Scene One
———————————–
Our tale begins in the empty sports arena of a typical Dominarian High School. A group of boys sit in the stands around the ‘lead’ boy, whose quif is so large it is supported by large aluminum buttresses and support pillars nailed to his temples. They are clicking their fingers to the beat of a slow-pumping bass (that’s the fish, not the stringed musical instrument). The lead boy is called Ertai. He’s wearing a leather jacket, jeans with the hems rolled up, and the same stacked-platform shoes that the Mother Superior wore in ‘The Sound of Magic’ (the props department is very limited down at the Warring Brothers studios). During the song we cut across to Sandy (a female Sand Golem) who is telling the same story, but from the POV of an interested by-stander; she is wearing a delightful pink, knee-length, sleeveless A-line dress with silver-buckled belt, taffeta roses across the breast, and a Viking helm.
Ertai: (to the tune of ‘Summer Nights’ from ‘Grease’)
Summer Magic – red and blue blast
Summer Magic – sold out so fast
Bought a pack – a booster or three
Took them home to open and see
Summer pay frittered away for oh oh those summer Knights
(Aether Well-a well-a well-a ooof)
Tell me more, tell me more
Just what rares did you gain?
Tell me more, tell me more
Did you get Hurricane?
Sandy:
He got Kudzu, Aladdin’s Lamp,
Serra Angel, and Sengir Vamp
Saved the others, put ’em right here
(pats her left buttock with a table-tennis bat)
Holy Armour, Fastbond, and Fear!
Some in twos and some only one, but oh oh those summer Knights
Tell me more, tell me more
How much dough did you spend?
Tell me more, tell me more
Give some cards to your friends?
(doop doobie-doo doobie-doo dooby-dooby-dooby-doo etc)
Ertai: (standing on a bench and thrusting his crotch to the rhythm of the music)
Went to the tourney in the arcade
Found a girl who was willin’ to trade
Got a Sivvi and got a Port
Just for swappin’ my Mana Short
Summer Ring (Sol) don’t mean a thing with oh oh those summer Knights
Tell me more, tell me more
But you don’t gotta brag!
Tell me more, tell me more
Would you trade a Brushwagg?
(doop doobie-doo doobie-doo dooby-dooby-dooby-doo etc)
(slowing down)
So I sold some, that’s where it ends
Yes I sold ’em – sorry my friends
Guess it’s time to wrap this show
Wonder where those cards are now?
Ertai and Sandy: (thrusting each others crotches in time to some unknown beat)
Summer C.O.P’s they are the tops
Bu-ut
(oh)
Those su-u-mmer kni-ights
Chorus:
Tell me more, tell me more
Scene Two
———————————–
(Sandy is walking down a rain-soaked street in the twilight. She is melancholy about something – she has just discovered a new Collectable Card Game and finds herself thinking of nothing else. Occasionally, other
pedestrians, carrying umbrellas, scuttle by in the opposite direction – shoulder-charging the moonstruck schoolgirl as they pass.)
Sandy: (to the tune of ‘Hopelessly Devoted To You’ from ‘Grease’)
Guess mine is not the first heart taken
By cards you trade and cards you buy
I’m not the first to know there’s
Just no getting over you
They know I’m just a fool who’s willing
To spend my cash on a deck or two
But W-O-T-C, there’s nothing left for me to do
I’m hopelessly devoted to you
But now there’s nowhere to hide
Since I played some with Ertai
I’m outta my head hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you
My head is saying ‘Fool! Forget him’
My heart is saying ‘Don’t let go!’
Hold on to the end, maybe I’ll attend a PTQ
I’m hopelessly devoted to you
But now there’s nowhere to hide
Since the advent of ‘High Tide’
I’m outta my head hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you
(Sandy is knocked to the ground by a pizza scooter. Fade to black.)
Scene Three
———————————–
(The Finke Ladies have gathered in the Malt shop and await the arrival of Potsy, who has just been kicked off of her college course. They are Dipsy, Finkel, Rizzo, and Sandy, who is staring, glassy-eyed, at a display cutout of Urza by the gum dispenser. They all wear pink spandex jackets and have Day-Glo nail-varnish on. A Model T Ford screams to a halt outside, the door opens and Potsy is thrown into the gutter with a theatrical ‘boinggggg!’ noise. The car speeds away as Potsy adjusts the hem on her mini-skirt
and enters the Malt shop.)
Rizzo: (while chewing gum very loudly)
Are you okay, Potsy ?
Potsy: (in a whining, high-pitched voice)
Yeeeeeeaaaaahh. I done got thrown outta School, ain’t I ?
