The scene was Shi-Sha, a quaint hookah bar located mid-city. The air was humid, yet comfortable, and the green grass shimmered beneath the pale moonlight as a cleansing breeze massaged my curly hair. A green apple hookah helped clear my mind as Leonard and I discussed the ramifications of killing a random person on the street. The first hit took me to a faraway land, where I could forget the troubles that engulfed me this past 24 hours. Not only was my Mother bedridden due to pneumonia, but my grandmother had also just suffered a mild heart attack and was preparing to have surgery the next morning. She’s 88 and in excellent shape, the doctor said there was very little risk and she could go back to cooking me warm lunches in no time. The icing on the cake was that this was my best friend’s last day in town, and I wouldn’t see him for at least a year.
I was there to clear my head and drown my sorrows in a hazy cloud of Shi-Sha’s finest. The forecast said a slight chance of rain, which soon became realized when the humid air turned to a dull drizzle, before eventually unleashing thumb-sized bullets on the establishment and its customers. We retreated inside only to find little room and few chairs.
Enter Sarah.
She offered to share a table if we kept her company while she waited for her friend to arrive. In return I let her put those luscious ruby lips to work, as we exchanged meaningless conversation about past schools, future plans, and even further ramifications of killing a random person on the street. Her giggles were intoxicating, and I soon began to notice increasingly attractive characteristics – like the way her damp blond hair started to curl at the tips, or the way her ivory teeth contrasted with her sapphire eyes.
After fifteen minutes of pleasantries, her friend called and said she would be unable to join us, at which time Leonard took the opportunity to brave the slick roads back to his apartment three blocks down.
Leonard left, Sarah stayed, and I was golden…
…
I don’t have an title for my article series yet. My gut instinct is to ask the forums what it should be, but at the same time if no one replies I’d look pretty foolish, and the floodgate to all my insecurities would burst open. The forums are a deadly little trick to get writers to care about articles, and while I do appreciate their existence, I can’t help but wonder how much more I would sleep at night if the forums weren’t there.
Often I’ll wake up in a cold sweat and walk to my refrigerator, realizing that I don’t really need anything from it, grab a bottled water for no reason, and continue on to my computer. Then I will begin to browse every forum that has ever uttered the words “Kyle Sanchez,” and continue browsing until I can feel safe and retreat back to my bed to engage in my deepest fantasies (a.k.a. your worst nightmares). The interesting thing about Goggling yourself is you find so many interesting forums that you’ve never heard of.
There was one based out of Oklahoma, and they had several pages of people bashing on me. About how I’m such a cheater, and how my articles compare to a steaming pile of elephant feces soaked in bleach, stuffed with dynamite, then filled with concrete before sinking to the bottom of the Rio Grande. Now I’m all for free speech, but that one kept me up countless hours. And by countless, I mean none. Bite me, Oklahoma.
lol j/k.
Not really.
Or am I?
I am.
Not.
Psyche.
Hey, look over there!
*runs away*
The first draft of this article was like an acceptance speech, like I’d won a Moonman or Oscar, or something else relatively important. It came off far too cocky and pompous, and while I’m all about being pomp’ed up, I wouldn’t want to detract any future readers in my very first issue. After all, I’m in the business to please here, and if there’s no one to please I can’t feed the little Sanchezes that are about to pop out. Then the truth hit me like a female elephant in heat during elephant mating season. I can be as vulgar and childish as I want, because you people don’t actually pay for this!
Then another floodgate burst open. A much darker floodgate; the floodgate that has been withholding a wild beast; a floodgate so terrible, so dreadful, so painful, so monstrous, so poetic, so dramatic, so tremendous, so revered, so… well, you get the picture.
Basically, I get to say whatever I want… at least, I think so. [Yeah, good luck with that. — Craig, pinking shears at the ready.]
I find it really funny that people were complaining about the content of my article “Angry Colon Blues” last week. The fact is that pretty much all of my articles have between 1-3 pages edited out of them, whether the content be too vulgar, too controversial, or just too stupid to publish. In that specific article there was some two-and-a-half pages edited out. You guys didn’t get to see my rant on everyone who has a uncreative column name, a debate about whether it would be better to be stranded with a Mermaid or a Fish-top/woman-bottom on a deserted island which ran side by side with the optimal orifice debate, and several of my cute pictures including a vin diagram of the positives and negatives of the aforementioned mermaid/orifice debate. Along with a lengthy paragraph of footnotes that were about how bad it is to use footnotes. I honestly can’t blame Craig – a lot of it I wouldn’t even show many of my family members (particularly my niece), and he does have a website to look after. If people read this and are grossly offended, they will buy fewer Voidslimes*!
