I want you to be good at Magic, just like me. While I understand you can never be as fantastic at this game as I am, this week is all about helping you to achieve those dreams, if they involve being tremendously awesome at Magic, but still nowhere at ridiculously broken as me. Each day, a lesson will be imparted in which you will learn to break things. I am your Aesop, so prick up your ears, pay strict attention, and you shall be delivered.
Today I will break Vintage wide open, just like Mike Long, though I won’t be so egotistical… I’ll be worse. Let the ideas contained within be your guide to understanding… everything.
First off, allow me to reveal everything I know about Vintage:
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Banana.
lol
Okay, you see what I have to work with. Clearly, I need to read as much as I can about the format, ingest, purge and sup more still. Alternatively, I can skip all that and offer shoddy analysis based on unproven theory and gut instinct, which has served me well in the past, as evidenced by my non-stellar ratings and complete lack of playing success.
As a point of reference, about a month ago I discovered that the “Stax” part of UbaStax referred to Smokestack, which is a card I broke unto entirety during the 2001 Extended season. For a recap, check my archives, but you’re lazy, so here’s the list:
Creatures (10)
Lands (21)
Spells (30)
Congratulations if you asked “how does it win?” You’re just like everyone else: short-sighted and intolerant. This is how:
Turn 1 Smokestack. Going first.
The ultimate play in a format rife with Trix.
Or with opponents playing anything.
Ever hear the story about a boy with a whole buncha mana and nothing to spend it on? Well, you won’t have that problem with this deck. In fact, neither you nor your opponent is apt to have any permanents to worry about. This does put a damper on actually winning the game, but once you establish complete control over the board, you can use one of the numerous card drawing spells er—
I realize the one Squee in the main might confuse you, so allow me to elaborate: he’s Masticore fodder, plain and simple, but in a pinch you absolutely cannot cast him. A strong play that I used on more than one occasion was to cast Masticore and use the last card in my hand (Vampiric Tutor) to search out Squee at end of turn. This is an advanced play that I don’t recommend for the faint of heart. Or those who wish to keep Masty in play.
Quite often, my opponent would stockpile lands as they watched me sac things to Braids or Smokestack, draw my card and pass the turn. Eventually, when I had nothing left to sac, and a board bereft of permanents, they would start to play lands. And creatures. And spells. And then win.
This led me to believe that of all the colors to accelerate with artifact mana, Black doesn’t seem to be the best. Of course, actually adding a few Black cards might be an idea you wish to explore.
I went 2-4-1 with the above deck, but I was tired and mana-screwed and my opponents cheated and top decked like gods and Sean McKeown picked on me all day long. On top of all that, I had toxic shock due to a last-minute audible from Kotex to Stayfree.
Since someone else Brokestack even more than I had, I am left with one of the following pet cards that I may use to annihilate Vintage:
Crypt KEEPER
The Sexual Chocolate (Nightscape Familiar to those who think my name is riggo)
Braids, Cabal Minion
Flame Rift for four
Escape Artist
Ichorid
The most obvious engine-unto-itself is Nightscape Familiar, but I already broke him in Invasion Block. I had previously broken Braids mere days after the release of Torment; Crypt KEEPER was included in the same decklist, which makes him severely damaged by default. Flame Rift is Red, which was broken by Dr. Richard Garfield, Ph.D. in 1993, and despite 15,000 words about The Artist, I never really liked the card. This leaves me with one viable card to destroy Vintage as we know it.
But first, a brief Crossroads Legacy tournament report:
January 21
I faced a Dauthi Slayer with an Umezawa’s Jitte and two counters before I had a single card in my yard, multiple Swords to Plowshares, Putrefy on a lethal Psychatog, a number of active and available Pernicious Deeds, many Bobs, turn 1 and 2 Grim Lavamancers, Pox, and once—now listen to me: do not try this at home:
In one game, my first play was a turn 4 Golgari Grave-Troll with no creatures in the yard. I won that game soon after by swinging for 21 uncounterable and unblockable damage from absolutely nowhere.
gg.
I went 4-0, mulliganed to five a couple times and never lost a single game.
N’yah.
End brief Crossroads Legacy tournament report.
If you think the deck is batty in Extended, add four Ashen Ghoul. This is the list I played, (and a deck I would actually recommend for Legacy – unlike last week’s list, which was completely Extended but Craig thought it tight enough to put it in that little box and throw it in the Legacy database because he knows I’m that good at Magic):
Creatures (25)
- 4 Psychatog
- 1 Wonder
- 4 Ashen Ghoul
- 2 Putrid Imp
- 4 Ichorid
- 4 Golgari Grave-Troll
- 2 Golgari Thug
- 4 Stinkweed Imp
Lands (14)
Spells (21)
Sideboards are for people playing fair decks.
