Welcome back, you succulent prunes, to the impartial and slightly-clouded world of Prof. Gabriel Interlocutory-Device Sneeep, Honorary Fellow of the Society For Yeast Promotion and a self-confessed Magical incontinent*
In the first article, the Professor covered the White, Blue and Black spells now readily available as part of the PLANESHIFT expansion. Today, with a bit of luck, he’ll keep his lacerated fingers out of the Moulinex Blender long enough to address further issues within the environment of Magical Gatherings.
"But why doesn’t he finish what he’s started and give us his learned – if
misguided – opinions on the rest of the Planeshift release?" I have heard
you clamour across the e-mail aether and you are correct to clamour so, but (regrettably) such a complete evaluation will not be forthcoming because:
a. It is difficult to add anything new to the already saturated sponge that is "Planeshift insights"; b. The Professor still hasn’t gotten round to seeing most of the cards (due to a rigorous oven-cleaning schedule); and, c. Another Star City columnist (who gets mentioned far too much outside of his own articles) has already hijacked the ‘silly review’ bandwagon, tied us all up, and left us at the side of the forest road with nought to eat but our trousers whilst he trundles merrily off into the sunset, having done a more surreal and effective job.
Seethe. Envy. Envy. Envy. Envy**
The Professor Discusses Recent Bannings
Imagine my surprise when I logged on this morning to find that, after such a long time, the DCI had finally got around to banning Necropotence! I can tell you that if I had been sitting on a chair, I would’ve fallen off of it. When I had managed to re-button my stone-washed Levi’s, I went to the Library and actually READ the text on Necropotence and what a good card it is, yes? Wow! No wonder my old club-mate ‘Rancid John’ was so eager to trade them off me when Ice Age first came out – although I hadn’t realised at the time how valuable they were and now, as a consequence, have the world’s finest collection of Runed Arches. Later still, I took it upon myself to reacquaint myself with R.J by means of the telephone; I playfully called him up, referred to his mother in terms I would not stoop to repeat in the context of this missive, and then promptly hung up. The only comfort I now have, to see me through the long evenings, is that his stolen collection of N’s is now worthless.
Some other cards were banned too, I believe, but since I play Extended about as much as I staple squirrels to my todger, it all means (in a literal sense) nothing.
The Professor Discusses Why He Is Used As A Pseudonym
Sometimes it is desirable for the safety of one’s person (and one’s Royal Icing flower arrangements) that controversial subjects be addressed under a different identity. After all, I didn’t spend all of last Thursday manufacturing sucrose-based stamens, petals, stems, and root systems simply for some arse-brained rant-merchant to bring the whole diabetically-opposed monstrosity crashing down on one’s newly-vacuumed carpet***
It’s also a lot of fun. This is not, however, to be taken as an admission that I (G. Sneeep), Tony Boydell, nor Danny (The LOL Boy) have anything to do with Random Guy****
The Professor Discusses 7th Edition
Hip-hoorah! Spring is upon us once more, and so is the imminent release of yet another ‘basic set’ for Magic: The Gathering. While my feelings of scepticism are tempered by admiration that we’ve managed to reach a Seventh Edition in the first place, I still have a over-arching, under-pinning fear that it’s all getting thinner and thinner – as Skimmed Milk from a CCG cow. Hoorah (that’s a second one) for the return of Serra Angel, but only in that I can show off my Foil version in a tournament setting. Everything else seems drum of a hum nature. That’s as in-depth as this paragraph gets, I’m afraid – if you want strategy then sod off to Mindripper.
The Professor Discusses Being A Victim
Things haven’t been going my way recently and I don’t seem to be able to pull out of a preposterous losing streak. Drafting has become a nightmare – I pull open the first booster and find myself with zero signals; zero clues on how to proceed with the rest of the card passing/selection process; consequently I’m left with a mish-mash, hoth-potch ‘pile’ which performs more badly than you would initially give it credit for: an impotent deck complimenting and building it’s owner’s play impotency. Sealed deck proves no better, with a singular ability to open packs with NO REMOVAL WHATSOEVER becoming the norm.
This all makes the game somewhat frustrating; it ruins my ranking (not that it was ever sparkiling); and generally instills within me the constant background symptoms of ‘Losers Tum’ (see Mandatory Health Warning, my first proper article for Star City). But wait! This losing malaise extends to pretty much everything else I play too! I just can’t seem to win anything anymore.
What should I do about it?
Here’s my proposed ‘plan of action’:
1. Keep playing. This is VERY important – if I cut back/slope off/hide away/take a sudden interest in rare Orchid hybridisation, then this is the slippery path to an obnoxious ‘I quit’ article, and a red face when I walk into a sanctioned tourney the following weekend.
2. Wind myself up. Chat more with my opponents. Talk about good and bad luck – get the whole feeling of persecution into the open. Make a joke about it. Don’t get grumpy. Tell myself that ‘its only a phase’.
3. Under no circumstances tell my wife! She’ll just gloat a lot.
4. Under no circumstances tell my children. They’re not old enough to
understand, and will just stare at me blankly for several seconds before
resuming their demands for sweets.
5. Eat more curry.
As was pointed out in some other articles, written by other people*****, there is no-one else to blame here – least of all my lovely, moist opponents. Weather the storm, ride the wave, let the rice pudding of fickle-fate cool down enough so it no longer burns my palette.
The Professor Discusses Rain And Veiled Hints From The Almighty? As if it is not hard enough to work ones way through a losing streak, without the elements conspiring to bring me to a whole new level of misery. In the last six weeks I have journeyed to the WAMSDAD club in Maidenhead for their Monday meet on three occasions – on each of those occasions my journey has consisted of riding through a power shower for the hour or so it takes to get there. It is unrelentingly, nook-and-cranny-finding, trouser-dampeningly relentless in its consistency. Add to this the fact that at no other time in that six weeks has it rained while I’ve been on my bike – ONLY ON THAT PARTICULAR JOURNEY! In fact, as I write this (it’s a Monday morning), I am planning a trip to the club this evening and the sky outside is grey and cloudy and forbidding – despite the fact that first thing it was bright, clear, and sunny!
Am I being sent rather large (if wet) hints from the great Man upstairs? Should I desist in my fortnightly excursions to central England?
The Professor Sinks Lower Into His Personal Pit Of Despair P*ss-flaps.
Until the next time, I shall absent myself to couch a hogshead. I mean – Magic couldn’t get any worse, could it?
Gabriel Sneeep (Professor)
Never let it be said that I’m unapproachable. Unresponsive? Maybe. Incoherent? Often. Overweight? None of your friggin’ business!
* – Unable to keep this sort of sh*t inside of him
** – Is this the first recorded case of "Pun-is Envy"?
*** – A rather satisfying shag
**** – Everyone’s favourite anonymous slagger-offer
***** – See how I absorb those important facts?