Before I get into today’s art, I want to let everyone know about some packs I opened this weekend (since so many people seem to care so very, very much). On Friday night, I played in an Extended tourney. Yes, that’s right. We had an actual, more-than-eight-players, sanctioned, Magic tournament! I finished fourth playing my janky land destruction/Dragon Roost deck. (Note to Self: Pillage is Extended legal. Use it over Demolish.) I won two packs of Ravnica and a Beta Keldon Warlord, my first Warlord ever. As I was picking up my packs, Harmon, the supernaturally fortunate young man who opened a Jitte and a foil Jitte in his two packs of winnings a few months ago, said, “See ya next Friday.”
“Hold on, cowboy. Where do you think you’re going?”
“Um, home,” he answered, kind of puzzled.
“Not before you open my two packs, you don’t.”
“Sure. Whatever.”
He pulled a Life from the Loam and a Plague Boiler for me. As of right now, I will never open my own packs again. Harmon does.
Then, on Saturday night, I played in a Ravnica sealed tourney on MTGO. As one of my rares, I got a Birds of Paradise. It was the first ever BoP of any kind that I’ve ever opened in any pack anywhere, in real life or online. I also got a Loxodon Hierarch. It was a good weekend for me opening cards. Of course, the law of large numbers say that some poor fool opened seven packs of Ravnica this weekend and got three Mindmoils, three Excruciators (I actually got one in my sealed stuff), and a Grozoth. Glad it was him and not me.
Oh, yeah, about the art…
The Worstest Art on the Bestest Cards
I want to be perfectly clear on one point. I am most certainly not saying that the art on these cards is awful in and of itself. Magic has come a long, long way from the days of Reverse Polarity (“Worst. Magic art. Ever.”) and Reverse Damage. Nearly every card from Tempest on and especially from Invasion on has been a true joy to look at (Cepahlids aside). However, some of the art, well, it didn’t quite work on the card as far as I’m concerned.
The cards on this list are some of the best cards in the Extended-legal sets. They either appeared (or still appear) in Tier One, Pro-Tour-money winning decks, or they’ve been used to beat me in at least one game. (Hey, it’s my column. I make the rules.) In alphabetical order, the Worstest Art on the Bestest Cards:
Aquamoeba
I auditioned for the Single Card Strategies position at Magicthegathering.com a few years ago, and this was the card that they had me do the piece on. Luckily for you, I didn’t make it, and I’m positive it’s because I started with the line “I just want to pour salt on this guy and watch him shrivel up on my sidewalk.”
Bane of the Living
It can potentially kill anything in the game, and, yet, when I see the card, all I can think is, “Ach, Hans! Run! It’s a great, big caterpillar!”
Barter in Blood
First off, there’s only one creature on this card. Am I too literal? Maybe. Second and most important, is that an aardvark’s tongue splitting this guy into pieces?
Chainer, Dementia Master
“I am the Lord of the Dance! I will pay three life, and you will dance with me!”
Charging Troll
I adore Dave Dorman’s art. Except on this card. Charging Troll was one of the most feared creatures in Invasion block. So, I don’t think it was really Mr. Dorman’s goal to draw a Troll who obviously took the short bus to Troll School. “Hey, guys! Wait for me!”
Chord of Calling
“We have used our great powers to summon at instant speed . . . a gigantic albatross? Bob, can I, uh, see that recipe again, please?”
Death Grasp
If only Gerrard’s right hand was free, he could maybe punch the guy who was squeezing his left wrist so hard.
Fires of Yavimaya
Somehow, for an enchantment that inspires an entire army to attack with haste, I expected something more dramatic. What is that thing? A burning shrubbery? [Hey, it worked for God and Moses, right? – Knut, back on the job]
Flametongue Kavu
“I spit in your general direction.”
Galvanic Arc
Apparently, having first strike means that you stick your tongue out like Michael Jordan on a fast break.
Ghitu Fire
I know that it can’t be easy to keep coming up with new ideas for direct damage spells, but come on, gang. Ghitu Fire was an X spell that could end the game at instant speed. Can’t we get something better than Mercedes Reuhl throwing a glop of flaming goo at that, that, whatever it is?