Careful Study is strictly superior to Tolarian Winds in many ways, the most obvious of which is converted mana cost. While it may not result in a mind-blowing thirty card dredge that looks good on camera, it’s the ultimate turn 1 play in a deck with fourteen lands, and especially one really wanting to play Infestation turn 2. Study giveth smoother mana and immediate discard, and one less difficult play decision (Infestation or Winds) to make. Plus, the saying isn’t “Winds and grow strong…”
If you’re unaware, the only cards you’ll ever see is your opening seven and maybe one or two more, if your opponent is lucky. Hence, start on turn 1: Study and grow even stronger.
Vin-tage, noun: A place where existing archetypes are immediately inundated with as many restricted cards as possible. I think.
In order to make this deck Vintage-viable (or at least legal), one should almost certainly remove three Chrome Mox — it’s restricted and all; recommended replacements would obviously be Black Lotus, Sapphire and Jet Moxen. Obviously? You’d probably do just as well with four Blood Pet or additional lands; sacrificing the occasional burst of speed for Ichy fodder that also semi-ramps is entirely a personal choice.
The next question is “what about the card drawing?” The answer is omg can you imagine a turn 1 Black Lotus into Wheel of Fortune or Windfall with Grave-Troll in hand…?
This could result in thirty-nine cards in the bin and seven cards in hand before you end your first turn…ugh b0rk3N! That will happen approximately once every fourteen years; hence replacing three Chrome Mox with lands or Blood Pet probably wouldn’t hurt the overall unlikelihood of opening with Lotus, Wheel, Wowzah…even if you had to wait thirteen more years.
Turn 1 Hermit Druid, I hear ya’, but put you on my ignore list because he is not a 3/1.
This is the Friggorid Vintage shell – you may look, but do not touch:
4 Careful Study
4 Cabal Therapy
2 Putrid Imp
4 Zombie Infestation
4 Deep Analysis
2 Golgari Thug
1 Life from the Loam
4 Pissyhog
4 Stinkweed Imp
4 Ashen Ghoul
4 Ichorid
1 Wonder
4 Golgari Grave-Troll
That’s forty-two cards, which leaves eighteen slots, sixteen of which should be mana producers. You could add two more Putrid Imp, though I would err on the side of broken artifacts or other mana sources if possible. If I was pretentious (and fortunate) enough to own insane cards that were once traded even-up for Shivan Dragon, I might prefer to see:
14 lands
1 Black Lotus
1 Mox Jet
1 Mox Sapphire
1 Chrome Mox
You could go as low as ten lands, but this would require Comer-esque additions (Land Grant and a place in The Hall), not to mention a Tropical Island or two to fetch. This would allow you to keep more questionable hands, but since this is a spell you would most likely need to resolve or head to the next game, I recommend plan b, which involves not using spells worth countering in the first place. Since the deck is chock fulla hella spells like that, this is easily accomplished, particularly against opponents who are much too insecure about their sexuality to even consider countering Putrid Imp or Infestation.
Ancestral Recall offers some card advantage (yes, “some,” much like “some” white trash musicians have beat on Pam Anderson), but it’s only one card and doesn’t help the overall strategy a bit. Of course, a turn 1 Ancestral may result in more than seven cards, which forces you to discard (Grave-Troll), but that’s not an entirely sexy way to go about your business, even if it’s pretty much what Study does. Whatever, it’s restricted and expensive.
The rule I had way back when was simple:
The graveyard is where other people put their “dead” cards — mine merely take five.
None of the Black creatures are dead, and with Thug they could gain a new lease on life. Life from the Loam means the lands are kewl, and everything else had flashback except for Infestation, which I feel is the ultimate enabler (even better than ‘Tog). I realize many aren’t fans of making Pro Player tokens, but in most circumstances it’s nearly impossible to lose a game in which it hits. Not running four is a cry for help.
Careful Study is a dead once it bins, and if it isn’t in your opener, you’ve wasted four critical slots that you’ll wish were anything else. I have to use the Infestation logic on this one: it’s so freakin’ good that you must play it. Times four.
Cabal Therapy is an auto-include because of one simple reason: for this deck, there exists no single discard spell this effective. None are even in the same category. I believe this to be the card that ties the entire deck together and grants it status du ridiculous. Without it, you’re defenseless. With it, you’re the Beatdown, the Combo and the Control. On the same turn.