The Sanchez Gallery
Regionals occured this past weekend, and I was there looking on from the sidelines at the future of Texas Magic, if such a thing exists. So this is my humble recap of the going-ons of Texas Regionals from a judge’s eye view.
There was a large amount of Gruul-like creatures populating the field. If you combine Tarmo-Zoo in the same category, they took up a little bit more than 1/3 of the entire metagame. As the rounds progressed, it seemed like the numbers fluttered and succumbed to the hate, putting only one Gruul/Zoo deck into the Top 8. There was also a healthy dose of U/G aggro variants in the field to round out all of the aggressive decks.
The combo decks were in full “storm” this weekend. Dragonstorm, Project X, Perilous Storm, and NarcoBridge had many supporters. However only a Project X deck and Perilous Storm made it to the elimination round. I watched several NarcoBridge games, and it seemed like everyone was prepared for it. Whether it be Tormod’s Crypt, sacrifice abilities, or Extripate, everyone was ready for the most easily disruptable of the combo decks. Dragonstorm hovered around the top tables the entire day, but failed in the final round to place anyone in the Top 8. Perilous Storm, on the other hand – a deck based around the card advantage of Hatching Plans and Perilous Research, that builds up a high storm count with all the ritual cards – managed to survive the hate and place one of their own in the Top 8. If you look at the combo decks, Perilous Storm and Project X are the hardest to fully disrupt, which is surely why they progressed farther than their fellow combo mates.
Blue-based control decks were everywhere. Whether it be Dralnu, Solar Flare, Angelfire, or U/X Tron decks, there was a lot of Blue going around. Unfortunately, only one of the established decks made Top 8, the U/B/W Solar Flare deck.
The rest of the Top 8 was filled with unique rogue decks that managed to weave their way through this diverse format like a beaver swimming through bear-infested waters to collect its last log for the dam of its dreams.
So without further ado, I bring you the 2007 Gulf Coast Light Heavyweight Champions of the WORLD:
Creatures (13)
Lands (23)
Spells (24)
Ben’s Deck is your classic “do-nothing” Solar Flare list. Ben is a young fella, around the age of fifteen or so; this being his highest finish ever. I would expect his rating to be high enough to qualify him for JSS, giving him the option to play in Day 1 of Nationals, then follow it up with a run at the JSS. If you are playing Solar Flare in the future I would play no less than four Castigate. Its usefulness was realized when he faced off against Kevin Barrington’s Storm deck in the Top 8. Out of this Top 8, I believe him to have the most potential to become a powerhouse Magic player, and his deck is my second favorite decklist competeing in the elimination round.
Creatures (28)
- 4 Llanowar Elves
- 4 Kird Ape
- 2 Burning-Tree Shaman
- 4 Giant Solifuge
- 4 Scab-Clan Mauler
- 3 Scorched Rusalka
- 3 Tin Street Hooligan
- 4 Sulfur Elemental
Lands (22)
Spells (10)
Sideboard
Andy was a flustered fellow who punted a game in the Top 4 against Shawn Rudd, when he failed to respond to a Saffi activation on a Crypt Champion with a Char in hand. He could have killed the Essence Warden in play to completely demolish his opponent, but instead he froze and just scooped up his cards. In game 3 he won on the back of three Burning-Tree Shaman and a Blood Moon turning off all of Rudd’s lands. Despite being new to the Top 8 scene he piloted his Gruul deck to a Top 4 birth at Regionals, proving the true power of turning men sideways. He said out of all the cards in his deck Blood Moon won him the most games; being able to shut down all of the opponent’s lands while sending in a large team proved to be priceless.
