coffin.
Wall of Roots
Why is it that Green, the color of beatdown, gets the best walls? Because the color pie said so.
He’s a really bad sideboard option against Friggorid, but only for bad players. Still, if you must use him, keep him in your hand until you have six mana up. Don’t worry, they’re just elves.
It’s White, efficient and a shadow. Whatever.
He must attack every turn? Oh noes!
Honorable mention is enough, since apparently honor ruled the day when he was around, least, that’s what I hear and too bad I missed that block, people say it was quite enjoyable.
I have to put it up here – “Protection from Red” is too White for the top ten.
A big, fat bear that gives Wall of Roots a run for its mana-making money, or just turns sideways and beats in a cheap freakin’ combo deck. You decide!
Much like Llanowar Elite, how can you not like a 1/1 trampler?
He’d certainly make the list of top ten most annoying creatures, and if you don’t at least board this guy in Extended Friggorid, you’re bad at Magic. Like me.
The bear that ties it all together and keeps the price of Sliver Queen at thirty bucks.
And now, the ten best two-mana creatures ever printed. Pretty much.
10. Wall of Blossoms
While Blue mages are busy tying up their girlie, Black mages are pulling out the ben-wah balls, Red mages are lighting nipple candles, and White mages are repeatedly asking “are you sure, honey, are you sure?”… Green mages are “coming into play.”
9. Rofellos, Llanowar Emissary
Sometimes turn 3 is theoretically too late to hardcast Verdant Force. Too bad this guy never lived to tap for mana. Ever. In the entire history of Magic.
8. Hermit Druid
If he lives to untap, you win. And unlike Rofellos, sometimes he does. Go figure it out: kill the mana-maker, but not the game winner. Red mages are for suck.
Red mages are for suck…?
I like that expression, and I didn’t even steal it. roflcopter!
7. White Knight
Yawn, snore, White Weenie. Challenging. Fun. Positively fruity.
6. Black Knight
Real men play Black, thus, using pure unadulterated logic, if you play this guy, you think first strike matters.
5. Nantuko Shade
Pumping mana into creatures to make them effective is a bad idea. Still, if you have nothing better to do with your mana, mise well just, um, I guess, win the game.
4. Dark Confidant
If you can think of a Black deck that doesn’t want to play this guy on turn 2 instead of anything else, in every single freakin’ game ever, stop thinking and just agree with me. Everyone is trying to exploit the man who passes rumors to big, fat, gray blobs. He’d be higher if the number three card wasn’t so handsome.
3. Meddling Mage
The poster child for the worst color combination in Magic not only beats for two up to ten times, but either acts as a proactive Cranial Extraction that lets the opponent still draw useless cards, or a Shock catcher if you feel like letting it resolve, and raises those Little *ssholes Meddling Kids in his spare time.
2. Goblin Piledriver
What. The. Freak. Ever.
1. Wild Mongrel
Perhaps I think too much of this guy, but consider his nutty zero-cost abilities, and the serious sickness that can be culled from pumping this guy under the guise of, well, doing more damage: if you pitch your hand on turn 3, it’s like a completely free almost Might of Oaks kinda! That’s such a good play!
And there you have it: the best two-mana creatures ever printed. Pretty much.
Tomorrow, the action heats up with the best three mana creatures ever printed pretty much that I’ll do from memory because there’s too many guys to actually research.
John Friggin’ Rizzo
There should be bonus words here, except I have exceeded Craig’s target word count because I have a big heart and am a giver by nature. While I also enjoy receiving (thx for all of you who wished me happy birthday, all zero of you bastards), I’m really all about the give and take.