When you can strip a number of cards from your opponent for an investment of absolutely nothing, you have gained an advantage so one-sided as to be obscene. Save the “it costs you a card” argument, because when you flash it back with Ichy you lose a total of zero real resources. That’s odd: using one card to sacrifice another card in play actually results in card advantage (of a sort that defies the term so pleh).
As a result, I’ve taken a very keen interest in Cry of Contrition. Haunt makes this feel like flashing back a very generic Therapy without needing to sacrifice a creature. Please never perform the following play in front of children or the randomly impressionable:
A. Cast Contrition
B. Haunt Ichy
C. Serve for three
Ya. Sac Ichy to flashback Therapy
Utterly Sickening Results
B
Sorcery/Instant
Target player loses three life and discards three cards.
Nauseating.
I can’t wait to try it.
But it must be drawn into the hand to be effective, otherwise it’s completely dead. For this reason, it won’t make the cut, at least at this point, although I’m excited by the possibilities in Standard.
Deep Analysis is also an immediate four-of. I’ve seen lists that include two or three copies, and to me this seems so silly that even I wouldn’t do it. You absolutely want to flash it back as soon as possible/feasible, and often more than once.
Golgari Thug and Life from the Loam are question marks to some. Both have tremendous synergy in at least three ways, and I have no idea how those players who ran only eight dredge cards and twelve non-Ichy creatures managed to recur enough times to win. Until I hear a valid reason not to include at least one of each, consider your argument invalid.
Four Ichy, Grave-Troll, Stinkweed Imp, one Wonder. Not open for discussion, save for those who prefer two Wonder.
Ashen Ghoul could be knocked down to three: there are times when his mana requirement is mildly annoying (recur or flashback Analysis? Hint: more cards = usually more better), and his “three doods above” restriction can prevent recurrence every so often… Still, a deck with eight Ichorids is outrageous on general principle alone.
Pissyhog is a card that rarely sees play; in ordinary situations you won’t reach three mana without acceleration, but his text box does read: “target player don’t hafta like it.” Since he is an outlet, win condition, and a creature relevant to both Ichy and Ghoul, not to mention a prime target for Thug’s reverse-Time-Walk ability, I am loathe to consider pushing him aside.
Furthermore, if he needed to exit stage right, what would be better than dear ol’ ‘Tog? You won’t find many people lining up to give you an answer, because nothing is better. Even when he doesn’t show up, he’s better than any three-mana creature you could name.
The basic differences between Legacy and Vintage consist of the following:
-3 Chrome Mox
-1 Golgari Thug if you absolutely must but don’t must
+3 broken artifacts
+1 Windfall
I would recommend against ditching the second Thug, though Windfall does offer insane possibilities, albeit as a fifty-nine-to-one shot. If you hate Thug that much, add another Putrid Imp, who, while not my favorite outlet-slash-beater, does his job very well.
As an added moment of clarity, you might as well ditch the Lotus. If this concerns you, try both Lotus and Lion’s Eye Diamond to see how useless three mana of any color is when you can only use it once. “Lotus, land” may allow you play a turn 1 ‘Tog and burn for one, or the somewhat sexy “Infestation, discard Analysis and flash it back,” but while these are exceptional plays, they are likely to happen about as often as someone offers Mark Rosewater random kudos.
frigginrizzo: ← offers Mark Rosewater kudos, but not randomly.
Discarding your hand for the Diamond has its merits, but that mana would usually matter only if Analysis is in the bin or three Ghouls are set to return during your uppittykeep.
I can’t go any longer without mentioning Bazaar of Baghdad, nor my desire to discover just how wacky it could be in here. An opening hand of six spells and Bazaar never looked so good. An uncounterable Careful Study every turn with an additional drawback that actually furthers your agenda and enhances the deck’s capacity to break itself seems okay to me.
Based on nothing more than the utter cuteness of the above scenario, I say add one, mostly because you can get it back and it’s just silly yo’, while Lotus sits in the graveyard, which is most likely not the preferred locale of a $2500 card. Most likely.
As for the “metagame,” I see Vintage breaking down into three categories:
Combo decks that can win before you take a turn.
Creature decks.
Hybrids with some disruptive elements.
If Combo Boy goes first and assembles his combo on turn 1, you lose. I imagine most decks without multiple Force of Will do the same. However, even with a ton of broken cards, I find it implausible that this is a frequent event. If it was, everyone would play four Force of Will, Shoal and Misdirection or not even bother showing up. Then again, I don’t know.
If you lose to a creature deck when you can toss out an endless supply of 3/1s with haste that are impervious to combat damage and destroy effects, you deserve it.
Hybrids may be troublesome, since they’re like you, but worse. They can strip your hand or blow up lands, but unlike you, they can’t bring twelve points of love into play with zero cards in hand and no permanents.