Creatures (16)
Lands (20)
Spells (24)
I didn’t get to see Williams deck in action since he was on the far side of the Top 8 tables, but upon interviewing him after his quick win opposite Chris Maburn’s Mono-Red deck, he acknowledged Psionic Blast as being the deck’s true MVP. Giving his U/G deck the ability to kill Teferi as well as other threatening creatures is what put him in the Top 8, and it was also the final blow to the head of Maburn. He wanted me to call his deck “Butterfly,” but I will give him no such satisfaction.
Creatures (14)
Lands (26)
Spells (20)
Sideboard
This is by far my favorite deck in the Top 8. I was one of the first to put out a Mono-Blue snow deck when Time Spiral was the current set, and it brings a tear to my eye to see this build see success. Aeon Chronicler brings a totally new dimension to the deck, since you can kill your opponent out of nowhere after amassing a large amount of cards. Teferi is the key to this deck, but Aaron attributes his success to his positive Gruul matchup. Having three-mana 3/4s is golden since, unless they have a Char, they will have to two-for-one themselves. At which point you can put it back on top with Academy Ruins, and even possibly draw it in the same motion with Scrying Sheets.
The true power of this deck is Scrying Sheets. Being able to hit all your land drops for the rest of the game, as well as chain through your library… and the combo it provides with Academy Ruins and Phyrexian Ironfoot makes it the centerpoint of the deck. I intend to have another look at his deck in next week’s article, since I believe it to be a true powerhouse in the current Standard format. Some of his card choices are suboptimal, like Telling Time over Think Twice, and it seems he has too many big mana threats which could potentially clog the deck. Either way, this was my favorite deck, and he destroyed Sterling Savage’s anti-aggro deck on the way to his Nationals birth.
Creatures (8)
Lands (24)
Spells (28)
- 4 Wrath of God
- 3 Call of the Herd
- 4 Stormbind
- 3 Faith's Fetters
- 4 Life from the Loam
- 4 Lightning Helix
- 2
- 4 Harmonize
Sideboard
Sterling is a rogue deckbuilder who plays on and off depending on prior commitments. The last big tournament he played was States, four or five (or maybe six) years ago, which he won with another homebrew deck. This time he went into the tournament not wanting to lose a game to Gruul, and he accomplished that with this finely tuned anti-aggro deck. Another unique aspect of his deck is the numerous Life from the Loam engines. In combination with Flagstones, Terramorphic Expanse, and most notably Stormbind, this creates a difficult to disrupt engine that control decks will be hard-pressed to stop. His sideboard is a classic toolbox for whatever matchup in which he felt he needed help. The problem with this deck is its rough matchups against both Dragonstorm and Blue decks with numerous counterspells like Dralnu, or his Snow Blue Top 8 opponent.
Maburn burned his way to the Top 8 with his creative rogue burn deck. When I asked him where he came up with it, he said he and a few friends sat down and tried to find the best way to beat Dragonstorm and Dralnu, which were prominent decks in his area. He came up with this Goblin deck and never looked back. In round 6, I remember seeing him square off against a Mono-Black opponent at table 1. He said Mogg War Marshal was his MVP of the day, enabling him to hold off against the aggro decks long enough to throw enough burn at their head for the win. There were also reports that he actually managed to kill a Krosan Cloudscrapper on his way to the Top 8 via Shivan Meteor. On a similar note, a pig was caught flying in Northern Nebraska at the exact same time.
Maburn played a Lightning Serpent for lethal, which his opponent tried to counter with Dash Hopes. Maburn took the 5, going down to 4 before his opponent played another Dash Hopes. The Serpent got countered but his Mogg Sentry was still big enough to take down the Mono Black player with the help of two Raging Goblins and a Pendlehaven. Not quite the match up you would expect at table one after 5 rounds.
Creatures (29)
- 4 Birds of Paradise
- 1 Withered Wretch
- 2 Elves of Deep Shadow
- 4 Wall of Roots
- 4 Dark Confidant
- 3 Loxodon Hierarch
- 1 Teysa, Orzhov Scion
- 3 Crypt Champion
- 3 Saffi Eriksdotter
- 3 Essence Warden
- 1 Teneb, the Harvester
Lands (20)
Spells (11)
Shawn likes one-ofs, and wins the Most Annoying Deck to Type Out Award. He lost to the Gruul player who just barely outraced his combo in two out of the three games. He blamed the loss on the die roll, since each game he would have won if it were not for Andy having some form of disruption the turn before he could pull of infinite life. Still, this indecisive 15 year old has high hopes to qualify for JSS and earn some college bucks before he plans on taking his game to the big league. He’s been playing the deck for months, which was apparent by his crisp play. This kid knows Project X like Paris Hilton knows Scrabble with Mother on Friday nights… er, bad analogy.
