Looking back at some of my article titles, I can see how some of them might be a little — how shall we say? – obscure. Can’t say that’s a problem this week. Two words: Gatherer and Sealed. You’ve almost certainly heard of both of them. Gatherer is the official search engine over on the mothership, and Sealed is a way of playing Magic against other people, utilising the opening of packs and creating the best deck that you can. This article combines the two to skilful, entertaining and occasionally comedic effect.
I fear change, and if I didn’t, this article might have been written some time ago. For what seems like an absolute age, the official site has had two versions of Gatherer running side by side. Given the choice of an older version that I know or a new version with additional functionality that I don’t, I’ll take the old version every time. So I did, until the older version got retired to the software kingdom in the sky, and I was forced to embrace change. Sigh.
The new Gatherer looks quite pretty. It has lots of buttons that I’m moderately certain I’m never going to touch. As someone married to a lady who seems to add a new language to her repertoire at a rate comparable to Magic expansions, I’m interested in the foreign cards, so suddenly having a dedicated button that can bring up all the versions of a card is a nice addition. It didn’t however make me want to design a new way of playing Magic.
But the next button I saw did…
Random Card.
Random Card? As in “anything from the history of the game ever?” That sounds like a really neat way to have a few minutes of reminiscing with some old friends. And then I thought, ‘what if you clicked on Random Card 45 times?’ And then, ‘What if you had to build a Sealed Deck from your 45 cards, and would then play against people who had also clicked 45 times to create their super-random Sealed pool?’ And then, ‘Wouldn’t that lead to some awesome interactions, and the possibility of insane combo action?’
Let’s find out.
Click — Fireball! It’s quite a way to start, and one hell of a way to finish. When I was starting playing in 1997, Fireball was a total staple of the game. It came as quite a surprise to find that since 5th Edition it’s only been reprinted once, in Darksteel. Unless you count Jace versus Chandra, which I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking sounds like an unsuccessful hip-hop act of the late 1990s. The nadir for Fireball was when somebody decided to ‘clean it up’ by making it look like the opening of Fermat’s Last Theorem. With only one red in the casting cost, there’s no way this won’t make the deck.
Click — Gorilla Warrior. This Urza’s Saga common is fine at 3/2 for 2G. I’m not sure what the ratio is between creatures and the rest, but I suspect that there isn’t going to be much removal, and reasonable creatures are going to be at a premium.
Click — Land Grant. From Mercadian Masques, there’s a reasonable bet that this can’t help for fixing purposes, since it requires Green mana in the first place, but at least we can thin our deck for free later on. This card was at its best when Zvi Mowshowitz came up with 8 Land Stompy, which had, curiously, 8 land. That meant getting it for free on turn 1 was a highly likely play. Sweet.
Click — Blue Elemental Blast. Our first piece of removal, and potentially might act as a counterspell on an opposing kill spell. Perhaps if they get a Fireball? Since this card is an Interrupt, we’re going to make the rule that cards work as they would if they were legal now, i.e. at Instant speed.
Click — Dandan. This was a staple of tournament sideboards for ages, because 4 power on the front end was a lot, especially if you could back it up with countermagic, which Ophidian decks had plenty of. In this format, it might turn out to be an efficient wall, since there’s unlikely to be many ways to ‘donate’ an island to our opponent. Still, if our opponent plays Blue, all well and good.
Click — Swamp. Boooooo! We don’t want no stinking land. I wonder how many there are in Gatherer. Is there just one entry for Swamp, Island, Plains and so on, or are there many, four from each major expansion for example?
Click — Mogg Bombers. Once, when I knew nothing about Magic, I thought that a 3/4 for 4 that also got to hit an opponent for 3 whole damage was a really good deal. So good, that I actually played it in the expectation that this is what it would do. But no. This is a time-delay burn spell, dealing 3 damage for 4 mana. Hideous. Thanks, Stronghold.
Click — Elvish Berserker. Was there ever a time when this was good? I suppose it might get a few early damage in.
Click — Fyndhorn Elves. Oh, now we’re talking. Legitimate mana acceleration, and it’s hard to imagine we won’t have some powerful stuff that we want to get out as quickly as possible. Lots of good players see cards like this and terminate them (or even Terminate them) with extreme prejudice, fearing getting too far behind. (From now on, the “Click” is a given.)
Glory Seeker — I confess to liking simplicity, and this was a fine Limited beater in its Onslaught day.
Sunscape Familiar — Hmm. A fine Limited beater isn’t something anyone has accurately said about this 0/3 Wall (oops, sorry, Defender) for 2. I suppose making my Green and Blue spells cheaper might be relevant, but I’d like to think this won’t make the cut.
Calming Verse — I didn’t think much of Prophecy, and cards like this are part of the reason why. Sideboard.