I imagine the Vintage metagame is more complex than I make it out to be, but you must understand that I am awful at Magic. Or maybe I hit the nail on the head.
You were waiting for that, weren’t you?
There are two ways to address that problem, both of which involve the sideboard:
4 Null Rod
4 Null Rod
4 Unmask
3 Unmask
If you expect Tormod’s Crypt to be brought in game 2, you could side in Unmask and Null Rod: if you can’t strip it from their hand, nullify it. The second option is this:
Sideboard:
4 Nothing
4 Nothing
4 Nothing
3 Nothing
In other words, ignore it. Or play around it. Or strip it from their hand. Let’s look at those options individually.
Ignore it.
Crypt must first show up in their opening hand or soon thereafter and be cracked at a moment when you are most vulnerable. Believe it or not, there are times when removing your graveyard is not cause for an immediate “gg.” These situations ordinarily involve ‘Tog, Ghouls, or a horde of 2/2s, which is yet another reason 4x Infestation is a no-brainer. Other instances can slow you down, but unless most of your deck is affected, you can fight your way back, sometimes with nary a scratch. But it still suxxors.
You can side in Null Rod, and even Dimir Infiltrator/real tutors to fetch it if so inclined, but playing your game with an awareness of a potential Crypt may be the best defense, which is a smack-you-in-the-chops offense.
Play around it.
You can run out little zombies, or ‘Tog even, and play somewhat conservatively so as to minimize any impact it will have if it does come to play. The deck can sneak out a single Ichorid every turn, and combined with a couple zombies turning sideways, can present a fairly effective clock.
Remember, when Ashen Ghoul is returned, he stays returned until he is actually killed. This is not a minor point. A Crypt does little good when two Ghouls can attack unimpeded. You solved that graveyard problem, pal – now take six and continue to take six until you solve this board problem. By then I may have presented you with that graveyard problem all over again — hope you have another Crypt.
Strip it from their hand.
Obviously, this only works on turn 1 when you go first. Hopefully, they drew all four, you drew Therapy, and are now free to roam about their life total.
An additional problem is the “shuffle graveyard into library” mess: Timetwister and Time Spiral to be exact. If your yard is missing an awful lot of Black creatures because Ichy went and ate them, it’s, like, bad.
As an added bonus, you get to draw seven cards, with any number of outlets and dredge cards removed from the game, which basically restarts your plan at a heavy disadvantage. Then again, with creatures on the board, the clock still ticks, and if your outlet happens to be Infestation when they Time it up, you just got yourself three free creatures.
There are plenty of cards that can hurt you, but they will do no harm unless they are first drawn and then successfully cast. Pending those occurrences, you’re in the driver’s seat as both the Beatdown and the Control, with a little hybrid thrown in for good measure.
Friggorid for Vintage. By…Men-nen.
Creatures (25)
- 4 Psychatog
- 1 Wonder
- 4 Ashen Ghoul
- 2 Putrid Imp
- 4 Ichorid
- 4 Golgari Grave-Troll
- 2 Golgari Thug
- 4 Stinkweed Imp
Lands (15)
Spells (20)
- 4 Zombie Infestation
- 4 Careful Study
- 4 Cabal Therapy
- 4 Deep Analysis
- 1 Mox Jet
- 1 Mox Sapphire
- 1 Chrome Mox
- 1 Life from the Loam
Sideboard
Add 4x Something Good to the board, and we’re hot to trot.
You could add a lot more broken cards if you were so inclined, but wouldn’t you rather beat the P10 with bad creatures and cards that weren’t even good in block?
Last night, I read a number of Vintage articles, poured over the decklists and came to a conclusion: the format isn’t as DeGeneres as I thought. While there are a number of ridiculous plays that can be made, I can’t see – though I’m sure I don’t know what to look for — a deck that simply terrifies me.
I may be wrong about the playability of Friggorid in the format of utter silliness, but until that’s proven, and I bet many of you will attempt to do just that and will likely succeed, I’ll go and figure that Vintage can be successfully pestered by an Extended deck with Ashen Ghoul and a mere four broken cards.
Today, Vintage is a dinosaur. I think I just broke it, though I highly doubt it. I’ll let the experts chime in on why I’m out of my freakin’ mind, and hopefully someone will present said experts with angry 3/1s to the face until they hear “hey, stop presenting me with angry 3/1s to the face!”
So Weld that Stack, Belch two lands, Drain that Mana, and keep the receipt for those Gifts, ‘cause everything you know about Magic is incorrect.
Except that I’m bad at it.
John Friggin’ Rizzo