(The girls gather round and comfort her. Just then, a shaft of golden light illuminates the group… they part and look up to see the radiant spirit of Richard Garfield descending into the cafe – angels scattering shredded Black Loti in his path)
Garfield: (To the tune of ‘Beauty School Drop-Out’ from ‘Grease’)
Your story’s sad to tell (plink-plink)
You’re sure to go to hell
At least that’s what the preacher says is true!
Your future’s so unclear now
What’s left of your career now?
Can’t even get a trade for Pikachu
Pokegym drop-out
No graduation day for you
Pokegym drop-out
Don’t know the stack from doggy-doo
Well at least you could have taken time to tidy all your trades up
After spending all that dough to have those snazzy folders made up
Baby get movin’ (better get movin’)
Why keep your feeble hopes alive?
What are you provin’ (what are you provin’)?
No one ever plays ‘The Hive’
You can draft with Masques or Nemesis, or even Prophecy
Turn in your Charizard and play some M:TG
Pokegym drop-out (Pokegym drop-out)
Hanging around the corner store
Pokegym drop-out (Pokegym drop-out)
You don’t need Meowth anymore
Well they couldn’t teach you anything, you think you’re such a ‘playa’
But no person over 9 years old thinks Pokemon’s a staya
Baby don’t sweat it (don’t sweat it)
You’re not cut out to play that <The word is "stuff" – Ye Editor>
Better forget it (forget it)
Come play Constructed every night
Now your decks are worn, you’re bored with porn, and Celestial Dawn’s still poo
Wipe off that grumpy face and join the Magic crew
Baby don’t blow it
Don’t put my good advice to shame
Baby you know it
Even Pete Addy’d say the same
Now I’ve called the shots, get off the pot, I really gotta fly
Gotta be going to that Game Shop in… the… sky
Pokegym drop-out (Pokegym drop-out)
Learn ’bout the mana-pool
Pokegym drop-out (Pokegym drop-out)
Learn ’bout the mana-pool
Pokegym drop-out (Pokegym drop-out)
Learn ’bout the mana-pool
(Richard Garfield rises into the heavens, but just before the light disappears, he lifts his leg and lets rip with a meaty fart)
Sandy: (to the group, but especially Potsy) Do you know who that was?
Girls: (shaking their heads) Nope.
Sandy: That was Richard Garfield, Professor of Mathematics or something, and erstwhile inventor of Magic: The Gathering – the most popular Collectable Card Game on the planet, and the greatest innovation in gaming since the 12-sided die.
(The girls step back a pace each and fix Sandy with a cold, steely gaze)
Rizzo: C’mon, Finke Ladies – we don’t wanna hang around wit’no geek !
(They flounce off through the exit, but forget that it’s NOT automatic and shatter the plate glass. They begin to sing as they depart – bloodied but happy.)
Rizzo: (to the tune of ‘Look At Me I’m Sandra Dee, Part 1’ from ‘Grease’)
Look at me I’m Sandra Dee
Harpin’ on ’bout M:TG
Won’t shag the boys
‘Coz I play with my toys
I can’t! I’m Sandra Dee
Watch it! Hey, I’m Michelle Bush
Go stick your Trix right up your tush
Won’t come across, even Mike Flores lost
A match with Michelle Bu-u-ush*
I don’t cheat, I’m nice
I occasionally mise
I get ill if miss the Dojo
Keep your filthy paws off my Crashing Boars
Would you pull that crap with a Pro?
As for you, young Mister Budde
I know that you’re very rude
‘Stroke yourself’ if you must, I’m no object of lust
I’m just plain Sandra Dee
Benafel, Benafel – leave me be
Keep your ‘beat-stick’ far from me
Just keep your cool, now you’re starting to drool
Hey, Finkel! I’m Sandra Dee
(The girls depart into a wormhole, like the one from Deep Space Nine, that appears next to the fire hydrant)
Scene Four
———————————–
Sandy is determined to press on with her newfound career in Magic. She attends the next Pro Tour (which is in Salt Lake City). She enters an enormous hall, bedecked with posters of famous Magic characters and the Executive Board of WotC. She is casually browsing through the out-of-prints on a trade stand when most of the people in the hall start rushing toward the Registration desk – someone famous has just entered the room. A silence descends upon the rabble. Slowly, a whispered refrain begins:
"Cheaty Cheaty Long Long"
It swells and rises gently until, after several minutes the mob parts revealed the goatie-chinned malefactor Mike Long…they all burst into song when
he raises his hands to the air:
Crowd: (to the tune of ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’ from ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’)
Cheaty Long Long Cheaty Cheaty Long Long
Cheaty Long Long Cheaty Cheaty Long Long
Cheaty Long Long Cheaty Cheaty Long Long
O you petty Cheaty Long Long
Cheaty Cheaty Long Long
We know you,
And, to
Cheaty Cheaty Long Long
Cheaty Cheaty Long Long
What we’ll do
We spy, at the D.C.I, O punishment is at hand
Long Long Cheaty Cheaty Long Long
For one month you’ll be banned
Long Long Cheaty Cheaty Long Long
For one month you’ll be banned
Cheaty Long Long
Cheaty Cheaty Long Long
Cheaty Long Long
Cheaty Cheaty Long Long
Cheaty Long Long
Cheaty Cheaty Long Long
O you petty Cheaty Long Long
Cheaty Cheaty Long Long
We feel blue
And, you
Cheaty Cheaty Long Long
Cheaty Cheaty Long Long
Feel blue too
Now, then, will it ever end?