Bursting Beebles — From an iconic artist (Rebecca Guay) to an iconic creature type, Beebles were very popular during Saga block. Whilst our knowledge of the universe (like the universe itself) is constantly expanding, I suspect the precise probability of an opponent having two or more non-land permanents in play that share an artist is something destined to be hidden for all time.
Merfolk of the Pearl Trident — Magic sometimes makes radical shifts, and sometimes the changes are subtle. Over the years, 1/1s for 1 have been crap, but at least as time has gone on R&D have taken the time and effort to make stupid people think they aren’t crap. Back in the days of Merfolk of the Pearl Trident, they were a bit more brazen about it. ‘Hi, this card is crap. Gonna play with it anyway?’ Er, no, I’m not.
Diabolic Tutor — My final card out of booster one turns out to be potentially awesome. Even if it only read, ‘Search out game-ending Fireball’ it would be good most of the time, but since it can get anything whatsoever, and there’s bound to be more decent targets on the way, it’s as if I’m playing with a second copy of all my good stuff. The only downside is the double Black in the casting cost, since this is the first Black card I’ve seen.
Off to pack two, and our opening click gives us…
Crosis’s Catacombs — Hurrah for mana-fixing. This Planeshift uncommon comes at a price less exciting than the current tri-lands, since it inevitably sets you back a turn, but still, in this format? Three colors of mana sounds like it could be very valuable come build time.
Fiery Justice — Well ok, maybe the Catacombs isn’t going to give us the right mana, but this can decimate an opposing board. Or indeed, kill more than a tenth part of it. Now I get to ask very kindly for that Green monster out of Future Sight that gets bigger every time your opponent gains life. Ah yes, Kavu Predator, that’s the one. Oh, and Grove Of The Burnwillows wouldn’t go amiss either.
Lay Of The Land — Mmm, more fixing, and now it’s starting to shape up that I’m going to run Green, because that kind of fixing is not to be sniffed at. Even though Calming Verse is.
Forest — Grrrrrrrrr.
Gleancrawler — Ker-ching. What’s that sound I hear? Could it be the sound of my opponent sweeping up their permanents? Just for a moment, we’ll pretend that this guy doesn’t give you the ability to smash into the red zone with impunity and then bring them all back in Living Death-style fashion. Instead, let’s focus on the fact that for six mana you get a 6/6 Trampler, and until they print the keyword Ginger – a top secret project that Tom LaPille and I are hard at work on as we speak – Trample is going to be one of the best keywords in the game.
Nether Shadow — Remember Craig Jones? Lightning Helix? Honolu…oh, never mind. Point is, this bloke I know called Craig Jones used to look at each new set, and whenever the Constructed environment was especially hostile to creatures, whether it be due to tons of mass removal or killer Control counterspell decks, he’d sigh and say, ‘Time to wheel out the cockroaches’. He would say this because the theory goes that after a nuclear holocaust event, such as Susan Boyle winning Britain’s Got Talent, the only things that will be left on Earth will be Magic and cockroaches. BDM reckons it will be a bit more precise, and be White Weenie and cockroaches, but that gets in the way of the analogy, and so I’m going to ignore it. Nether Shadow just comes back and back and back, and against limited amounts of removal, that’s got to be a good thing.
Shock — Horror! Removal! It’s not as if I wasn’t playing Fireball anyway, but now here’s another reason for Mountains to be in the deck. One of the entertaining aspects of Worlds 2006 in Paris was how Standard decks featured Shock, a 1 mana instant dealing 2 damage, and two days later most Extended decks featured Sudden Shock, a 2 mana instant dealing 2 damage, strictly a retrograde step. Ah, Metagame, how I love thee…
Song Of Serenity — I guess at one time this must have been mildly irritating for someone playing with Rancor. Perhaps my opponent will be playing with Rancor. I think I’ll risk it, and use this to prop up a virtual wobbly table.
Tangle Kelp — For a very reasonable (cheap) cost, this functions as quasi-removal, although being smacked about the face by something huge before you can use it seems less than stellar.
Honor The Fallen — Mercadian Masques hasn’t fared terribly well in the minds of players down the years. Masques Block Constructed was one of the least fair formats ever (where seven of the eight Top 8 at the Pro Tour were all Rebel chain decks, and the winner was the one that always beat Rebel chain decks) and all in all it’s now seen as being a little underwhelming. As someone who loved Rishadan Port, for flavor and functionality, I have more time for the set than most. And then Gatherer spews up a two casting cost lifegain/recursion-basher. That was Rare. Rare!
Leaping Lizard — Hang on. This can’t be right. I thought Homelands was meant to be irredeemably crap, but here I get a 2/3 for 3 mana that turns into a 2/2 flyer for a two-mana activation. And it’s Green. Anyone have Homelands boosters for sale?
