This is where the introduction would go if I were to do an introduction. But we’re past that, aren’t we?
Honorable Mentions
Ascetic Troll
He’s no Albino Troll!
Junun Efreet
Explain to me again how a 3/3 flyer for three is ever bad. I’ll cup my ears when you get to the part about “upkeep costs.”
Phyrexian Rager
B3DE. I mean, not for real, but still.
Uktabi Orangutan
If you need me to type something here UR bAd at mAj1k.
Kira, Great-Glass Spinner
I mention it only because I want you to think I’m down with Kamigawa Block O.P.P, which of course, I am.
Old Man of the Sea
I don’t know why he’s here. Peer pressure, I guess, since I’ve never seen nor heard of him being in play, though he was in a Fish deck in Beckett Magic. It’s Berto’s subscription; honestly, he just lets me read it.
Phyrexian Negator
Me: Swamp, Ritual, Negator. Scoop!
U: Shock him.
Me: Like I said… scoop!
Spike Feeder
Hey, they reprinted Gristleback, this time with graft! Kinda!
Glacial Wall
So big, so fat, so unable to kill anything. I laughed the first time someone played this against me. And lost so badly.
Man-o’-War
Islands pwn Wakefield! As they should.
Ophidian
If you absolutely, positively need to make a game last an hour, or bore your opponent to tears, then this is your guy.
Time Elemental
See above, but add even more frustration.
Serendib Efreet
This is my kind of creature. Cheap, big, fat, nasty, and… Blue?
Anurid Brushhopper
I killed one of these once, back when I used to randomly show up for States and go 4-4 with zero knowledge of any of the cards. I count that as a positive achievement.
Avatar of Discord
I have yet to even theorize a deck that can utilize his large body, so please tell me how he sucks so I can ignore you. Actually, I have, but many of you are not ready to admit that, in deck design skillz at least, I pwn Flores!
Orzhov Pontiff
The jury may still be out. Then again, juries are filled with people too stupid to get out of jury duty.
Skyknight Legionnaire
Insert a sideways glance here.
Seriously, “Skyknight Legionnaire?”
Royal Assassin
We all know that creature kill that can’t also finish off the opponent is bad, ‘cause everyone says so.
Goblin Warchief
Gee, the cost reduction is nice, now only if he wtf gave wtf them wtf haste wtf…?!
Metalworker
Not a thing wrong with adding ten mana to your pool on turn 2. Playing two Memory Jars is good, since it also lets your opponent draw cards!
Enough of that, let’s get to the place when you all immediately scrolled to anyway.
10. Ball Lightning
Haste is good, trample isn’t so shabby either. Put both of them onto a 6-power creature, make it Red, and add four to your deck. WTF was Wizards thinking when they made Red gating creatures! Combomania!
9. Squee, Goblin Nabob
He does absolutely nothing, really, but he does it better than you, sitting there reading this article instead of analyzing Regionals results.
8. Lin Sivvi, Defiant Hero
Yeah, she’s only good in a rebel deck, but much like Arcbound Ravager and Disciple of the Vault, one single deck in the history of Magic is enough. But she has a cottage cheese ass, and I want my heroines to be hot!
Dear Lin Sivvi,
Leg lifts.
Love,
I’d do you anyway then let you stab me to death
7. Goblin Sharpshooter
Two words: Gatling gun.
6. Bottle Gnomes
Anthony Alongi likes this card. Good enough for me.
5. Yavimaya Elder
Three cards for one is a good deal any way you slice it, even if you have to waste most of an entire turn just to sac this over-priced Ancestral Recall bastard and the lands you get might be ugh Forests and the card you draw may be lol! Green.
4. Shadowmage Infiltrator
I think this card is even more broken that Finkel’s original and completely fair and balanced Invitational submission “Wrath of Lenkif” that, for four mana, destroyed all creatures and untapped up to four lands. But that’s just my opinion.
3. Hypnotic Specter
This is one situation where “at random” can be fun. Now, if only we could squeeze the words “flip a coin” in there somewhere woohoo, chaos-topia!
2. Eternal Witness
A boon to Green mages everywhere, even if they aren’t the ones who use it, which makes sense since Green doesn’t have much worth using in the first place, let alone using twice.
1. Psychatog
Insert your argument here; I’m sure Craig will print every one of them.
And there you have it: the best three-mana creatures in Magic. Pretty much.
Feel free to discuss quietly amongst yourselves. Or, if you’re the type that needs a soapbox, or just need to feel like a tough guy behind your fourteen-inch monitor in your parents’ basement, discuss in the forums.
Tomorrow: the top ten four-mana creatures. Ever. Pretty much.
John Friggin’ Rizzo
I’ll tell you a joke so you don’t think I skimped and gave you too much less than the 800 words you were entitled to. Well, only the punchline. You old-schoolers can do the math:
The proctologist says, “Sh**, some *sshole has my pen!”
…So I said to the genie, “how about a little head?”
No, actually, I didn’t ask for a “twelve inch pianist!”
A couple more, since you’ve been a good audience…
12th grade: “Gee, I really wish my friends were here…”
10th grade: “Keep the tip.”
6th grade: “Back away, I don’t know how big this thing gets.”
Ah, the magical number has been reached and surpassed.
Bye.