O what a crappy time we’ll spend
Long Long Cheaty Cheaty Long Long
Our much-maligned young friend
Long Long Cheaty Cheaty Long Long
Our much-maligned young friend
You’re slick as a thoroughbred
And maybe just a tad mis-lead
You’ll turn everybody’s head today
We’ll watch every cut and draw
And shuffle just a little more
‘Sa pity its ended this way
O Cheaty You Cheaty
Pity Cheaty Long Long
Cheaty Cheaty Long Long
Don’t trust you
And Cheaty, and Cheaty
Pity Cheaty Long Long
Cheaty Cheaty Long Long what we’ll do
Now Cheaty, hence Cheaty, give you one more chance
O what a happy time we’ll spend
Long Long Cheaty Cheaty Long Long
Our fine suspended friend
Long Long Cheaty Cheaty Long Long
Our fine sus-pended friend…..(hold)
Cheaty Cheaty Long Long
Cheaty Cheaty Long Long
Fine sus-pended Cheaty Cheaty Friend
(Sandy decides to learn more about this enigmatic fellow – she approaches him, adjusting the fatty folds of skin behind her ears)
Sandy: Hi
Mike: (doing a double-take which causes his chinny-beard to fall off. He picks it up and sticks it back on…upside down) Er.. hi !
Sandy: My name’s Sandy.
Mike: (straightening his tie and his shirt cuffs. He isn’t wearing either)
I’m Long, Mike Long.
Sandy: (giggling) Why do they call you ‘Long’?
Mike: (almost stuttering) Er..because that’s my name
Sandy: (disappointed) Oh – I thought it was something to do with the size of your …
Announcer: (voice echoing across the hall) Ladies and gentlemen – the first round is about to start!
(A few people notice that the announcer doesn’t actually have a microphone and so must have a voice that mimics a tanoy system. Sandy and Mike walk off toward the playing tables, hand-in-hand. No one notices Ertai stood at the back of the crowd looking miserable and dejected. He slumps off to the Great Dalmuti Perpetual Demonstration table and begins his song.)
Ertai: (to the tune of ‘Sandy’ from ‘Grease’)
Stranded at the Pro Tour
Branded a fool
What will they say Monday at school?
Sandy can’t you see I’m in misery?
I did no wrong, now you’re with Long
There’s nothin’ left for me
Love has flown, all alone
I sit and draft a pi-i-ile
Oh why’d I pick Green? Oh Sandy
Oh Sandy baby someday when this ol’ hobbies done
Somehow, someway, our two worlds will be one
In Devon forever and ever we will be
Making clotted cream, oh Sandy
(speaks softly to a cardboard cutout of Randy Buehler that is acting as a room divider)
Sandy my darling, you hurt me real bad
Goin’ off with that cheatin scumbag n’ all
Remember when I gave you those foil commons?
That’s because I love you, you know
(singing again, suddenly, as if slapped on the ass with a banjo)
Love has flown all alone
I sit, I wonder why-yi-yi-yi
Why, you left me oh Sandy
Sandy, Sandy, why-yi-yi-yi-yi
Oh Sandy
(There is uproar from the playing area. Mike Long is being ejected from the competition for sticking his beard to a Judge and calling him ‘Charlie’. Sandy
rushes toward Ertai, tears and longing in her eyes)
Sandy: Oh, Ertai – Ertai! How could I have been so blind?
(they embrace)
Ertai: I love you, Sandy.
Sandy: I love you too, Ertai. Let’s go and hump like rabbits until the dawn!
(they run toward the emergency exits situated here, here, and … here)
Ertai: (pulling them both up – though no-one recalls him pulling them down in the first place…bomp-tish!) Wait – shouldn’t we sing a song first?
(They begin to dance – the music swells. Crowds gather around, having already seen Long’s immolated corpse carried from the building on a makeshift cross. They sway and jig to the beat)
ROLL CREDITS
Voiceover: That’s quite enough of that garbage, thangyow-verair-mush !
END
*- I have nothing against anyone mentioned in this operetta – they simply have good names for either scanning or rhyming!