Crimson Manticore — Talking of 2/2 flyers, here’s another one that doesn’t turn up where it should. Flyers in Red are meant to be either (a) gigantic Rare Dragons that eat people for breakfast or (a) utter toiletry. This Rare from Legends is neither. What he is, however, is a recurring source of damage to attackers or blockers. A sort of Red flying Crossbow Infantry then. Thanks.
Magma Sliver — Since we’re almost at the end of pack two, I don’t think my chances of building a dedicated Sliver sub-theme in my deck are very high. On the plus side, I have a feeling that Hill Giants are going to be really good in this Format, so Magma Sliver doesn’t need any help to make it good.
Channel — In his book ‘An Utterly Impartial History of Britain (Or 2000 Years of Upper Class Idiots In Charge)’ John O’Farrell writes, ‘The American Revolution was far from inevitable. Like everything in history except the death of Diana, the causes are complex and varied.’ Aside from causing a chortling earthquake that got me an elbow in the ribs from my slumbering wife, this gives you a good idea where I stand on the matter of conspiracy theories. And yet… And yet I know how strange the minds of computer programmers are. They like to make ‘jokes.’ The kind of jokes that they know are only going to be found by one random soul, possibly years after they’ve died or passed entirely into a binary existence. Fact is, I have this recurring image of just such a computer programmer in Seattle, sitting three desks away from Mark Rosewater and thinking, ‘One day someone will invent Gatherer Sealed using this functionality that I have spent the last year adding to the program, and then there will be a 0.003854% chance that they will randomly be given Fireball as a card. And if that happens, imagine their thrill and surprise when I insert this additional logarhythmic transmutation that will lead to them also having Channel in their pool an additional 7.359% of the time, seasonally adjusted. Wouldn’t that be the best joke ever?’ For those of you still pondering the nature of this ‘joke,’ go look at Channel and Fireball carefully, and remember that they were around together at a time when life totals only got checked at the end of a phase, meaning you could put yourself to negative life. So what do you reckon? Awesome coincidence, software humor, or Karma? You decide. Actually, don’t, it isn’t Karma, because that’s a White enchantment.
Craw Wurm — This is the kind of card they used to put in Core Set theme decks because they so exemplified what Green was in the color pie, where Big Dumb and Green was spelt f-a-t.
Two packs down, one to go. The deck is shaping up nicely, with Red and Green looking more or less locked in, and White as a possible splash. Time to…
Click – Voodoo Doll. I’ve finally worked out how the Chronicles expansion got its name. It’s because they decided to write a novel on every card. Voodoo Doll has the kind of templating that would send Del Laugel into a coma, requiring a combination of magnifying glass and bonus oxygen to decipher. I eventually discovered that in order to make it even vaguely playable I needed to relentlessly tap it before the end of my turn, lest I started sticking pins in myself. Still, without this it’s still a source of recurring single points of damage for 2 mana. Has it really come to this?
Wrath of Marit Lage — I don’t think I’m going to be playing Blue, and I certainly won’t be committing in order to get this double U-required five casting cost Enchantment into play. If this were Gatherer Draft, I’d be hate-drafting quicker than you could say ‘bummed all over town’ (World record 0.67 seconds), but instead it’s just a wasted click.
Water Wurm — Like many of my friends, I won’t hear a word said against Shandalar, the mighty Microprose Magic PC game with the dodgy AI and more bugs than a lepidopterist convention. However, friends tell friends when they’ve done something bad, and let’s be truthful — Shandalar is the digital resting place of some of the most rank creatures in the history of the game. Water Wurm came out of The Dark. Whoever switched the light on wants shooting.
Sadistic Augermage — What tremendous fun Ravnica was, with its superbly-realised world of political machinations. Although this is hardly one of the greatest hits, if I end up with Black in the deck this will probably make it in.
Exhumer Thrull — And we stay with the world of Ravnica with this Guildpact uncommon. 3/3 for 6 is a lot of mana, but with the Haunt ability there’s a serious amount of recursion tacked on to this Hill Giant.
Lairwatch Giant — I drafted Lorwyn a lot, and I drafted White a lot, so I tended to pay attention to cards like Lairwatch Giant. When I saw one in pack seven, I used to see how often it would table as a last pick. Always.
Niveous Wisps — I think it was Devin Low who wrote an excellent article on the history of cantrips, cards that have the words ‘draw a card’ tacked on to relatively minor effects to help them become more playable. Making a creature White is really unexciting, unless you’ve got a Terror you’re itching to aim at a Black creature. Tapping a creature is an okay ability. Drawing a card is awesome times, especially as it can get me closer to my stupidly historically-broken Combo.