Lands (16)
Spells (41)
- 3 Sleight of Hand
- 4 Seething Song
- 3 Claws of Gix
- 4 Hatching Plans
- 3 Quicken
- 3 Repeal
- 4 Perilous Research
- 4 Rite of Flame
- 2 Chromatic Star
- 4 Empty the Warrens
- 3 Ignite Memories
- 4 Lotus Bloom
Sideboard
Kevin was the most experienced player in the Top 8, having several PTQ Top 8s under his belt. He ended up losing the the Solar Flare player who held back land drops to disrupt his Ignite Memories. He attributes his Regionals success to the addition of Quicken, which helped him respond to both Wrath of God and Persecute by enabling one of his big Storm cards at instant speed.
Cedric Phillups won his regionals over the weekend with this Solar Flare list, giving Solar Flare atleast two Nationals slots so far.
Creatures (12)
Lands (23)
Spells (25)
…
The rain had stopped, but we remained. As the night passed, we edged closer and closer, until I had my right arm around her shoulder as she leaned into me. Half an hour passes, and the hookah was smoked dry. Her hair, her eyes, her lips, her cute dimple that only peeked out when she smiled a certain way, it all seemed so familiar to me. Almost like this was a routine occurrence, and we were a couple enjoying a regular trip to the Shi-Sha.
She got up to use the restroom, at which time I paid the evening’s expenses, and cursed Leonard for not leaving any money.
When she came back, she stood at her chair as we exchanged deep glares. We made our way back to my car, conveniently located at the back of the parking lot, which (also conveniently) has tinted windows. Halfway there, and the rain started to come down. We rushed back to my Cavilier and hopped in, before pushing the seats all the way up and crawling into the small back area of my two-seater.
At first things went slow, but as we became more familiar with each other, things sped up dramatically. It began with subtle kisses on her neck, which continued lower, to that bone right above the chest. I left my mark, giving her a hickey the size of Texas without her even noticing. My lips are excellent at penetrating a woman’s defenses, and leaving little presents that she would find the morning after.
The rain pounded harder and harder as the encounter progressed. We embraced each other romantically… until she suddenly collected her things and made a break for her truck mid-session.
…
…
…
I didn’t even chase after her. I just sat there and watched her go.
…
If this story were true**, would you:
A) Chase after her, grabbing her passionately, giving her one final kiss to show her what she’s missing?
B) Continue where she left off… who cares if she’s gone!
C) Head back to the hookah bar in an attempt to find a suitable replacement?
D) Curl up in a ball and begin to weep as the floodgate is released on all your deepest insecurities?
E) Some strange combination of all of the above?
…
Thanks for reading.
Kyle
Top 5 Picks
1) Fleur de Saison by Emilie Simon
2) Morning After by Elliott Smith
3) Every Night’s Another Story by The Early November
4) What Sarah Said by Deathcab For Cutie
5) Something Vague by Bright Eyes
Top 5 Skinny Chicks
1) Jessica Alba
2) Rihana
3) Natalie Portman
4) Eva Longoria
5) Keira Knightly
…
1,278) Mandy Moore
Top 5 Voluptuous Creatures
1) Scarlett Johanson
2) Lindsey Lohan
3) Tyra Banks
4) Jessica Simpson
5) Heidi Klum
Top 5 Chicks/Creatures
1) Scarlett Johanson
2) Jessica Alba
3) Lindsey Lohan
4) Tyra Banks
5) Jessica Simpson
Honorable Mention: Ashley Olsen, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Katherine Heigl, Salma Hyak, Halle Berry, Cameron Diaz, Angelina Jolie, Clay Aiken, Mary-Kate Olsen, and Lucy Lui.
…
* Voidslime! On sale now at the StarCityGames.com store!***
**The whole part about my Mom having pneumonia, best friend leaving, and Grannie having a mild heart attack was true, so I should still get some sympathy votes on that end.
*** Yah, yah I jacked you on that one, sue me, I’m the heir to your throne!