Hokori, Dust Drinker
Is that a giant dust bunny? It is, isn’t it? It’s a giant dust bunny. Where’s Rayne with the Hoover when you need her? (I fully expect to catch a lot of flack over that. I’m ready with my asbestos undies.)
Isochron Scepter
This looks like some bad Malcolm in the Middle intro bit. “Stop hitting yourself, Dewey. Stop hitting yourself, Dewey.” “Mom!” “Reece!”
Lightning Helix
See? I don’t think that everything Kev Walker does is gold. (Bad pun, I know. I had to do it. Please, forgive me.) In this one, the figure seems to be saying, “Oh, dude. I wasn’t any threat to you. What is up with that?”
Oblivion Stone
“Oh, no! Not the Great Big Prune Pit of Doom! Aiiieeee!”
Otherworldly Journey
I really have no idea what a turtle with halitosis has to do with this spell. I’ve tried to figure it out, but I just don’t get it.
Spectral Lynx
“Honey, the cat got into your ’80’s disco makeup again.”
Starstorm
I’m still surprised that Nike hasn’t sued over this thing.
The Bestest Art on the Worstest Cards
Like my favorite, non-Kev Walker art (Tuesday), I found it hard to really order these, except for my clear numero uno. Since this is kinda the opposite of Tuesday’s list, I’m doing this in reverse alphabetical order. That’s also convenient because, while I can’t decide on numbers two through ten, number one just happens to be first alphabetically:
Recuperate
Tim Hildebrandt did a fantastic job of capturing the look of some of the Renaissance religious masters in this one. That guy is definitely getting up and kicking some more azz.
Petalmane Baku
Poor Rebecca Guay. First, she gets kicked off of the artists roster for no good reason. Then, when she comes back, they give her a bunch of mid- and low-level cards. This is one of the few Spirit cards from Kamigawa block that I enjoy. It’s very evocative. I know it’s good because Luanne agreed that we could have a print of this in our dining room if we ever found one.
Loafing Giant
The Hildebrandt brothers again. I giggle a little every time I see this. He reminds me of my Uncle Larry. Down to the name.
Kami of the Crescent Moon
This is another that I like because it tickles my funny bone. I like the dual meaning of his name in light of the art.
Kamahl’s Desire
Of the five Odyssey Desires, this is far and away the best. Dave Dorman redeems his Charging Troll mishap with a subtle but clear depiction of the card’s name. Look closely at Kamahl’s face. It isn’t contorted with emotion like Patriarch’s Desire, for example. It’s almost as if Kamahl knows that his desire will come to pass and that it won’t much matter.
Goblin Game
Anthony DiTerlizzi is another of my favorite Magic artists. There’s a playfulness to his art that impresses me because it would be so easy for him to step over the line to silliness. (For another great example, check out his delightful Yavimaya Scion.) Goblin Game is the best example of his work in Extended. How can you lose this game to a guy trying to hide a sextant behind his back?
Defiling Tears
It’s probably the Catholic in me showing up again, but this picture impresses me because it’s reminiscent of some of the ancient icons. rk post has done an extremely good job of connecting a fictional world’s religious imagery with the real one’s.
Bloodcurdler
Yes, it is. This is a prime example of why I like Adam Rex’s art so much. If it wasn’t for the unreal subject matter, I’d say that it was the photorealistic quality that grabbed me, which is funny because I first got interested in his stuff because of his impressionist watercolor work on some of the older cards.
Blessing of Leeches
I’m sure that one of the reasons that I like this so much is that Rebecca Guay rarely does cards that aren’t Green, Blue, or White. In fact, of the 122 cards that she’s done, 53 have been Green, 25 White, and 22 Blue while only nine have been Black and five have been Red (not including gold cards which are still overwhelmingly White and Green). When I see her art on a Black card, it appears so much more striking because it’s so unexpected. Much like Perish, Blessing of Leeches becomes more powerful precisely because the beauty of the art stands in such stark contrast to what we expect from the art on Black cards.
Aven Trooper
I love vintage travel posters. My wife’s even done our downstairs bathroom in them. Greg Staples’ art on Aven Trooper makes me think of those. “Aven Airways: Come, Fly with Us.” Too bad it was wasted on such a bad card.
Tomorrow, I look at lands.