Goblin Flotilla — People who complain about liberties being taken by the blurring of the color wheel don’t know they’re born. Let’s see if I’ve got the idea of Goblin Flotilla right. They’re Goblins, at home on land, but not at sea, so they have this mechanical drawback that means they have to pay one or creatures they tangle with get First Strike. But hang on. Goblin Flotilla has Islandwalk. So there are all these sea creatures in Blue — you know, Merfolk, killer whales, Leviathans and the like — who see these hapless Goblins chugging towards them in this flimsy rowing boat and throw up their fins in horror and go ‘okay, that’s it, we just can’t touch you, now that you’ve got oars.’ Not the finest hour for flavor methinks. And you can bet I’ll be playing them.
Elspeth, Knight Errant — Because I have no friends, I was doing this exercise alone, but I can imagine raucous cheers going up if you tried this with a bunch of mates on a Saturday evening of cheap cider on your local street corner when this lady turns up. A Planeswalker? Thank you very much. I suspect the whole +3+3 and flying thing is going to be sufficient long before we get to her ultimate ability.
Hate Weaver — 2/1s for 2 don’t generally make it onto many people’s Top 10 lists. It’s just not that glamorous a slot in the grand scheme of things. Alright, I’m lying. I’ve just gone and used Gatherer to list the 142 creatures that are two mana 2/1s, and they include Kataki, War’s Wage; Dark Confidant; River Boa; Rofellos, Llanowar Emissary… Look, my point was, before the facts got in the way, that the Reavers were quite okay really. Let’s move on.
Island — Personally, I don’t think John Avon’s series of basic lands for Unhinged will ever be beaten, but at least I got to look at a pretty Mirrodin Island for 0.3 seconds before clicking again.
Nightscape Apprentice — Perhaps this a blind spot to me, but in my travels I’ve encountered huge numbers of medium-to-low level players who simply don’t regard First Strike as something to be feared, even when it can be granted at instant speed to any one of the opposing creatures. I’ve always loved the ability, and tried very hard to do something Constructed with Knighthood. I failed.
Grimclaw Bats — The very definition of a ‘race’ card, the Bats are really good at keeping up the pressure once you’re ahead.
Dreamborn Muse — Once you start playing Constructed, you secretly hope that you’ll open cards like this in your Prerelease Sealed deck, in the knowledge that it’s the kind of card that has a possible place of pride in some heretofore unknown archetype. Since this isn’t about Constructed, we just shrug at a 2/2 for four with a useless ability.
And we’re just one click away from finishing our pool. Go on Gatherer, give us something good…
Mirrorweave — Woohoo! New Gatherer gives you the full list of relevant rulings, and Mirrorweave has a bucketful. Right up there is the bit about ‘this effect can cause each other creature to stop being a creature.’ Yep, interacting with an active Mutavault turned everything else into an unanimated Mutavault. We actually choose to play this game, you know.
So there it is, our truly Random Sealed pool. The final pack muddied the waters somewhat, since Grimclaw Bats, Nightscape Apprentice, Hate Weaver, Exhumer Thrull and Sadistic Augermage are all entirely playable and have the bonus of featuring both power and toughness. That makes Nether Shadow and crucially Diabolic Tutor now viable. My Red/Green/Black deck looks like this:
Elvish Berserker
Gorilla Warrior
Fyndhorn Elves
Gleancrawler
Leaping Lizard
Craw Wurm
Mogg Bombers
Crimson Manticore
Magma Sliver
Goblin Flotilla
Nether Shadow
Sadistic Augermage
Exhumer Thrull
Hate Weaver
Nightscape Apprentice
Grimclaw Bats
(16 creatures)
Fireball
Shock
Land Grant
Lay of the Land
Channel
Diabolic Tutor
(6 spells)
However, although Diabolic Tutor can set up the win for me with either Fireball or Channel, I can’t resist the lure of the White. So here’s the finished article (and almost the finished article, ho ho):
Elvish Berserker
Gorilla Warrior
Fyndhorn Elves
Gleancrawler
Leaping Lizard
Craw Wurm
Mogg Bombers
Crimson Manticore
Magma Sliver
Goblin Flotilla
Glory Seeker
Sunscape Familiar
Lairwatch Giant
(13 creatures)
Fireball
Shock
Land Grant
Lay of the Land
Channel
Niveous Wisps
Mirrorweave
Fiery Justice
(8 spells)
(1 Planeswalker)
18 land.
So now it’s your turn, if you can spare quarter of an hour or so. I’ve proxied up this bad boy, and I’m itching to run it up against someone with a similar desire to click their way to success. So, post your Gatherer Sealed Pool in the Forums, and what your final starting lineup looks like. Then, if you’re willing, it’ll be time to play ‘Magic by Mail!’
Until then, as ever, thanks for reading.
R.