That’s right, I’m offering a completely unique contest. The Ferrett did just such a thing, and his article has remained on the front page for ages. It’s become a staple of StarCityCCG. I wonder if the editor himself might have something to do with that . . .
Nevertheless, I have decided to run a mini contest of my own. Until August 32nd*, I’ll be keeping track of constructive criticism. That’s right, if you write in and tell me (in a kind, genteel fashion) what I could be doing better, you will receive two points on the scoresheet. As a bonus, if you let me know what I’m doing right that you enjoy, you’ll get a point on the scoresheet. At the end of the contest, the winner will receive public recognition. The only reason I began writing was to be published; now, all you have to do is READ to get published! Plus, upon reflection of all the criticism, everyone will benefit with a better writer to read.
"But Daniel," you say. "Why are you doing this? You usually give us insightful and entertaining analyses of the game of Magic." Good question, my friend.
For those of you who don’t know, Meridian Magic (www.meridianmagic.com) extracts the best Magic writing from the ‘Net and publishes it on their site. Well, last week, my article, Trading, Part II, was featured on the site. Now, for the writer who only began writing to see his name in print, this is a HUGE honor! I was elated to find that something I wrote finally got on the site. So now, to honor all of my hard work, I’ve decided to take one week off and try an entirely different approach.
This gives me an excellent opportunity to present to the Magic community the reality of its storyline. If you know anything about ancient Magical history, you’d know that powerstones were the way of the Thran. They did everything. Whatever electricity accounts for now was accounted for by powerstones. Well, believe it or not, they even had powerstone computers! Where there are computers, there’s memory, and where there are powerstones, there’s Wizards of the Coasts. So, logically, whatever was on those computers would have been compiled by Wizards. So, with some quick hacking skills, I managed to worm my way into their database, and what I emerged with was amazing: An actual Internet dialogue between Yawgmoth and Urza. Now is my chance to share it with the world. Watch, and be amazed!
YAWGMOTH666: At last, after all my years of searching, you are MINE!
UrZa PlAnEsWaLkEr: hey. why didnt you just search for my profile? 🙂
YAWGMOTH666: What? Enough of this foolishness. In a few moments, my negators will have tracked down your access to the Power Lane, and an attack mightier than your destruction of Argoth shall surge through ambulators to decimate you.
UrZa PlAnEsWaLkEr: cool. can you wait till i finish with my porn?
YAWGMOTH666: WHAT?! How dare you? Don’t know who this is? I am the great Yawgmoth, Eternal Will of Phyrexia, the Lord of the Wastes. The Ineffable.
UrZa PlAnEsWaLkEr: whatever dude
YAWGMOTH666: You DARE mock me? Your carcass shall be roasted in an inferno never before felt by mortal or god.
UrZa PlAnEsWaLkEr: dude, youve got some serious problems. if you don’t simmer down, i’m gonna report you.
YAWGMOTH666: Report me?! To whom shall you "report me." I am the mightiest being in existence. With a mere whim, the minds of an entire plane are mind to command. The arm of my forces stretches into infinity, and one day, all of Dominia shall be my domain.
UrZa PlAnEsWaLkEr: whatever dude. when you’re online, the only god is AOL
YAWGMOTH666: This is blasphemous. Never before have I been faced with such insolence. My sole condolence is that within moments, my arch nemesis will lie dead at the feet of my army.
UrZa PlAnEsWaLkEr: whatever dude
YAWGMOTH666: Cease that infernal slang! Your incessant blather makes my fingers itch!
UrZa PlAnEsWaLkEr: you should get that checked out, dude. i’d suggest www.itchyfingers.com. that should do it.
YAWGMOTH666: You suggest a WEBSITE to me? When you face imminent doom?
UrZa PlAnEsWaLkEr: there’s nothing like a good website
YAWGMOTH666: You speak of "surfing the web" when hordes of demons are about to surge upon you and destroy your very fabric of existence?
UrZa PlAnEsWaLkEr: dude, is it me, or are you just repeating everything that i say, but you’re like, all incredulous and stuff?
YAWGMOTH666: How dare you insult me? Why, your very eyes are parts of a being that had no hope against my impeccable politics and genius. It was he who sealed me out of Dominaria, but you and your brother are the ones who let me in! Yes, your brother was most easy to compleat. He cried dearly before we made his first implants. Pity he had to be destroyed.
UrZa PlAnEsWaLkEr: man, you dissin my brother?
YAWGMOTH666: How observant of you.
UrZa PlAnEsWaLkEr: no need for sarcasm dude. that’s just cold.
YAWGMOTH666: I have no need for manners. My power stretches beyond infinity!
UrZa PlAnEsWaLkEr: whatever dude. i don’t care how much power you have; i’m reporting you
YAWGMOTH666: Your audacity is striking. I’m quite impressed. Perhaps you’d make a better negator than a corpse.
UrZa PlAnEsWaLkEr: well, you’ve been reported, dude. ttyl
At this point, the dialogue ends. It is assumed that Yawgmoth was booted offline, and Urza wisely changed screen names in order to evade his nemesis. Either that, or he didn’t pay his bill and had to start using Barrin’s account.~
Wasn’t that amazing? Who’d’ve thunk that Yawgmoth was so close to killing Urza? I guess that AOL has more power than we all thought, eh? I had no idea it’s been around for that long. I wonder if Al Gore’s a Phyrexian . . .
Well, that’ll do it for this week. Next week, I assure you that my normal, informative self will be back. Now, whether or not normal and informative is what you’ll get is another story altogether . . .
–Daniel Crane
[email protected] (Yes, they have me, too.)
*Yes, I know there’s no August 32nd. But, if the post is kept up till then, I’ll live on this site IMMORTALLY! (Will this attempt at never-ending publication come to a successful conclusion? Tune in next week!)