SCG Daily: From Right Field — Ars Gratia Artis
What’s the most overlooked aspect of Magic? The art, which is ironic (yes, I’m using it properly) because it’s the part that deserves the most looking at. Well, most of the time. I’ve always appreciated the art on the cards. In fact, it’s actually why I got into the game. The little miniature art prints really pulled me in. The creativity in the game itself has kept me going.
A few years ago, I did a piece for another site about Magic hotties. I’m going to update that today and follow up with some other pieces about art later this week. I’ve restricted myself to cards that are now Extended-legal. If I didn’t , no lady would compete with the S&M fairie Quinton Hoover put on Earthbind or Matthew Wilson’s Dakmor Sorceress. All of these choices and their orderings are, of course, purely subjective. You will probably disagree with me, even though you’d be wrong. Today, I tackle:
Magic’s Hottest Hotties
10. Heedless One— I love tall, muscular Amazon types. Loni Anderson on WKRP in Cincinnati and Lynda Carter’s Wonder Woman were two of my three first crushes. At Tulane, I dated a woman who was a four-year letterer on the volleyball team. There’s just something extremely hot about a woman like that who carries herself like she’s not ashamed of her size. (Yes, many women don’t like being over six feet tall.)
9. Voice of All—As part of the Bustier Battle Brigade, the Voice of All clearly knows that the best way to win a fight is to distract your enemy, so that he can’t even get a shot off. Um, so to speak.
8. Vulshok Sorcerer—She can ping you as soon as she comes out. Don’t you wish . . . .
7. Elvish Champion (Invasion version)—Kev Walker is my favorite Magic artist (that I haven’t interviewed), hands down. Behind him, there’s a logjam for number two. Sometimes, it’s D. Alexander Gregory. His Elvish Champion from Invasion was just the quintessence of subtle female power. She was going to lead you through the heart of battle and, if you did well, reward you afterward. Maybe. That’s her draw. I was quite perturbed at Wizards of the Coast when they changed the picture for Seventh Edition. It’s not that I don’t like Paolo Parente. Au contraire, mon frere. I love his stuff. It’s just that I like Mr. Gregory’s Elvish Champion better. I’m glad they came to their senses with Ninth Edition.
6. Seeker of Skybreak (Seventh Edition Version)—Oh, sure, she’s got her hand covering her brow like she’s scanning the horizon. The truth is obvious, though, when you really look at the art. The objects seeking skybreak are her lady lumps. If she sneezes, she’s popping out of that thing like Rose McGowan at a red-carpet event.
5. Akroma, Angel of Wrath (Onslaught Pacifism version)—It’s not that I don’t like the art on the actual Akroma card. It’s wonderful. But look at the picture on Pacifism. Like Voice of Law, Akroma knows that, simply by showing up, she’s beat half the crew. Yet, she has that coquettish look on her face, like: “What? Why are you all staring at me and not fighting?” If I had to guess, I’d say this Akroma was from Charleston, SC, or Savannah, GA. Just a guess.
4. Auriok Champion—Look at the way she’s tilted those hips. Look at the way her right hand is cocked. She’s saying, “Come and get it . . . if you think you can live that long.” Only an idiot would or someone with a huge ego would think he could pull a hottie that walks around in a white, fur bikini. I wonder how many kills she has . . . .
3. Walker of Secret Ways—Worse than the Auriok Champion, the Walker of the Street makes you think you have a chance with her. And you do, right up until the point where she removes your head from your neck. I wonder how many guys never saw it coming because they were looking at the tattoo on the small of her back, right where the dimples are. Yeah, like you didn’t notice.
2. Eternal Witness—Hot art on a hot card. Does it get any better than this? Well, since she’s number two, I obviously think it does, but not by much. Oh, and can someone answer this for me: if you live on a planet where even the plants are made of metal, why do you run around the forest in lingerie?
1. Shelter Woman—I think it’s gonna be a long, long time before any art is the equal of this lovely lady. I just don’t have the superlatives to explain how gorgeous I think this picture is. How can you explain why you love a sunset or why a particular song is your favorite? You can’t, really. You can only say, “Dude, look at her! She’s just so freakin’ hot!” Kinda like Shakespeare would do.
Honorable Mentions and Others
Keeper of the Flame didn’t make the cut this time, and I can’t really put my finger on the whys and wherefores other than to say that she just didn’t have “It” this time. Speaking of Keepers, you may be wondering why Keeper of the Mind isn’t on the list. Yes, I’ve seen the full piece of art, and the talented Mr. Wilson hit another homer. I’m looking at the cards, though, and the Blue Keeper didn’t have “It” [‘”It”‘? -Seamus]on the card itself.
You’re probably also wondering about everybody’s favorite Psycho Hose Babe, Braids, Cabal Minion. Well, as much as I’d like to infer a hot bod from that cah-ray-zay look, I just can’t tell. Sorry, gang. Exalted Angel, on the other hand, suffers from looking too much like Faith Hill. I know. “Suffer” is probably the wrong word, since I’m sure you’d like to “suffer” through a night with a woman who looked like that. It’s just that, well, Ms. Hill comes across as so “nice” and “sweet” that I just can’t imagine her as “hot,” [Uncle! No more “quotes”! -S] per se. Beautiful? Yes. Stunning? No doubt. Hot? Eh.
I’m willing to bet that Trophy Hunter is also a hottie, but she’s too covered up. What’s she hiding?
Finally, if you’re looking for Ink-Eyes, all I can say is “Ewwww. She’s a rat!”
Tomorrow: The Bestest of the Best Recent Magic Art